Thursday, 28 February 2013

Avram Grant will be Chelsea boss on Monday. Again

Scary jewish action toad Avram Grant will be announced as Chelsea's new interim manager on Monday according to rumours.  On the internet.  The internet has never lied to me before so I know this is true

The only reason Benitez hasn't mysteriously disappeared from earth already is because people would notice and police investigations are bad.  Trust me, I've been to like 100.  The rumour now is that rather than simply killing him -  which is STILL illegal, Dad -  Chelsea plan to 'replace' him with former manager Avram Grant and also bring in Ray Wilkins as his assistant.  That way he can enthusiastically run round the park calling people 'young man' and tell Frank Lampard he loves him, without having to do so behind the secrecy of a fence.  And I suppose in that regard, there are actually a lot of similarities between my Dad, Ray Wilkins and the amount of police investigations I've had to submit evidence to.

Fulham do the Harlem Shake

I like anything to do with Dimitar Berbatov and I still don't hate the Harlem Shake, so here's Fulham's version

You know what happens, but it's still funny anyway.  Well to me.  Then again, I've watched the same 7 seasons of The Simpsons pretty much every night for 10 years and still laugh at them every time and they don't even have Dimitar Berbatov.  The most concerning thing about these footballers doing internet fads is that it kind of ruins my whole schtick. I can't make bizarre parody fun of them if they're doing it themselves.

we might be doomed, friends.  Maybe

Arsenal might relax their wages

Arsene Wenger wants to buy some star players but there's one thing holding him back - his desire not to pay footballers the wages they want.  This might change SOON

Wenger is rumoured to be very interested in signing Fiorentina's Stefan Jovetic and Borussia Dortmund's Mario Gotze, but both would almost certainly want wages of around £100,000.  This would be easy if it weren't for the fact that Arsenal have an absolutely enormous wage bill even though only about four of their players are actually any good.

Wenger loves 'squad parity' and believes that paying players equally encourages team spirit.  What actually happens is that Robin van Persie and Cesc Fabregas immediately move somewhere else and Johan Djourou gets paid £50,000 a week.  MANAGEMENT!

Paddy Power are mean to Fernando Torres

Chelsea are trying to find a way to have Paddy Power's latest advert legally removed from the position it currently occupies directly opposite Stamford Bridge because it's so unfunny it's actually offensive.  I think

If you can barely make that out like me, it says:
FERNANDO, we've got an onion bag you can actually find.  It's in the burger van mate. Get your hair net on
HAH AHA HA oh my sides.  This is just straight up bullying.  Poor Fernando is already down on his luck, completely shit and incredibly rich - he doesn't need to be reminded that burgers are delicious.  I had two burgers last night on my way home.  They were nice.  Justice for horses!

Joey Barton likes Ibrahimovic's nose

Joey Barton is a pleasant and well educated individual off the pitch, as we all know, but on it he can sometimes be slightly mean.  Like against PSG when he suggested that Zlatan's nose is big

In this shocking video, the English midfielder suggests that Zlatan's giant beak might too large for his face but what Barton is forgetting is that Zlatan doesn't care.  Joey Barton is like a bug on the windscreen to Zlatan and if he wanted to fix his enormous schnoz he could do it with the billions of £££ he earns every day.  But he doesn't!  You know,  people shouldn't be so concerned with superficial things like 'how they look' - it's what's inside that counts.

Unless you're fat in which case what's inside is lots of cake and pies.  You fat cunt

The Rangers don't lose SPL titles

There was some Rangers tax thing today and again, I don't understand it for one minute but they still haven't been sent to jail yet so I think the outcome was good?  For them I mean.

Here's a picture of 'The Rangers' that I found on Google, and to be honest they look a far more ethnically diverse group than I had stereotyped the average Ibrox attending football supporter.  Those same supporters will be pleased that due to an admin error, the 'oldco' have to pay a £250,000 fine and the 'newco' don't lose the league titles they won by spending more money than everyone else and buying all of the other club's best players.  I understand more about women than I do tax law and I haven't even seen a tax law naked for about 3 months.  Except for on the internet.  Wait - I meant tax laws.  WAT

Dennis Bergkamp will have a statue

Dennis Bergkamp is kind of a big deal around Arsenal and since they've been so pish recently Wenger has revealed his secret clone army of Dennis Bergkamps, made out of stone!!!!

Clearly influenced by Episode II of Star Wars, Wenger feels that by assembling an army of Dutch close control masters he will be able to take over London and turn Tower Bridge into anamorphic creature that can walk to Old Trafford and tell it to fuck off.  True story

Rafa Benitez has lost it. again.

Fat waiter Rafael Benitez has announced that he will leave Chelsea in May and that they made a HUGE mistake only appointing him as interim manager.  ha ha aahahaaaa

Remember that time I did a video for Roberto Di Matteo when he got sacked?  Well Benitez isn't getting one because he sucks.  Chelsea know it, and that's why they gave him the title 'interim manager' that he hates so much in the first place.  It's basically like being Chelsea's rebound shag, and now they've gotten over the last guy and had their fun with the current, they can finally move on to their one, true love, Jose Mourinho.  So in a way I can relate to Benitez's pain, since all my girlfriends have left me for guy's who "don't stalk" them.  I just want to make sure you're safe at school, baby!

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Newcastle fans will have slides

Walking can be a troubling experience at the best of times, especially if you are a chronically obese alcoholic who wants to shout things at athletes.  That's why Newcastle fans will soon be able to enjoy slides!

That is a picture of some place in Holland but it has a slide so you get the idea.  The plan is to have slides that go into the metro and the car park rather than making people walk down flights of stairs and I think this is a great idea.  The only problem will be when Jimmy 5 Bellies gets stuck half way down and has to be cut free using the jaws of life, while children cry tears of pure terror after being temporarily stuck within one of these 5 bellies, like a strange level on Zelda.  So apart from that it should be fun

Michael Laudrup is sexual

Handsome Michael Laudrup is being begged to stay at Swansea for longer by his players because it turns out he's quite good at managing and stuff.

Real Madrid are rumoured to want to bring in the Danish legend to replace Jose Mourinho at the end of the season and since he also used to play for them, he already has a place in the fans' hearts.  Laudrup is so good that he actually managed to get a team from Wales to win a Cup in England and regardless of whether it's a trophy that no one actually wants or not, it's still a trophy.  Just like my '18 months clean' badge that I'm so proud of!

Some people however are like 'you can't just take that JJ' and to them I say 'meh'.  Just because I stole it from a man I found unconscious on the street doesn't make it any last valid.  He didn't look very clean either.  I don't understand what this trophy really is

ad pot

Gareth Bale is the best around

Nothing's ever going to keep him down.  Did you see that goal on Monday?!  It was quite good

BOOM!  That was the sound at Upton Park on that particular evening as Gareth Bale used his sexy football powers to seduce the world and then penetrated us with his unstoppable left foot.  The only people who didn't sit up and go 'what the fuck was that' when Bale scored his second were West Ham fans, but they probably thought it.  Anyway, Bale is worth £400billion today or something
"I can't say I've ever seen anyone score so many in such a short time. I think that's the best of the lot, and there's not a lot you can do about it at that stage of the game."
That's what Sam Allardyce said, and he would know because he's fat.  It's the exact same reason that my girlfriend gets to choose what movies to watch

Pittodrie Pies might have horse

Aberdeen lost 1-0 to Ross County last night so excuse me while I put my head in the oven.  OH MY GOD THERE'S A HORSE INSIDE!!! Or is there?

Thankfully, Aberdeen FC took all of the meat pies off the menu last night to save any spectators eating the dreaded animal and when I say thankfully I mean 'what the hell are you doing'?!  The whole point of football games is Bovril and a Pie with meat inside it, regardless of whether or not I can distinguish whether it is a real creature inside.  At least I know what a horse is.  

Angus the Bull was tested to make sure he was safe for consumption but he was found to have horse DNA inside him as well, so he is now in jail.  I told you to stop doing that, Dave!

Barcelona - is this the end?!!!!

Barcelona were destroyed by Real Madrid last night in the Lana Del Ray and does this mean that the great, mighty side that ruled the world has finally started to fall apart?

Probably not.  It just kinda means that Barcelona really do need Pep Guardiola to pull the strings and that it's not quite as easy as it looks to manage them.  Tito Vilanova was doing pretty well until he decided to get cancer again but there you go.

During the game lots of grown men pretended to be struck by mystery limbs and spent several minutes rolling around the floor so as to let everyone know of the terrible tragedy they were the victim of.  It did my tits in and I kinda stopped watching until I realised that Real Madrid were winning 3-0 and that Lionel Messi had had maybe one shot on goal.  JUICY

Some might be surprised by how poor Barcelona actually played, but not me because they actually did a pretty good impression of themselves on FIFA.  When I control them.  There's a lot of teams that aren't very good on that game actually.  I've lost with Chelsea, Real Madrid, Bayern Munich and come to think of it I always die on Call of Duty...... wait a minute........ haha I'm so stupid!  My Playstation is obviously broken

Monday, 25 February 2013

Paul Ince has still got it

Paul Ince showed the football world what he was really capable of in his first game in charge as Blackpool boss, by losing.

His side lost 2-0 to a Leeds team that hadn't won in four league games so that's not exactly great going. Then again, it must be hard to motivate a bunch of guys from Blackpool to try really hard at football.  I've been to that place and all it has is a theme park and depression, and Lee from Steps was playing a gig the night after my band.  And now Paul Ince is the manager.  Getting a pro football contract at Blackpool must be like getting a Kinder Egg with SARS inside it

Di Canio goes night prowling

Paolo Di Canio appears to be borderline insane and that's why he broke into Swindon Town's stadium to steal some photographs of himself.

That's right, the former West Ham and Lazio star AND CELTIC broke into Swindon Town's ground the other night accompanied by a member of staff to 'forcefully' retrieve mementos from his time spent there.  The most important of his mementos was the DVD of 'Memento' because he would have had to pay a large fine if it wasn't back to Blockbuster in time.  In 1997!!  Am I right guys?

Robert Mancini is good at journalists

Roberto Mancini seems to enjoy giving journalists things to write.  This week he is the best manager in England

While last season Mancini told everyone that City were out of the title race so that the pressure was off them and they could just chill out, now he's telling everyone that he's the best manager ever so they should all fuck off.  It's a risky tactic and one I would not employ in say... a local Costcutters that you work in.  Especially not while drunk and while not wearing pants.  I can only hope my Dad gets this subtle hint

Arsenal don't quit, will finish 2nd

Arsene Wenger has revealed that he will never quit Arsenal and has never ever considered it, and also that he thinks Arsenal will finish 2nd.  So I looked at the league table and he's actually maybe not wrong :-/

Oh wait he is

There's no way City are going to let Arsenal get more points than them, Spurs will probably outdo them eventually and then there's Chelsea - there's more pressure on Benitez to do well there than there was on the Hadron Collider.  If he doesn't finish at least third Abramovich is going to invite Oscar Pastorius round while Benitez goes for a shit

David Beckham is cool

David Beckham made his debut in the French League thing last night and what a debut it was.  He passed the ball at least three times holy christ

Before I'd seen him eating a cheese and ham baguette I thought this guy was other worldly, but then he went and gave all his money to some French kids and helped set up a goal for PSG so now he is other worldly.  Sure, so David Beckham is allowed to give millions of £££ to defenceless orphans but when I try and give them lollipops from the back of my van it becomes a 'police matter'.  What is this world?!

Friday, 22 February 2013

Betting on the MLS and which teams will come on top of the league

This is a "guest post".... please don't hate me.

There are nineteen teams involved in MLS (Major League Soccer), 16 of which are based in the US and the remaining three are Canadian. The league is run very much like a typical football league except that teams are neither relegated nor promoted to it; there are no feeder leagues as such which means that betting on the sport is restricted to one league only. During the normal season which runs from March through to October, each team plays 17 away and 17 home games. The aim is to get into the top ten, and doing so qualifies a team for the play-offs and a chance to win the highly coveted MLS Cup.
Now that David Beckham is no longer involved, you might be looking to hedge your bets on teams other than the 2011 and 2012 MLS cup holders LA Galaxy. Although the 2013 season is not very far away, bookmakers still have not yet posted odds on the opening rounds nor on the league and play-off winners, but they will be doing so soon, so keep your eyes peeled. The Draft and Super Draft have been completed, teams have been decided and they have all returned to training.
It should be only a matter of days before pre-season odds begin to appear, but in the meantime you can always go to your online casino for some football related gambling games. One that many people are currently enjoying is Soccer Safari, found at This five reel slot game is a football styles slot that is based on the 2010 South African World Cup, and it features football players, linesmen and the referee which are depicted as comic wild animals such as lions, zebras and giraffes, so if you have any sense of humour you can’t help but enjoy playing it. Given that there is a hundred times winnings multiplier and a £25,000 bonus feature, there are some other good reasons for laying it too. No doubt we will be able to update you here on MLS betting odds soon.

There'll be some actual articles later. love you 4eva x

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Man City did the Harlem Shake

It may be an internet fad but I still think the Harlem Shake is very funny.  This effort by Man City is also good

Man City's YouTube channel is actually pretty funny so fair play to them.  Most clubs would employ some shirt and tie wearing nerd to manage their social media stuff, but someone at that club seems to understand how the internet works.  I'd do a Harlem Shake myself but all the other videos imply that you have to have lots of friends to make it work.  Luckily for me, I don't have any friends.  Wait, I mean that's bad.  HOLD ME

Rafa Benitez would consider being Spain boss

Rafa Benitez is very good at making himself look cool when he talks to journalists and this time he has confirmed that if the Spanish national team were to ask him, he'd definitely think about managing them.  How very grand of him!

The evil waiter is clearly in a very generous mood, and because Chelsea are still trying to replace him whenever they can he's open to offers.  Spain seem like they might be alright so he's looking at them (ESPN):
"I have a good relationship with Vicente, but I would not rule out becoming national coach, after Vicente has left of course," Benitez said. "It is something I see a long way down the line. For that I would need to stay at the top level and keep being successful."
I think that's a pretty fair thing to say.  I mean I also wouldn't rule out managing Spain if they asked me, so in that way me and Benitez are pretty similar.  That, and because the people I currently work for also hate me.

Harry Redknapp and Frank Lampard

There's barely anything worth writing about today so I thought I'd share this video that one of my friends showed me a while ago which I thought was cool

I don't know who Scott Canham is, and I guess that's the point, because in this video from 1996, when I was 11, Harry Redknapp vehemently argues that Frank Lampard will be a 'top, top player'.  It's just cool because Harry's all like 'I DON'T WANNA SAY IT IN FRONT OF THE LAD' and then does, and Frank just looks kinda awkward and eventually turns out to be ace.

It's kind of like that the time my Dad threw me out of the house and then I had to live on the streets until one day a wealthy, drunk man made friends with me and gave me a place to stay in his house.  Then the next day he forgot who I was so I had to try and remind him, and there was a scene with a river I think, and also I couldn't talk at all.  Now I think about it I'm pretty sure I mean City Lights.

Dundee have no manager

Dundee FC have announced that their manager Barry Smith has left his position, leaving the club in the position of "fucked".  Or 12th, if you'd rather call it that.

I know I insult it on an almost hourly basis, but the SPL is actually probably the most exciting league in the world right now.  Apart from the fact that Celtic have already won it, and Dundee are already relegated, there are only about 11 points that separate the rest of the teams.  The only problem with this is that it's the SPL....  it's like playing FIFA with Real Madrid vs a Mexican 2nd division team, if the Mexican team is controlled by your disabled brother who just bashes the buttons.  And if I ever lose I just tell Mum that he hit me and he has to go back in the cupboard.  Ha ha ha only joking.  I never lose.

David Gill is stepping down

In news that has bored me beyond belief, some guy called David Gill is leaving Manchester United.  The only reason I know this is important is because it's on the BBC front page

Gill was in charge of finances at Manchester United for a few years and now he is Chief Executive, which apparently he's quite good at, but that will all end on June the 30th when he leaves.  And that's it really.  I'm struggling to find anything funny about this at all so instead I'm just going to look into whether Oscar Pastorius' legs used to belong to a murderer or not.  Those police are going to feel so stupid if I'm right

Jack Wilshere is :-(

Jack Wilshere has been seriously uncool this week after he nearly shed tears when Arsenal got absolutely pumped by Bayern Munich.  What is this?  Gay hour?!

Wilshere was about the only player in the entire of the Arsenal team who looked good enough to play for Bayern and perhaps it is the fact that he knows this that made him so frustrated and upset in his post match interview.  I'd be close to tears if I had to play in the same team as Per Mertesacker and Theo Walcott too.  Then again, now I think about it, there are only two things that can make me cry - the bit in Forrest Gump when he's talking to Jenny's grave and when I think about how much I love tits

Tuesday, 19 February 2013

James McFadden will save the world (Motherwell)

Motherwell signed James McFadden yesterday on a free transfer and that give me an excuse to post this video

I really hope they play that over the tannoy at Fir Park some day.  They'll have lots of reason to since McFadden will absolutely destroy the SPL when he starts playing in it again.  Although the race to finish second is far more exciting now that The Rangers don't exist anymore, the standard is probably quite a lot worse since Faddy left his hometown club all those years ago.  Like all of the hot girls from school who now look about 43 years old.

Paul Ince is employed

Paul Ince has been named the manager of Blackpool because he's seen so many games from watching his son, that he might as well.

The ex-England midfielder has watched Tom Ince, his son, perform very well for the club over the last season and since Paul used to be a manager - why not?  It's not as if he's been terrible at every manager job he's had, except the first one.  The first job I was bad at was being a paper boy but it's not as if I eventually grew up to be a paper boy.  Or post man, as it's more commonly referred to.


Arsene Wenger is RAGE

Arsene Wenger was having a nice time in a press conference the other day when all of a sudden he went Chris Benoit on one of the journalists.  And by that I mean he got angry, he didn't kill everyone.  In that regard it really was nothing like Chris Benoit, to be honest.

The Arsenal manager was being asked questions about a two year extension to his current deal and informed the waiting press room that this was 'wrong information'.  And then he TURNED INTO A BEAR AND STARTED THROWING SHIT EVERYWHERE.  DESKS, PEOPLE, CHAIRS      -  HE DIDN'T CARE, COS WENGER IS THE PLAYA WHO IS LIVING DOWN THE STAIRS

He was actually annoyed at what he perceived to be a question laced with negative motive and that's what happened.

Paolo Di Canio B quitting

Eccentric psychopath, Paolo Di Canio, has resigned from his position as manager of Swindon Town because he hates them.

The Italian manager said:

From this position, it's of like eating myself to death.  With you on the outside, and me on the inside, there's advantages to both
And then I was like 'THERE'S ADVANTAGES TO BOTH".  I met James Murphy once in Sub Club and hugged him.  He was cool as fuck.  Paolo Di Canio on the other hand might actually be mental, but he has resigned because Swindon Town are being bought over, or didn't buy a player he wanted, or just didn't do something that he wanted to happen.  It's like when my girlfriend left me because I didn't want to go to Primark that time.  Or maybe because I had sex with her sister.  I'm pretty sure it was one of those


At fucking last

FIFA has finally announced that goal line technology will be used during the 2014 World Cup after being successfully trialled at the club world cup.  I for one am delighted that those in charge have deemed technology that has been available for about 20 years now finally ready to be used, like every other sport in the world ever.  After the announcement Sepp Blatter rode off on his horse to go and look at iPhones because he heard you can use wee fee on it.

Monday, 18 February 2013

Lionel Messi scores 300 goals

Lionel Messi is good at football.  JOURNALISM

I don't know how much more needs to be said about this but I'm pretty sure when someone scored this many goals in Champ Manager I used to assume the computer was actually broken.  Not the game, the actual computer.  I assumed the same thing was happening here and so I threw my flat mate's desktop out of the window and it killed someone.  So now I have to complain to Dell again.  And that's just really inconvenient because I wanted to watch the office all day.

Manuel Neuer is a mutant

Bayern Munich goalkeeper Manuel Neuer is set to try revolutionary new gloves that only have four fingers because he is a crazy mother hubbard.

The glove only has four fingers on the right hand which must make him right handed, and I guess it makes sense.  Neuer hasn't conceded a goal this year so in all fairness he can pretty much do whatever he likes at the moment.  As he long as he doesn't accidentally kill anyone he could pretty much wear an astronaut suit and get away with it.  No-one suspects the astronaut

Fabio Borini is injured forever

Liverpool striker Fabio Borini has been ruled out of action for the rest of the season after dislocating his shoulder against Swansea.

The injury marred an otherwise impressive 5-0 victory for the Anfield side but the Italian definitely won't play for the rest of the season according to his manager.
"It looks like Fabio Borini has dislocated his shoulder, so that would put him out for the rest of the season," 
See?  I wasn't lying.  Other points of interest in the game included Daniel Sturridge passing the ball to someone who isn't Daniel Sturridge and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse arriving immediately after.

Inside the pies


Marek Hamsik is robbed

Napoli player who we all pretend to know lots about, Marek Hamsik was held up at gun point after his side's 0-0 draw with Sampdoria this weekend.  What fun

The Slovakian was just driving his car to the airport when two men stopped him, smashed the window and held a gun to his face until he gave them all of his stuff.  Afterwards they picked up a prostitute and drove her over the edge of a hill, before phoning their cousin Niko to let them know that it was done.  Then they got bored because the rest of the missions were just 'drive here, kill that guy, drive here, drive here again, shoot that guy, drive there' over and over again.  GTA5 better be good

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Fat Ronaldo isn't Fat Ronaldo anymore

Former Brazil legend, Ronaldo, went missing for a brief period in the early 2000s and was replaced by mysterious villain, Fat Ronaldo.  Now he has been banished to the demon world he first left

There you go.  He looks like a burrito in the first picture and like a cool dude in the second.  RONALDO IS BACK!  I don't think he's playing football anymore but this should give some of you fatties a bit of inspiration.  It just takes a bit of hard work to suddenly you look hot again.  I'm glad he's had the motivation to stop being a fat mess and many others could take a leaf out of his book just like my girlfriend.  hint hint.

I just hope she gets the hidden meaning there

Nani crashes his car into a police car

If there was one kind of car you should avoid crashing yours into, that car would be one driven by a policeman.  Not if you are Nani!  Then the game is to try and bash them

The Manchester United winger was driving his Bentley on the road when suddenly he crashed it into a police car, or a police car drove into him.  Whatever happened, the policeman has been suspended from driving 'as is customary' in these situations but Nani is free to hunt again.  A possible explanation I can offer is that he was trying to stop the police car from investigating the meth lab he'd set up down the road but that's because I've watched all of Breaking Bad in the last 2 weeks

Luton's away end is inside a house

Police everywhere are terrified that something will be on fire today because Luton and Millwall are going to play a lovely FA Cup game.  Also to get into Luton's ground you have to go through a house first

I saw this on Reddit and thought it weird enough to share with you.  It must be a pain in the arse living in one of those houses next door when the football's on.  "Muuuuum there's a man bleeding to death in the garden" "Oh fucking hell again?" etc

I like the idea that the only way to get in to the away end at Luton's ground is to believe that the door is really there, otherwise you won't see it.  Like in Harry Potter except rather than there being a magical school on the other side, you go to prison and get raped

Footballer is gay, retires

Robbie Rogers was just a normal, everyday 25 year old footballer....... with a dark secret!  Secretly he loves men and this is why he has retired from the sport.  Because that makes total sense

Rogers was released by Leeds in January after a loan spell at the mighty Stevenage and clearly his love of other dudes was too much to continue struggling to be shit at football.  Although he has 18 caps for America, his career hasn't exactly been on fire and he wrote this letter on his website:
"I always thought I could hide this secret. Football was my escape, my purpose, my identity," said Rogers.
"Now is my time to step away. It's time to discover myself away from football."
He said a whole bunch of other stuff about being gay and how he hopes his 'Creator' has some sort of plan for him, which is very nice.  I'm glad that he believes in an all powerful God that made him so scared of his own sexuality that he has to run away to be able to feel normal.  That sounds like a nice thing to have faith in.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Nobody cares about Inverness

Terry Butcher is super annoyed with Inverness Caledonian Thistle fans because none of them seem to care that their team is sitting second in the SPL.  OH THE HUMANITY

Cally have only managed to pull in an average crowd of 4,017 fans this season even though they might actually get into Europe as long as their form doesn't plummet.
"I honestly don't know how much more we can do. We played some of the best football of the season," said Butcher.
"Does this city deserve a football team like we've got? I don't know."
I've played several gigs in Inverness and I can confirm that it is pointless.  That picture above is of the only landmark I remember, and it's basically like a lego version of Tower Bridge.  But that's its main bridge.  Nessie lives nearby though so at least they have an excuse for not going to the football.  Would you rather watch a bunch of guys rolling around in mud or try and capture a rare sea monster?  Interestingly, if you go to any night club in Inverness you can do both of these things.

Alcohol might come back to stadiums

In moves likely to bring about the end of man kind, football stadiums may soon be allowed to let fans drink beer while in their seats.  I can think of nothing that could go wrong with this

Ipswish Town are being supported by lots of other English clubs in their pursuit of more alcohol:
“Society has moved on since the dark days of the 1970s and 1980s and home office figures would suggest that the number of arrests at games over the last couple of seasons is at an all-time low.
“That doesn’t mean I’m being complacent about this situation and what I’m not calling for is a complete lifting of the ban.
In European stadiums and across all of America you can go nuts with beer while you enjoy a sporting event, but the key difference between these places and the UK is that people understand how to have fun without beer in the first place there.

Beer to a poor English person is like the spark to the fire that threatens to engulf rational thinking and non-lunacy at any time, and combining the average IQ of the common football goer and the amount of sheer rage that echoes throughout their bodies at any given time, allowing more pints of Stella during a football game is going to end with Moira Stewart telling us all to flee for our lives, while a man dressed as a pirate crashes in through the newsroom wall and punches the camera

Man City are train voice people

Manchester City players have been lending their support to the local community by providing voices for the tram.

That video will probably disappear quite quickly since it's just been stolen from the BBC's website but doesn't it make you realise what a wonderful world the internet is?  Stars from the club, including Roberto Mancini, Joe Hart and Vincent Kompany are now those guys that say 'the next stop is Picadilly'.  James Milner also does a voice, which is good because as soon as he stops playing everyone is going to forget that he ever existed.  Like SARS.  That was all the rage like three years ago and now look.

Maradona is a Dad... again

Diego Maradona, who is 52 years old, has become a father for the fourth time, even though he refuses to acknowledge his other children and doesn't have a girlfriend.  Nice.

I didn't really watch football enough when Maradona was in his prime because I think I was either too young or still spent all of my time playing Super Mario World but apparently he was quite good.  One thing he's not very good at however, appears to be parenting, as he's spent the last 26 years denying that Diego Maradona Sinagra is his son, even though science has proven that he is.

Now his ex-girlfriend has given birth to another of his children meaning that he can now try to avoid phone calls from additional people and keep all of his money for lovely drugs, which is why money was invented in the first place.  Luckily for the new baby boy, Maradona has had his lawyer declare that:
he will acknowledge him
Which I think is just truly heartwarming.  This is like if Mufassa had fucking legged it after that monkey held Simba over the other animals.  If Mufassa had been off his tits doing coke the night before

Newcastle are offside, Bale is quite good

EUROPA LEAGUE ACTION!  Last night saw the return of everyone's 4th favourite European competition and what a night.  I even watched some of it.

Papiss Cisse had two goals ruled out for offside against METALIST even though at least one of them was definitely about two yards on.  The other one was level so technically he should have been awarded preferential treatment but the referee just pussied out of it.  It might have something to do with the fact that the METALIST fans are frightening.  As an example, here are some of the posters they were sticking up around Newcastle city centre yesterday:

What a lovely bunch of coconuts.  It ended 0-0.  Meanwhile, in Russia, Liverpool were continuing their comedy tour of 2013 by having a micro sleep at around the 70th minute.  Hulk scored a goal because he is good at football, and then some other guy scored and I laughed out loud on my own.  Brendan Rodgers will take back a delicious two goal deficit to Anfield and will probably spend the next week standing too close to people and constantly touch their face.  He's like that overly friendly Uncle that you try to get away from, except now he's paid to hang out with you instead of court ordered.

Later that evening, Gareth Bale continued his mission to become 'best Welsh guy ever' by scoring a 40 yard Ronaldo style free kick.  I still don't understand how you're supposed to kick a football and make it move like that no matter how many times I stare at it on a screen.  Some people have suggested that I should actually go out on to a pitch and practise it to get better but clearly they haven't realised that football message boards are a much more valuable source of education.  Also, how are you supposed to watch Harlem Shake videos if you're outside?  On 3G?  Yeh sure, cos I've got time to wait 20 seconds for a video to buffer

Thursday, 14 February 2013

David De Gea is the best keeper in the world again

David De Gea had a fun time leaping around his goal last night and now he is the best keeper ever.  I am happy for him

Playing in his home town, as we were reminded every 7 minutes by the commentators, De Gea decided  to turn on the style and reveal to everyone that he had just been pretending to be dodgy this whole time.  Like a really elaborate pool shark, De Gea has been letting goals in all over the place to make everyone think he's not very good, when actually he has been the world's best player all along.  Now I understand why my girlfriend left me!

Oh wait I still don't :-(

Edin Dzeko is on ebay

Manchester City sex ball, Edin Dzeko, has been busy in his time off exploring the various merits of internet auction sites and specifically how he can sell things there.  For charity.  Cos he's nice

The striker has been selling his clothes on ebay in order to raise money for children in Sarajevo who need clothes.  Why doesn't he send his clothes to Sarajevo?  They must have planes there by now.  The other reason for his "charity" is to get rid of clothes he committed murders in and that way when the person opens it they get their finger prints all over it and they didn't even know about it.  Case closed.

Tiote are fraud

Cheick Tiote has been arrested on suspicion of fraud and there are many jokes I could make about this so let's see what happens.

The Newcastle midfielder had his Chevrolet Camaro (that's a car) seized by police in relation to fraud and driving offences yesterday and now he is being investigated.  So it's probably something to do with pretending he wasn't driving at some point and then it crashed or something like that.  Like in Arrested Development when Lucille makes Michael think he was driving.

Interrogating Tiote must be absolutely terrifying and it is believed that Batman has been hired to shout 'WHERE ARE THE OTHER DRUGS GOING' or whatever it is he does.  Chill out, Batman.  Why have you always got to be so uptight

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Frank Lampard writes books for children now

When your playing days finish, some footballers move into management, others into punditry and some turn insane and provide fishing rods to escaped murderers.  Frank Lampard is going to write children's books

The Chelsea midfielder has signed a deal to release five books entitled 'Frankie and the Magic Football' after becoming inspired by the stories he has been reading his own children.  No plot lines have been revealed so far but it is believed they will follow a common narrative and split that overall story over the five books.  The first is likely to be 'Frank Lampard and the Philosopher's Pie', followed by 'Frank Lampard and the Chamber of Pies', then 'Frank Lampard and the Prisoner of Greggs' finishing with 'Frank Lampard and the Goblet of Pies' and 'Frank Lampard eats more pies'.

Because he's fat.

QPR are mental, say Anzhi

It wasn't that long ago that Anzhi Makhachkala were spending all of the money in the world assembling a super team, but now even they think QPR are 'out of their minds' for spending so much on Chris Samba.

The half monster/half defender signed for a fee of £12.5 million (triggering a release clause in his contract) and wages of £stupid a week.  It was hoped that his presence would seal up QPR's terrible defence, and this was exemplified in their 4-1 defeat to Swansea the other day.  So..... well done boys.  The Anzhi director said:
"When they agreed to pay his release fee we wept. He [Samba] wept. Everybody says that he ran away from the club, but that's not true. He didn't put any pressure on the club until we received an offer from QPR for £12.5m, the amount required by his contract."
There's nothing more cool than seeing a grown man cry, especially a dude that looks like he wears the bones of his enemies as a t-shirt.  Well, I say they're bones.  My Mum just kinda drew them that way, but no-one can tell when I strut down the street.


Lukas Podolski goes sight seeing

Lukas Podolski seems like a nice guy and that's why he took photos of himself visiting all of the tourist sights in London yesterday.  For no real reason.

The Arsenal forward enjoyed a nice day off telling everyone who follows him on Twitter exactly where he was as he took in the points of interest around his new city.  He visited the London Eye

Then he visited the Queen and then he went to St Paul's and Trafalgar Square, and then he went to Tower Bridge at night

The papers all think it's a wonderful gesture to show how much he loves London but I'd just like to point out that if you wanted an alibi for your whereabouts while you go out murdering, this is probably a good a way to do it.

Tuesday, 12 February 2013

Inter & Millwall : Racisms part 10204093029

Like horse meat, racism is everywhere. Not so long ago we could look at fans in Russia, Italy and Spain and say "what a bunch of racist pricks" but it would seem Britain is now just as bad.

Mario Balotelli is back in Italy and apparently he doesn't even need to be playing to cause controversy. Inter have been charged 15000 euros, Inter President Massimo Moratti has condemned the behaviour and asked that it isn't repeated later in the Milan derby and although I wouldn't listen to Moratti, he looks like a demon that survives by eating the souls of children as they sleep.

When you think of of the worst fans in Britain, Millwall springs to mind. They are enhancing their glowing reputation as appalling shitbags, thanks to this footage:

If for some reason, you cannot watch the video, it basically shows a bald creature that has taken the form of a human, it could be Voldemort, shouting "nigger", "wog", "black cunt" and other disgusting phrases, time after time. He even throws in some monkey chants for good measure. Diouf actually complained to the referee and the fourth official but they heroically did absolutely nothing, apart from tell him not to go over to where the chants/taunts were coming from.

The incidents are going to be re-investigated in what should be the easiest investigation of all time. Hopefully the law will get involved, although I have no idea where the law stands on this or what the punishment is. I think they send Stan Collymore round and he just shouts in your face until you cry.

Celtic: Out

It was Celtic's first game in the Champions League knock-out stage in three million years, Parkhead was sold out, the fans were drunk and loud, Efe Ambrose had just arrived back from South Africa- what could go wrong?

3-0 Juventus? Oh, oh dear. Celtic found themselves 1-0 down in the opening minutes. Some shit defending from Ambrose , combined with a comedy nutmeg on Fraser Foster was enough to see Matri score - although they gave the goal to Marchisio because the officials were useless. Celtic responded well and actually created a few chances, the best of those falling to our man Ambrose. Perhaps he was still hammered from partying in South Africa and actually saw two balls when the cross came in? Unfortunately he didn't really connect with the real ball and it was comfortably taken by Buffon- who still managed to look handsome, despite wearing a hideous goalkeeper jersey.

I found myself saying "Celtic need to score here, this is good as they can play and if they don't score, they are fucked." That proved to be the case, with Marchisio scoring a second. At 2-0 down, the Glasgow side really needed to do something, like score and definitely not concede another- unfortunately Ambrose was still on the pitch. He was caught in possession just outside his box, have you ever had your pants pulled down, revealing your penis to a group of strangers? I have, and I'm pretty sure that's how Ambrose felt as Marchisio played in Vucinic to make it 3-0.

Lots of people moaned about the referee and his selective blindness at corner kicks. Apparently if you are Italian, you are allowed to hold onto people and stop them moving - this is the "art" of defending you uncultured swines! Anyway, Juve are through and I still love Pirlo. Now that's an in depth match report.