Friday, 8 March 2013

Bale v Messi v Ronaldo and The Future of Football


Good hi,

Thought it was about time I did a serious article that looked at real issues in football, so I have decided to take a look at how Gareth Bale has evolved over the last few seasons, and how he compares to Messi and Ronaldo. I will also discuss the future of football and what we must do to make sure we produce the best players in the future. 

The Evolution of Gareth Bale
There is no doubt that Gareth Bale has evolved more than we could have ever imagined possible a few seasons ago. Here is my analysis of how Gareth Bale has evolved since 2009.                                                                  
                                                             Gareth Bale 2009


Back in 2009 Gareth Bale looked nothing like the player he has become today, and looking at him at the time, it would have been impossible to imagine that he could evolve as much as he has done in such a short period of time. He has evolved in certain areas beyond recognition and below is my analysis of just what aspects he has evolved in most:
                                                               
                                        Gareth Bale 2013 (What aspects he has evolved in)
As you can see, Bale has evolved in several different areas over that short period of time. It is blowing all evolutionary theory out of the window. It was once thought that it took millions of years for us to evolve from apes into modern day humans. But Gareth Bale has shown that if you put the work in in training, and eat your vegetables, you can evolve from an ape in to a human in just 4 years, leaving behind the unsightly sticky out ears, muzzle, and wild untamed fur. I like to think that on monkeys’ equivalent of the internet, on monkey porn websites, they get those adverts at the side with before and after pictures saying “I went from this, to this, in just 4 years. Click here to find out how”, then the monkeys who want the get quick evolutionary results click on the link and then they just get endless pop ups. This is my main criticism of Bale; he has completely sold out by agreeing to be part of those adverts on the monkey porn websites, completely forgetting where he came from. Leaving the monkeys who click on them to explain to their monkey wives why there is a window open on monkey internet explorer advertising hot young cubs looking to mate in near your tree.  Because sometimes you don’t realise the pop ups are there until it is too late! 

Bale v Messi v Ronaldo 
What makes the best football player? 
To determine what makes the best football players, we must look at their genetic make-up. This means tracing their ancestry all the way back to their parents. I will therefor take a look at Bale, Messi and Ronaldo’s family trees, do some analysis and then make recommendations on how we should go about creating the best footballers for future generations.
                                                                        Bale’s Family Tree                                       
                                    
                                                                   Messi’s Family Tree

                                                          Ronaldo’s Family Tree

Analysis  
As you can see, the ancestry of each player is very important in defining the player themselves. Mating with apes seems to produce good players, although they take time to evolve. Mating with dwarves produces good players after they have taken a few growth hormones. Surprisingly mating with another guy actually produces good players even if they are the ultimate super homo hybrid.  So in order to produce similar players in the future, we need to make sure we try and follow one of these 3 templates. 

Recommendations
We all want our kids to grow up to be successful footballers, and we all want to produce top footballing talent for our countries. I have discovered through my analysis that who you have that child with is crucial in determining if they will be a top player or not. We all need to do our bit to help produce good players for the future, So when you are out with a couple of mates this weekend, do not attempt to mate with the 3 attractive girls at the bar, instead, for the sake of the future of football in your country, please mate with one of these 3 instead:

                              People to mate with to produce good footballers for the future
As long as you mate with one of these 3 people we will be guaranteed to produce top footballers for the future. 

Good Bye.



@IainWeir1988