Aberdeen are hosting a press conference at 12.30 today to announce Derek McInnes as the next TOP DOG at Pittodrie. Am I underwhelmed? Let's find out!
I wanted to go to the press conference (I can do that now btw) but I'm going to Edinburgh to get drunk at the zoo instead (I can do that now btw). I expect they'll say 'well Derek how come you got fired for making Bristol so awful' and he will say 'Bristol is full of people who sound like pirates and it was HAAAAAAARRGGGGHHHHHD'
Oh look it's Gary Naysmith, at a press conference. See I wasn't lying. Pa Broon, 312 years old tomorrow, has said that he will step down early if the club manag to find a replacement so I don't know what's going to happen with that really.
In my head what happens is that McInnes wanders through the swamp of Aberdeen until he meets Brown, who invites him back to his little hut where he feeds him some weird food. There he warns McInnes of the dark side of the town, like Espionage and how he must never go there.
McInnes does some training, goes off to meet his team mates and then has sex with his sister, hangs out with a bunch of giant, sentient furbies and when it appears Aberdeen won't reach Europe for another season in a row, he will return to the little hut where Brown is. There old Pa Broon will say 'there is another sky....... w w w w television deal, make sure the rights are distributed evenly and those hun bastards get none of it' and then he dies and turns into a ghost that hangs out with the crocodile, Anakin Skywalker and Bill Cosby
And that's everything you need to know about Star Wars. The weirdest thing about this whole press conference is that Julie Bowen looked like this
She was 26 then. WTF is that about? Because now she's 43, she looks like this
And that's all I have to say about Derek McInnes today. May God have mercy on us all