Saturday, 29 June 2013

Cologne are good at kit launches

German side Cologne showed off their new retro looking kit by dressing up as players from the 70s.  That's it.  Now I have to make a story out of this hmmmm

I don't know who those guys are but I like that the black one had to wear an afro and dress like a pimp. He was probably like 'uhhh guys I'm pretty tired of this derogatory stereotyped 70s African-European/American get up.  It's setting back civil rights dozens of years and portrays my ancestors in an arguably negative light - have we not moved on from those days?  Can I not be just a normal guy with a moustache, who happens to be black?" and so the organisers said "oh god yes, I'm so sorry, you're completely right" and then he stole their bike

Carlos Tevez has already annoyed Juventus fans

Carlos Tevez decided to turn over a new leaf as he completed his move to Juventus, and that leaf was on the road that he drove over as he took the much coveted number 10 shirt from the club.  The fans hate him already

The nnumber 10 shirt has previously been worn by such greats as Platini, Baggio and the more recent Del Piero and there were even calls to retire the shirt after the latter moved to Australia.  He refused this to be allowed and the club simply rested the shirt for the season and oh my god I completely forgot that Del Piero plays in Australia now.  That is mental.

Regardless, fans of the Turin giants feel that Tevez might not be worthy of the shirt since he's currently a convicted felon and fucks off to play golf whenever he feels like it.  The Argentine says:
I feel the responsibility of wearing this number and I'm aware of the great responsibility of representing Juventus and playing for the club, so this number is certainly a great challenge
Or at least that's what his translator said.  I'm pretty sure when he talks he just leans his head back and growls like a wookie so only certain people can really understand him.  Like Han Solo and Chewbacca, or anyone fat, bald and ugly who is married to someone from Vietnam

Andres Iniesta is generous

Andres Iniesta earns a lot of money because he's very good at football, and because of this he has been able to help his former club Albacete avoid relegation.  Awwww

In this still from the Lionel Messi nativity story, we can see Iniesta and his lovely friends on top of some card that I found in the cupboard of my old room.  In Iniesta's old cupboard are lots of memories from his time as an Albacete player and his donation of €240,000 towards players' wages have prevented his former club from facing relegation to the 4th division.  It is a very generous thing to do and aside from the fact that it equates to about a week and a half worth of pay, it's still a lot of money.  If I were to donate the same amount of money to a hobby of mine I'd be able to afford nearly 60% of my rent.  Isn't money great?

Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Pay £20k, play for Macclesfield

Macclesfield know how to do publicity and if top level staff aren't shagging each other, they're offering the public the chance to play for their team.

For only £20,000 you, YES YOU, can play 10 minutes of football in an actual league or cup game for Macclesfield Town.  Some of us have dreamed of such an opportunity and thankfully smart ones, like me, have been saving all of our spare money to take advantage of a once in a lifetime deal like this.  From what I understand of it, I will be able to carry out the following lifelong ambition:

My plan is to score a bicycle kick from 40 yards and then Natalie Imbruglia runs over from the stands, puts her hands down my pants and yells 'I LOVE YOU SO MUCH' while she furiously, and erotically, undresses herself.  I reply, "I love you too Natalie Imbruglia" and feel her boobs.  They are like delicious marshmallows.  Then, with all the crowd cheering me on, I will consummate our new found love in the centre circle, then shoot a free kick in to the top corner and win £1million from Richard Branson who has been there to support me through my recent cancer scare.

All this for only £49.

Chelsea sign Schuurle

Chelsea have completed the signing of Andre Schurrle.  The German player moves for £18million and yes I am serious, don't call me Shirley.

I was going to base this entire article around that Airplane joke, but our friend @7amkickoff actually tweeted it first so now I just look like a copycat.  Why are cats copy cats?  Why not a copy dog?  I should really research that.  But first, a pie chart:

I honestly would have no idea who this dude is if I hadn't wasted most of this year playing Ultimate Team.  Thankfully I can count playing football computer games as research, just like looking for pictures of cheerleaders is.  It's research for my boner!  Am I right guys?  HEY OOOHHHH

Norwegian footballer injures her vagina

In Norway they take women's football very seriously, and that's why Elise Thorsnes posted a picture of her vagina injury on Twitter.


The player in question has apparently sprained her vagina, which I'm pretty sure is not a real thing, but at least she has put a packet of what appears to be poverty noodles down her pants.  I have a photo of what she actually looks like so you can decide whether your boner is appropriate or not

Meh.  3am if no-one else better is around.  I mean it's either that or send text messages you'll regret until next weekend, so you have to decide at some point.  The worst thing is looking through your sent messages the next day and seeing what a tremendously sleazy ass hole you really are.  No-one uses smilies unless they want to get banged.  Ever.

Some more suggestions, other than more pictures like this, that I would like to submit to improve women's football would be the mandatory swapping of shirts at half time and full time, only hot girls are allowed to play, and full penetration must be shown after the match.  Should they be oiled up?  Perhaps.  Am I joking?  Possibly.  I think after that fireworks should go up and the Rock should People's Elbow all of them, and then they should show Jurassic Park on the tv screens in the stadium.

If one of you could write that in an email and get hold of Sepp Blatter I'm pretty sure we're on to something

Juventus sign Tevez almost

Italian giants Juventus have agreed a £10million deal to take Carlos Tevez away from Man City, which seems pretty cheap to be honest.  Hmm.

The wacky Argentinian has had his fair share of antics in Manchester, including being hounded out of the club and then kept, flying to Argentina because he wanted to and also doing community service for various driving offences.  He personifies the 'I really don't give a shit' attitude that I hope my future children adopt, because this guy is fucking rich and he doesn't give a shit.  That's easy to do.  What happened to HAVING to move back to Argentina?  I'm pretty sure Italy is farther away.  Ah well.  Fair well.  I will miss you, sexy Blanka from Street Fighter 2.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Isco is going to Madrid, not City

Spanish sensation Isco is set to move to Real Madrid after Zinedine Zidane talked him out of a move to Manchester.  City will be piiiiissed

Zidane told the Real president that Isco is really good, and that glowing reference was enough to get the transfer machine turned on and working.  Madrid is slightly nicer than Manchester because no English people live there, there is a sun and you don't have to get drunk to enjoy anything so it seems like Isco has probably made a good decision, as a young Spanish person.

The French legend was also the man who convinced his club to sign that Verane guy, and he turned out to be quite good so he must have a good eye for it.  It's like when I recommended Alton Towers to my friends and they really enjoyed it, but really the last laugh is on me because I have never been to Alton Towers

Balotelli meets Kobe Bryant

NBA star Kobe Bryant took time off from settling out of court cases where he is charged of sexually assaulting 19 year old girls to meet some footballers the other day.  Mario Balotelli was delighted to meet him

As we all know, black people love basketball, and that's why Balotelli is so delighted to meet the rapist basketball player.  The two of them really bonded over who could "score the most hoops", where the DE Fence is at and other commonly used basketball phrases like that.  After, they discussed how the only reason they actually understand some of the rules for the sport is because they played NBA Jam on a megadrive when they were younger and also that's how they learned about ice hockey except with NHL.  I'm still not sure when I'm allowed to punch the opposition players.  Or why.  I do like it though

Ancelotti is Real boss, Blanc is PSG

Sexual flower designer, Carlo Ancelotti, has finally taken over the reigns at Real Madrid, which is strange because I did not know that it was a horse.

HAHA IT'S NOT A HORSE THOUGH IS IT.  Laurent Blanc has also joined PSG, meaning that there are no managerial vacancies left in the big leagues now so Steve Kean must wait patiently in the darkness.  Imagine you woke up and Steve Kean was eating all of your bread in the house and you were like 'ohhhh I really wanted to make a sandwich but I can't' and he laughs and says 'I SHALL HAVE ALL THE SANDWICHES IN THIS HOUSE' and then he turned into a giant eagle and soared into the night sky.  That would be very unexpected.

Johan Cruyff wants to sell Messi

Johan Cruyff is a bit of a Barcelona legend and that's why he thinks his former club should Lionel Messi now that Neymar plays for them.

The creator of the 'Cruyff turn' told Marca this:
"No, I wouldn't have signed Neymar," Cruyff told Marca. "With Neymar on board, I would have planned for the possibility of selling Messi - and some would agree with that, others not. 
"You are talking about a team, its players, the things around it ... There are too many things at stake. That's why it's so difficult to manage such a top class squad."
 I think that selling the best player of all time is a great idea, especially now they have a new best player of all time.  One with an un-twistable stomach!  Cruyff actually makes a bit of sense because when you start throwing large egos in to the same dressing room it can cause problems.  Big problems:
"It's like the free kicks. Neymar is very good at taking them, and Messi has already shown he is. Who's going to take them?
My god.  Has no-one considered the free kicks?!  WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE FREE KICKS?!!!!  Although I guess Messi could take them.  And sometimes Neymar could too.  No.  No that's too complicated, let's take it easy for a minute.  I have other things on my mind just now, I'm not thinking clearly.  I mean, we're getting a new tumble dryer today, but the current one still works most of the time but oh CHRIST WE NEED TO SELL OUR HOUSE NOOOWWWWWW

Tony Hibbert is exciting

When Everton defender Tony Hibbert isn't running away from explosions or solving international conspiracies, he's busy catching carp because he likes fishing.

Hibbert made the front cover of Angling Times this month and yes, that is a real magazine.  If you weren't turned on before, you will be once you read his breathtaking story:
[Tony Hibbert] realised a life-long dream to buy his own carp fishery last year and this summer he invited Angling Times for a quick session
The final tally from the weekend was 9 dead, 54 wounded.

Monday, 24 June 2013

Lionel Messi pays his taxes

Lionel Messi has apparently paid €10million in back taxes on top of the €4million it is believed he and his Father owe the Spanish government or whoever it is you pay tax to.

The Barcelona forward has been accused of tax fraud for a bunch of money he earned from image rights and other boring stuff like that, and there were even rumours that he could go to jail!  Now that this tax amount has been paid, and this is just an internet rumour btw, he won't have to even go to court which is good for all the current inmates in Barcelona prison.  They had been devising tactics for raping him by studying his movements during matches but had decided he's just too fast and it would have been embarrassing.  As we all know, there's nothing worse than being left on the floor when you've tried to sexually assault someone in prison.

Guardiola is educated

Pep Guardiola has been busy studying German while on his gap year in New York and he has learned so well that his brother expects his first press conference at Bayern Munich will be in fluent German.

Guardiola couldn't have played this any better.  Not only has he got pretty much the easiest management job in European football, with a team that will find it difficult to lose, but he gets to look super bad ass by speaking another language fluently just because he can.  When he goes out in public it must be like the living version of a Lynx advert.  I've basically got a boner now just thinking about him.  I mean because of the porn I'm watching!  Phew close one

West Ham sign Andy Carroll

West Ham have completed the bargain signing of Andy Carroll for only £15million and £100,000 wages a week.

Some people have suggested that it may not have been wise for West Ham to invest all of their money on a player whose main strength is hitting things with his head, but for your benefit I have drawn a diagram of the difference in height between Andy Carroll and other things you will have heard of.  Everyone knows what a tree is and most people know that Tails is that one that always makes you lose rings on the Special Zones but when you think about it, if you just got the amount of rings you needed in the first place anyway, he shouldn't actually cost you any.  He just gets the ones you missed.  If only I'd known this 15 years ago, perhaps my step dad would still be alive

Cesare Prandelli is bad at jokes

Italy manager Cesare Prandelli has apologised for making a joke about Mario Balotelli being black or something.  Also his team is trapped in their hotel

Due to delicious protests throughout Brazil, the Italian team has found themselves contained within their hotel until it is deemed safe to leave, the only exception being Mario Balotelli because he was doing charity work I think.  From the BBC:
Prandelli initially said Balotelli had been the only player allowed out because his "colour is different to ours" but later apologised.
"I am sorry," he said. "Before I said something about the colour of our skin. It was a joke. Of course."
After that he ate an entire bowl of pasta and sleazed on all of the girls.  Also he made a pizza and had a loud conversation with his friends.  And he was in the mob.  Aaaaaaaaaaand then he did something else racist

Gus Poyet is sacked. Live on TV

Gus Poyet was sacked on live TV last night but you knew that already because you read the title.  Also you might have seen it on TV

The now former Brighton boss was live on BBC's coverage of the Spain vs Nigeria game when the news broke, so rather than discussing the game that everyone was watching, Gus got absolutely fucking grilled by Mark Chapman.  His name is Chappers.

The most astonishing thing about the whole episode was the level of questioning by a BBC football pundit because it was genuinely investigative and interesting.  Had Colin Murray been there he'd probably just have made a bunch of jokes about how everyone in Brighton is gay.  Things like "knock knock, who's there, someone from brighton, oh are you gay, yes"

Sunday, 23 June 2013

Joe Kinnear is great fun

Joe Kinnear has been trying to gain acceptance from the Geordie crowds that so adore their home town team, and his current plan of action for this is to insult club legend Alan Shearer, all the while looking like a badger that got jammed in a wood chipper.

The Newcastle Director of Football has made his role clear to manager Alan Pardew and has assured fans that he will have no say in tactics, training or any of the stuff that a manager should do but also that he is responsible for how the team performs.  It's all bollocks, honestly.
"If things are going wrong at the club I am accountable and he [chairman Mike Ashley] will be coming through me and not through anybody else," he said.
"Everybody thinks Pardew is under pressure. He's not. I am. I could get sacked."
The thought of Mike Ashley coming through Joe Kinnear is horrifying to a level I thought unimaginable before my brain created a vision of it.  His Shearer rant was a longer version of this:
"What Shearer says is diabolical. This is a guy who hasn't got a clue about coaching.
"In the last game of the 2008-09 season he came up with the master idea of playing Damien Duff at left-back.
And while he may have a point I'd honestly not be surprised if/when Newcastle reach a massive world TV audience at like a cup final at Wembley, Kinnear and Ashley take off their disguises

Liverpool sign some guy

Liverpool have completed the signing of Luis Alberto.  ARE YOU EXCITED?  WHY AREN'T YOU EXCITED?

David Brentan Rodgers finalized the deal for the Spanish under 21 player today, or maybe yesterday, after Barcelona turned down the opportunity to sign him permanently after his loan spell with their B team.  The now former Sevilla forward moves for a reported £6.8million and his new boss is very excited:
He has the correct footballing profile and mentality to be a Liverpool player.
"I look forward to working with him to develop his talent."
By that I think he means he wants to touch his face a lot and ask him unnecessarily personal questions like what he's doing tonight or whether he's ever seen a grown man wrestle.

Friday, 21 June 2013

Spain score some goals

Spain beat Tahiti 10-0 last night without really trying but the real highlight of the match was when Fernando Torres missed a penalty.  Against Tahiti.  HAH haha h  AH Aha h Aa H A H AAH HA AH

The Chelsea striker scored four goals and set up a few others but honestly he was awful.  Apart from the teams being about as equal a match up as if Arrigo Sacchi's AC Milan side turned up to play your 5 a side team after you'd been to the pub for a couple of hours, Torres still managed to make himself look average.  Mis-placed pass after another, Torres denied Villa about 5 goals by not setting him properly and while it may seem a bit cruel to laugh at someone who looks like they're currently undergoing chemotherapy, I must admit that I yelled 'WAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY' when he skied his penalty.

Jesus Navas came in fancy dress as a convicted sex offender

And the entire crowd wanted Tahiti to win.  But they didn't.  As Pat Nevin pointed out at half time, most of the defensive errors they made during the game are cut out of junior footballers in Scotland by the age of 11, either through coaching or through the introduction of drinking Tennants Super in a park and trying to finger girls.

Arsenal spend some money

Arsenal have almost nearly completed the signing of Gonzalo Higuain from Real Madrid for £22million! It's a club record *FIREWORKS* *ROCK MUSIC*

The Argentina star is set to sign a big long contract worth £130,000 a week and finally provide the Arsenal fans with a big name signing.  What better way to appease those supporters by purchasing someone who has consistently sat on the bench for a fellow Champions League team these last seven seasons?  It's not even a rhetorical question - the answer is Wayne Rooney, for he is next!  Apparently

According to that guy Usmanov who owns a third of the club, Rooney would be a great fit for Arsene Wenger's side and this is why the crazy Russian is encouraging a bid for the Man United forward.  Rooney seems desperate to leave the Red Devils again because he's scared of David Moyes' pet falcon and also because London seems nice.  Why not try some of our delicious snacks?  For all your food needs.  I saw a restaurant the other day which offers 'food solutions'.  What has happened to the world. I also discovered you can buy burritos online and then collect them on your lunch break.  I REPEAT you can buy burritos on the internet.

Something about Wayne Rooney and £25million blah blah blah

Alan Shearer is sickened

Alan Shearer is furious with his old club and says that hiring Joe Kinnear is a terrible idea and that it undermines Alan Pardew.  He's really sharp like that.  So sharp that it's made him feel physically ill!

Despite insisting that he has Pardew's blessing, there is a not person in the world who believes that Joe Kinnear has Alan Pardew's blessing.  Kinnear lives in a parallel universe where words are merely a construction of the corporate government to turn us all into drones, you need to fight the power man before they brainwash you and make you start paying for your water.  I've heard more coherent sentences from the guy that lives down the road and sits in his wheel chair in the garden and just screams into the night sky, wishing for death.  Or as I like to call him, Dad.

Lukaku wants to be stronger

When Romelu Lukaku isn't busy eating live animals or children that fall down his hunting well, he's getting ready for next season because he just isn't strong enough yet.

On his instagram he posted this:
My last night of being lazy like this.  From 2morrow on my pre-season upcoming season will starts. I will train every single part of my body to be twice as good than last year
I tried to do this to a certain part of my anatomy too but all that happened to me was a fireman had to remove a hoover from my penis.

Tiote is good at fraud maybe

Newcastle midfielder Chieck Tiote has appeared in court to answer several criminal charges, one of which is fraud.  How erotic.

The man from Ivory Coast has been up to shenanigans and to assist with these he needed a driving license.  Rather than do something normal like say... get a legitimate drivers license, he got a fake one that said he was from Belgium.  The BBC has a list of his charges here:
  • Fraud by false representation in that in December he had a genuine Belgian driving licence, to get a UK licence.
  • Possessing an ID document "that was false and that you knew or believed was false, namely a Belgian driving licence with the intention of using the document to establish personal information about you".
  • Making a false statement to obtain insurance in September 2011.
  • Driving a Chevrolet without a licence in February.
  • Driving the Chevrolet without third party insurance on the same date.
I'm not sure what the brain process behind this was, but does this guy not know that probably 90% of people in a small city like Newcastle will know exactly who he is?

Police: "pull over please sir, oh look it's Chieck Tiote!"
Tiote: "Uhhhh no its not"
Police: "Oh.  But it is you."
Tiote: "How do you know?"
Police: " it says so on your drivers license you just handed me"
Tiote: "Oh"
Police: "yeh.
Tiote: "..."
Police: "say I didn't know you were from belgium
Tiote: "ok i have to go now"


Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Henrik Larsson Plays With His Son

What! Oooooooooh. Henrik Larsson of Celtic, Barcelona and Manchester United fame has come out of retirement so he can play alongside his son. He's 41.

Larsson spent far too long at Celtic and everyone moaned about how he was scared to leave the SPL and be "found out" - even though he scored like 40 goals for Sweden. Then he was like, "I'll just go to Barcelona and win everything LOL. Currently he is the assistant manager for Hogaborg, which sounds like a Belgian beer or some kind of sexy robot. With most of their strikers out injured, Henrik has put himself forward to take a place in the squad.

His son Jordan is 15 and also at Hogaborg but plays in midfield. I kind of feel sorry for him, even at 41 and without any game time for four years, his Dad is almost certainly better than he is. One thing I will never understand is Henrik Larsson's dreadlocks, they were just a bit shit - and he kept them for years. He looked like one of those squid robot things from the Matrix.

Make sure to keep up with FitbaThatba to check on Henrik's progress. Unless I forget that I even wrote this, which I almost certainly will.

Thiago to Manchester United

RUMOUR MILL. Thiago scored a hat trick as Spain showed they are kings of U21 football, defeating Italy 4-2. It's been widely reported that Barcelona's young star would join Man United, now someone just threw petrol all over this transfer rumour bonfire - somebody's might lose their eyebrows. I've no idea what I'm talking about.

That someone was David De Gea who signed Thiago's magic football, ‘Nos Vemos en Manchester' - which apparently means 'see you in Manchester'. He could be referring to his birthday party that he has organised later this summer. Apparently his Mum has hired out Goals for the day, they are going to supply juice, cocktail sausages and an assortment of crisps. It really will be a great day out for all involved. Afterwards they are heading to Pizza Hut for a buffet, but only the winners get to go to the ice cream factory. 

Thiago would be available for about £18m as players in Spain have to have a minimum fee release clause in their contract, which we all know from Football Manager. On paper this seems like a great deal, but then if you think about it, for £3m less you can get Andy Carroll. What would you rather have - a small, skinny guy who "dribbles" and "passes"? Or. A massive fucker with long hair who can headbutt his way through concrete walls and down a pint in under five seconds? No contest. 

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Luis Suarez still really wants to leave

Some thought Liverpool striker Luis Suarez might have been over reacting when he said he wanted to run away from England because of the evil media, but it turns out he's very serious.

The Uruguay star scored in his country's 2-1 loss against Spain the other night, despite only having the ball for about 1 minute in the entire game.  His goal game from a free kick and it was very nice.  He is good at football.  This is why Liverpool want at least £40million for him and are readying themselves for a bid from Real Madrid, who seem to have unearthed a secret cave full of gold or something.  I can only assume they are planning to afford Gareth Bale on the assumption that he is 'a diamond in the rough' and can lead the way to enough riches to buy him with in the first place.  'Oh look I have £80million just lying around here, how convenient'.

I'm fairly sure I've used that analogy before.  Regardless, Suarez is pissed off that the rest of his team mates are terrible, or are Jordan Henderson:
“It disturbs me that Liverpool are not in the Champions League and fighting for the Premier League which is where they should be.”
Yeh well it disturbs me that you tried to eat Branislav Ivanovic.  He's massive.  Frank Lampard would have been a better choice because there is more of him and less of it is muscle.

Maybe if you hadn't gone around biting people and being a racist, Liverpool would be higher up the table.  I mean Suarez btw - not you reading this.  Unless you too have been going around biting Serbians and verbally abusing ethnic minorities, or indeed majorities, that you take exception to and this has resulted in you having an adverse effect on Liverpool's Premier League season.  However with new signings imminent, Liverpool are currently priced at 2/1 to finish in the top four next season, with or without Suarez.

Suarez is only going to be allowed to leave if Real also give Liverpool some presents like a new gameboy and Alvaro Morata, who is currently ripping it up in that Under 21s tournament that English media seems to have forgotten is on.  The most interesting thing about this point is that I bet you think I know who Alvaro Morata is.

Ribery and Benzema are in court

Two French football superstars are to appear in court faced with charges of soliciting an under age prostitute.  Delicious!

Zahia Dehar is now 21 (not 18) years old and is at the centre of the scandal which has brought charges against Madrid's Karim Benzema and gargoyle protector of Bayern Munich castle, Frank Ribery.

In the wonderful game of 'Guess Foo' as you can see in the above video, Jack and I learned about Ribery's previous shenanigans.  Both he and Benzema claim that they had no idea the prostitute in question was below legal age

And I mean I sort of understand why.  It's hard to tell with some girls but generally the rule is if you suspect you shouldn't be doing things with them, you shouldn't.  You know, just tell tale clues like if they are a prostitute, or you hire them with money for sex.  These are generally subtle ways of telling if you're with a prostitute.

I guess it's kinda awkward if you feel like you have to ask a girl, who you are clearly trying to bang, if she has any ID before you do it.  It sort of ruins the moment.  Like when you have to get up, find a condom, put it on and then get back to work which I guess is why we all just pretend that we've done it instead.  In an unrelated story, I keep getting letters from Brazil for 'child support payments'.  The jokes on them though because I don't even have any children.

Or I can't read.

Whichever is more believable

Barcelona want Torres

Barcelona have decided that they want to buy Fernando Torres for some reason, but apparently it's only to keep him on the bench just incase.

The Chelsea striker has been warned by Jose Mourinho that he has to 'be better' and with Barca looking to increase their attacking options in the form of actual strikers instead of 'false 9s', the Spaniard may be just the man they need.  The Catalan club believe that Torres could supply about 20/25 goals a season from the bench, but whatever happens at least he'd be there.  Like how Jools Holland gets some of those 'world music' acts on.  You can pretend all you want that you actually like it, and at least they're there instead of Keane, but you'd still rather it was Radiohead.  Or something.  I mean even Muddy Waters would contribute at least 8 goals from midfield a year

Liverpool want another consonant please, Carol

Liverpool are hoping to complete the signing of Henrikh Mkhitaryan from Shakhtar Donetsk in the next couple of days for about £22million.  I have no idea where to even start trying to pronounce that

The Armenian is an attacking midfielder and was named in UEFA's top 100 footballers a couple of seasons ago so that probably means he's good.  He's also apparently worth about £25million so that also makes me think he must be good but you have to consider that this is Liverpool we're talking about.  I could offer them some of my crisps and they'd fax through an £8million offer staggered over 36 months

Hearts have no money

Edinburgh club Hearts have announced that they are about to go into administration because they have no money and owe lots of it.  To their owner.  

Remember the good old days when Neil McCann played for Hearts?  These were the pre-Romanov days.  His Lithuanian based bank is completely broke and facing insolvency, which unfortunately means that he can't really afford to run a football club anymore and they owe him some cash.  It's like when you buy your friend a pint and he doesn't buy one back, except it's not at all and you owe me a pint you cunt.

Tahiti score a goal

A country I had never heard of before the Confederations Cup scored a goal against Nigeria last night and they deservedly celebrated it quite a lot.

The tiny South Pacific island, with a population of 277,000, lost 6-1 to the African giants whose 160million people may have had a slight advantage.  As the eagles went three goals up most of Twitter became worried that this game could be the first time they'd seen an international game drift into double figures, but those people hadn't counted on the power of Tahiti!

In the 54th minute, the oldest of three brothers and cousins in the starting 11, Tehau, rose above Efe Ambrose to score a header from a corner.  The team went absolutely mad, the president suspended a cabinet meeting and the manager says he cried.


Joe Kinnear is insane


Soooooo..... it turns out that Joe Kinnear might literally be mental.  Newcastle haven't actually officially confirmed his appointment in any way at all but he's been phoning Sky Sports and Talk Sport to tell them all about his new job, that doesn't exist.  This is hilarious.

Honestly this is my new favourite story ever.  The man actually might need to be sectioned, but before it turns out he needs professional medical help let's continue to find it funny.  In a 15 minute interview, described by journalists as 'shambolic', the 66 year old mispronounced almost every single player's name wrong, suggested that Derek Llambias had been fired and was just generally very strange.  This is what the BBC wrote about his interview:
  • Refused to accept criticism of his credentials, saying he could "open the door to any manager in the world".
  • Said he wasn't a threat to manager Alan Pardew.
  • Said he had won three manager of the year awards, when he actually won one at Wimbledon in 1994.
  • Incorrectly said he had signed goalkeeper Tim Krul, who wasbrought to the club by Graeme Souness in 2005 .
  • Mispronounced several players' names, including calling Newcastle managing director Derek Llambias "Lambazi", Yohan Cabaye "Yohan Cabab" and Shola Ameobi "Shola Amamobi".
His wikipedia says he won the LMA award 3 times (94, 95 and 97), but this isn't true because two completely different people won it in 95 and 97.  Either this guy can't remember what ward he's supposed to be in, or he's been changing his own wikipedia and is trying to pull off the most elaborate hoax in football history.

The other theory behind this madness is that Mike Ashley wants to get rid of Alan Pardew without firing him and having to pay off an 8 year contract.  I guess hiring Joe Kinnear is one way to do it, but I can't help but be reminded of that time in Friends that Phoebe bought Joey a tarantula and a drum kit to make Rachel move out.  Ashley is a very successful businessman, I suspect he might have some better ideas than this.
"I heard a silly comment of 'what can I attract?'. I can open the door to any manager in the world, anyone, that's the difference. I've spent my whole life talking to Alex Ferguson, week in, week out.
"I can pick the phone up at any time of the day and speak to [Arsenal manager] Arsene Wenger, any manager in the league. In all the divisions.
This is like when a child at school assures that he went on a trip to the moon this weekend or that he owns the ghostbusters hq toy and then he convinces himself that he actually does and has no choice but to live out the lie.

There are rumours now that Newcastle have scheduled a press conference for today either to formally announce the appointment, or dismiss it completely.  If this is a real thing, if Joe Kinnear is reeeeeally coming back to be Director of Football, I'm going to die laughing.


Monday, 17 June 2013

Spain are football

Spain beat Uruguay yesterday by playing a version of football that should only have been available to developers and beta testers.  It was nice.

Despite only winning 2-1, Spain were the equivalent of a piggy in the middle game with one person hopelessly chasing the ball around the pitch.  In the first half of the Confederations Cup group game I'm pretty sure possession was about 92% to 8% in Spain's favour and none of the opposition players had a clue what to do.  Like when you play 5 a side against people who don't understand that you can pass the ball the backwards, Uruguay's only solution to the onslaught was 'FUCKING HOOF IT' but lacking the practice that teams like Celtic displayed in the Champions League against similar tiki taka sides, they couldn't even do that.

Luis Suarez managed to refrain from eating anyone but it's surely only a matter of time before he shits himself in the middle of the pitch because he's so frustrated.  If only there were another way to express your anger without physically assaulting someone else, we would all be spared, but instead we await the ticking time bomb.

Cavani was shite

PSG really want AVB

In an acronym explosion, PSG have stepped up 'the heat' to lure AVB to France to be their new manager.  Wait, that should be 'turned up' the heat.  Can you step up heat?

PSG recently parted ways with Carlo Ancelotti and want to spend big to keep up their momentum as one of the richest clubs in the world.  The current Spurs manager is a wanted man after his exploits with Porto and last season's near miss shot at Champions League football for the North London club but implied that he wanted to stay in his current role for another season.  And when I say 'wanted man' I mean as in he is popular, not that he is wanted for arrest or by bounty hunters.  I really have no idea what it is my Uncle did last winter so I wish newspapers would stop phoning me to ask.  There's not even a reward

Mourinho turned down Man United

Jose Mourinho has claimed that he turned down the Manchester United manager position because he loves Chelsea sooo much.  WHY DON'T YOU MARRY IT JOSE HAR HA RH ARH HARHR

Sir Alex Ferguson and The Special One are BFFs and Jose claims that he knew about the legendary Scot's retirement plans months ago but that he didn't care.
I knew that Ferguson was retiring many months ago.  I would have turned down every job in the world - the Manchester United job, every one - for Chelsea
It kind of reminds me of when you get back with an ex-girlfriend post break up because you think 'oh actually I was just being stupid then, this is definitely the girl for me' and then you hang out a few times and after banging her becomes routine and you end up just sitting watching films that you hate again, one night you accidentally bump into a girl you used to know who is now incredibly hot, and recently single and flirty, and so you lie to yourself that your current gf is the one for you and that you don't find any other girls attractive.  But you definitely do.

And that is love, my friends.

Joe Kinnear is the Newcastle Director of Football

In hilarious news, Newcastle have hired heart attack veteran Joe Kinnear as their new Director of Football.  Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha  hahahaha ha ha. A ahahahahah ah aa hah ah ah a ha hah. but seriously... this is a joke right?  :scared:

No! It's real.  I'm pretty sure Newcastle is pretty much living out the literal plot to Chaplin's 'City Lights' at this moment.  I can't come up with any other explanation.  The movie plot is something like this:

Kinnear wakes up in bins and on park benches until Mike Ashley, the drunk millionaire, befriends him on the streets of London.  After finding his new best mate, the two go back to Mike's house and share some brandy.  Joe can't believe his luck!  Finally his life on the streets has been completely changed by an eccentric and terribly friendly man - oh what joy!  After listening to LCD Soundsystem for an hour, Mike even offered Joe a job as director of something or other and they celebrated through the night.  Among clinking glasses and cheers at discoveries of things in common, both men toasted to their future together and the adventures they would share.  Cheers!

Joe awoke the next morning happier than he has been in years.  A smile from ear to ear.

Mike Ashley woke up in all of his clothes, including shoes, with a vague recollection of meeting a magic womble outside the national history museum.

Meanwhile, Alan Pardew sits alone in a hotel bar drinking whisky and contemplating whether or not he should run away, very far, very fast or pretend to have a stroke.

Neymar is good

The Confederations Cup is finally here!  Football at last!  I'm back from that wedding I was at!  Let's discuss soccer now.  I really don't understand why so many people still think Neymar isn't amazing

Every time I talk to someone about Neymar they're always like "oh he's sooooo over rated" but he's not.  He's like 21 or something, has about 23 goals for Brazil and has taken Santos to their most successful run since Pele.  Neymar has won three state championships, all the domestic cups and that other one that's like the Champions League except in South America and far more violent.  Pele can't even get an erection.

Sure, Brazilian football might not be quite as difficult as La Liga but have you ever even watched Brazilian football?  Me neither.  I did watch Brazil destroy Japan 3-0 though.

On the highlights on the BBC website.


My point is that Neymar scord a cool volley. 


Sunday, 16 June 2013

Rupert Murdoch wants to own football

IT'S BEGUN! Super rich Rupert Murdoch has announced plans to hold a summer tournament for Europe's top clubs, because Sky rule the world.

His idea is to get 16 of Europe's top clubs and make them play in a competition during the summer when they would usually be playing pre-season friendlies. The tournament will be global with teams playing games in LA, Shanghai and wherever else will pay top dollar. Basically the Champions League condensed and with its soul ripped out.

I think we should just get rid of all the teams in the world, except the good ones. I mean what's the point in all these teams like Huddersfield or Raith Rovers really? My local team is Aberdeen and unfortunately I will support them until I die, does anyone in China give a shit about Aberdeen? Most people in Aberdeen don't give a shit about Aberdeen. We will all just support Real Madrid or Bayern Munich and the 16 best teams will play each other six times a season -that's Rupert Murdoch's dream.

In fact, what's the point of having a league? We could just have like 100 cups throughout the season playing games in a different city every night, with celebrity referees and special guest appearances on the pitch. Imagine Rooney being subbed for Bruce Willis or Samuel L Jackson sending off Ronaldo? Get rid of goal posts and use lasers instead. The possibilities are endless if you sign up with Sky and all this for just £21 per month.

Somebody Steals Man City's Transfer Shortlist

Unless you're wanting to make up transfer stories or talk about Ronaldo being half-naked on a boat, there's not really anything happening in football just now. One story that interested me was the news that Man City's super-secret scouting list has been stolen by a Premier League rival. But who did it!

I imagine that Man City use the FM Genie Scout cheat program? Apparently Man City put a lot of time, money and effort into their scouting. Which is why they have bought players like Fernandinho and Jesus Navas this summer. They must have looked real long and hard to find those two chaps, and what a bargain at £30m and £24m respectively. I've honestly never heard of them, I'm assuming they are like 17?

They use the "Scout7" performance analysis system to detail all the players they have ever looked at, and someone has hacked into their account. So far we have no clues, but Man City will find the culprit! It's almost certainly some 14 year-old nerd who's got nothing better to do. When they find out who did it, the hacker will be forced to bend over and take a ball off the arse from Yaya Toure. Many believe this to be excessive and have asked if Scott Sinclair could kick the ball instead. That's if he can actually remember what a football looks like, or even what his name is.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

Lionel Messi loves paying tax

Lionel Messi and his Dad are being investigated for tax fraud. How wonderful

The best player in the world ever earns quite a lot of money at the moment, but is being investigated for not paying £3.4million of tax between 2007 and 2009. It has something to do with selling his image rights through companies in Belize, wherever the hell that is, and because of various laws I can't really comment on how incredibly unlikely this is, but let's just say that Barcelona, Argentinian media and Messi himself are a bit surprised. The hormone loving forward said on his Facebook:
We have never committed any infringement. We have always fulfilled all our tax obligations, following the advices of our tax consultants who will take care of clarifying this situation."
The fact that Messi probably has a team of accountants who deal with this may become relevant at some point because I doubt Messi actually sits down and does his taxes himself. That would be like moaning at me for you getting food poisoning from the delicious chicken sandwich I made.

 Ummmm it's supposed to be pink? You think they'd put stuff you're supposed to cook out?  This isn't the 80s anymore you know.  it's illegal for Tesco to sell raw meat - don't you know anything? It's even more illegal for them to put it in a bin round the back of the shop so chill out. Did I say Tesco? I mean the post office. They're basically the same thing, I really wouldn't worry.

Swansea hate Michael Laudrup's agent

Danish sex champion, Michael Laudrup, has had his future at Swansea City dipped into uncertainty after the club cut all ties with his agent.

Bayram Tutumlu is the man at the centre of the controversy and it is rumoured that his attempts to 'dictate transfers' at the club is what has made them tell him to fuck off. In particular, Tutumlu wants to sell Ashley Williams for some reason and the chairman etc don't because then they won't have any good defenders.

 Laudrup has known his agent since he used to play at Barcelona and they are best friends forever so Swans fans are worried that this latest exchange may prompt the manager to go somewhere relevant, like anywhere else. Luckily for them he once said that he would "probably like to stay for another season I guess. Whatever".

It's commitment like this that keeps the ladies clinging on to his every word. Treat them mean, keep them keen. It really works, but don't read it into it too literally. If you translate that as 'lock them in a rape basement for 10 years' you need to reassess.

Man City's cat is dead

There were sad scenes at Man City's training ground a couple of days ago as their official pet cat died, leaving behind only a mangled sparrow and mortgage he could never really afford.

Named Wimblydon, after a former fitness coach failed to pronounce Wimbledon properly, the cat was a beloved figure at the club. He had seen the bad times, the good times and the Mark Hughes times and even now, as his skeleton degrades and becomes part of the earth he once roamed, he's still more valuable than Roque Santa Cruz

Let's all celebrate his memory by watching piano cat

Javier Mascherano hates being wet

Argentina midfielder Javier Mascherano was being innocently stretchered off the pitch the other day when a medic horrifically and inhumanely got some water on him. Mascherano took the only appropriate action he could and kicked him.

Despite looking like a goomba, Mascherano has forged a reputation as a feisty player and this incident did nothing to dent that. Upon being splashed with water, Mascherano saw red and lashed out at the medic carrying him which led to him then literally seeing red as he was sent off by the referee.

His team mates weren't especially pleased and started a sort of ruckus, as is customary in South American football. Not having a 20 man brawl at one of those games would be like having a barbecue and not fingering your cousin I mean having burgers.

Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Liverpool don't 'get' the internet

For a professional football club, the internet is pretty important if you want to sustain a global presence and interact with your fans.  That's why it's important you don't copy wacky football blogs when you're a legitimate business with many years of history

In a poorly received article entitled '5 things Philippe Coutinho can do now he's 21' Liverpool FC do various photoshops to 'hilariously' suggest what Coutinho can do now he's of legal age to do them, like fly a plane, drive a bus or even fist a prostitute.  They didn't actually say that last one, although I'm pretty sure that's real.  Maybe it's 18 actually.  Ha, don't the years just fly by?

Wait.... this is the kind of stuff that i do?  It's not, right?  :scared: #parodyofmyself