John Terry successfully pretended he had been wearing a Chelsea strip all evening and lifted whatever the fuck the UEFA cup is called now. Nigel. It's called Nigel
The Chelsea Lions scored two goals in this evening's fixture against Benfica, which is exactly one more goal than the Portuguese outfit managed. This difference in goals is what helped Frank Lampard and friends win a trophy that, all joking aside, is about as important as the actual Eurovision Song Contest. Last year they became Champions of Europe, this year they brushed off a rendition of My Lovely Horse, although speaking about horses, Fernando Torres was actually really good and this confused me.
Benfica coach Jorge Jesus looks like you'd meet him on holiday somewhere and before you know it he's shagging you over the kitchen counter, combing his hair back with one hand and saluting himself in a mirror with the other. Then he finishes and just puts his trousers back on, before telling you to make him a steak because he's hungry now. I'm horny just thinking about it.