Sunday, 21 July 2013

5 Reasons This Cesc Fabregas Thing Is Absolute Nonsense

There are more rumours in the papers today that Man United have offered £30million plus some other stuff for Cesc Fabregas and I'd just like to point out that it is utter bollocks and never going to happen.  WITH BULLET POINTS SO YOU KNOW I'M CORRECT

Reason number 1: He plays for Barcelona 

Barcelona is in Spain, which is sunny and nice, and not miserable and shit like Manchester and he has supported the club for all of his life.  This is like if you really wanted the Ghostbusters HQ for years and years and years and then one day you get it, and although you sometimes have to let your older friends play with it until you get a shot, when you do it's absolutely magic, and then David Moyes phones you up and asks if you want to play Turtles in Time on the SNES.  I mean sure it's a great game but.... I have the Ghostbusters HQ

Reason number 2: Barcelona just sold Thiago and kinda need him 

Because Pep Guardiola has a master plan to buy every single good midfield player in the world and then have them sit on a bench, Barca have sold Thiago for £30million or something close to Bayern.  This leaves them fairly short on world class midfielders and with Xavi getting on a bit and the club currently managerless, it wouldn't make very much sense.  Unless somehow it does make sense in which case ignore this point

Reason number 3: Arsenal have first refusal

I'm sure I read somewhere that Barcelona still owe Arsenal about £10million from the transfer and so since the club also has first refusal on the player, if United did make a successful bid, Arsene Wenger would just under cut it and bring the player back to London and London is ace.  It might be far too expensive to drink alcohol in pubs but a player as sneaky as Cesc surely wouldn't mind sitting on the street with a red stripe until he's pissed enough to justify one pint for an hour.  Also he probably has friends in London

Reason number 4: Space Lions

 As we all know, space lions have been investing heavily in property on earth for a number of years now in a bid to raise prices and collect the profit.  Cesc Fabregas has been accurately chosen to represent earth as one of its most erotic inhabitants so if he were to move to Manchester United then he would have to relocate his entire lazer defence team from Barcelona and that would take upwards of four days, which absolutely no-one can be fannied with.

Reason number 5: wasps

Cesc has been reading the BBC news page recently and that article on how there are no wasps right now is great, but the fact that by the end of the summer there might be loads of the assholes everywhere has put him off returning to England.  I would be fucking glad if they go extinct, I honestly can see no use for them at all.  They don't pollinate stuff, they sting you for no reason, they walk all over your jam and they look absolutely terrifying.  If you're ever talking to someone who says 'god has his reasons' tell them the story about that wasp which lays its eggs INSIDE some other insect and then the young eat their way out of the creature, and ask them 'what is his reason for that?  Is his reason that he is a cunt?'

So yeh I really hope wasps don't come back.  A wasp comeback tour would be only slightly less popular than if Hear Say were to reform