Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Rangers and Celtic U17s are friendly

Just when you were delighted that Rangers had finally gone away to live in a bin, their hordes of ungodly demons descended upon a U17s Cup Final and let off smoke bombs. Celtic fans did too.

Both sets of fans idiots helped delay the Cup Final to allow smoke to clear for the pitch and then later police got to arrest three people outside for assault.  6000 people attended the game, which let me remind you, was an under 17s game.  It really doesn't mean anything at all.  This is like attacking rival parents at your child's school play because you really prefer the musicals of Rodgers and Hammerstein to Andrew Lloyd-Webber.  Either way, you're still a dick.

The Chelsea physio is hot

Chelsea have a secret weapon in their pursuit of third place this season but I don't care about that because here's their hot physio

The F365 forum found this recent picture of the physio's delicious behind features but let's indulge ourselves further because it's Tuesday and because tits.

I can only imagine that Chelsea players are genuinely a bit frightened of requiring medical attention on the pitch because the inevitable boner that would follow her hands massaging your inner thighs is going to be quite embarrassing when you're standing in front of thousands of people.  Then again maybe you're into that kind of thing.  All I know is that unwanted public boners are one of the 'weaknesses' you shouldn't mention in a job interview.  I really thought I could have been a good teacher too :-(

Alan Pardeux is in trouble

Alan Pardew's great acheivements of last year have been somewhat tarnished by the fact that he doesn't appear to know what he's really doing this season.  At least he has until 2020 to get it fixed.  UNLESS THEY GET RELEGATED

The goals of Cisse might prove enough to keep the Toon army in the Premier League this season, but with Coloccini's absence seemingly the defensive equivalent to not having a roof installed on your house and Cabaye not being arsed at all, the team have really struggled.  Where last season Pardew hailed the team spirit as the main reason for their over performance, the sudden introduction of most of France to Newcastle has apparently spawned the dreaded C word.............  Clique.

Not cunt.

The Telegraph seems to think he's doomed regardless:
To have any chance of keeping his job, Pardew must start to put things right against West Ham this weekend and finish the campaign strongly with a united squad behind him, although even that may not be enough to save him beyond the end of the season.
There's absolutely no way that defence is going to handle Andy Carroll unless it turns out he's actually a secret agent on Newcastle's side the whole time.  This plan will fail when Sam Allardyce reveals to Carroll that he doesn't mind if he's having a poor game, because his ideas for a new housing development are enough to keep the club going for years

I still really wish Stoke would get relegated.  Go away.  I thought I deleted your number from my phone

Joey Barton is critical

Joey Barton might be a spanner of a human being but occasionally he's good entertainment when he gets the chance to talk, like on Twitter, which he's on all of the time.  Now he's been having a go at QPR

The current Marseille midfielder is still technically contracted to the relegated London club but he doesn't really care because they suck.
"I can't believe QPR have just been relegated and [Jose] Bosingwa was walking down the tunnel laughing!"
It's tough to admit but he's actually right.  Jose Bosingwa is that guy who turns up to your party with no booze and then drinks the nice whisky you have left and adds your girlfriend on Facebook the next day.  Barton is the guy at the party who beats you up outside McDonalds

Here's some more stuff he said that is on the money:
"Believe it or not I am actually gutted for QPR - I reckon more than some of the current playing squad.
"If the media want to slag me off for saying players shouldn't laugh after they've been relegated, so be it. If I worked all week and paid to watch my team and I'd seen that. I'd be fuming.
"I don't care what level you play at. That's wrong."
Barton wants to stay on loan in France because why on earth would he want to play in the Championship?  It's not even his fault they're there.  QPR played the transfer market like a rich kid plays FUT - instead of actually winning games and using the prize money to buy his favourite players he just stuck Daddy's credit card details in to the Playstation Network and bought players that had one of those training boosts applied to them, but when they play that one game after their big pay day they go back to being bad.

If you don't know what the fuck I'm talking about that's an example.  My advice instead is just to be 27 and that way you can put your card details in so that you can buy Ronaldo.  Take that 12 year olds!

 QPR face a struggle now to get rid of all their nonsense.  Whether you keep players like Bosingwa or not is the equivalent of deciding whether you actually want to keep that chest freezer you bought because it's £30 you might make, but can you really be arsed trying to sell it.  Bosingwa can't even make beer cold so I'd rather have the freezer I think.  Was that the choice?  I'm confused

Edin Dzeko is going somewhere, mysterious

Manchester City striker Edin Dzeko left a clue as to what he's going to do football wise next season by tweeting that he's left.  Almost 1 million % to Germany

The Bosnian tweeted that picture and the message:
OtiĊĦO sam!
Which translates as "I've gone".  Because he put a picture of a plane up I have deduced that this might mean he was getting on a plane and since all of the newspapers agree that he's moving to Borussia Dortmund this is now science.  But not fake science sort of like how my friend tried to tell me that humans evolved from apes.  Sure thing mate.  Have you ever seen a picture of God that looks like a monkey?  Exactly.  Idiot

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Phil Brown Recruits Jeremy Kyle

I would hate to play for Southend. They probably thought things couldn't get any worse, having to come in and work for Phil Brown every day. Then on their last game of the season, they show up to play and find Jeremy Kyle in the dressing room - it's that stuff that nightmares are made of.

Phil Brown decided that nobody could get the message through to the players quite like big Jezza. Apparently Phil Brown and Jeremy Kyle are good friends - they are also the answer to "the two people you would least like to have a pint with?". Jeremy is normally utilised for shouting at 17 year-olds who live on the dole, smoke an ounce a day and have ten children. 

I'm not sure I could take a telling from Jeremy Kyle, he is perhaps the smarmiest and most smug human being on the planet - after Phil Brown.  I bet he spends at least one hour a day sitting in a small room without windows, watching reruns of his show whilst smelling his own farts. 

Whatever he said obviously didn't work as Southend lost 1-0. Jeremy has sent all the players to go and see his super counsellor super-hero friend Graham to try and work on being less shit. 

Gareth Bale Wins All The Awards

In case you didn't know, Gareth Bale is good at football. He has now officially been named the best soccer ball kicker in the England Premier Division Select. He does look a little bit like one of those creatures from Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet! You maniacs, you blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

GB11 as he's probably going to be known as soon, has just won both the PFA Player of the Year and the PFA Young Player of the Year. He becomes only the third man in history to win both in the same year. Previously it was Cristiano Ronaldo, a man who has gone on to become the 2nd best player in the world. The other is Andy Gray, a man who got fired from Sky for sexist comments and created a unique question and answer commentating style. "Richard said, "go on Andy, fuck up your career and say something about female officials" and I said, "you know what Richard, I will - TITS!".

It could be argued that Suarez would probably have won, had he not decided to try and eat Ivanovic, but there is no argument that Bale has turned into an absolute monster this season. Tottenham without Bale, is like Mock the Week without Frankie Boyle - you're left with that useless bald cunt and it's all a bit shit.

Cristiano Ronaldo hates The Sun

When The Sun isn't busy hacking your phone or printing pictures of tits, it's trying to publish celebrity scandals regardless of what percentage of the story they can prove is real.  Detective Ronaldo is on the case

I don't really understand the story but I think this is supposed to show that The Sun is going to print a story about him talking to a mysterious girl called Andressa in a sexy way.  Distracting side stories to this are that Ronaldo doesn't know who she is, whether she exists at all and also that he was giving an interview to another reporter at the time the phone calls were supposed to have happened.

I think somehow Twitter is related too which just goes to show that you should never listen to anything that a girl on the internet tells you because it's a scam designed to make you constantly spend all of your money to make a girl have sex with you, or a fake ad that takes you to some cinema site where you have to watch terrible movies and make you not have any fun.  And in that way it's actually a lot like girls in real life really.

Steven Taylor is dramatic

Shooter McGavin loves playing for Newcastle but not when they get absolutely Pardewed by Liverpool 6-0.  He feels like his family is dead

The defender has to put up with a bunch of French guys who haven't started trying yet, and was clearly very frustrated as his side suffered their worst home defeat since 1925, which was when T Rex ruled the world.  He said
"It's a sick feeling. At this moment in time, it feels like a family member has died," the 27-year-old said.
"In the dressing room, looking around, everyone was devastated and realised the situation we are in."
I'm not sure he's ever suffered a death in his immediate family if he equates a 6-0 loss the same as that, but maybe he just takes his job really seriously and has no real life outside of it.  The last time I felt like a family member had died was the last time a family member actually died, and that's even though Aberdeen didn't make the top six this year.  In fact I don't think I even cried at all about it.  Some call me the stone man but really I'm just super brave.  Also modest

RVP went to the wrong dressing room

Robin van Persie left Arsenal so he could actually win some trophies and he's done that, so now he might finally be allowed to leap.  Also he got confused and went to the wrong dressing room

The probable golden boot winner returned to his former home and amongst all the usual 'oh hey guy that I used to see walking around the corridors' handshakes, he managed to try and get in the wrong dressing room.  You can watch it here

He sort of does that face when you trip over something and you hope no-one's seen but you know they have.  So you do a laugh to yourself and assume they think you're a cool guy because you handled it so well, except on this occasion there were tv cameras.

It reminds me that the other day at work I was standing talking to someone and there was this other guy sitting having his lunch watching It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on his laptop, which is cool cos that's like one of my favourite shows, but anyway he was wearing these big headphones so he was pretty disconnected to the world around him.  The episode finished, and I'm the only one who's watching what's on his screen cos I'm standing up talking to this other guy, everyone else is just eating their lunch too, and so he minimises the window and sitting there was a porn site pop-up, obviously from a previous browsing session that day.  Something like 'fuck sluts in your city TODAY!' and he sits up immediately and rushes to close this window down, but doing that just reveals an even worse one with tits everywhere and some girl opening her vagina up for you to inspect and he, clearly panicking but trying not to show it, just slams closed his laptop.  Then he sits back and chills like he was always going to do that anyway and sort of twiddles with his thumbs, safe in the knowledge that no-one saw.

But I saw.  And it was really funny.

QPR aRe Relegated (also Reading)

The football gods dished out some justice today as Reading were relegated for being shit and QPR for being terrible at cheating.

The money of some very rich people wasn't enough to keep QPR's hopes of remaining in the Premier League alive and Reading couldn't find a way past Rob Green, forcing an incredibly boring 0-0 draw today.  This relegated both teams and my response to this is 'good'.  I am pleased.

Reading are completely pointless, QPR couldn't even buy their way into the league and their squad is full of absolute cunts.  The guy Fernandes seems like a nice chap, and that dude Clint Hill seems like he'd be good for a pint, but if anyone else in that whole team turned up for a beer somewhere they'd all try and get out of buying rounds and ask if we could go somewhere else because they heard there's this place in town that has this new cocktail and it's totally trendy there, and then you go and it's full of people you never want to talk to.  Except for Jamie Mackie who's just running around the building chasing empty packets of crisps incase he wins a keyring from one of them

Friday, 26 April 2013

Chelsea want money for Mutu

Adrian Mutu was a pretty good player back in the day and he celebrated this by doing lots of drugs.  Unfortunately for Chelsea, this is bad and so they terminated his contract and he just.... started playing.... for someone else?  Wait, that doesn't seem right

A Swiss court ordered the Romanian striker to pay about £14million to Chelsea after his dismissal but he just hasn't done that, and apparently that's a thing now.  Chelsea originally signed him for £15million so they kinda didn't just want to lose all that money because he had a bit of cocaine, and that's why they're now planning to sue Juventus to get some of that delicious £££ back but for some reason Juve aren't really happy about that.

So to sum up, Adrian Mutu did lots of coke, got 7 months off work, didn't bother paying any of the fines he was supposed to and now someone else has to pay it instead of him.  What a champion.  Kids: Crime never pays!  Unless you're a footballer and then it pays really well.  Or if you're a drug dealer.  It also pays really well then.  I knew I should have studied drug dealing at Uni.  I've wasted my life!

Bastian Schweinsteiger's girlfriend is hot

Pep Guardiola has begun assembling his sexy house of football at Bayern Munich with the signing of Mario Gotze and no-one is safe!  Not even Arjen Robben who is on the transfer list, apparently

I just looked at that picture and flipped a table over with the strength of my boner.  Good old Bastian Schweinsteiger will be sticking around because he's very important but selfish balding Robben has been told he will shipping out.  Robben's a great player but the problem is that he knows it and so when presented with any number of opportunities to do anything other than shoot, he will always choose shoot.  He's like that guy in 5 a sides who

Oh my god i fucking hate websites that start playing press conference videos on their own.  No one in the world wants to watch that so why do YOU KEEP FUCKING POPPING UP

Uhhhhhhh baby

So anyway he's like that guy in 5 a sides who doesn't understand that you can pass the ball backwards and instead runs into the corner of the pitch like a fucking moth trying to escape through a closed window.  Even though the window is open next to it.  This is barely even an analogy, I'm describing almost literally his thought process while playing football.  He looks a bit like a moth too.

Bayern have also announced that they definitely totally don't have any sort of deal lined up with Dortmund for Lewandowski, but they did this at a press conference while giggling because he's definitely going.

So that's all my news about Bayern Munich today.  See you later

AVB wants to stay at Spurs

Now that Real Madrid are pretty fucked Champions League style, Jose Mourinho isn't especially popular and that's why he's going to leave.  The current favourite to replace him is my hero, Andre Villas-Boas

AVB is basically playing FM13 in real life with this current Spurs team, it looks pretty fun.  As long as GBale doesn't leave and he signs some of the superstar youth players like Cherno Samba winning the league will be a piece of piss in about three years.  And I would know this because sometimes when I play Champ Manager I don't get fired.

AVB is sacked rap

AVB is the Spurs manager rap

The Portuguese manager has admitted that he's flattered by interest from Real Madrid but that he's completely committed to his current role.  It's a bit like when you find out the hot girl at work wants to bang you but you have to stick with your girlfriend even though she's never going to win the league.  Also I'm really bored of her tits.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Brazil 2014: Loud Noises

The one thing that the World Cup in South Africa will always be remembered for is vuvuzelas, that isn't a good thing. Apparently someone in Brazil thought that the noise of crowds chanting isn't enough and decided to follow South Africa's lead. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, children of all ages - Brazil proudly brings to you, the caxirola! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

Why? Why are you doing this? Unlike the vuvuzela which has been used to annoy people for centuries, the caxirola has been designed specifically  to annoy me during the Brazil World Cup. A musician called Carlinhos Brown, who must be the Brazilian Chris Brown but with more dreadlocks and less girl-punching, has developed the instrument toy thing with the Brazilian minister of sports. 

The Brazilian President said - 
'It is an object that has the ability to do two things: to combine the image with sound and take us to our goals.'
What the fuck is she talking about? Take us to our goals? Is she being serious or is she actually trying to talk about football but went all Mum on us? "Ooh it's so much fun! You can rattle it and it makes a noise! I cannot wait for us to collect some goals!".

Next summer when I watch the World Cup from the safety of my living room, I don't want to see some Disney version of events. I don't want to see real Brazilian football fans priced out of the stands. I want to see the real deal, the real passion! i.e people shooting each other, fans rioting on the pitch and the police beating up everyone in sight with truncheons.

Neil Lennon is angry, again

Neil Lennon is always pissed off, I'm not saying it's because he's quite short and ginger, but it might be. Today he's especially pissed off because no Celtic players were short-listed on the PFA Scotland Player of the Year.

Neil Lennon used words like "abysmal" and "unbelievable", in response to none of his players being nominated. The four players who received the most amounts of votes were Niall McGinn, Leigh Griffiths, Andrew Shinnie and Michael Higdon. I think that's fair enough really, considering they don't play for a team that should win every game 5-0. Apparently it's actually a conspiracy and everyone hates Celtic - that's only a half truth.
"There is a lot of ill will in the dressing room now. The players are very, very disappointed with the outcome. They have performed heroically."
Footballers are such a bunch of fannies. Winning Scotland Player of the Year is just below best sandwich at the made up FitbaThatba Awards. I do like the phrase "Ill will". It sounds like a rapper, like Will Smith if he signed for Death Row records and started singing songs about shooting people in the face, rather than lame shit like passing your exams and not becoming a drug dealer.

@rvp is not RVP hits the post

An IT consultant from India is annoyed that his Twitter experience has been somewhat ruined by a case of mistaken identity, as millions pay tribute to him for helping Man Utd win the league.  5 minutes of fame starts....... now

The real RVP is also the player that has hit the post the most times in the EPL this season, with a lovely total of 7 so far.  This video below is our wonderful tribute to his innate ability to hit the post but luckily for the Dutchman he's also good at scoring.

Speaking of scoring I don't know why this IT guy is complaining about people thinking he's Robin van Persie.  If he plays it correctly he will absolutely be able to get girls to send him pictures of their tits.  I mean, it's his own fault because he chose the Twitter handle @rvp and he even tells the BBC that he likes the striker as well so it's not like he didn't know about it.

If I had that sort of power I'd be in jail now.

And on that note girls, please send pictures of your tits to fitbathatba@gmail.com and you'll win an....uhhhh prize. True fact

You want Bournemouth to win

I am absolutely terrible at betting as I think we've established by now, but some people (like the guys from Online-Betting.me.uk) seem to be quite good at it.  This guy, for example, only needs Bournemouth to win the league to win £110,000

Now I would have failed this straight away because I thought Man City were going to win the league this year and because I also don't care about other divisions.  The only reason I know about Mansfield Town is because I want to have sex with the CEO, Cardiff because they have Craig Bellamy, I genuinely have no idea where Gillingham even is and the same goes for Bournemouth.  Except now I really want Bournemouth to win the league so that this guy wins lots of money and I don't even know him.  How nice am I?

For those of you who are also very nice, this is what the League One table looks like just now.  If anything it gives you a reason to support a new club this year and you'll sound very knowledgeable in the pub when someone talks about lower league football and blah blah blah.  You could even pretend it's you who has the bet so that you have lots more friends and then when you accidentally "lose" the winning bet slip, they'll buy you free beer.  It can't fail.

My past betting strategies have tended to include the very successful method of randomly ticking boxes, choosing the team that I've heard of or sometimes for fun I pick teams that I actually think will win.  This has a very low rate of success because it turns out I either know nothing about football, or am just terrible at betting.

In all fairness it's not really my job to predict football results, but it is Mark Lawrenson's because he is a 'football expert'.  He got less results right one weekend than Hulk Hogan.  So a guy whose only job is to know about football, actually knows less than someone whose job is to be a sexually deviant mental who rolls around on naked sweaty men in front of a televised audience.  My job is none of those things, but only slightly worse than Hulk Hogan's.

sad potato

So yeh that's why you want Bournemouth to win.  It's an inspiration to us all!

This video contains my real thoughts on betting adverts

Julio Cesar likes to dress inappropriately

Brazil keeper Julio Cesar is in trouble at the moment because he thought it would be a good idea to dress up as David Luiz at David Luiz's fancy dress party.  Then his wife put the picture on instagram and all hell broke loose

The QPR shot letter inner got the rest of his family to also dress up in Chelsea gear and this has enraged fans of his current club who don't seem to realise they probably have more important things to worry about just now.  Cesar said this:
“I would like to clarify that last night I attended David Luiz’s fancy dress birthday party and as a joke for my friend, my family and I dressed as him. 

“I want to assure everyone that absolutely no offence was intended.”
People are idiots.  If I had to rationalise every single fancy dress costume I've ever worn then the funerals would be really boring.  And who doesn't want Batman at their wedding?

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Mourinho and Falcao to Chelsea

Fresh out of the rumour oven is the news that Mourinho is heading back to Chelsea and his first signing will be Falcao. I hope this isn't true.

This has come from German newspaper Bild, not to be confused with the British Institute of Learning Difficulties. They are the same tabloid who broke the news that Gotze had signed for Bayern. Maybe tabloids in Germany have journalists that actually look to report real stories, and don't just make shit up or take pictures of slappers trying to become famous for having three-ways with Joleon Lescott and Martin Keown (I just made this up).

It's been reported that Mourinho agreed to resign for Chelsea back in February, I'm assuming Abramovic took him to Nandos for valentines day or something. Falcao's signature can be secured for a cool 60m Euros. That sounds expensive, but then you think that for 70m you could get two Andy Carrolls and then you realise that football is just mental.

Bratwurst and beer>>>>>>>>>Tapas and sangria

Take that Spain! I've nothing against Spain or Spanish people, but it's really funny to see Barcelona and then Real Madrid getting a good old-fashioned thrashing like my Dad used to give me. I wonder if they will cry like I did?

Mourinho probably felt like this was his year, because he always feels like it's his year. Germany said, fick dich! And powered home to a 4-0 win. All goals were scored by Robert Lewandowski who apparently is joining his goat friend at Bayern Munich, which is a little bit disgusting. If Lewandowski  and Gotye are both joining Bayern Munich this summer, they didn't let it affect their performance tonight - Goats setting up the first goal with a lovely cross. Things could get a bit awkward next season if Dortmund win the final. It would be like your new boss finding out you once had sex with his daughter, "that whole having sex with your daughter last year thing, we're still cool right?". Ronaldo scored for Real Madrid because he does that.

It would be wrong to count out Madrid just yet, remember Djimi Traore has a Champions League winner medal - thus making anything in football seem possible. The fact that the final is being held in Wembley also breathes hope into Barcelona and Real, the Germans historically struggle to make it across the English Channel.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Bayern destroy Barca

Well that was fun for everyone, except Barcelona fans of course. Bayern just put one big,  polished German, leather boot in the final, with a 4-0 victory over an injured Messi and his merry men.

Writing this on an iPad is really fucking annoying, I shall persevere. Pep Guardiola is definitely feeling all smug right now. Bayern were just too good, Messi was too injured and the Barcelona defence was too shit. I'm not sure what happened to Arjen Robben, he was passing to other people and even tackling, at one point I thought his hair might even grow back but that would be absurd.

I absolutely love Thomas Muller, not only does he supply me with delicious dairy snacks, which are both fun and filling, but he bloody loves the big occasion. Messi on this occasion, not so much - the man was clearly injured and it makes me wonder who made the decision to start him.
"Lionel are you fit?"
"No, not really to be honest - I can hardly move"
"That's great! We are going to play you wide right"
"No. I don't think you heard me correctly- I'm seriously injure..."
"Give 'em hell boy!" *slaps his arse and sends him on his way*

Barcelona need a minor miracle if they are to progress to the final. Either that or they pump Messi full of more steroids. I still can't believe that Chelsea defeated Bayern in the final last year, on penalties no less. The only explanation is that John Terrry made a deal with the devil.

"I will deliver the champions league to you, on one condition- you cannot play in the final"
"Can I still wear the full kit and collect a winners medal?"
"I mean, you'll look like an utter fud but why not, go nuts"

Luis Suarez offered anger management

Biting people is frowned upon in most public settings, be it a swimming pool, wedding ceremony or professional football game.  Luis Suarez might have an anger problem and so the FA have offered him some help

The Professional Footballer's Association has announced that he will be offered anger management counselling in a bid to stop him being such an enormous cunt.  This graphic of the new Luis Suarez PS3 controller misses the secret buttons on the back which allow him to score from 50 yards, instantly control a lofted pass and carry a below average Premier League team for an entire season because the ones you really want to see are on the front.  It's like when you watch Man on Wire and you think 'wow this guy is incredibly talented' but you actually want him to be racist and bite someone

Mario Gotze is going to Bayern

Because Bayern Munich aren't quite content with having a team good enough to go a whole season near undefeated, and now with the most coveted manager in world football in charge, they've decided to do an Old Firm, and buy all the other teams' best players.


The Borussia Dortmund player will sign for Bayern at the end of the season for £32million which makes him the most expensive German player ever and he'll probably just play in midfield somewhere and win the league.  If you thought the SPL was one sided, Bayern are currently 20 points ahead of BVB and have won the league with six games left - a new record.  My other favourite German record is

Hahaha ha aha ah a not really.  I'm not sure if that's even a real record.  It says it's produced by Jack White, but somehow I doubt that but I'm not going to research it because that, my friends, would take time and effort.

Man United and RVP win the EPL

Manchester United won the Premier League about three weeks ago but officially they won it last night when Robin van Persie beat Aston Villa on his own.  He scored a nice goal

He's done something similar before against Everton but it's still awesome to watch.  Rooney's pass is great on its own but then he kicks it goal side, top wise and kablah!  A goal.  This was his second of the match and his MOTM performance pretty much summed up United's season, in what is probably the worst of the Alex Ferguson teams to actually achieve anything.  With a team of triers supporting a robotic goal machine upfront, RVP just makes the difference really and that's why United won the title without barely even trying.

In other news, not one single player tried to bite anyone.  I was disappointed.

Monday, 22 April 2013

Shinji Kagawa and the best advert of all time

Shinji Kagawa is rumoured to ahead of Wayne Rooney in Alex Ferguson's current team selections according to some bullshit newspapers, but importantly, here's an advert where he gets a dog to header a ball in to the goal and a dolphin talks to him through telepathy.

I can't think of a time I've ever seen an advert and thought 'yeh I really don't think I could have written that myself' until now.  If this is what passes as an advert in Japan, well baby, I need to start learning Japanese.  Pronto.  I'm going to start my cultural journey by dressing up as a giant lizard and attacking some school girls

Romanian motorised wheelbarrow stretcher + guitar wifey

Romania is one of the most technologically advanced countries in the entire world as displayed here in a fifth division match between two teams whose names don't matter

I'm not sure if this guy really is injured or not but what I do know is that I want one of those wheelbarrows.  I am of course joking when I imply that Romania is backwards, and the crowds here all seem to enjoy a good laugh as physio drives on to the pitch on his ridiculous vehicle.  He still isn't my favourite Romanian though

'Guitar wifey' is a local celebrity all the way up here in Aberdeen, and she likes to entertain the residents of the city with her own style of guitar playing and singing.  The rest of her gang, or family as I think they're called, also line the streets of Aberdeen busking to earn a living, which would be fine if any of them knew how to play their instruments.  There's one dude who just rubs the bow over the strings of the violin and looks almost surprised that music comes out of it.  My hope is that one day a genie comes out and tells him to fuck off.

I was once busking at night, utterly shit faced (it's the only way you can handle the drunk assholes) and some guy comes up to me and says 'hey mate do you want to fucking move, you're taking all my business'

He was just sitting on the floor about 20 yards down the street.  He's not even homeless!  Here I am, playing songs I don't really like to people I borderline hate just because they throw money in my case and I can afford more beer, and you're pretending to be homeless and your 'talent' or idea to bring in revenue is to sit on the floor and look ugly?!!  No wonder you're homeless!

What was I talking about?  Oh yeh guitar wifey sucks

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is irresistible

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is one of the most sexiest people ever invented and that's why Nice defender Renato Civelli kissed him on the neck during a match this weekend.

Here's a couple of videos for you to get the full thing

I can totally understand why Civelli does it because it's not gay if it's with Zlatan.  It's also not gay as long as you don't use a condom and don't tell anyone about what's going on but now I think about it, my Uncle might possibly have just been raping me

Celtic win SPL, absolutely no-one cares

You may or may not be aware that Celtic won the SPL this weekend.  Yeh I don't care either

I'm not even exaggerating when I say that there was absolutely no point to Celtic even being in the competition because it wasn't a competition.  Celtic vs the other teams in the division is like if Stone Cold Steve Austin tried to have a fight with The Rock, but The Rock is inside a giant robot with lazers and missiles, inside a gigantic spaceship that is firing lazers at him, listening to the new Daft Punk record before anyone else.

Winning that trophy must have felt about as rewarding as when you put £1 in a vending machine, push the button for a Twix and then you win a Twix

Congratulations you shower of cunts

Luis Suarez bites people now

Insane racist Luis Suarez tried to eat Branislav Ivanovic yesterday afternoon during a game of football.  In other news, I think I might actually be dying from a hangover, so let's see how this goes

The Liverpool forward was running with the ball when Chelsea's giant defender took it off him.  This enraged Suarez and he did what anyone would do in that situation and bit him.  WTF

You can almost see the moment in his eyes when he snaps and decides that the only possible way to express his anger is by chomping someone.  Maybe this is just how his species grows, like a zombie or vampire or whichever of those creatures it is that does that.  Now Ivanovic will carry the spawn of Luis Suarez until he's having some pre-match pasta one day and it bursts through his chest and runs off down the table.

I mean... this guy is a grown adult... but it gets even better because he's actually done it before while playing for Ajax

The referee didn't seem to believe Ivanovic when he told him what had happened and why would you?  People don't normally bite other people unless they're really hungry or it's a cartoon.  Suarez said this:
"I've spoken to Ivanovic on the phone so I could apologise directly to him," 
"For my unacceptable behaviour the club has fined me.
"I have asked the club to donate the money to the Hillsborough Family Support Group for the inconvenience I have created to the Liverpool fans and to Ivanovic."
Liverpool have said that they won't sell him because of the incident, even though he's definitely going to be banned for the rest of the season now.  That'll teach him to not bite defenders!  A lengthy ban will fix his mental problems.  If he was a dog he would actually be getting put down about now but apparently it's still illegal to euthanise humans in this country.  Damn you the government!

I also learned today that you shouldn't put food from a takeaway in the oven while it's in its plastic box, because the plastic melts and it makes you feel like you're dying.  If any of you are doctors, please feel free to tell me whether I should seek medical advice in the comments below.  If you don't, maybe Luis Suarez will come round your house and fucking bite you, because he does that now.  Jesus Christ

Saturday, 20 April 2013

Jay Bothroyd is a bellend

A lot our readers are youngsters and most likely virgins. If you ever wondered what an actual vagina looks like, wonder no more.

That kids, is a massive vagina. Jay Bothroyd showed off his new tattoo on Instagram, because GUN$ R well K00l. A hand gun, a grenade, a flick-knife and some form of automatic weapon. The closest Jay has got to any of these is on Call of Duty. I dread to see his "hate" tattoo, he will probably just carve it with a stanley knife and then get Charles Bronson to shit in the open cuts, that's how gangster he is.

What an incredibly stupid thing to do and what an awful example to set for the youf of today. Most teenagers these days are arseholes, they actually idolise people like Bothroyd, so he probably shouldn't be promoting guns, hand-grenades, knife crime and machine guns. Apparently I'm the stupid one and I just don't get the message he is putting out there. I'm just not feeling him man, you get me? This is what Jay said about his tattoo -
'The meaning is you have to fight for love. It reads 'Love' if some people can't see. More than anything it's artistic.
What a cunt.

QPR on the brink

QPR took one step closer to relegation today, thanks to a 2-0 defeat at home to Stoke. They are really terrible.

Harry Redknapp is incredibly good at making up nonsense to distract your attention away from just how shit his team are. "We need a new pitch" - the most recent of his desperate excuses. I for one will be delighted to see Harry go down. He spunked an incredible amount of money on Chris Samba as he strolled into town like he was John Wayne, about to rescue the townspeople and shoot all the bandits in the face. 

If you lose at home to Stoke City, you aren't good enough for the Premier League. Even Peter Crouch managed to score against them today. One thing's for sure, if when QPR go down - you will not see Harry Redknapp for dust. It's almost guaranteed that it's written in his contract that he can leave as soon as the final whistle blows, confirming their downfall. "Championship? Fuck off you mugs!" - as he drives into the sunset in his soft-top 911, with his sunglasses on and Phil Collins playing on the stereo. 

Thursday, 18 April 2013

Bebe doesn't take life seriously

Remember Bebe? The homeless guy that somehow ended up playing for Manchester United? He's hoping to return to Manchester, but after a recent interview, he probably won't.

Apparently when he was asked if he wanted to play for United, he thought it was a joke. When he arrived, the first thing Alex Ferguson said was that he looked like a tramp and needed a haircut. With his new skinhead, he hoped to impress the boss - it didn't really work as Fergie now didn't recognise him and thought some hobo had sneaked into training.

Without the ability to speak English, having an angry, red-nosed Glaswegian shouting at him didn't really help him settle in. He said he couldn't understand a word Sir Alex said and relied on Anderson, Evra and Nani to help translate. According to Bebe, Ferguson hates Nani because he will never be as good as Cristiano Ronaldo. Everyone else hates Nani because well, he is Nani.

Bebe also admits that he never took life or training seriously while at United, but still hopes to return. To date he has never started a game in the Premier League and almost certainly never will. I kind of forgot about Bebe. Definitely nothing suspicious about a complete nobody signing for Manchester United for £7.4m - nope, nothing strange about that whatsoever. Alex Ferguson signing a player he has never seen play, for £7.4m, who plays in the lower Portuguese league, what's weird about that? Who's his agent? Jorge Mendes? And?

You spent how much!

Jesus Christ monkey balls, the figures are out and in case you didn't know - Premier League clubs spend a fuck load on player wages.

The Premier League made a record income of £2.4bn during the 2011-2012 season, now the Guardian's financial report has revealed that a mighty £1.6bn of this went straight on Mario Balotelli's parking tickets, and other things like cars and glockenspiels. This figure does not include the fees that were paid to agents, or any of Harry Redknapp's "bonuses".

Football has gone insane - it's no wonder 90% of footballers are massive dickheads. If you have money thrown at you from the age of like 15-16 and everyone tells you, "you are awesome!" - chances are you are going to be a dickhead. Do they care? Definitely not, why would they? I'd rather footballers fannied around setting off fireworks and driving supercars,  rather than sitting on Twitter every night talking about horse racing and the fucking darts, Michael Owen.

Alex Song is regret

Alex Song left Arsenal to go on holiday in Barcelona sometime last season and now, shockingly, he regrets being the fifth choice substitute for the greatest team ever.  He wants to go back to Arsenal

According to his Uncle, who is actually his cousin, Alex made a big mistake when he left North London to seek the pleasures of the Spanish giants and now he wants Wenger to come and rescue him. His Uncle is actually Rigobert Song, as in the same guy who played for Liverpool and West Ham back in the day - isn't that cool?  His most famous and best statistic is that along with Zinedine Zidane, he is the only player to have been sent off in two separate world cups.  I wish Rigobert Song was my Uncle, and not the one who molested me behind the petrol station in I mean I don't have an Uncle

Cesc Fabregas is a Dad

I missed this one, but everyone's favourite midfielder, Cesc Fabregas, is now a Dad after his girlfriend gave birth to a human child.

I just found out that Cesc is 25 years old and his girlfriend/partner/wife/whatever is 37.  That's a fair age difference when you think about it, and if you imagine it the other way round you're like 'aw man that's cool, well done'.  Now I'm just like, 'well she better be smoking hot cos otherwise this is going to end badly'

I think Pique got the better deal here tbf but then again he is banging Shakira so it's not as if there was ever a contest.  Her vagina could be venomous and I'd still climb a haunted mountain and punch a thousand wolves to death with my bare hands on the way in order to have sex with her.  This is another of the things that I'm not sure I should keep putting on my CV in the 'interests' section.

So anyway Cesc has a daughter now - congratulations to you, sir!

Jack Wilshere is a mogwai

Kevin Mirallas was just innocently squirting water out of his bottle as he walked towards the tunnel during Arsenal vs Everton on Tuesday but little did he know it would cause a huge ruckus.

The Belgian forward can be seen squirting some water behind him and it hits Jack Wilshere, who as we all know, can't stand having water on him.  He squares up to Mirallas immediately and says "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!" before spawning more of himself all over the place in the tunnel. He ran into the jaccuzzi as fast as he could

"You bellend!" he screamed as he started putting frying pans in the microwave, and before anyone could stop him he had become a gremlin and then Gervinho tried to eat him.

Fucking hell, footballers are such absolute pussies

Tim Krul to AC Milan

Sometimes on Football Manager, one team always buys a certain player every single time.  In CM3 (I think) everyone buys Lizarazu, and I can't think of any other examples right now, but Tim Krul is linked with AC Milan!

In FM12 AC Milan kept trying to buy Tim Krul from me in my Newcastle game, and eventually I sold him because to be honest, I am awful at Football Manager and really don't know who's good or not.  In real life the Italian club wants him for £14million and he's more than good enough to be a Champions League goalkeeper so if it's true then... well he'll probably leave.  Unless he decides to stay, in which case he might stay.  It's this sort of genre defining journalism that has boosted FitbaThatba to the top of Google searches everywhere