Bat shit mental booze hound, Paul Gascoigne, has been entertaining himself recently by allegedly drunkenly assaulting people at train stations.
The former England star has battled alcohol demons in recent years and I think at this point in his absolutely crazy life, he may believe that literally that is what he's doing. As he wildly attacked what he thought to be the booze devil, in his demonic Stevenage train station lair, Gazza truly believed he was close to completing the game and finally winning the princess. Instead he woke up in jail, which is not the ending Nintendo had in mind. Why is Mario so obsessed with stalking that one princess? I wonder if the subtext is that she's actually a 14 year old and he a disgusting pervert. Having spent months grooming her online, he finally does battle with her father who he believes to be a dinosaur with archaic relationship ideals. After murdering the beast by pushing him off a bridge, he can statutory rape the princess, all while on a lunch break from fixing someone's toilet.
In a way, it's the ultimate love story of our time