Newcastle United have been trying to determine the future of club captain Fabricio Coloccini for the last few days after the defender revealed he wants to go back to Argentina as soon as he can, at any cost. Then Newcastle told him how much it would cost.
Locking the Argentine in a negotiation room, Ashley and Pardeux adopted the classic good cop/bad cop routine in order to influence proceedings. Pardeux went with the 'oh we really need you, relegation is really fun' line but it was NO DICE for Colo. Sat back smugly in his chair he retorted "there ain't no way you guys be getting me to stay. This cat don't play like that - I be gots ma own issues to be dealin' with holmes' but this only enraged Mike Ashley further, who then replied "either you pay us £7million out of your own money or you stay here" and then Coloccini went "yeh OK I think I'll just stay here, you're right relegation is fun."
And then Ashley was like "and if you do go, the only defending you'll be doing is defending yourself... in court!" and Coloccini said "I know, I see what you're saying, honestly I'll just stay".
And then Ashley was all "oh well if you do leave the only contract you'll be signing is a contract.... with prison!" and then Coloccini said "I don't think I'm going to prison for this. Have you been watching a lot of Breaking Bad recently?" and then I said yes.