United go on Holiday: Buy Zaha

Wilfried is the next big English talent, according to stuff I've read and watched on YouTube. A few clubs have shown interest but he has apparently signed for Manchester United for £10m/£12m/£15m - delete as appropriate.

Zaha is a classic Man Utd signing - young, English, expensive and a winger - plus they already have the chants they used for Louis Saha which are easily transferable. It's been reported that Alex Ferguson took him out in the bright lights of London for cocktails, a romantic candle-lit dinner and then out dancing. Only once Fergie has put in the groundwork does he whip out his big fat contract.

While Zaha was being seduced by Sir Alex, the rest of the United players were dressed like utter fannies, on their way to Qatar.

Get it? It's funny because they are wearing Bugs Bunny pyjamas! United play Southampton next Wednesday and nothing prepares you for a cold January night, quite like a trip to the desert. Sometimes when I feel I need a break from the cold, I jump in my private jet and fly to Cuba. Then I wake up and drive to work in my Fiesta.