Wednesday, 10 April 2013

5 Reasons Why I Hope Stoke Get Relegated

The Premier League is starting to get nice and interesting at the Champions League and Relegation Cup ends and this year, finally, Stoke are involved.  It's so sexy.  Here's a list of reasons for why I want Stoke to be relegated

1.  They play terrible football

If they aren't busy trying to injure someone they're busy playing the most boring football you can ever imagine.  I've seen more imaginative tactics in darts, and as we all know, darts is the most awful sport ever invented.  Christ, for about five seasons the only way they could score was if Rory Delap power hurled a ball the length of the pitch for some overweight thug to headbutt it in the goal.  Half the time I'm pretty sure they're not even trying to put the ball in the goal, they just really want to kick something very hard all of the time.

It's the equivalent of like in Formula One, rather than spending years making a slightly faster, or slightly better handling car, you bring one made of solid metal and ram the other cars off into the crowd, like a real life Carmageddon.  While wearing a tracksuit.

2.  I can't name a single right back they've ever had

Seriously I can't even think of one.  I'm not going to Google it because I've been trying to answer it in my own head for so long.  Dean Whitehead?  Is he a defender?  Jesus Christ I don't care

3.  They ruin football

Shawcross features in 'Carlos Tevez saves Xmas'

You know when you go to play 5 a side and you want a good, quick passing game and know that you can try little tricks and movement is key, but then there's this one fat guy, who is bald, and he runs the length of the pitch to slide tackle you into the wall if you happen to go past him?  I hate that guy.  If you offered me free tickets to see Stoke play anyone I wouldn't go.  If I wanted to watch muscly dudes try and aggressively fuck each other I'd watch UFC.  If I want to watch football I'll go somewhere else.

4.  Tony Pulis wears a suit before the game, a tracksuit during it, showers with the players and then puts on a suit again

By the way, why is it a thing that it's just totally normal to have to stand with your knob out to urinate next to other random guys with their knobs out? And for that matter why is it the more manly thing to just brave it up and pretend that you aren't emphatically aware that you're standing next to a bunch of men just holding their dicks out?  Why is this the social norm?  "Oh there's nothing gay about just standing with your penis out next to someone else in a bathroom".  Why does Tony Pulis get in the shower with the players?  This is an actual quote from somewhere

Tony Pulis was involved in a row with James Beattie in the dressing room after yesterday's defeat at Arsenal which is understood to have led to the Stoke City manager and former England striker exchanging blows before a member of the Premier League club's backroom staff intervened. 
Pulis, was nude.
So he just goes around naked beating up people?  I told you, when I want to watch naked men wrestle each other I just watch UFC or phone my Dad.

5.  They are terrible at transfers

Since 2008, Stoke are the third biggest spenders in the Premier League behind Man City and Chelsea, having jizzed £80million on absolute shite like Wilson Palacios and Kenwyne Jones.  There's not one player they've signed other than Begovic who has any re-sale value at all.  Peter Crouch will be retired to a garden shed, Robert Huth will be sent to space jail at some point when he beheads someone during a corner, and I just don't care about anyone else.  Normally there's at least one player in a team who you kinda like, but not Stoke

I mean £80million is a lot of money, you'd expect to get something other than medical bills from other clubs back for that.  Then again, how appealing do you think it is for a player to be offered the chance to live somewhere like Stoke?  And how much worse does it get when the manager turns up for the contract negotiations naked?  Except for his baseball cap.

So yeh that's why I want them to get relegated.  But of course I am completely neutral and hope all of the teams have a great competition for the rest of the season.  Good luck everyone except Reading because you really are goosed.