Chelsea have completed the signing of Andre Schurrle. The German player moves for £18million and yes I am serious, don't call me Shirley.
I was going to base this entire article around that Airplane joke, but our friend @7amkickoff actually tweeted it first so now I just look like a copycat. Why are cats copy cats? Why not a copy dog? I should really research that. But first, a pie chart:
I honestly would have no idea who this dude is if I hadn't wasted most of this year playing Ultimate Team. Thankfully I can count playing football computer games as research, just like looking for pictures of cheerleaders is. It's research for my boner! Am I right guys? HEY OOOHHHH