Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Pepe Reina: Film Star

Pepe Reina is a great goalkeeper, he's even better than Brad Jones - but what is he like as an actor? Let's find out.

That's a screen grab I have taken from the short film "Invictus". Wait, isn't there already a film called Invictus? If I remember correctly, it was one of the shittest films I have ever seen. Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela and thought, "well I kind of look like him and I'm old, so there's no point even trying to do the accent or act, because I'm Morgan Freeman." That film was so bad, I'm actually angry thinking about that time I will never get back.

Back to the Pepe Reina, Invictus. I think you can watch it here -

I had no idea what the fuck they were saying, so I just made up my own story.

The film starts with Pepe waking up after a really heavy night out. Still in his fancy dress outfit from the night before, he wakes up on horse that he has somehow managed to acquire from somewhere. In desperate need of a Subway, he follows the only road into town. There he comes across some unemployed Everton fans. Being courteous he gives them a wave, they respond by throwing stones at him.

Eventually he arrives home to find his Dad is really pissed off, apparently someone had told him about his antics the night before and the horse theft. Despite his brother's best efforts to get him in trouble, he seems to be calming his Dad down- but then his best mate Jimmy-10-Pills shows up .Still clearly eccied off his face, this is the last straw for Pep's Dad and he orders them down to the basement, "before I beat the shit out of both of you!"

Still without his subway and now grounded, Pep orders in a pizza. Unfortunately the delivery man is a fat bastard and couldn't resist eating the cheesy goodness. Undeterred, he phones his girlfriend and says, "bring me a 12" BMT with extra jalapenos"- but she can't drive and has to get a lift from her Mum. The two of them turn up but her Mum turns out to be a total bitch, and says he's not allowed a BMT until he apologises to his father and returns the horse he stole. He calls her a cunt, he falls out with his girlfriend, and he still has no Subway.

After a couple of hours in the basement, Jimmy-10-Pills is starting to come down, but the bad news is Frankie-5-Grams has shown up. Frankie starts telling the story for the 500th time about when he sold the pizza delivery man bag of grass cuttings for £100 and told him it was purple haze. Right on cue, the pizza delivery boy shows up again and knocks out Pepe and Jimmy-10-Pills in one swipe.

Realising the error of his ways, our main man Pep decides he should return the horse to it's rightful owner. "It's almost 4pm and I've still not had a fucking Subway", he tells Jimmy, who laughs and takes another half. They ride off into the distance and so it ends. Did Pepe ever get a sandwich? I guess we'll never know.