Group A: Manchester United, Bayer not Bayern, Real Sociedad, that Shakhtar team
Man United will win this group because I know who their players are, Shakhtar don't have any good players left and are from the Ukraine or somewhere like that, Bayer Leverkusen don't have anyone that I would buy on FIFA and Real Sociedad are probably shit. Finishing 4th in La Liga is about as full of point as winning Division One on FIFA. You know if you try hard enough you'll do it but you could have spent that time talking to girls instead
Group B: Real Madrid, Turkey, Juventus, Aberdeen beat them
I'm fairly sure Juventus will win this one because if they don't then the referees are going to be sleeping with the fishes see. If they don't then Real Madrid will because Ronaldo and G Bale will be pinging in 80 yard bicycle kick goals every 15 minutes, as is my understanding of how good they are according to people on the internet. FC Copenhagen must be shit because Aberdeen pumped them at home about 5 years ago and Galatasaray have a very disinterested Wesley Snipes in midfield, an ageing Drogba upfront and Eboue
Group C: Paris St Germain
PSG have their own group where they will try not to defeat themselves. I think at some point some they go to Greece to laugh at the poor people while they guzzle champagne from the back of their flying limousine but otherwise they just have a kick-a-bout until the knock out rounds.
Group D: Pep Guardiola, Russia, someone else, Man City
Bayern Munich will try and hold onto their Champions League trophy by beating every single team in possession statistics. The number of goals the opposition score against them doesn't matter because 76% possession looks really good and in fact, Bayern aren't even going to bother playing any strikers this year so that the midfield of 8 players can keep the ball even longer without the annoyance of having to tackle someone or shoot or something like that.
CSKA Moscow is pointless and cold, that Czech Republic team is going to get pumped and Man City will continue to attack through the middle until the opposition score against them from a corner. Just when you think playing out wide and delivering balls into the box is the best option, Pellegrini will cleverly switch to attacking through the middle but will advise his strikers to turn off their navigation equipment and use the force to find the goal.
Group E: Schalke, Romania, All of the midfielders ever/Jose Mourinho, Basil Brush
The current home of Kyriakos Papadopoulos, who is easily the best defender I've seen play live, will most probably finish 2nd in this group, with Chelsea finishing first because Jose Mourinho is like the greatest manager ever. Steau Bucharest will correct me on how to spell that first part of their name at some point and FC Basel are going to hang out to make up the numbers, like that annoying guy from your office who you rope into 5 a side and then regret it.
Group F: Arsenal, Marseille, Napoli, Borussia Dortmund
Arsene Wenger will have the opportunity to play any number of the 1 players he signs before the end of the transfer window in this group, which basically just looks like The Emirates Cup, except actually competitive. Dortmund will be pretty tasty even though Gotze has fucked off, Napoli are good I think and Marseille used to be decent so yeh. Apparently this is a group of death, because you always need one of those
Group G: No-one cares
Here's a picture of Kate Upton in underwear to make this bit interesting because honestly I don't care
Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan, Ajax, Celtic. lol
This group has given journalists everywhere the delightful task of patronising Scotland and anyone to do with Celtic as they go on a 'plucky' 'underdog' journey to three of the biggest European teams in history. If they manage to come out of this group with a point they'll have done well tbf and the annoying thing is that I'd actually like them to do well if it wasn't for the fact that everyone who supports them thinks they're from Ireland. They're not. I looked on a map and everything. It's definitely Glasgow. So stop it you dicks, you're ruining it.