Saturday, 17 August 2013

THE PREMIER LEAGUE IS BAAAAAAACK

The Premier League is back!  Aberdeen are about to win the league!  What a wonderful world.  Let's all play fantasy football together!


We have our own very erotic league that you can join on fantasy.premierleague.com - the winner of which will win a FitbaThatba t-shirt and more importantly, a hand job from one of the accused in operation Yewtree.  To join our league you need to use this pin number 878748-483276

Rather than do a massive long prediction for the season like normal, here instead are our teams, which should give you some sort of indication as to what we think is going to happen this year.

JJ's Team - so aroused right now


Although RVP is clearly the best player to have in your team this year, he's too expensive and so I have gone for a delicious 3-4-3 formation, taking advantage of the fact that Chelsea have 2 games this week. Baines will score freekicks and get assists from corners, Evra is quite good and plays for United who probably won't concede much, and I can't see Newcastle being quite as incredibly shite as last year, thus Krul takes his place in goal.

Johnson might well be completely useless in real life but he seems to earn points.  Snodgrass is super cheap because he's Scottish and therefore could presumably die at any moment from heart disease, Hazard is good in FIFA and Mata lives next door to one of my best friends.  Kevin Nolan will feed on the rebounds of Andy Carroll, with Jarvis and Downing pinging them in all day long for his giant head.

Up front Giroud will score hunners because he's the only striker Arsenal have apart from Sanogo, who all the papers are ripping on because he was free and from the second division.  Clearly these losers have never played Football Manager and so don't understand that in about 2 seasons he'll be worth £20million.  Soldado scored 26 goals in La Liga last year, which comparatively is a bit like Niall McGinn scoring so many in the SPL.  I'm not sure who I'd like to have sex with more.

Peter Crouch is there because he's £6m and Karagounis is on the bench because I love him.

As you can clearly see, there is no Bale because he's injured and moving to Madrid on transfer deadline day and no Suarez because he's suspended for trying to eat Ivanovic.  Other notable exclusions on my team are Michu, because the Europa League is going to rape Swansea this year, and some other guys.


Jack's Team - Rolf Harrisment



Until Jack decides to edit this, let's all agree that his team is awful and that he touches himself at night looking at pictures of horses

Shut up you fuck.

*cough* So there is my team - except I subbed Shirley for Oscar the Grouch which turns out to be a good move as he's actually starting. I'm too lazy to change the picture.

The GOAL TENDER - Mignolet looked like a lost boy (not a vampire) in goal yesterday with a few dodgy moments but then saved a penalty and kept a clean sheet so I WIN. I chose him because Liverpool can defend against most teams, except the good ones.

DEFENCE - simple, three attacking full backs who like to get forward. Johnson looks border line retarded sometimes but he like to gallop forward like a gazelle who's looking to avenge the death of his father. Evra got lots of points last year and I love Zabaleta and his impending baldness.

MIDFIELD BATTLE GROUND - I do what all people who pretend they know about football do, and listen to lots of podcasts. Everyone has been telling me how good Paulinho is so I decided to get him because he's cheap. Apparently he's like Frank Lampard, which means he likes to get into the box and eat pies. He didn't do much of that today (pies and boxes) but he did play well. He successfully keeps his spot for Week 2.

Michu - no explanation needed. Oscar and Hazard are in mainly because I think Chelsea will rape in their first two games at home. Not a long-term strategy I know but that's how I role, the world of fantasy football needs a few maverick renegades. On paper my midfield destroys JJs but Snodgrass and Nolan are proven fantasy football point winners and cheaper than my chaps. Not just a pretty face our JJ. That's why I hate him.

GOAL SEEKERS - Fuck what was I thinking? Lukaku? Jesus. I was convinced Mourinho would be like - "oh he's totally huge and scores goals, I should play him". Instead he's like, "I am Jose Mourinho and I will prove that Torres is not a gigantic shit heap of fail". Dzeko probably won't play for Man City either once Aguero is fit. Soldado will score if Aaron Lennon or Chadli can ever get balls into him. So yeah - basically I need my midfield to do everything. Where's that transfer button?

I've got some subs but they are really, really shit...except Zaha but he won't play.

So there you go - join us on fantasypremierleague.com IF YOU DARE