Friday, 27 September 2013

Alan Shearer knocked out Keith Gillespie

This one time at Newcastle camp, Alan Shearer punched Keith Gillespie so hard in the face that he woke up in hospital.  It's all here in these pamphlets!

The Mirror Online is serialising Mr Gillespie's book, which is full of anecdotes about being a LAD.
We had a bit of a row and, for some reason, I asked him if he wanted to take it outside.
Cafe En Seine is a long, narrow bar, so it was quite a walk to the front door.
There was no discussion en route. I was mulling over my next move.
We emerged onto a busy street, where Sunday afternoon shoppers were going about their business. It didn’t deter me from the battle-plan.
I took a swing at Shearer, but I was punch-drunk and inaccurate.
He responded with a blow that sent me flying backwards against a plant pot. I cracked my head and entered the blackout zone.
The next thing I remember is the view from the hospital bed.
Oh you joker you.  Getting pissed on tour with the lads and starting on Alan Shearer.  Incase you don't know what happens next, here it is:
A few minutes later, there was another knock.
This time, it was Shearer and Rob Lee.
Peace was restored before they had even come inside.
We ended up laughing about it, although we knew a media storm was inevitable. Which was fair enough, really.
Oh.... that's so interesting Keith.  This book looks like a riveting read, especially with all those line breaks to make the pages easier to read.

Honestly this book seems about one onion belt away from being a collection of Grandpa Simpson stories

Alex Ferguson will not be Ireland manager

Someone who works at Boylesports has revealed that they have had to dramatically cut the odds on Alex Ferguson becoming president of Ireland because some people bet a lot of money on it.

The bookmaker said:
“We laid some large bets on Sir Alex Ferguson at 66/1 on Friday morning and the cut him into 33/1. The support continued to come and we were forced to cut him again, into 20/1,”
Someone should remind this guy that he's in Ireland, which is famous for leprechauns, Bono and being absolutely shit faced.  This trend in betting started when Paddy, innocently drinking his 18th Guiness of the day, started telling everyone how good Ireland is and how it's the greatest player ever until someone said "why don't you live there" and then he started talking about how Alex Ferguson is going to be the next manager of Ireland to divert attention away from himself.  Similarly drunk, this man then put on a bet and told his mate that a magical leprechaun gave him a great tip on the weekend and that this must be the 'pot of gold' he's heard about in stories.

And just incase you were confusing midgets with leprechauns; midgets are real things and leprechauns are not.  I know this because I drowned one in the bath last Halloween.  Which reminds me actually, on an unrelated note, police still haven't found next door's child since the same time last year.  How sad.

Wrestlemania 9: AVB vs Mourinho

SOCCER.  It's master v the apprentice!  The sorcerer vs the sorcerer's apprentice!  The guy that fixed my drains vs his apprentice!  Chelsea vs Spurs is tomorrow morning and it's ON!

If there weren't enough exclamation marks in that opening paragraph, just you wait until the game kicks off.  You all thought it was just a simple Premier League match off between two competing teams but all along it's been building up to a high stakes GRUDGE MATCH.  Cue AVB:
"We had a great personal and professional relationship before. We don't have that now."
Ohhhh son.  Don't play wit fire or you iz gonna get burned!  Mourinho hasn't yet replied to AVB's scathing attack on their friendship, presumably because he's still crying like a little girl over not getting the Man United job, and the former apprentice is keen to show that he's the new boss in town.
"I felt I could give him much more. But he didn't feel the need for somebody near to him or in another position as an assistant, and because of that it was decided that it was time, after Inter Milan, to continue our careers apart."
This reminds me of when I used to work in Costcutter and I just knew I could manage the shop but was never given the chance.  Eventually, being given no opportunites to develop my skills, I broke out and moved to the bakers next door where people would actively avoid buying sandwiches from me because I was so awful at it.  But the jokes on them because secretly I'm very good at making sandwiches ha ah aa a ha ah ah ah ha ah ah ah ah ah ahhahahahahahah ah ah ah aha
  ah aaha  h  h

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Rio Ferdinand wants an awards show

Rio Ferdinand has helped set up an awards show for footballers called 'The Footies' so that professional players can finally have an official Oscars style event for themselves.

In an article I saw in The Guardian, the Manchester United defender has seen a real gap in the market where traditional awards for being a pro sportsman like winning games, or winning points, or winning trophies, or winning man of the match awards, or winning Player's Player of the Season awards or winning UEFA Player of the Year just aren't enough.  I agree.
"We want it to become the most unique awards event in the calendar."
And it will, because it will be full of self loving, idiotic footballers.  The Oscars is a thing because acting isn't a competition and it's good to have a little award thing.  Music, I would argue is too subjective, and the minute you start giving awards for comedy it just becomes a bit stupid and a giant popularity contest, which I hate.  And on that note, please vote for us as 'best comedy blog' at the Football Blogging Awards 2013

Romelu Lukaku is Panoptic

Romelu Lukaku not only looks like he swoops out of the tree tops in darkened forests to feast on the souls of children, but he also watches every single second of every single Premier League game because it helps him improve.

The giant Belgian told The Daily Mail:
‘It’s true that I watch every single game in the league – 90 minutes. I take my time to study and to learn other strikers’ movements and to learn about other defenders. I take my time,’ he said.
‘Really I want to be one of the best in this league so you can only learn from the best by watching the best.
And I can relate because this is exactly the same reason that I watch so much pornography on the internet.  You only get better by watching the best and no matter how much your Dad tells you otherwise, observing professionals online is still far less awkward than having him teach you.

Man United tried to buy Bale for £120million

According to real life newspapers, Man United put in a bid of £120million for Gareth Bale and they weren't even joking.

That is political correctness gone wrong.  I bet they're fucking delighted he turned them down too - can you imagine spending that much money on one thing on a spur of the moment decision?  This is like when I wake up the day after a night on the smash, having reached 2am and still nowhere close to bringing anyone hot home with me when I discover that £200 is missing from my bank account, I now own a bicycle and also yet another prostitute is dead in my kitchen.

Aaaaaaaaand we're back

Hello friends!

I was away in Toronto for a week so that's why absolutely no writing on your favourite ever football site has been done for that amount of time.  Don't worry, we aren't dead.  If it wasn't for the fact that I'm so tired I think I might literally be able to see through time at the moment, I'd share all of my thoughts and accurate journalism tappy typing about the football news to let you know them.  But instead I won't do that.

That Football Blogging Awards thing that we won last year is running again this year so if you felt so inclined, please feel free to vote for us in any number of categories.  I haven't worked out how you do that yet but when I do, you'll be the first to know.  Actually you'll be the several thousandth people to know because it's been on for a while now.

Anyhow, just wanted to give you a call and tell you how much I missed you babes, and I can confirm that the strippers in Canada DO let you feel their tits.  My uhhhh friend told me.



JJ x

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

the best kickoff formation ever

Red Bull Leipzig have invented a brand new formation for kick off and it's ace.  It looks like NFL and stuff

As you can see, the Red Bull side defy conventional kick offs which include passing it back to a midfielder who then passes it sideways and then a defender who launches it down the wing because someone will probably be able to do something with it.  Why try and retain possession when you get the ball slightly closer to the goal by kicking it very hard into the sky?  That's the kind of football I love.

Dani Alves wants to donate his organs

Eric Abidal needed a liver transplant quite recently because cancer went and ruined the one he already had.  Brave old Dani Alves offered to donate his own!  What a man.

The ex Barcelona left back said:
The story with Dani goes beyond the jersey. He knows it. Me too. We are friends and we talk about everything. He wanted to support me
Awwww.  Gay.  He continues:
"When I had to undergo surgery, Dani wanted to donate his liver, logically, he couldn't because he is a professional footballer."
 What an absolute legend.  There's no way you'd find me donating my liver to any of my friends at all.  Not a chance.  Then again, if I offered, they'd probably actually take the thing out of me because I am not a professional athlete and therefore only really use mine normally.  Dani Alves offered his kidney in the same way that when I came into work my friend was sitting at my desk and so I offered my friend at work the desk and he said 'well if you don't mind' and then I took the desk because actually I think I need it.  It has my sonic mug in the drawer and everything.

When asked whether this story was really true, Dani Alves said: "well yeh.  It'll grow back right?"

Yohan Cabaye is so sorry

Yohan Cabaye has apologised to Newcastle fans after realising that he has to hang out with him for at least another 3 and a half months.  Wait no I meant because he is very sorry

The French midfielder was subject to a £10million bid by Arsenal in the last transfer window and was so annoyed that he wasn't allowed to move that he refused to play in a couple of games for Newcastle.  Realising that now he's stuck in fucking Tyneside until January, he's decided that he is eternally sorry for his actions:
"If the fans were, or still are, mad at me for what happened, then I understand and I apologise to them," said Cabaye.
"I want to come back from what has happened."
Powerful words there.  This is like when the really hot girl from work asks if you want to come round to hers and so you tell your girlfriend you've grown slightly bored off to get stuffed because... errr.... it just isn't working.  Then you get to the hot girl's house and it turns out it's actually a cocktail party that you have to pay to get into and she's there with her really good looking and buff boyfriend who plays rugby.  And so you go home and pretend nothing happened at all, telling your girlfriend to stop crying because you can't hear the TV. It takes a real man to apologise.

Monday, 16 September 2013

Genoa coach spied on Sampdoria dressed like Rambo

Genoa had to issue a statement this weekend denying any involvement with one of their coaches, who took it upon himself to dress up in camouflage and spy on Sampdoria on a personal mission.  Because why not

The youth coach, who is also the Grandson of Genoa's greatest ever goalkeeper and therefore very recognisable, was found hiding in a bush at Sampdoria's training ground after fans noticed strange movements in the woodland area next to the pitch, and also because they noticed that a fully grown man was hiding in a bush at a training ground.

After being spotted, he legged it, chased by two members of staff from the club until they foiled his master plan as he hid behind a tree dressed in full military attire.  I have exclusive transcripts from the scene:
"Hey uhhh you can come out now.  I can see you behind that tree.  Why are you.... Don't just shuffle around the other side I can still see you"
"I'm a tree" 
"But you're not a tree" 
"...I could be a tree" 
Sampdoria then released a statement:
"That the derby is a question of nerve, tactics and strategy we already knew, but frankly we could never expect that it could turn into an scene of espionage. 
"Like Rambo hidden among the branches on the hill, Luca De Pra, Genoa goalkeeping coach and man of noble footballing ancestry, failed to overcome Sampdoria's intelligence and counter intelligence operations.
"However, no prisoners were taken, and no blood was shed. Once tracked down and caught red-handed, the opposing side's soldier was let free to return to base. You should always forgive your enemies, as nothing annoys them more." 
Here's to you, weird Genoa youth coach.  I admire your tenacity and applaud your desire to spy on a training session against your rivals while hiding in a shrubbery, for no real reason.  If I ever meet this guy I will be so happy

Arsenal sign David Beckham's son

Arsenal have reportedly signed David Beckham's 10 year old son on some sort of youth contract thing that in no way is a publicity stunt.

The North London club has snapped up young Romeo in the hope that one day he will become a pro footballer anywhere near as marketable, I mean as good as, his Dad.  Some people just live outside the real world that you and I inhabit, where names like Romeo would result in you either being called gay or have children on the playground recite Shakespeare to you because your name is in that.  Instead, in this world, the interchange is more like "Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou Romeo" "CAN YOU SPEAK UP MATE I'M ON MY NEW IPHONE TO A SUPER MODEL OH MY DAD IS DAVID BECKHAM BY THE WAY"

Players asked to wear rainbow laces

A campaign addressing homophobia in football has asked clubs throughout the English and Scottish leagues to wear rainbow laces next weekend in a bid to show support for changing attitudes within the sport.

According to the BBC there are 29 clubs who support Football v Homophobia which are:
Premier League: Arsenal, Aston Villa, Crystal Palace, Liverpool, Manchester City, Norwich, Sunderland, West Ham, West Brom
I left out the non-Premiership teams because honestly who cares but LOOK AT THAT -  Manchester United hate gays.  Official.  The title 'Football v Homophobia' just makes me think of an episode of Power Rangers where Homophobia is a giant Daily Mail reader and Football is some sort of gigantic, gelatinous mutant that threatens to engulf the city and destroys buildings dressed like Richard Simmons, drinking cosmopolitans and sharing intimate secrets with your girlfriend while giggling about how hot Ryan Gosling is.

I think this is a good idea because any football playing idiot who doesn't like homosexuals should understand that the only thing gayer than actually having sex with a man is a bunch of naked dudes hugging, kissing and showering with each other afterwards.  If it weren't for the lack of glitter and Take That music in the average lower league changing room, they basically look like Kylie Minogue's house

Gareth Bale scored a goal

For those of you who missed it, Gareth Bale scored on his debut for Real Madrid on Saturday, and joined the ranks of Ronaldo, Zidane and Di Stefano as people who have done that.  Well done Wales man

There's a gif of the goal, and as you can clearly see, it's not a typical Gareth Bale goal.  Not only did he not outpace anyone but he also didn't punt it from about 30 yards in that weird knuckle ball shot thing that he can do and also also it was for Real Madrid and not Spurs.  The best player on the park in that game was actually Isco but as Los Blancos get to know each other better I'm sure CRon and GBale will become best friends and we will refer to them as Bro-naldos.  Then they will do high fives and everyone will be happy that Gareth Bale has new friends.  Next, I will get a friend!  Ha ha only kidding but I really hope I do get a friend one day.  It sounds nice

Andriy Shevchenko wants to be good at golf

Andriy Shevchenko was at one point arguably one of the best players in the world but then he won things, got bored and moved to Chelsea so that he could play golf.  Now he just plays golf

The former Ukrainian striker has begun a new life as a golf pro, if turning up for tournaments dressed up like a golfer counts, that is.  Old Shevvy finished his first real round of golf 40 shots over the cut, which I think is bad but then again my knowledge of golf is pretty poor.  To be honest I don't care because golf is shit, I am terrible at it and it's incredibly boring as a spectator sport.  If you aren't looking at grass, then the sky, and then some grass again, you're watching old people follow a millionaire around a park that they've only just started letting black people into.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

John Obi Mikel: A bit of a twat

Retired referee Mark Halsey has written an autobiography called, "Added time: Surviving cancer, death threats and the Premier League" - which isn't the catchiest title. Anyway, he has spoken of the infamous spat between Mikel and Mark Clattenburg. Apparently Mikel tried to punch Clattenburg and said he would break his legs, which would have been the most he's ever done in a Chelsea shirt. 

Clattenburg was accused of doing two racisms during a game between Manchester United Vs Chelsea, but was found not guilty of doing said racisms. Apparently Mikel went into Mark's dressing room and said "I'm going to break your legs. You called me a fucking monkey". Which would be a surprising thing for a referee to say. He also tried to punch him but was restrained by about six people. I wonder what he did actually say, maybe "you're a fucking donkey" - which would be more believable, and accurate.

It seems so long ago that everyone was racist and fighting. When's Luis Suarez back? 

Gerrard threatened by mutant

A lot of people don't like Steven Gerrard, apart from the odd two-footed lunge and fondness for diving, he always seemed quite an affable chap to me. That didn't stop some moron threatening to kill him and his family.

According to reports and a few photographs, some half-breed scaled the walls of Liverpool's training complex to give Gerrard abuse. Not funny abuse, like "jabroni" or "dick-splash" but more like ‘I know where you live, you prick’ and ‘I’ll burn your fuckinging house down" - bear in mind that a few years ago people did actually break into Gerrards home and threaten to use a knife on his girlfriend and kidnap his kids. It's no wonder big Steve had to be restrained from trying to destroy his face.

Apparently the kit manager ran over to batter the chav, but he sped off on his bicycle (yes bicycle) whilst shouting, "I'll kill you, and your kids!". I didn't think it was possible for me to hate anyone more than the robot "Brian", but this guy has just taken top spot for this week.

Thursday, 12 September 2013

Roberto Carlos warns Chelsea that Eto'o is a dick

Brazil thunder strike king, Roberto Carlos, has warned Jose Mourinho that Sammy Eto'o did fuck all while playing in Russia and that he might be a damaging presence in the changing room.  IT HAS BEEN FORETOLD

Although he looks like an action figure in that photo, according to his previous team-mate and boss, the accessories that would come with this toy are 'none' because, shockingly, he wasn't too bothered about playing for a really bad Russian team in a pointless league, living in the middle of nowhere, being paid about £300,000 every single week.  I don't really know what they expected to be honest.  If someone paid me that much money to do something that I am better than 100% of other people living in that country, there's no way I'd be arsed.  But I guess until they recognise dog punching as a real sport, I'll never know.

12 year olds banned from football

Two 12 year olds from Newcastle have been banned from every single football ground in the UK after throwing things during the violence after Sunderland v Newcastle last April.

Danny Dyer was the only way to illustrate just how naughty these lads are.  Twelve years old and wrecking havoc across the North East.  I don't actually know the full details of what they did but apparently it involved missiles, which isn't as exciting as it sounds.  Not only were they not launching rockets at anyone, but even lamer, their parents handed them into police hahahah ahah ahaahahahaahahahahah

You pair of of fannies.  Anytime a team from England plays abroad these two children have to hand in their passports, and on a Newcastle match day they aren't allowed in the city centre.  The judge said:
"I hope you've got a television at home because you won't be going anywhere near a football match for a long time."
I think the real criminal here is society.  Or the judge for choosing to ban two 12 year olds from the city centre on most weekends.  We've all done things we regret and didn't fully understand when we were young.  Hell - I did loads of stupid stuff when I was 12!  Like once I didn't bother trying to get any emeralds one time in Sonic 2, another time I stayed out playing football until 10 minutes after my Dad told me to get home and I was grounded, and another time I was raped by my neighbour in his shed

When G Bale met Ronaldo

Gareth Bale joined up with his new Real Madrid team-mates yesterday (I think) and he met Ronaldo, who is in another level of handsome.  Bale looks like a child on a movie set

Until Gareth Bale starts wearing sunglasses everywhere and having secret children he will never be in the same class as Ronaldo.  According to the new FIFA 14 rankings, Ronaldo is the 2nd best player in the game and Bale is the 17th.  Bale cost £86million and the strangest thing about that is that I really don't think anyone's too fussed - it's like when you get a council tax bill and you go 'for fucks sake why am I paying for a bunch of fatherless minks to go to a youth centre' but you've already got a direct debit so the money just goes straight out anyway.  You don't mind as much as if you had to actively pay the bill because it's not really your choice, and besides, everyone pays council tax and it is nice to have my bin taken away so I can keep putting empty pizza hut boxes smashed beer bottles filled with my tears inside.

Another interesting spin on the Bale tale, is just where on the pitch he's going to play.  Coming back to FIFA, I see he's registered as CF but there's no way he's playing there at Madrid.  My bet would be

Since that way both CRon and GBale can cut inside and punt the ball from 25 odd yards.  I'd still expect Barcelona to win the league this year but I have no idea who the favourites are.  You can get up to date odds at Betfair if you like.  Also, Modric is not a DMC so that's a good way to shove a £30million player somewhere on the pitch.  It's like when you ask a child what his fantasy team would be and he names 18 strikers with no thought to team cohesion.  It's also like when you ask Paul Ince what his fantasy team would be and he just looks at you and starts dribbling, before collapsing to the ground.

That picture up the top is of a combined £160million.  It's pretty mental when you think about it.  It's also weird how it feels like Bale has gone on some once in a lifetime trip to Real Madrid like he's won a competition.  Do you remember about 3 months ago when he was the best player in the Premier League?  You know, that really big league you watch all the time.  It's fairly important too.  I think.  Is it?

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Trappatoni says goodbye

Giovanni Trappatoni has parted ways from the Irish football team, but not before he made lots of money- good for him.

Trap is one of the most Italian people you could ever meet, if you cut him he bleeds tomato and basil sauce, and his testicles would make the most delicious meat balls. Unfortunately his football was also very traditionally "don't lose" Italian, disciplined football. That's fine if your players are Italian, it doesn't work when you are Richard Dunne. The only way they hoped to win games was by relying on Robbie Keane to score in every game, which is never a full-proof strategy. Unless someone discovers a way to turn Walters running around a lot into goals, something that baffled scientists for years with Kenny Miller, I'm not really sure Keane is enough...I am sure, It's not

After losing 1-0 to Austria, Ireland have about as much chance of making the World Cup as Scotland and Trap thought, what's the point really? At 74 years old he should be drinking copious amounts of red wine and playing dominoes with other old people- moaning about how shit everything is. Being old must be great, apart from struggling to walk up the stairs, pissing yourself and losing the ability to drive more than 40mph. Anyway he's off to do some of those things and good luck to him.

The good news for Ireland fans is that you are losing someone who won about 50 trophies as a top class manager and you are replacing him with Mick McCarthy. Swings and roundabouts. 

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

International Superstar Soccer Deluxe Round-Up

Lots of soccer balls were kicked into the net tonight - but what did it all mean? I have no idea but with the power of the internet, let's find out together.

GROUP A - Belgium (favourite of the bookmaker Bwin) (winners) / Croatia (play-offs)

Wales 0-3 Serbia - Wales have turned out to be really, really shit. They only have 6 points and rather embarrassingly, they came from two wins against Scotland. Scottish people like me will tell you that those games don't really count because Gareth Bale won one of them single-handedly, and the other game you had a penalty and Ramsey scored. Ramsey plays for Arsenal and that's also unfair. Our best player plays for Wigan.  Welsh fans were chanting for Chris Coleman to be sacked, which is fair enough really. The man is hilariously awful...unless you support Wales, then it probably makes you want to cry. Kolarov's goal is "an outrageous hit" as ultra lad Andy Gray would say.

Macedona 1-2 Scotland - I wrote about this already. We are Officially the best fourth placed team in Europe. 

GROUP B Italy (winners) / fuck knows (play-offs)

Armenia 0-1 Denmark - Nobody cares about Armenia. Daniel Agger scored a penalty. The Danish are famous for bacon and pastries. Somewhat surprisingly I've never seen the two together. That's my weekend sorted.

Malta 1-2 Bulgaria - Malta are one of those teams that shouldn't be in the qualifying, I've got a better chance of qualifying and I am just one very small adult man. Gargorov scored the winning goal for Bulgaria. He sounds like a monster from Elder Scrolls. I'm not going to google him in case he is really handsome.

Italy 2-1 Czech Republic - Italy came from behind, which I believe is how the Italians like it. Balotelli scored the winning penalty because he fucking loves penalties...and yellow cards- he also got one of them. Kolaf was sent off right at the end of the game, he didn't see the funny side.

GROUP C Germany (winners) / Sweden (play-offs)

Borat 0-1 Sweden - Zlatan scored after 27 seconds and everyone was like "here we go!" and it didn't. Zlatan is too good, seriously why can't Scotland have a Zlatan? We used to get excited about Alan Hutton running in straight lines really fast.

Austria 1-0 The Real Ireland - The good thing about the home nations is we stuck together, all united in shiteness. Although by varying degrees of course. Ireland are more like a solid breakfast dump and now they have pretty much no chance of the play-offs after Bayern Munich man Alaba scored the only goal of the game in the 84th minute. You've got to love the Irish though, they never take themselves too seriously, they took on Connor Sammon with 10minutes left to play. That's great craic. 

Faroe Island 0-3 Germany - Not much to say here, it's the fucking Faroe Islands. Ozil scored a penalty, he likes scoring doesn't he...with SLUTS. Sorry.

GROUP D Holland (winners) / somebody (play-offs)

Romania 0-2 Turkey - When Turkey aren't busy trying to fix football games, they are playing football games. Tonight they won a football game and Yilmaz scored again- how he is still at Galatasary is a complete mystery to me. Perhaps his agent can fix that for him.

Andorra 0-2 Holland - What the fuck Holland? 2-0 against a ski resort? Sort your shit out. Oh RVP scored an absolute spanker, watch it on 101greatgoals - seriously don't bother with TV highlights and punish yourself with pointless jibba jabba.

Hungary 5-1 Estonia - Estonia, another country who will never even get close to qualifying, what is the point? I mean you could say that about Scotland, you could, but would you? Yes, you probably would. I have no idea about any of the Hungary players but a dude called Dzsudzs├ík scored, which I pronounce like Dude Shack - which sounds like a gay bar, so he's alright in my book. 

GROUP E Switzerland (winners) / somebody a bit shit(play-offs)

Norway 0-2 Switzerland - Switzerland are the best team in this group. If this group was a pop group, they would be The Feeling i.e really terrible. Some guy who plays for Basel called Schar scored both goals. I googled Schar because I have never heard of him and discovered that he is the world leader in gluten-free, so well done him.

Cyprus 0-2 Slovenia - I don't even think I care enough about this game to write anything. Er...I went to Cyprus once when I was younger with my parents. They said they were taking me and my brother to a turtle beach. It was a nudist beach. There were no turtles.

Iceland 2-1 Albania -  in the Mighty Ducks 2: Team USA, the Iceland team lose to the final to the Ducks in a penalty shoot-out. Iceland's best player, the feared Gunner Stahl misses the decisive penalty. After a stand-off with his coach he says "you lost it for yourself! Come on, let's go shake their hands". This simple act of gracious defeat and sportsmanship really rubbed off on me and made me always cheer for Iceland - SO YEAH! IN YOUR FACE ALBANIA! YOU SUCK!

GROUP F Russia (winners) / Ronaldo (play-offs)

Russia 3-1 Israel - Russia are currently top and look set to stay there. Maybe it's because they are good at football, maybe it's because they hate gays, either way our friends from the East are well on their way to Brazil. A country of warm sunny, beaches and loads of men wearing speedos. It's their worst nightmare. 

Luxembourg 3-2 Northern Ireland  - Northern Ireland take the "most awful result of the night" award and it's well deserved. Luxembourg have only won four times in qualification history and is more like a city than a country. Unfortunately for N.I - the white Pele or black Maradona, Niall McGinn had to be subbed with an injury. Had he stayed on, they probably would have won 10-0. Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales can just have a wee three-way tournament next summer and we can fight it out for the honour of who is less rubbish than the other.

GROUP G Bosnia or Greece (winners / play-offs)

Lithuania 2-0 Liechtenstein - two guys scored a goal each. The home fans were really happy. The away fans were sad. Somewhere a family is crying over their pet dog Petey who had to be put down.

Slovakia 1-2 Bosnia - This was a big win for Bosnia. Forever finishing runner up in their group and losing their play-off to Portugal, will they finally make it to a major tournament? Beating Slovakia and Hamsik's massive ridiculous hair is a good place to start. 

Greece 1-0 Latvia - God damn Greece are just so boring. They are joint top of the group having scored nine goals in eight games. Bosnia have scored 25 goals in 8 games. I've just got back from Greece and I'm really thankful for the souvlaki but please finish second in the group. It would serve you right for all the manky stray cats getting their cat AIDS all over everything.

GROUP H England (winners) / Ukraine (play-offs)

San Marino 1-5 Poland - San Marino scored their first goal for four years. FOUR YEARS. "Hi FIFA, we don't think San Marino should be in the qualifiers anymore" "Why not?" "Well they haven't scored a goal for four years". Poland didn't even have Lewandowski playing, it should have been a blood bath rather than just a blood...shower.

Ukraine 0-0 ENGERLAND - WHAT.A.GAME. Well I've no idea really as I only saw 10 minutes, but the 10 minutes I did see were fucking terrible. Ashley Young, Tom Cleverley and James Milner in the same midfield, at the same time. Is it possible that the football had actually been replaced by a giant grenade? There has to be a genuine reason the England players wanted to get rid of it so quickly. I imagine Hodgson will say this was the gameplan and it was executed perfectly and England got the point they wanted, and they are top and they are going to finish top of the group and they are going to Brazil, and they...shut up Roy! 

Group I Spain (winners) / France (play-offs)

Georgia 0-1 Finland - This group is completely pointless.

Belarus 2-4 France - France twice went behind thanks to Hugo Lloris pretending to be a beached seal,  before the gargoyle-faced Ribery inspired a comeback. It was the melty-faced lesbian Nasri who scored the decisive third before Paul "exactly what Manchester United need but sold" Pogba scored the metaphorical nail in the coffin. France will almost certainly have to go via the play-offs and they better find Benzema another underage prostitute so he starts scoring again or else they could be in trouble.

Scotland are champions of the world

Scotland are now less shit than Wales, even though they beat us twice...CHAMPIONS! 

We are now Group A 4th place Champions, which is kind of like winning the World Cup but better because the fans don't get to go to Brazil and party for a month. Instead we get to watch other teams we don't care about, like Switzerland or Greece.

Scotland took the lead through Anya, proving that not all Scottish people look like ghostly heroin addicts. He is actually Scottish even though his Dad is Nigerian and his Mother is Romanian, he was born here and he's not quite good enough to play for England, Nigeria or Romania so he is definitely Scottish. It was a good finish and he played well so let's be thankful that we now have people in the Scotland squad like him and not Gary Teale.

When I watch Shaun Maloney play I always think he's good at free kicks, but then I never see him score one, so start to doubt myself. Who am I really? Am I the person I thought I would be? Am I the person I want to be? Then he actually scored and my contemplation was quickly replaced by- "What a fucking goal!" and I didn't give a shit about any of that other stuff. Although it make take a lobotomy to erase the memories of Craig Levein.

At full time I flicked over to see the last few minutes of the England game and it was so bad I think it actually gave me a tumour. 

Monday, 9 September 2013

Mesut Ozil is a mad shagger

According to The Daily Mail, who in my eyes have gone from 'racist hate mongers' to 'champion wind up kings' very quickly (note: I still hate it), Mesut Ozil has been flying private jets so he can get some shagging done.  TOP LAD

According to the story in that particular newspaper, Ozil has been tiring himself out by flying to Italy all the time in order to bang this:

I can think of two reasons why Ozil's look the way he does now - hereditary gene passing, tits, and because he is part chameleon and can move both eyes independently to ascertain where danger is.  This is also why he is able to play through balls.

Real Madrid were said to be willing to sell the star midfielder because he was knackered from destroying the ex-Miss Venezuela and I think they might be making that up.  The minute that girl got close to touching my penis, I'd empty all over my pants like a misfiring hose, or like when you shake up a diet coke and it fizzes everywhere and spills out of the bottle and it's embarrassing and then your hands get all sticky and you have to shake the diet coke off your fingers or wipe it on your shirt, and you don't want to lick your fingers clean because diet coke is gross.

Blatter Made A Mistake

Blatter making a mistake isn't really a story. Blatter admitting he made a mistake is. Everyone thinks having the World Cup in Qatar is retarded, even Sepp Blatter.

In Qatar the average summer temperature is about 40 degrees and homesexuality is against the law - which means footballers won't be able to shag each other to death in the hot sun. In fairness, that was unlikely to happen anyway. However, the temperature is a big factor and Blatter has repeated that the World Cup must be played in the Winter, or at least in October or sometime when the temperature won't get up to 50 degrees and players die.
"It may well be that we made a mistake" - the words of a desperate man
Blatter did go on to say that Europe needs to accept it doesn't rule the football world and this isn't going to be a one off. So it looks like once every four years the European leagues are going to be a fucking shambles with a 2 month break just chucked in somewhere so a World Cup can happen.

Unfortunately FIFA are going to continue to try and ruin everything for many years to come. I have it on good authority that all the TV rights money inherited is going into a secret underground laboratory, where they are working on technology where they will remove Blatter's brain and stick inside a giant Frankenstinesque body so he will never die. Kind of like Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but Swiss and full of shit.

Coaching is difficult #TOTHEDREAM

If, like me, you are absolutely terrible at Football Manager but still maintain that you do actually know what you're talking about, perhaps you should read some books or get some coaching from a coach who will teach you how to coach.  Like these coaches did

Stuart Pearce was on hand to try and forget the pain of being fired, footage not seen includes him screaming at the groundsman after he scores a penalty against an 11 year old.

Despite looking like he spent the evening sleeping on a park bench, Alex McLeish paid a visit to a team I don't know to teach them how to hit 30 yard James McFadden stunners.  Footage not seen includes no-one being able to do that because no one is AS AWESOME AS JAMES MCFADDEN

Gus Poyet took some time out of his busy schedule visiting every TV studio in England to help teach some lessons at this club.  Footage not seen includes something to do with poop and the away dressing room.

Alan Curbishley is still alive apparently

What's remarkable about the Pulis video is that he doesn't spend the entire time convincing them that causing injuries is the best way to progress in football.  Footage not shown includes him having a shower with 'the lads' and then head butting the dug out because it looked at him in a 'gay way'.

It's actually pretty interesting hearing these guys talk about 'football tactics' because I genuinely wasn't aware that some of those guys knew what that was.  Then again, unless it's from a drop down menu, I don't know either, and like I said, I'm terrible at FM.

You can visit their site for further information and share your thoughts on Twitter with the hashtag #TOTHEDREAM

England fans attacked in the Ukraine

Whenever I read the words "England fans" and "unprovoked" in the same sentence, I make this noise - "pah!". But after reading one whole article and various tweets, it would appear that a group of assholes in the Ukraine decided to bravely beat up a group of people enjoying a coffee.

A group of England fans were at a coffee shop, which must be how you spell public house in the Ukraine, when a pack of hooligans wearing balaclavas and brandishing knives decided to say hello...with violence. One England fan was slashed on the hand, not by Slash the guitarist but by a genuine knife. Another had a beer bottle smashed over his head, whilst the third victim was badly beaten and bruised. 

Rumours are that it was a neo-nazi hooligan group of hooligans, who also used tear gas and threw a flare. This is based on the knowledge that many football hooligans in the Ukraine love fascism and racism and generally suck balls. Thankfully nobody died and the England fans have said they don't want to pursue the matter or help the police with their enquiries because...I actually have no idea why they don't want to do that. 

Football violence is so fucking lame, think how hard Danny Dyer has tried to make football violence seem cool. Now think how shit Danny Dyer is. What more do you need to know. 

Steven N'Zonzi is bad at hit and runs allegedly

Stoke City player Steven N'Zonzi might have possibly allegedly ran over a cyclist the other day and then told him "Good luck finding me on foreign plates".  Except then the internet found him.

We obviously have no idea if it really was N'Zonzi because that's a legal matter, but people on Twitter definitely seem to think it's him after cross checking his French license plates.  This is just classic internet.  I love how you can get away with anything if you have enough money just as long as no-one from the internet sees you doing it and even if you didn't actually do anything in the first place, as soon as the rumour has been retweeted enough it doesn't matter anyway.  It's like even if Rolf Harris is proved innocent of his charges, in my mind he's been molesting children and animals in locked veterinary rooms while the theme from Animal Hospital drowns out the noise this whole time.

Kyle Walker loves legal drugs

Kyle Walker has issued an apology after being caught HAVING FUN on his own personal HOLIDAY!!!  KILL HIM WITH FIRE

The Spurs and England right back was photographed inhaling laughing gas from a balloon on holiday somewhere and the Daily Mail has rightly criticised him for doing 'hippy crack'.  What is important to remember is that footballers are not real people and so are not allowed to do things that you and I do like take nitrous oxide, go to the Spar or dress up like a lady on Saturday nights and wank off ripped dudes in the corner of dark R&B clubs I mean ice skating

Gabby Agbonlahor attempts to murder One Direction

Aston Villa forward Gabriel Agbonlahor nearly killed Louis Tomlinson in the Stilian Petrov charity match this weekend, and the most amazing thing about this is that Agbonlahor is only 26.  I'm sure he's been alive longer than me

I don't understand why someone from One Direction was playing for Celtic and not a single member from 5ive even seems to have been invited but that is just the world we live in.  It's also the world where teenage girls will send you death threats on Twitter if you injure someone from their favourite boy band (from the Daily Mirror):
After leaving the pitch, the boy band singer also then vomited.  hah ah a hah haa

TBF it's not as if he could have gotten up and attacked his assailant, since I'm fairly certain that Agbonlahor is immortal. Not only does he look about 15 years older than he actually is, but he's looked that way since I can remember him, as though he was thawed out from a block of ice they found.  Maybe that's what they do with him between games - put him in a freezer.  He's like bumble bees in that he simply hibernates when put in extreme cold and comes alive again when defrosted.  My plan is to attach a string to him next time he's sleeping and then take him for a walk in the park to try and end the rest of One Direction.  If that doesn't work I think Agbonlahor should haunt him like a ghost by hiding in his closest and underneath his bed

Paolo Di Canio is shit

Paolo Di Canio is basically an angry cartoon version of himself at the moment and is thoroughly pissed off, for a change, that his Sunderland team is shit.  Even though he bought all of the players.

The Italian's first team played a 'behind closed doors' friendly against the under 21s and lost.  Rather than focus on the positives and work from there, Di Canio has decided to tell his players that he hates them all and that he wants them dead.  I bet those foreign technical players are delighted that they've moved from nice sunny countries to Sunderland, where an angry fascist shouts at them for not winning everything straight away.  I honestly don't know if it's more likely that Di Canio starts playing himself upfront or if he stabs someone to death with a football boot at the moment, either way, science has all but confirmed that he is a gigantic penis.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Manchester United need a DoF

Damien Comolli has kindly offered Premier League rivals Manchester United some free advice by letting them know that they should probably get a Director of Football since Ed Woodward doesn't seem to know what he's doing.

The Liverpool DoF made the comments after watching United miss out on pretty much all their summer transfer targets, and it must be quite nice finally being able to tell that club that they are shit, the minute their Dad is out.
"If there's a club who needs a director of football it's United," said Comolli.
"It would ease the process for both individuals."
United without Ferguson in charge is like when your class gets a substitute teacher in.  You know at some point the real boss is probably going to have to come back so if you're ever going to get a chance to bully the ginger kid it's now

Greg Dyke be tripping

Greg Dyke is the new FA chairman and he has 'kicked off' his reign of terror by deciding that England should win the World Cup in 2022.


Looking at countries like France and Spain, who popped up with world beating squads overnight, Dyke believes that by monitoring the dwindling numbers of English players in the Premier League and presumably by using evil sorcerer powers, the national team should reach the semi-finals of Euro 2020 and then go onto win the World Cup after that.  The only way this can be stopped is if Steven Gerrard winds him up about not being as powerful as a genie, and so he turns into a genie and is then trapped inside a lamp.  It could also be stopped just by normal life since there is no way this will fucking happen.  If it does, I am going to live on the moon, so see you later

Alan Hansen is leaving Match of the Day

Alan Hansen will leave Match of the Day at the end of this season to sit at home and laugh at all the people in the world who have to put up with only Alan Shearer and Mark Lawrenson for football analysis, in the greatest and most elaborate wind up of all time.

The former Liverpool and Scotland defender has always been fairly outspoken on the art of defending, and will be remembered on the show for saying 'absolutely shocking' and 'absolutely abysmal' like one of those soundboard things you get on the internet to prank call people.  He used to be almost unwatchable as he spouted cliche after cliche but in recent years I reckon he's been great and is easily the most qualified and best to listen to pundit on MOTD that they have.  Which is really saying something.  It's like trying to choose which girl you should focus most of your efforts on trying to bang at a party when the best one is only about a 6/10.  It's not even worth the effort sometimes

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Fellaini is worth £27m says Fellaini

Manchester United were absolutely terrible in the transfer market this summer and managed overspend on giant midfielder Maroune Fellaini to the tune of £27.5million.  He says he's worth it though so it's ok

David Moyes showed off his visionary transfer dealing skills by signing one player he used to have and then absolutely no-one else but according to the big Belgian, it don't matter son.
“It’s the biggest club in the world so of course I wanted to join this club. I tried everything to join the club. It’s been difficult, a very long day. I waited to the end. I know the situation, but this day has been very long. Now I’m here so I’ll try to give my best to the club. I want to win trophies. That’s the most important thing.
There were rumours that Fellaini had actually paid £4million of the deal himself by forgoing various contractual bonuses he could have earned to make the transfer happen and I think that's just great.  There's nothing quite as admirable as a glory hunter jumping ship at the very first chance he gets.  I really admire that a lot.

Wayne Rooney is a monster, Walcott scared of gash

Wayne Rooney got kicked in the head by Phil Jones the other day and it resulted in this injury

I'm not sure why he decided to squash the image and post it on his Twitter, but he did and here it is.  This is an extremely ugly man, there is no way of getting around it.  He should have used the scar he's about to have to make himself more attractive, by giving it a better back story like that Phil Jones sacrificed himself in a battle against a dark wizard, giving Rooney the scar and that's why he's so good at football now.

Walcott said that Rooney's gash was like something out of a horror movie, which is a fairly appropriate comment and if Wayne Rooney did have a vagina it genuinely would be the most terrifying creature in all film history.

Everyone hates Real now, love Ozil

Mesut Ozil is receiving the kind of praise that people who have died normally get since his move to Arsenal, and it's all coming from people involved with Real Madrid because they are very, very annoyed.

Ozil is known as 'the assist king' according to something I read online, and having been described as the best number 10 in world football by Jose Mourinho, it might come as no surprise that Ronaldo is pissed off:
The sale of Ozil is bad news for me. He is the player who knows best my movements in front of goal. I am very unhappy about the sale
He's also only 24, which I didn't know and basically Arsenal just absolutely killed it.   Sergio Ramos and a few other players are also crying that Real sold him, but how else are you supposed to overspend on Gareth Bale if you don't sell some of your best players first?  This is like when my girlfriend moaned when I sold most of her clothes on ebay.  Ummm how else am I going to fit my life-sized cutout of Herman Munster in the wardrobe?  Women just do not think.

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Transfer Deadline Day: A review

We all survived!  Together!  As one, let's hold hands and daaaance through the night oh baby yeh.  Also let's review what happened on transfer deadline day, the greatest day in the world

Some teams planned early, some did what I do on any occasion that I have to buy someone a present, no matter how many times they've let me have sex with them, by leaving it till the last minute.

Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil for £42.5million which tbh is fairly insane.  He's absolutely brilliant, one of Real Madrid's best players and, if you ignore the nonsense of the Fernando Torres Chelsea transfer, is the most expensive Premier League player ever.  And Arsenal signed him!  In addition to the attacking midfielder, they also signed some Italian goalie from Palermo.  They receive an A for Axcellent echievement in the transfer market.

Manchester United ran into Woolworths looking for a Buzz Lightyear to be told that they maybe had one round the back if they were willing to pay for it, and thankfully for them Buzz Lightyear handed in a transfer request and secured himself a £27.5million move out of Everton.  After headbutting security staff out of the way to earn his transfer to Old Trafford, Fellaini should help a fairly dreadful looking United not finish in 5th place this year.  Any Premier League team who plays a left footed 39 year old as an AMR deserves to lose everything.

Everton responded to losing their talismanic midfielder by signing Gareth Barry on loan.  Gareth Barry.  And the fun doesn't stop there!  They also spent £13million on James McArthy and were it not for the genuinely brilliant loan signing of Lukaku, I'd be advising Everton fans to prepare for a delightful season where they avoid relegation in the dying weeks.  Now they'll probably do it about 8 weeks before and finish in 10th, which is even worse than being relegated.  Honestly, there's nothing worse than being bored out of your tits as your overpaid "stars" draw 1-1 with Norwich, while Palace fans get to enjoy the excitement of almost not being relegated.

Brendon Rodgers took time out from making everyone near him feel awkward by stopping touching their faces long enough to sign Victor Moses on loan, Football Manager legend Thiago Llori for £8million and that PSG defender guy, Mamadou Sakho for £18million.  Is he good?  Only time will tell.  And also FIFA


Aston Villa, meanwhile, signed some guy called Libor Kozak for £7million and to put into context how little I know or care about him, I've had to switch between tabs 8 times just to spell his name there.

Chelsea didn't sign anyone and neither did City unless you include Demichelis from the day before, which I don't, and so the only other interesting story was that Paolo Di Canio continued his descent further into madness by selling Stephane Sessegnon to West Bromwich Albion.  This leaves Sunderland with Steven Fletcher as their only really good player now, and he's from Scotland.  That's like leaving your 15 year old son in charge of the house while you go out and are annoyed when you come home to find out that he's broken the hoover by trying to shag it.  In my defence, the hoover looked very sexy that day.

In Europe, Kaka moved to AC Milan for free and I don't think anything else particularly erotic happened and so that is my summary of Transfer Deadline Day, for you, my friends.