Luis Suarez is injured now apparently, which is convenient seeing as Liverpool are off somewhere to play a game and he wants to move to Arsenal. Oh you hadn't heard about that? Where have you been living? Because I want to go to there.
Wayne Rooney is going to have to "force through" a transfer from Manchester United according to all the newspapers and honestly I think this is the most annoying of all the rumours. All the journalists go "OH JEREMY I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'D WANT TO LEAVE GUFFAW MY WORD HE'S JUST AT MAN UNITED AND THEY'RE SO GOOD AND HE'S JEALOUS THAT ROBIN VAN PERSIE IS THERE GUFFAW"
He wants to move to London because Manchester is shit. He's the same age as me, I know what he's thinking. Having to put up with Ryan Giggs taking you to the same bar every night so he can try and sleep with your brother, or whatever it is he does, must get pretty tiring after a while. Later Nicky Butt comes down and brings some 'wacky' sunglasses that everyone has to try on and take photos of. Meanwhile, Rooney could be sitting in a hot tub somewhere in Shoreditch pretending that he understands why every song in the world has to have a rap section now.
Oh and he's "injured" too btw
The papers have all gone quiet about Cesc Fabregas to Man United, mainly because it's utter bollocks and they were trying to fill space the entire time. There's only a finite amount of sports news you can find to fill several pages, and that's including the stuff that they employ manatees to make up.
Ronaldo is still no closer to moving to Manchester United even though the Daily Star has an absolute boner for the story. There are now two things you can see from space - the wall of china and the daily star's boner. And my boner. So three things
Oh my god kill me please just fucking move there already