OH my god I realised last night that I haven't written since Wednesday so sorry about that. In my defence I have been very, very drunk. Not as drunk as Bayern Munich fans on Saturday though I bet, because their team won the Champions League. Yaaaaaay
I was playing a gig at a wedding so I didn't actually see the game but since I am so good at football writing I will explain accurately what happened. Bayern Munich played really, really well and scored two goals, which was one more than Dortmund managed to score even though Dortmund tried really, really hard. Jurgen Klopp looked bad ass and was moon walking along the touch line, Arjen Robben probably passed the ball about 3 times when he saw himself on the video screens and everyone wondered why they started Mandzukic and not Gomez when Gomez is rated way higher in FIFA.
Then a giant skeleton walked on to the pitch amid a ball of light and pointed at Mario Gotze, before saying "HAVE YOU SEEN THE KEYS TO THE SHED?" and Mario said "I think I left them on the kitchen table" and then the skeleton said "WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A SHED" and that was the twist.
Every cup final needs a twist. Twist and Shout. OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH
Do you remember those twist and squeeze juice things?
I can't remember if they were nice or not. If a girl ever offers you a twist and squeeze you should take it though
And that, friends, is what you've been missing since Wednesday