Friday, 30 August 2013

Arsenal sign a player

Arsenal's crazy summer spending spree has finally kicked off with the signing of one of their own players wat


Do you remember Mathieu Flamini?  He was that midfield guy who used to play for Arsenal about ten years ago.  Well remember no more, because he's back!  At the age of 29 and already training with the club for free, Arsene Wenger has let some of his massive treasure chest be spent on wages for one of his old pals.  Flamini is a free transfer after leaving AC Milan at the end of last season and this is very exciting news.  Future signings are rumoured to be Dennis Bergkamp, Robert Pires and Steve Bould.  Plus the ghost of some former Arsenal player who was good.  I think you know the joke I'm going for here but I really cannot be fannied finishing it

CHAMPIONS LEAGUE DRAW: A SEXY REVIEW

The Champions League draw was done yesterday and the groups are very exciting.  Let's predict the outcomes in a SEXY WAY! ;-)


Group A: Manchester United, Bayer not Bayern, Real Sociedad, that Shakhtar team

Man United will win this group because I know who their players are, Shakhtar don't have any good players left and are from the Ukraine or somewhere like that, Bayer Leverkusen don't have anyone that I would buy on FIFA and Real Sociedad are probably shit.  Finishing 4th in La Liga is about as full of point as winning Division One on FIFA.  You know if you try hard enough you'll do it but you could have spent that time talking to girls instead



Group B: Real Madrid, Turkey, Juventus, Aberdeen beat them

I'm fairly sure Juventus will win this one because if they don't then the referees are going to be sleeping with the fishes see.  If they don't then Real Madrid will because Ronaldo and G Bale will be pinging in 80 yard bicycle kick goals every 15 minutes, as is my understanding of how good they are according to people on the internet.  FC Copenhagen must be shit because Aberdeen pumped them at home about 5 years ago and Galatasaray have a very disinterested Wesley Snipes in midfield, an ageing Drogba upfront and Eboue



Group C: Paris St Germain

PSG have their own group where they will try not to defeat themselves.  I think at some point some they go to Greece to laugh at the poor people while they guzzle champagne from the back of their flying limousine but otherwise they just have a kick-a-bout until the knock out rounds.

Group D: Pep Guardiola, Russia, someone else, Man City

Bayern Munich will try and hold onto their Champions League trophy by beating every single team in possession statistics.  The number of goals the opposition score against them doesn't matter because 76% possession looks really good and in fact, Bayern aren't even going to bother playing any strikers this year so that the midfield of 8 players can keep the ball even longer without the annoyance of having to tackle someone or shoot or something like that.

CSKA Moscow is pointless and cold, that Czech Republic team is going to get pumped and Man City will continue to attack through the middle until the opposition score against them from a corner.  Just when you think playing out wide and delivering balls into the box is the best option, Pellegrini will cleverly switch to attacking through the middle but will advise his strikers to turn off their navigation equipment and use the force to find the goal.


Group E: Schalke, Romania, All of the midfielders ever/Jose Mourinho, Basil Brush

The current home of Kyriakos Papadopoulos, who is easily the best defender I've seen play live, will most probably finish 2nd in this group, with Chelsea finishing first because Jose Mourinho is like the greatest manager ever.  Steau Bucharest will correct me on how to spell that first part of their name at some point and FC Basel are going to hang out to make up the numbers, like that annoying guy from your office who you rope into 5 a side and then regret it.

Group F: Arsenal, Marseille, Napoli, Borussia Dortmund


Arsene Wenger will have the opportunity to play any number of the 1 players he signs before the end of the transfer window in this group, which basically just looks like The Emirates Cup, except actually competitive.  Dortmund will be pretty tasty even though Gotze has fucked off, Napoli are good I think and Marseille used to be decent so yeh.  Apparently this is a group of death, because you always need one of those

Group G: No-one cares

Here's a picture of Kate Upton in underwear to make this bit interesting because honestly I don't care



Group H: Barcelona, AC Milan, Ajax, Celtic.  lol

This group has given journalists everywhere the delightful task of patronising Scotland and anyone to do with Celtic as they go on a 'plucky' 'underdog' journey to three of the biggest European teams in history.  If they manage to come out of this group with a point they'll have done well tbf and the annoying thing is that I'd actually like them to do well if it wasn't for the fact that everyone who supports them thinks they're from Ireland.  They're not.  I looked on a map and everything.  It's definitely Glasgow.  So stop it you dicks, you're ruining it.

Chelsea sign Eto'o

Money lovin' Cameroon person, Sammy Eto'o has signed for Chelsea on a one year deal.  Who doesn't love Sammy Eto'o?  No-one.  That's who!  Except Fernando Torres


The striker was one of the world's best when he was at Barcelona, and he was fairly sexy when he ripped up Serie A during his time at Inter Milan.  I actually have no idea if he was good at Inter but I'm going to assume that he probably was.  Two things I do know for sure are that Fernando Torres is absolutely shit and that just because you live in the same house as someone, hiding underneath their bed dressed as a pirate isn't funny after 4am apparently

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Papiss Cisse has a BBQ

Good old Papiss Cisse has been making up for refusing to wear the shirt of the team he plays for by hosting a BBQ at his home in Northumberland.  I like barbecues and also prefer when it is spelled BBQ


In a move that I can only assume has been engineered by his agent for PR purposes, the Senegalese striker invited some people back to his house, cooked them food, played them at FIFA and then gave them all replica shirts.  It sounds like a really cool, nice thing to do and if it weren't for the fact he'd invited the Newcastle Chronicle round to take photos and interview him, I'd think that.  Instead I'm thinking about Troy Mclure pretending to marry Selma


Cisse told the local newspaper:
“I’ve liked it here from day one. I feel very much at home. I like the area and the supporters and the city. For me now it is all about making them happy.
“For me, [engaging with the fans] is an obligation, a duty if you like. To me, when I pull on the shirt it is for the fans.
“When I first came here I didn’t realise so many kids and so many fans would feel the way they do about me. Now my duty is to make them happy for as long as I can do it.”
This is like inviting ITV to follow you repainting the side of your neighbours' house as you pretend it isn't part of a community service order that you got for painting a gigantic penis on the side of your neighbours' house.  Some people just don't get art, man.

Gareth Bale skips training

OHHHH scandalous.  Gareth Bale has skived work today and is very angry that Spurs still haven't signed him yet.


The Wales winger, or forward, or whatever he is now was in Madrid to try and complete this ridiculous 100 bajillion space dollars transfer but was ordered back to begin training today.  Then he didn't begin training.  With this sort of behaviour, it's only a matter of time before he begins smoking, hanging out in back alleys next to the school and eventually finds himself homeless, beating up people for internet videos so that he can buy some more heroin, or a blanket.

Still currently at Spurs, Bale has said that he is 'furious and frustrated' that the deal hasn't taken place.  And amidst all this transfer madness with Rooney angry and confused, Bale furious & frustrated,  John Terry skipped training today 'horny & racist'

Monday, 26 August 2013

Arsenal and The Transfer Market (new video)

How would Arsene Wenger get on if he used his transfer market techniques in a convenience store?  LET'S FIND OUT


Like that

The media are brainwashing you

Arsene Wenger has accurately pointed out that the media may be to blame for the 1000s of glory hunting sheep who are moaning about Arsenal not winning the World Cup this week, or buying anyone at all.


Arsenal have so far managed to successfully sign 0 players this summer HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS HAVE YOU SEEN THIS and definitely won't be getting Luis Suarez.  One player they might actually get is Mathieu Flamini, because he's free and already there.  Yohan Cabaye might be on his way for £20million-ish if Wenger actually decides to spend money but the fans need to wise up, according to the man himself:
"The media in general has brainwashed a little bit the Emirates. Maybe rightly so, I don't know, because we haven't won trophies for years everything is negative. But we have to live with that and focus on playing well football.
"We lost one game since the beginning of March. That's why it was a shock. But we won in the Champions League at Bayern Munich. We won at Fenerbahce. It is just like that at the moment.
"People always want news. We live in a world which is very interesting but very excessive. When people are not loyal, you are critical. When people are loyal, you say they have been there too long. It's always excessive reaction. The people in charge need to keep their distance from that more than ever.
Arsenal are now pretty much where I am on most Saturday mornings at about 3am, texting various numbers on my phone just to try and see some tits.  If you leave it too late you just end up with someone like Gervinho, when really you want to have sex with Giroud.  I mean sign him.

Spurs are buying people

Spurs may have missed out on Willian to Chelsea, but that hasn't stopped AVB from telling Franco Baldini to buy all of the expensive players from his current save game on Football Manager.  Next up: Hulk


The Tottenham manager wants to add Hulk to his list of attacking players but only if Zenit stop asking for £40million for him.  This is in addition to the proposed transfer of Erik Lamela, who you probably know from FIFA, and some guy from Romania whose family will travel with him and pretend to be able to play various instruments like the accordion and the violin outside HMV.

It's all quite exciting at White Hart Lane and thanks to the magic of the penalty kick, the North London side boast a 100% record two games into the season.  I can relate because I have a 100% record of being sexually aggressive, according to witness reports from that party I went to last week.  Hopefully soon I will be able to stop hiding in my Uncle's shed but until then I will sit here and eat biscuits

GBale is off

So by now, you've all worked out that Gareth Bale is away to Real Madrid to live his dream of being in the Champions League but Sky News have just revealed that there's a secret second bidder in the mix.  WHO COULD IT BE?  (man utd)


I'm pretty sure Bale is trying to literally become Ronaldo, like in the same way that serial killers take on the personalities of their victims.  If the rumour merry go round is true, as soon as Bale signs for Madrid today, Man United will announce the signing of Ronaldo because of some finance rule to do with the New York Stock Exchange and then Chelsea will buy Rooney.  I don't know how much of that is actually true and I only know what the New York Stock Exchange is because Bane broke in and plugged his iPad into it.  I would like it if Real Madrid signed Bane.  Gareth Bane?  Perhaps.

Wales 3 - 1 Money

In a battle between good and evil this weekend, Cardiff City triumphed and Joe Hart continued to be utter balls.  YOU HAD ONE JOB JOE


The England keeper flapped at a couple of corners as Zabaleta failed to do anything close to marking his man and this resulted in Cardiff defeating the dark lords of finance in a rather entertaining Premier League game yesterday.  Dzeko hit a ball really hard, Frazier Campbell did some cool stuff and City were fairly useless.  All of the newspapers are going 'Ohhhhhh City's team cost £90billion to put together and Cardiff's only cost £8.40 what a shocking result' but what they're forgetting is that Cardiff is in Wales.  All I know about Wales is that Ryan Giggs is from there, they have hills and I think also dragons.  Catherine Zeta Jones.  Aaaand Tom Jones.  Rugby?  I don't care

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Jose Mourinho wants to close the window

Jose Mourinho has suggested that the transfer window be shut before the Premier League season begins because it's a pain in the arse losing and buying players a few games in.  IS HE RIGHT?


I used to be a big fan of having the transfer market permanently open because signing players was really fun and interesting but the constant bullshit in newspapers nowadays is starting to do my tits in.  WAYNE ROONEY R CHELSEA LOL - honestly I don't care.  I have no idea what's actually real anymore.  Is Ashley Williams going to Arsenal?  Did the moon landing really happen?  Did I dream that I looked stunning in that dress?  No, no they can't take that away from me

Man City do training with a GoPro

Man City's YouTube feed is actually pretty cool and their latest video features players doing a training session and then pre-match with a GoPro so you can finally experience what it's like to be a City player.


In the video we get to experience what it's like to save shots as Joe Hart, listen to Samir Nasri shriek like a girl when he gets the ball, and see up close how good David Silva is on a training pitch.  It made me feel like a professional football player just watching it, which is why afterwards I bought a porsche, several vietnamese prostitutes and phoned the Daily Mirror to tell them I wanted to move to Real Madrid.

Fenerbahce fans are resourceful

Fenerbahce fans have craftily deduced that sleeping is an important part of Arsenal's pre-match routine and general lifestyles, which is why they spent all last night setting off fireworks outside their hotel


Arsenal take on the Turkish team tonight in a Champions League qualifier which both teams want to win because that tournament is quite important and if they lose they don't get any European football (read: money).  Aaron Ramsey and Theo Walcott were very excited about the match because they got to go on an aeroplane.


I bet sitting next to Theo Walcott on a plane for four hours is about as much fun as browsing through the movies list on the plane, and probably about as annoying.  Do I watch the classic film I've always wanted to see on a tiny little screen or do I watch the newest comedy-by-numbers starring Paul Rudd?  When I'm presented with this option, I choose to strangle Theo Walcott



edit: Ramsey posted this video on instagram today from his hotel room

Diego Simeone hates La Liga

Diego Simeone has expressed how pointless La Liga is by alerting everyone to the fact that only two teams ever win it and that this is boring.


Now he's retired from getting David Beckham sent off, Diego Simeone is managing Atletico Madrid and while this may sound fun to you, to him it is a pain in the balls because there's almost literally no point.  When asked if he had any title aspirations after starting the campaign with a 3-1 win, the Argentine said:
"No, absolutley none at all. Madrid and Barcelona play in a different league, and this is a boring championship. We'll have to wait until there is a change in the share of television revenue, because this is a two-team league."
It's kinda like going to an expensive cocktail bar for a change and realising that no matter how many times you try, none of the girls there are ever going to have sex with you.  Although I have heard that these kind of women like a strong, useful, resourceful man, like a builder, and that persistence is key.  This is why I like to follow them home dressed in a boiler suit with a hammer to show how handy I am, but so far no girls have even talked to me :-( most have run away, screaming

Arsenal are reeeeally bad at transfers

Arsenal bid £10million for Cabaye the other day, royally pissing off Alan Pardew in the process because he's worth about double, and it was done 2 hours before Newcastle's first game.  Now PSG are just going to buy him for whatever


Along with the golden rule that it's not gay if it's in a three way, it's also not gay if it's with Yohan Cabaye, and this is why PSG are set to bid about £20million to get the transfer for the France midfielder over and done with before Arsenal even realise what's happened.  At this stage in the transfer window I'm pretty sure the best option Wenger has for signing anyone at all is to bid £25million for every single player in the world and just see who gets back to him.  He's like that guy at the party that no-one wants to talk to because you know when you go to the bathroom he's going to be trying to convince your girlfriend that she should come round sometime and let him photograph her.  Curse you Dad!

Franco Baldini wins the transfer market

Spurs have pretty much officially won the transfer market this summer by swapping Gareth Bale for 5 really good players, jumping over Bowser and landing on that axe thing so he falls in the lava.


The real master behind Spurs' transfer strategy is newly appointed Franco Baldini, who is that sexy man below


This man has overseen the almost 100% nailed on sale of GBale for about £80million plus Coentrao, and spent that money on Capoue, Chadli, Soldado and Paulinho who are all quite good, especially all of them.  Spurs could realistically push for a top 3 place this year if everything goes their way and importantly I bet they're actually quite fun to go as on FIFA this year as opposed to Arsenal, who have been boring to go as for about three years now.

Now there are strong rumours that the singer from Black Eyed Peas and also a guy I know from Football Manager are going to join too and things look pretty good for Spurs.  It's just one of the many reasons why it will be hilarious when they finish 5th again

Monday, 19 August 2013

David Moyes is funny

David Moyes has had a successful start to his Manchester United career, winning one pointless hubcap and now his opening Premier League match with the club.  He celebrated by playing a practical joke on Everton and bidding £28m for their two best players


Fellaini's transfer clause just expired the other night, which was something like £24million, which means that Moyes either thinks Baines is worth £4m, or he's just trying to see how Everton respond.  Kinda like sending an ambiguous text to a girl you want to shag like 'wanna have sex?'  Now we just have to play the waiting game

PSG got gypped

Sometimes when you play FIFA or Football Manager, the game conspires to cheat you and it's so enraging that something has to be broken.  Usually it's a desk or a controller, but for PSG, a late equaliser from Cavani saved their entire stadium being burned down.


Seriously, wtf is that.  I didn't even watch the game but I can only assume it brought about new worlds of frustration for those who did, unless of course you support Ajaccio, but I don't even know how to pronounce their name so I don't care.  That's the same for a lot of things in the news really.  If I can't pronounce it or don't know what it means then I don't pay attention because I assume it's either boring or not real.  'Court summons'? Suuuuuure thing mr postman.  Keep on trying, you can't fool me

Arsenal are SEETHING

WENGER OUT was what people at the Emirates stadium were singing, shouting, or thinking this weekend as Arsenal were absolutely pardewed by Aston Villa.  That's Aston Villa.  Now Wenger thinks he should probably sign someone


Arsenal have about 3 fit outfield players for their game against Fenerbahce on Wednesday and then a weekend fixture against Fulham and this is somewhat less than ideally they would like.  Normally you would like to have at least 10 players, but because Wenger has become really really bored of meeting new people all the time and prefers to live life on the edge, he placed all his eggs in one basket.  The problem is that he didn't check if the eggs were broken before he bought them and it turns out that they all are, and if not cracked, some of the eggs just have cruciate ligament injuries.


This guy almost breaks down in tears because his team lost one game, and even Arsene Wenger's apology to the fans after the match wasn't enough to console him.  Instead of using the whole summer to sign the 4 or 5 world class players they needed, Arsenal have decided to do their transfer dealings in much the same way that I buy presents for my family at Christmas - full of whisky and from Asda the night before.  Never has the phrase 'that'll do' been more apt than when you just want to get home before the pub shuts.

Instead of taking home the 'Deluxe Red Power Ranger with moving limbs' for his kids, Wenger now has to make to do with the 'electric ninja star' in yellow, which nobody really wants, but the actual toys are sold out now. Also rather than costing the £2 it should due to mass manufacturing in a Chinese suicide factory, the price has been inflated to about £30m.


The Suarez thing still hasn't gone away but even if he does sign, the two fit central defenders and three average midfielders the Gunners have left is pretty shocking, especially now Wenger says he's working 24 hours a day to try and sign people.  And so in about two days, he'll awake to the sound of the postman delivering 8 dvds that he forgot he'd ordered whilst trying to pour a whole bottle of coke into a tiny glass of rum.

DEATH TO WENGER scream the fans, and I can understand.  It must be absolutely horrible having to watch your team of millionaires qualify for the Champions League every year, safe in the knowledge that they are financially secure and can still compete at the highest level.  Wow, I feel so sorry for you guys.  Please send me your address so I can send you some biscuits, you whinging bellends.

Sunday, 18 August 2013

Crystal Maze 0-1 Spurs

Crystal Palace gave a good account of themselves in their season opener against the White Spurs. What did we learn from today? Let's read on.


Spurs lined up as expected without Bale who has a foot, or a pain in his foot, or some reason for not playing that isn't wanting to leave for Real Madrid. New signings Chadli, Soldado and Paulinho did start and it was time for Spurs to prove that they don't need Bale to score goals and win games. Except they didn't really at all. Sigurdsson had a good effort from the edge of the box saved, but apart from that they didn't carve out any real chances. Thankfully they got a penalty which Soldado scored with the assurance of a man with a nose like mine. A nose of confidence. Defoe came off the bench and should have scored. A sentence I must have typed before.

What about Palace? Well what about them. They defended well, the fans were loud as fuck, they ran around a lot, they piled on the pressure in the last ten minutes. The problem is that their best attacking option is injured, their second best attacking option is a 40 year-old Kevin Phillips. At 40 years old, footballers should either be on TV, coaching or bankrupt. Little known fact - Kevin Phillips said the secret to his longevity comes from 10 years ago when he actually killed the head of a tribe in Papa New Guinea. As is the tradition he ate his heart and celebrated with a 12 hour dance ceremony around the dead body.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

THE PREMIER LEAGUE IS BAAAAAAACK

The Premier League is back!  Aberdeen are about to win the league!  What a wonderful world.  Let's all play fantasy football together!


We have our own very erotic league that you can join on fantasy.premierleague.com - the winner of which will win a FitbaThatba t-shirt and more importantly, a hand job from one of the accused in operation Yewtree.  To join our league you need to use this pin number 878748-483276

Rather than do a massive long prediction for the season like normal, here instead are our teams, which should give you some sort of indication as to what we think is going to happen this year.

JJ's Team - so aroused right now


Although RVP is clearly the best player to have in your team this year, he's too expensive and so I have gone for a delicious 3-4-3 formation, taking advantage of the fact that Chelsea have 2 games this week. Baines will score freekicks and get assists from corners, Evra is quite good and plays for United who probably won't concede much, and I can't see Newcastle being quite as incredibly shite as last year, thus Krul takes his place in goal.

Johnson might well be completely useless in real life but he seems to earn points.  Snodgrass is super cheap because he's Scottish and therefore could presumably die at any moment from heart disease, Hazard is good in FIFA and Mata lives next door to one of my best friends.  Kevin Nolan will feed on the rebounds of Andy Carroll, with Jarvis and Downing pinging them in all day long for his giant head.

Up front Giroud will score hunners because he's the only striker Arsenal have apart from Sanogo, who all the papers are ripping on because he was free and from the second division.  Clearly these losers have never played Football Manager and so don't understand that in about 2 seasons he'll be worth £20million.  Soldado scored 26 goals in La Liga last year, which comparatively is a bit like Niall McGinn scoring so many in the SPL.  I'm not sure who I'd like to have sex with more.

Peter Crouch is there because he's £6m and Karagounis is on the bench because I love him.

As you can clearly see, there is no Bale because he's injured and moving to Madrid on transfer deadline day and no Suarez because he's suspended for trying to eat Ivanovic.  Other notable exclusions on my team are Michu, because the Europa League is going to rape Swansea this year, and some other guys.


Jack's Team - Rolf Harrisment



Until Jack decides to edit this, let's all agree that his team is awful and that he touches himself at night looking at pictures of horses

Shut up you fuck.

*cough* So there is my team - except I subbed Shirley for Oscar the Grouch which turns out to be a good move as he's actually starting. I'm too lazy to change the picture.

The GOAL TENDER - Mignolet looked like a lost boy (not a vampire) in goal yesterday with a few dodgy moments but then saved a penalty and kept a clean sheet so I WIN. I chose him because Liverpool can defend against most teams, except the good ones.

DEFENCE - simple, three attacking full backs who like to get forward. Johnson looks border line retarded sometimes but he like to gallop forward like a gazelle who's looking to avenge the death of his father. Evra got lots of points last year and I love Zabaleta and his impending baldness.

MIDFIELD BATTLE GROUND - I do what all people who pretend they know about football do, and listen to lots of podcasts. Everyone has been telling me how good Paulinho is so I decided to get him because he's cheap. Apparently he's like Frank Lampard, which means he likes to get into the box and eat pies. He didn't do much of that today (pies and boxes) but he did play well. He successfully keeps his spot for Week 2.

Michu - no explanation needed. Oscar and Hazard are in mainly because I think Chelsea will rape in their first two games at home. Not a long-term strategy I know but that's how I role, the world of fantasy football needs a few maverick renegades. On paper my midfield destroys JJs but Snodgrass and Nolan are proven fantasy football point winners and cheaper than my chaps. Not just a pretty face our JJ. That's why I hate him.

GOAL SEEKERS - Fuck what was I thinking? Lukaku? Jesus. I was convinced Mourinho would be like - "oh he's totally huge and scores goals, I should play him". Instead he's like, "I am Jose Mourinho and I will prove that Torres is not a gigantic shit heap of fail". Dzeko probably won't play for Man City either once Aguero is fit. Soldado will score if Aaron Lennon or Chadli can ever get balls into him. So yeah - basically I need my midfield to do everything. Where's that transfer button?

I've got some subs but they are really, really shit...except Zaha but he won't play.

So there you go - join us on fantasypremierleague.com IF YOU DARE



Friday, 16 August 2013

The FA wants people to wise up

If like me, the reason you don't play football is because you are too shit and because you absolutely hate 90% of the people involved with the sport, be it the skinhead with no Dad who is trying to break your leg or the guy from work who thinks he's in a world cup final during your 5 a side match, you'll probably enjoy this video that the FA made.


In the video there's this robocop style thing that sorts out bellends on the sidelines and I lold, so therefore you will too.  Because if you don't find things funny that I do then I WILL KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW OH GOD SO HELP ME I WILL ha    ha ha      ha aaa ah aha aha i won't really i love my playstation too much.


The point of the film is to obviously encourage people to be law enforcers themselves and encourage idiots to stop being idiots on the sidelines.  If there's one thing I've learned from my nearly 28 years on this planet it's that idiots respond exceptionally well to being told what to do and can competently analyse complex moral and sociological arguments and resolve them with reason and positive outcome without even trying.  This is because they headbutt you and then tell their brother, who is in jail, that you're gay so that he'll batter you.

Regardless, I like the video so give it a watch.

http://www.thefa.com/my-football/player/respect

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Ronaldo loves Di Maria

Because Angel Di Maria is sometimes a bit average and all of the big European clubs want to buy him, most people assumed that he'd be leaving Real Madrid this summer.  Fortunately for him, no-one goes anywhere unless Ronaldo SAYS SO!


If the rumours are true, Di Maria was an important part of any bid for Gareth Bale that the Spanish giants were going to make but because ol' Ronny is a big fan, he didn't go anywhere.  Di Maria even said so:
"Yes, it's true. He didn't tell me, but I found out through someone else", the winger responded, blushing. "I'm delighted to play alongside an icon like him at Real. It makes me proud that he said good things about me and supported my cause to stay, since there was speculation that I was leaving. It's very important for me",
I can identify with this, because when my last boss wanted to get rid of me, the guy above him vetoed it to make sure I'd say.  I was delighted, and only had to wank him off about 8 times before I resigned.  I didn't even like working in the Spar that much

Christian Vieri is really bad at the internet

Christian Vieri might be a football legend, but he doesn't seem to understand what Twitter is, why he has it, or where his shoes have gone.


I'm going to assume that Vieri has that thing turned on where he can reply to tweets from his phone and tweets come through from a random number, but I still like the idea that he's either about as good at the internet as Grandpa Simpson or Siri recorded him being kidnapped

Richard Scudamore


A List of Movies With Footballers In Their Names








Here IS a collection of the greatest movies with footballers in their names that guys over on the football365.com forum AND ALSO ME made.  I had to share them with you because I love you with all my heart. Especially the two guys I still haven't sent t-shirts to



By Vox2000

By Vox2000

By:Buttered Senseless

By: Smog

By: Adam's Left Foot
By Irwin's Barmy Army

By Rocky Raccoon

By Rocky Raccoon
By tanglewood
by gang of one
By Sgt. Slaughter

by FitbaThatba