Monday, 22 April 2013

Luis Suarez bites people now

Insane racist Luis Suarez tried to eat Branislav Ivanovic yesterday afternoon during a game of football.  In other news, I think I might actually be dying from a hangover, so let's see how this goes


The Liverpool forward was running with the ball when Chelsea's giant defender took it off him.  This enraged Suarez and he did what anyone would do in that situation and bit him.  WTF


You can almost see the moment in his eyes when he snaps and decides that the only possible way to express his anger is by chomping someone.  Maybe this is just how his species grows, like a zombie or vampire or whichever of those creatures it is that does that.  Now Ivanovic will carry the spawn of Luis Suarez until he's having some pre-match pasta one day and it bursts through his chest and runs off down the table.


I mean... this guy is a grown adult... but it gets even better because he's actually done it before while playing for Ajax


The referee didn't seem to believe Ivanovic when he told him what had happened and why would you?  People don't normally bite other people unless they're really hungry or it's a cartoon.  Suarez said this:
"I've spoken to Ivanovic on the phone so I could apologise directly to him," 
"For my unacceptable behaviour the club has fined me.
"I have asked the club to donate the money to the Hillsborough Family Support Group for the inconvenience I have created to the Liverpool fans and to Ivanovic."
Liverpool have said that they won't sell him because of the incident, even though he's definitely going to be banned for the rest of the season now.  That'll teach him to not bite defenders!  A lengthy ban will fix his mental problems.  If he was a dog he would actually be getting put down about now but apparently it's still illegal to euthanise humans in this country.  Damn you the government!

I also learned today that you shouldn't put food from a takeaway in the oven while it's in its plastic box, because the plastic melts and it makes you feel like you're dying.  If any of you are doctors, please feel free to tell me whether I should seek medical advice in the comments below.  If you don't, maybe Luis Suarez will come round your house and fucking bite you, because he does that now.  Jesus Christ