Thursday, 31 January 2013

Roberto Mancini got the tube

This isn't really news and nor is it particularly relevant to anything, but Roberto Mancini was at the Arsenal v Liverpool game last night and afterwards he got the tube.  LIKE A REAL PERSON

Arghhh that's blowing my mind.  He looks too cool to be on the tube, it can't be real!  I guess being famous and trying to use public transport must be quite difficult because you're going to have to deal with people like me trying to talk to you.  The options available to Mancini here are to pretend he's not Roberto Mancini or pretend that someone is transporting him to Madame Tussaud's.

In lieu of a punchline, here's that video I made about Alan Pardeux again

David Villa wants to join Arsenal

Arsenal aren't really expected to do any business today, on this, the day of my daughter's wedding, but if they do it might be an awesome transfer of Barcelona forward, David Villa

Wenger was fairly coy on his transfer dealings when asked about it last night but Villa has reportedly told people that he would actually quite like a move to Arsenal because London seems nice and he's not really getting a game anymore.  That's about all I know.  I should probably do a live blog or something today but unfortunately I have to work so instead I'll answer your question with a question: if the best things in life are free, why are prostitutes so expensive?

D Becks signs for PSG

Paris St Germain are set to announce the signing of football legend David Beckham at 5pm this afternoon.  Huzzah

The 37 year old is also going to be added to the French side's Champions League squad meaning that once again we can enjoy the talents of the former England player on our TV screens.  The moves means that Beckham can settle his family in London while he commutes in a secret transport tube like in Futurama, or possibly on an invisible helicopter or maybe even a train.  Just a normal train.  It's the last thing they'll expect

QPR are stupid

QPR have completed one of their TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY signings by bringing terrifying bone crusher, Chris Samba, to England to give him all of their money.

Good old Chris Samba has moved from Russia for a reported £12.5million and £100,000 a week wages.  WTF.  I seem to remember Harry Redknapp saying that he wasn't going to let the owners of QPR get their pants pulled down anymore so I don't know what to think about this.  This is closer to full on rape than just pants pulling down.  Gareth Bale only earns about £80k a week and he's magic, yet Samba is one of those kinda OK defenders that is frightening and thus good.

Who Ate All The Pies worked out that this means QPR will spend £39.5 million in total on the player.  On what universe does that make financial sense?  I cannot wait until they get relegated, it's going to be amazing.  The only plausible explanation I can have for any of their signings is that Tony Fernandes is under a spell

It's Transfer Deadline Day!

The greatest day in the world.  Tell me all the transfer rumours that you have heard!

It might be old but by God if I don't have everyone singing that little organ riff in their head every time they hear "transfer deadline day" by the end of today, I will be slightly disappointed.  But not too much.

Alan Pardeux and le discothèque

Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has bought lots of French players OH MY GOD DID YOU NOT KNOW THAT DO YOU LIVE IN A CAVE

I say this a lot, but this is easily the stupidest video I've ever made.  Enjoy!

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Balotelli just signed for AC Milan

Mario Balotelli has just signed for AC Milan if the internet isn't lying.  And you wouldn't lie to me, would you the internet?  WOULD YOU???!?!?!!

The Italian club has just confirmed that the striker will have a medical on Wednesday and then end the transfer saga that literally everyone has predicted since sometime last year.  The only surprising thing about this is that no-one has died in a fire as a direct result of his actions yet, but then again most of the stories about Balotelli are absolute nonsense.  If the Guardian ran a story about him turning his private jet into a sexy disco, you'd have a queue outside it every night.  Yet when I open a sexy disco it's all "you can't do that, someone died in there"

Everton sign a bouncer

Everton have shocked the world by actually spending some money on someone, specifically Leroy Fer, for £8.6million.  For most clubs that's just a normal signing, for Everton that's crazy.  It's like nearly £80million.

You already know this, but Fer is nicknamed 'the bouncer' because of his size and strength.  That may have been appropriate a few years ago but now bouncers are all trendy looking dudes with haircuts who seem intent on ruining your night out.  Look pal, I'm trying to do the fucking crab dance in an empty shit hole of a night club, spilling a bit of beer is not going to ruin the decor.

Is something that Leroy probably said.

Alan Pardeux wants a fresh start

Newcastle manager Alan Pardew is desperate for his new signings (most of France) to spur his team on to an excellent second half of the season.  Because if they don't he might have to KILL AGAIN

Having completed Newcastle's fifth French signing of the January window, Pardew has high hopes for his side avoiding relegation.  High hopes indeed.
"People keep talking about finishing fifth last year and this and that, but that team, I have never been able to field because of injuries or whatever.
"We now have a strong squad. We will probably have a new look to us and that new look hopefully settles quickly because we have not got a lot of games left.
"It may seem like it, but it won't be in five games' time if we are still in this same position."
You know you're in trouble when you're worried about having to try and beat Aston Villa.  That's like worrying about losing to your girlfriend at an arm wrestle, or losing to your girlfriend at Street Fighter, or losing to your girlfriend in a domestic dispute.  What?  She's a woman - they don't have feelings.  Not like I do   :-(

Brendan Rodgers' son took pictures of sexual assault

Smart phones are a wonderful invention.  Not only can I try and complete Sonic 2 with all the emeralds while hiding in the toilet at my work but I can also take high definition videos of girls I sexually assault!  Some Brighton players also know this.

Four Brighton players, including Brendan Rodgers' son, were in court recently for 'taking pictures of themselves sexually assaulting a 'young woman' who went back with them to their hotel after having been in 4 different nightclubs that evening.  The lawyer guy said this:
"These were the actions of a group of arrogant young men labouring under the misguided belief that by reason of their privileged position they could with impunity take advantage of a young woman in this way, because even if she realised what they had done to her, she would not dare report it."
I always try and read these stories without jumping on the 'FOOTBALLERS ARE EVIL RAPISTS' bandwagon, because there is another bandwagon called 'DRUNK GIRLS WHO GO BACK WITH FOOTBALLERS CRY RAPE', both of which are very dangerous.  Also, consider how many guys/girls you have been back with whilst pissed at a night club when you were 21 and how seedy it would sound in a court of law if it was read out to you.  "The accused then invited the victim round to drink beer and watch Baseketball on DVD, but he didn't really want to watch Baseketball at all.  No, he wanted to see the boobies."

For those of you without a brain, I think it's important to point out here that I don't condone sexually assaulting people.

Anyway, let's read on:
the teenager - described as chatty and bubbly - did not tell police for six months "through fear of repercussions".
She finally made a complaint about being "repeatedly taunted" about the incident by another footballer at the club.
So that's the guy they need to get annoyed with.  "Damn it Dave, could you not have kept our secret sexual assault a secret?!  I'll sexually assault you so bad!"

The sexual assault in question is that the guys all got naked and took photos of themselves with their knobs next to her face, and they also fannied around with toilet paper and shaving foam.  That bit is just stupid.  The horrible rapey bit is that her bra had been taken off and her dress lifted up, which is pretty horrible.  It is however worth reading the whole article on the Telegraph website if for anything other than this line:
"She pleaded with Rodgers to delete the photographs but he told her 'Sorry, we are going to a barbecue'.
Top work, lads.  Sexual assault and a barbecue?  What a weekend!

Ashley Cole hates Fernando Torres

Brentford managed to frustrate Chelsea so much that they could only draw in their recent FA Cup match and striker Clayton Donaldson thinks his team have got inside their heads.

The Guardian have an article today where the Brentford player talks about how Ashley Cole was talking to himself for most of the game and getting annoyed at how Fernando Torres didn't seem to understand what he was supposed to be doing.
I was obviously closer to Ashley. He was always mumbling something, always mumbling stuff quietly, but I could still hear what he was saying. He was just getting frustrated. He was saying about the forward players not showing, saying things like 'He needs to be there' and pointing. You could just see straight away that he was getting frustrated. That was a good thing.
Having to play with Fernando Torres upfront is probably exactly like having to play with that one full kit wanker who turns up to play 5 a side with you.  He doesn't understand that he's completely shit but he's the one who organised the game in the first place so you can't really do anything about it.  It's like trying to get a dog to play catch except the dog is blind and also you ran it over by accident.

Harry Redknapp hates Twitter, loves gangs

Harry Redknapp doesn't understand technology for the sole reason, I expect, that he hasn't tried to use it.  He's annoyed with Tony Fernandes for being on Twitter.  And he is right because Tony Fernandes is an absolute ball bag

Here's a little picture I stole from the BBC website:

My God that man is a cosmic penis.  Harry has offered some advice:
"If you don't want to know what people are saying, don't be on Twitter."
Yes.  This.  Times 1 million.  There are some things I really don't like about Redknapp, but there are others, like this that make him good.  Tony Fernandes is a grown business man trying to hang out with the cool kids in a desperate appeal for approval.  He's like the professor in Fresh Meat.  It's fucking Twitter, mate.  The people who use it are either children, socially retarded, on the wind up or dick heads.  Jack uses Twitter almost exclusively to be unnecessarily mean to people yet even he has avoided trying to annoy Tony Fernandes because it's so pointless.

It's great that this particular method of social networking gives a voice to the 'man on the street' but what you have to remember is that the 'man on the street' is 99% of the time an absolute fanny. If you ever get wound up by someone on Twitter, you need to get a life, or a real job.  Like being the chairman of a football club.

Peter Odemwingie is bored

Peter Odemwingie has been in the news recently because he all of a sudden wants to leave West Brom.  He took out his frustration on Twitter because he "was bored"

Odemwingie looks like the kind of thing you win in one of those claw machines at a theme park and then abandon on a bench before you go to pizza hut.  As he sits gazing out at the sea he can tell the world how he really feels:
His employers, West Brom, were apparently not very pleased with the striker's comments and told him to "fucking wrap it up, son".  He wants a move to QPR for some unknown reason (£££) and if not there, somewhere in Dubai, for footballing reasons (£££££££).  What I don't understand is the tweet that says "home alone. dark. son and wife in hospital. frustrated".

Firstly, why is that relevant?  Did his frustration put them in hospital?  Secondly..... why is he sitting on his own in the dark in his house?  You couldn't draw a better psychopath.

And my final favourite thing is his tweet that says "Score u the best. Don't score - u bad. Where is the truth?" because underneath it says 'Expand' and it makes me think that this is the exact kind of question you have to answer in the 'footballer aptitude test' before you sign your first contract.

Paul Scholes got his car stolen

Sometimes when it was very frosty, I would leave my car running with the engine on outside my house so that all the ice melted away.  This was OK because I lived in a small village and also I'm not Paul Scholes

The Manchester United midfielder did exactly this yesterday and went inside his house to warm up.  Unbeknownst to Scholes, a cunning thief was lurking in nearby Oldham and nicked the car, which was unlocked and left with the engine on.  It was basically, pretty much, asking to be stolen.  It is believed the thief then sold the car and bought something less gay before returning it to his driveway.  The thief was later revealed to be his wife.

The end.

France Football think Qatar World Cup bid *might* have been rigged

Shocking news in football land today as sports magazine France Football reveals that they think the Qatar World Cup bid may have been corrupt.  They're even suggesting people might have been bribed?!!

Qatar is famous for a few things: football, oil, businessmen, money, oil, corrupt businessmen, big buildings, infringement of human rights, money, more money and DEFINITELY not football.  Everyone in the world was surprised when Qatar won the bid because that country's atmosphere only barely supports human life, let alone a demanding athletic sporting tournament.

There are talks of having to move the World Cup to the winter so that nobody dies, or even changing the rules to break the game into thirds so that nobody dies and it seems quite clear that the reason Qatar won the bid was so that nobody dies.  From Who Ate All The Pies:
“France Football has conducted an investigation on the appointment, without any apparent logic, of Qatar as the host country of the World 2022 , made twelve years before the competition.
“The result is instructive. Between acts of collusion and corruption that FF identifies in (our Tuesday edition), the designation has an odour of scandal that forces us to ask the only question that matters: should the 2022 World Cup vote be cancelled?”
Well no.  It shouldn't be cancelled.  It's actually quite a good thing to hold an event like the World Cup in a new part of the world since it might inspire a generation of players from the Middle East, and the Western world generally has their claws all over it.  It might also convince Qataris that gay people are OK and that driving around in your raping van shouldn't be listed as a hobby

Mario Balotelli has leaving party - Milan bound?

Wacky japester Mario Balotelli has reportedly held a leaving night in his party mansion as his move to AC Milan draws ever more probable

The Italian's antics off the ball and non appearances on it have finally convinced Man City that it's time to get rid and as long as their €22million valuation of him is met, AC Milan will welcome the striker with intrigued arms.  Will he become the world class player that Mancini is convinced he will?  Or will he stomp around the pitch until someone passes it to him?  Or will he fanny about and become a real life Football Manager failure?  I haven't seen someone this over hyped and under performed since Ibrahima Bakayoko.......... 's gardener

Monday, 28 January 2013

Drogba and Anelka escape from China

Remember that time that Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka thought it would be fun to live in China?

Happy Frenchman Nicolas Anelka is set to abandon his dream of leaving China and replace it with a newer dream, of escaping from China even faster.  I'm sure China is very nice, and we are all going to be their slaves soon anyway, but this does kinda go to prove that money isn't everything and that's why Anelka is going to play for Juventus who are a real club.  And then he can spend his Sunday afternoons trying to steal James Richardson's newspaper as he talks to himself in a cafe.

Meanwhile, powerful sex machine, Didier Drogba is also about to leave and sign for Galatasary because somehow they can afford both him and Wesley Sneider at the same time.  And if that wasn't weird enough, Emmanuel Eboue lives there.  Turkey is exactly the kind of place Eboue would live.  I had forgotten about him completely, but the idea of him as a shepherd who lives in a cave and sells counterfeit Calvin Klein boxers in a market makes so much sense.

Alan Hutton is going to Mallorca, not on holiday

Forgotten drug user Alan Hutton has grown tired of playing for Nottingham Forest on loan, because that sucks and he'd rather finger some slags behind the KFC in Mallorca.  Or play football for them instead

Unwanted by Spurs, Hutton has had to endure spells with Aston Villa and Nottingham Forest because he's become so lame but sunny Spain awaits as the right back is set to move out again to Mallorca and help in their relegation battle.  I have this weird thing with him Alan Hutton.  On one hand he's clearly a mink, but on the other, he was one of the best Scotland players I can remember watching for a brief period of time.  It's kinda like watching that clip online where the two Scottish boys shag that fat girl.  It's gross, and funny.  But by God it's still porn

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Newcastle want to get Bony

For those of you who play Football Manager, Wilfried Bony will be a name you have heard and assume is good in real life.  So too do Newcastle United, who want to sign him apparently

I think I'm going to be honest here and just point out what everyone's really thinking.  It's disappointing that with a name like that he doesn't look like this

And other than that tenuous link to Football Manager, I don't really know anything else about this.  The Telegraph are the people running the story and apparently Alan Pardeux has bid £12million for the guy, which if it happens, would make the Ivorian the sixth signing of Newcastle's transfer window.  It's like when I go shopping for clothes that one time every two years and I think 'well I should probably get a new t-shirt, maybe two because there are 7 days in a week.  And that hole in my jeans is close to getting me arrested so I'll get some of them.  And then I should maybe get some new shoes because my ones look worse than what homeless people wear.  And then I should buy Wilfried Bony because his name makes me happy'.


Beckham wants his friends to come to America

David Beckham has had a massive impact in SOCCER over stateside, no matter how many people over there will argue otherwise.  It's now the 4th most watched sport in America and now D Becks has left LA Galaxy, he wants the trend to continue!

The ex-England captain wants Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard and Michael Carrick (for some reason) to move to the land of opportunity to carry on his legacy, sort of like how Heath Ledger's friends finished off his role in that Dr Parnassus film I haven't seen.  Except in this scenario the guy they're helping out hasn't died and no-one has had sex with Ashlynne Brook yet.  Or maybe they have.... in my brain.  Or on the internet.  Quick everyone, let's go surfing together.  Surfing in the USA that is.  WHERE THE INTERNET HAS NO CHAINS

FREEEEEEEDOM yeh yeheeeehhhhhhhh internet internet FREEEEEDOOOMMMMMMMM




the end.

Nile Ranger loves to rap

When Newcastle striker Nile Ranger isn't busy posting pictures on the internet of himself with a handgun, he's being arrested for assault.  And if he isn't doing that he's out raping people allegedly

Yes good old Nile has been arrested on suspicion of rape after a woman reported him to police.  Although these are only allegations, it's probably a good idea for Newcastle to just put this guy in the bin round about now.  Just because you're a footballer doesn't mean you should get special treatment.  If you were hiring a guy to work in Costcutter and his CV included 'internet pictures of guns' 'assault' and 'alleged raping', I would be inclined to think passing on that option might be a good idea.  I mean would you hire someone like that?  Hmmm?

Seriously though, because I really need a job.

8 year old recreates Bergkamp vs Newcastle

One of my favourite goals of all time was when Dennis Bergkamp did that cool trick against Newcastle but now I get to watch a goal just like it thanks to the wonders of YouTube.

There's not really much to explain here other than that some 8 year old is better at football than I have ever been but at least I'm not annoyed about it.  If I really was a footballer, at the age of 27 I'd be in my peak years right now but instead I basque in the glory of that time that my Owen Hargreaves video made me internet famous for 3 days.  This little kid can't take that away from me!

he has 3 times as many views as I do.

Sad potato

Some things happened in the FA Cup

GOAL!  That was the sound of the underground today after some lower league teams beat some really expensive ones and the "magic of the cup" lived to fight another day.

Liverpool managed to embarrass themselves some more by losing to Oldham and I find this very funny because that is a place that is Old Ham.  HA HA HA HAA OLD HAM! !  What are the odds?  They were actually quite high because they play in League One and thus should not have lost to some millionaire car thieves.  BrenDONDAN Rodgers is very disappointed with the players he put out because they are so young:
"I was bitterly disappointed with the young players as they had a chance to compete for a club that has to challenge for trophies.
"We lost our concentration and only had spells in the last 35 minutes when we were at the right level."
And right he was to criticise his young players because they play for Liverpool.  What this misleading quote neglects to inform you is that Suarez, Sturridge, Borini, Sterling, Allen and Jordan Henderson all started the game and combined I think that means the team was worth about... £60million.  HA HAH AHA HA HA HA H HA H AH AH AH AH AH A jesus monkey balls.

Over in Landan, Harry Redknapp enjoyed watching his incredibly overpaid bell-end patrol fall over and get buggered by MK Dons, who are a team from a made up place.  Milton Keynes is basically a theme park for English people where you can drink tea and burgle houses yet they managed to score 4 goals against a Premier League side.  Harry thinks this proves that he needs more players:
If we don't get more players, everyone in London will die
The actual quote wasn't quite as severe as that, but I find the very notion that Mark Hughes spent so much money and bought such absolute shite, absolutely hilarious.  How clueless must that man, or his superiors, have been to sign Jose Bosingwa on £80,000 a week.  They would probably make him be a janitor if it wasn't for the likelihood they'd just find him sleeping in the closet like a possum.  If QPR  were a Monopoly piece they would be the iron, because the iron is shit.

Some other stuff happened as well.  I think Spurs lost.  See you later.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Jimmy Kebe is good at Twitter

Jimmy Kebe is a French player who is currently at Reading and if you hadn't heard of him before either, join the club.  But don't join the Newcastle club like he said he was going to on Twitter.

Yes, Jimmy has been up to his old tricks on the internet and had all of the 'real' football sites going nuts posting articles all over the place when he said something like "signing for newcastle on a four year deal, thanks for all the support".  They all went HOLY FUCK and started typing away, meanwhile I was just sitting drinking wine in the afternoon and it turns out I might actually be allergic to alcohol but anyway, my point is that either I didn't believe him, or I was too lazy to post about it.  Also it could have been that I didn't know who he was so didn't care.  Whichever it was, he's not going to Newcastle because he tweeted something like 'I was only joking' afterwards.

And this, my friends, is what constitutes the news these days.


Ramos and Casillas don't hate Mourinho, or do

You may remember yesterday I wrote a thrilling article about Real Madrid pair Iker Casillas and Baywatch Ramos, who threatened to leave the club in the summer unless Mourinho was fired.  Well that's not true!  According to them.  It is true according to the paper.

I don't really care whatever the truth is, but something about this whole thing seems pretty suspicious to me.  So they want to "get rid" of Mourinho but they don't want anyone to think that they want to get rid of him.... in case it looks like they are the ones who murdered him!!! Yes it's all coming together now

Richard Keys is definitely not jealous of G Nev

When sexist sports presenter Richard Keys isn't busy getting dumb chicks to suck him off beneath the desk, he's making sure everyone knows that he isn't jealous of Gary Neville.  PHWOAAAAR

Monday Night Football is honestly about the only football related program I have ever actually looked forward to watching because I might learn something about the game.  Match of the Day is absolute bullshit, Soccer AM hasn't been funny for about 10 years and all I learned from Richard Keys is that he can do over 1000 pushups.  But don't let that fool you - Neville has a "secret agenda".  When asked about Neville's recent comments about failure goalkeeper David De Gea, Keys said:
'I think he was sent out with an agenda. 
I don’t think Gary would have done that had he not been told, "Listen finger him". 
I don’t think you can nail a goalkeeper in that way.
After he'd won the award for 'most sexual puns in a three sentence interview', Keys departed, cursing himself for not saying "I don't think he should have put both of his balls in his mouth at the same time!".  It would have been the perfect crime

Coloccini might stay now, money related

Newcastle United have been trying to determine the future of club captain Fabricio Coloccini for the last few days after the defender revealed he wants to go back to Argentina as soon as he can, at any cost.  Then Newcastle told him how much it would cost.

Locking the Argentine in a negotiation room, Ashley and Pardeux adopted the classic good cop/bad cop routine in order to influence proceedings.  Pardeux went with the 'oh we really need you, relegation is really fun' line but it was NO DICE for Colo.  Sat back smugly in his chair he retorted "there ain't no way you guys be getting me to stay.  This cat don't play like that - I be gots ma own issues to be dealin' with holmes' but this only enraged Mike Ashley further, who then replied "either you pay us £7million out of your own money or you stay here" and then Coloccini went "yeh OK I think I'll just stay here, you're right relegation is fun."

And then Ashley was like "and if you do go, the only defending you'll be doing is defending yourself... in court!" and Coloccini said "I know, I see what you're saying, honestly I'll just stay".

And then Ashley was all "oh well if you do leave the only contract you'll be signing is a contract.... with prison!" and then Coloccini said "I don't think I'm going to prison for this.  Have you been watching a lot of Breaking Bad recently?" and then I said yes.

The End.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Man United want to deport De Gea

David De Gea isn't doing very well at Manchester United, especially since he cost more than a lot of Manchester, and now Alex Ferguson wants to eat him.

The ex-Aberdeen manager has decided that the best use of his Spanish goalkeeper might be as tasty hamburgers but now that it's illegal to eat human meat (damn you the government!) another option might be to replace him.  Roy Carroll, who used to play for Man United, said this:
"Once you make mistakes, people just never forget about it so I think as a young goalkeeper it's very hard.
"Manchester United are one of the biggest teams in the world and if you make mistakes the press are always on your case all the time - that's what happens at a big club like Manchester United."
And Carroll would know, because he once let in a goal from 50 yards that didn't count because.... it just didn't, and his reward was being sent to another country.  Then again that country was Greece and it's quite nice there.  In fact I am here right now, it's why I've done no updates for about a week.  Time magazine once described me as 'handsome and insightful'.  Mostly handsome?  Did I mention that David De Gea is shit?

Casillas and Ramos will leave if Mourinho doesn't

Jose Mourinho officially conceded the league title to rivals Barcelona and Atletico Madrid the other day because the club have found themselves some 15 points off the top.  The Real players are not happy

Club captain, Iker Casillas and his right hand man, Sergio Ramos have had quotes printed in MARCA, which is a Spanish magazine or something like that, and these quotes say that either Mourinho takes the high road or they'll be in Scotland before the low road.
I want him dead
Is something that they didn't say but because I don't speak Spanish I can't put actual quotes in.  Basically they don't like Mourinho and neither do most of the Real Madrid fans apparently.  I really feel for those fans as well.  Imagine going to watch a team full of some of the most incredibly gifted footballers in the world, having the chance to see Ronaldo play week in, week out and consistently being in the latter stages of domestic and European competition without fail, when people like me have to watch a 2-0 defeat against Kilmarnock in the snow.  In that sense, I can really relate.

Newcastle buy ALL of the (French) things!

Newcastle have completed the signings of Yoan Gouffran, Mapou (lol) Yanga-Mbiwa and most of the French league during this transfer window.  But they won't stop there!  They want ALL of the French players

I can't stop listening to that advert.  It's totally irrelevant but I just thought I'd share.

Anyway, Massadio Haidara, a Nancy left back is also rumoured to be about to sign, Moussa Sissoko has been linked repeatedly with Newcastle and it's now not even funny how much their scouting system relies on Ligue 1.

Football365 reported the 'capture' of Yanga-Mbiwa (above), which sounds a little racist to me but the Montpellier defender is a £6.7million signing who the Toon Army will surely hope is better than Mike Williamson.  If he isn't they plan to draw some eyes on a wheelie bin and put it on top of a remote controlled car.

Where once it seemed that Graham Carr had set up the most brilliant of scouting networks the game had seen in recent years, it now looks an awful lot like he just lives in France and randomnly suggests players he thinks are alright from the TV to Pardew.  It's either that or Pardew is getting Ultimate Team confused with real life.  THEY DON'T ALL HAVE TO BE FROM THE SAME LEAGUE MATE

Eden Hazard is sorry he kicked a ball boy in the ribs

Professional athlete, Eden Hazard, has officially apologised for kicking a 17 year old in the ribs while he was lying on the ground on international television.  Classy

The Belgian midfielder was fairly pissed off with the Swansea ball boy, who was deliberately helping to waste time and thus ensure safe passage to the cup final for the home team, and this is why he launched a savage attack on the boy.  "HE IS BUT A CHILD!" the crowd screamed, and well they might, for this brutal beast was sent back to his lair by the referee who immediately produced a red card following the incident.  Who knew that kicking children in the chest would be so ill received?  That's my Thursday night ruined.

If Luis Suarez had done this I honestly think they would have fast tracked the re-introduction of public hanging

Andy Goram abused by Celtic fans in Ladbrokes

Former Rangers goalkeeper Andy Goram has been enjoying his retirement from football by spending it in Ladbrokes being verbally abused by moronic Celtic supporters.

In this probably nsfw video, a man and his shaven headed mink friend sing songs to Goram as he attempts to play one of those machine things you get in the bookies.  He puts up with the banter quite well because the urge to punch these two in the face must be quite strong but thankfully he has answered the one question I was always burning to ask: "WHO IS IT THAT USES THOSE MACHINES?".

We got in touch with Andy Goram to see what he thought of the whole affair and he said "oh you'd have to ask Andy Goram about that"

Brooklyn Beckham might sign for Chelsea

David Beckham's son Brooklyn is 13 and WTF WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN

Beckham Jr has reportedly had a successful trial with Chelsea under-14s alongside Gordon Ramsey's son, Jack and so that picture above might just be recreated in a few years when Beckham is England manager and his three boys rule the midfield.  From The Mirror:
Back in 2006, when Brooklyn was just seven, former England skipper Becks said: “Brooklyn is the most amazing footballer.
"He managed 17 keepie-uppies the other day which for a boy his age is incredible.
“He’s showing great potential and I think he could go all the way. I’d love it if he played for England.”
Not that there's any pressure on him or anything.  "Son don't worry, whatever you choose to do with your life, I'll always be proud of you.  Unless it's not football, in which case I have no son and I will have you deported to a Mexican zoo.  Would you like that?  A Mexican zoo?  Yeh I think I would too. Do the giraffes eat Tacos?  Only time will tell"

Angel Rangel is an Angel Ranger (homeless)

Swansea City's Angel Rangel needs to fill the time in his life where he isn't playing football with doing good deeds, because back in his home country he is actually a well known super hero.  LET'S PROTECT THE HOMELESS

Back when it was snowing, generous Angel declared to his 24,000 Twitter followers that he had a lot of food going spare and wanted suggestions of the best places to visit to carry out some voluntary charity work.  Eventually he ended up in a homeless shelter since in 2013 no-one is actually homeless and I know this because I used to make £150/200 a NIGHT busking in Aberdeen and the "homeless" lived in a flat down the street from me, and the ones out in a sleeping bag on the weekend gave me shit for 'taking their business' even though they only came out at weekends.

Anyway.  I guess if you were pulled over by police while trying to lure homeless people into your murder van, quickly pretending you were trying to be charitable on Twitter is as good an excuse as any.

Colin Murray is dropped from MOTD2

I thought I quite enjoyed MOTD2 since Colin Murray started presenting it but then I learned that everyone else hated him and so now I have to as well.  Also he got dropped

The BBC have announced that Murray will be replaced at the end of the season by 'hilarious' up and comer, Mark 'Chappers' Chapman and the presenter was the subject of a particularly scathing article by some dude called Jonathan Liew in The Telegraph with comments like:
Watch Murray closely and you realise he never asks a question. Instead, he makes a statement intended to show he knows what he is talking about, and then stops talking. And then fails to listen to the answer. Not only is it irritating, it is bad presenting.
Nevin looked visibly irritated, and you can probably understand why. Murray is the boy who wants to play at Big Football, despite possessing very few of the tools for the job.
But that article is so entrenched with self satisfied smugness that I can't read it without trying to look at the screen grabs from Girl Next Door that I have open.  For uhhh..... research.

Coloccini has run away

Captain Fabricio Coloccini woke up from his drug induced state the other day and realised that he lives in Newcastle.  This is why he has run away.  Very far away.

Now on a mission to kill Bart Simpson, Fab has revealed that he has many 'personal issues' which need to be resolved by living somewhere not in Newcastle.  Argentina should do the trick because it's about as far removed from Geordie Land as you might imagine, and the defender had been hoping to facilitate himself a move to hometown club, San Lorenzo.  From The Independent:
"Finally, after long negotiations, we announce that Fabricio Coloccini will not join the roster of San Lorenzo," it read. "It is not possible to release the Newcastle player, and therefore the club will look for another alternative to strengthen the defence."
That put an end to Coloccini's dream of following his wife back to his native country and left the club captain trapped within the confines of a small North East town.  Or if you look at it another way, it didn't because he's just decided to leave instead.  Still under contract and therefore not at liberty to play for any other club until Newcastle release his registration, Coloccini has basically done what we all did at the age of 5 when we decided to run away and then got to about the end of the next street before realising that we hadn't packed the SNES.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

United go on Holiday: Buy Zaha

Wilfried is the next big English talent, according to stuff I've read and watched on YouTube. A few clubs have shown interest but he has apparently signed for Manchester United for £10m/£12m/£15m - delete as appropriate.

Zaha is a classic Man Utd signing - young, English, expensive and a winger - plus they already have the chants they used for Louis Saha which are easily transferable. It's been reported that Alex Ferguson took him out in the bright lights of London for cocktails, a romantic candle-lit dinner and then out dancing. Only once Fergie has put in the groundwork does he whip out his big fat contract.

While Zaha was being seduced by Sir Alex, the rest of the United players were dressed like utter fannies, on their way to Qatar.

Get it? It's funny because they are wearing Bugs Bunny pyjamas! United play Southampton next Wednesday and nothing prepares you for a cold January night, quite like a trip to the desert. Sometimes when I feel I need a break from the cold, I jump in my private jet and fly to Cuba. Then I wake up and drive to work in my Fiesta.

Jason Puncheon: He Went For a Sh!t

Tonight saw a thrilling 0-0 between Southampton and Everton. The best thing about the game was the "top bants" from the fans.

Jason Puncheon must have had too much caffeine at half-time, as he needed a break in the second half to nip to the toilet - queue the chants of "Jason Puncheon, he went for a shit". Judging by his reaction, he clearly did. After the game, new manager Mauricio Pocheitino said -
“But he was feeling a bit unstable and he had to rush to the loo"
Talking about shit, Everton were abysmal. Jelavic is starting to look like he belongs back in the SPL, or Division 3 if he fancies going back to Rangers. Perhaps Moyes is going to mix it up this year and be really good for the first half of the season, then shit for the second? Moyes is absolutely terrifying, if you stared into his eyes for too long you would spontaneously combust. If that didn't work, he would just headbutt you repeatedly until you broke down to the God particle - or the Messi particle as it's soon to be renamed.

Monday, 21 January 2013

Olympiacos sack their manager: Potential Adultery

Everyone was surprised by the sacking of Nigel Adkins. He appeared to be a very nice chap, seemed to have turned a corner, with regards to results with Southampton and even did that primary school teacher style goodbye note. There is nothing else to say about him so I won't, let's talk about Leonardo Jardim of Olympiacos.

Jardim hadn't lost a game all season, amassing 14 wins and 3 draws from 17 games. His side finished third in their Champions League group, just a point behind Arsenal and are currently ten points clear at the top of the league. So why did they sack him? This actually happened a couple of days ago but I only found out today. Only Greeks care about Greek football. I can relate, I'm Scottish - nobody outside of this frozen landmass gives a shit about our brand of punt-ball.

So why, dammit why! Apparently he was being intimate with the chairman's wife, and by intimate I mean inappropriate, and by inappropriate I mean he pulverised her pubic zone with his penis - which is certainly a good reason for sacking someone. I think it's sandwiched between murder and wearing crocs.

I guess we will never know if he really did Ashley Cole the chairman's wife, but it certainly makes for a better story.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Wenger and Ferguson - Gracious

Arsene Wenger and Alex Ferguson are well known for praising opposing teams and officials. Never do they seek out excuses for a poor result, except pretty much every single week. This week was no exception.

In some ways Manchester United were fortunate to come way with a point at Spurs. Dempsey scored an equaliser deep into stoppage time to rescue a point, which everyone agrees was deserved. Then again, if you  have the majority of possession and more chances, but still can't win a game - it's pretty much Gareth Bales fault. RVP did what he does and scored with his only real clear cut chance. Ferguson did what he does and got really angry with the linesman for not giving a penalty, for a "foul" on Rooney.
'It was a clear penalty, It was definitely a penalty. He has put his leg right in there. The linesman is facing it, I thought he had a very poor game, the linesman. I thought he was disappointing."
Charming. Gary Neville blamed it all on David de Gea for punching the ball with a fist limper than Dale Wintons. I would say that it's Alex Ferguson's fault, but not to his face as he would eat my eye balls.

Wenger was the warm-up act to Fergie, after watching his side lose 2-1 to Chelsea. The first goal by Mata, and what a fine goal it was, should not have stood because of a foul (it definitely was a foul) on Coquelin by Ramires. Then Ramires allegedly dived to win a penalty for goal number two - which Lampard "hit as hard as Stan Collymore hit Ulrika" -see below

"The referee gave a lot of free-kicks today, and some much less than the Coquelin one. It's frustrating."
In fairness to Arsene, he did accept that his team isn't good enough and even declared that they cannot afford to drop anymore points if they want to finish fourth. He should probably start with the defense. Sagna was allowed to have shit hair when he was good, but now he's awful and looks like a massive berk - it's time to sort it out. Mertesacker has a name that is a long and laborious as he is. In fact the spell checker just suggested that I meant to type "steelmaker" - that would be the perfect job for him.

Real Madrid: Fight, Make Up, Hump Valencia

Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo had a fight! Well not a fight, an exchange of words. A "heated" exchange, as the media like to say. Whatever was said, it clearly worked as Madrid destroyed Valencia in 45 minutes.

After the Copa Del Rey game against Valencia last week, apparently Mourinho accused Ronaldo of hiding for the last fifteen minutes - to which he replied
“I give my life for you and you are wrong to criticise me.”
"I give my life for you" - that is definitely the kind of thing Ronaldo would say, before storming off in a pink Lamborghini convertible.

Tonight there was no sign of Ronaldo being unhappy. He and Real completely demolished Valencia and were 5-0 up at half-time. The camera caught a few Valencia fans leaving, surprising in these harsh economic times - you need as many goals for your Euros as possible. Valencia were actually quite good in the second half but it was pointless by then. Imagine Saving Private Ryan if everyone died on Omaha beach?

Ronaldo was on for the perfect hat-trick but he couldn't get a third goal and actually missed a sitter from 6 yards out - which he blamed on Higuain because everything that goes wrong is his fault(I just made that up). Madrid will face Manchester United soon which will see Ronaldo going back to Old Trafford for the first time. There he will face up against the ageing legs of Evra, Ferdinand and Vidic, in what I assume will resemble that opening scene at Omaha beach but with more twisted limbs and screaming.

ACON: A new dance craze is born

Every now and then, a really fucking stupid dance craze takes the world by storm. We've had the locomotion, the macarena, gangnam style and potentially now the "bum bounce".

Congo are famous for gorillas but now they can add really stupid dances to that list. Congo were 2-0 down to Ghana, but managed to fight back and earn themselves an unlikely 2-2 draw. That is goalkeeper Robert Kidiaba celebrating the penalty that made it 2-2 in the natural way - bouncing along on your arse.

Apparently when I was a baby, it took me a while to master crawling, so instead I just shuffled around on my arse. Now I know the chances of a 36 year old Congolese goalkeeper stealing moves from a Scottish baby born in 1986 are slim, but strangers things have happened. Susan Boyle for instance.

I'll give it two weeks before you see some twat doing this at your local nightclub, and that twat could be me.

Sneijder joins Galatasary

Well Wesley went against what most people wanted and winds up in Turkey. He has signed for Galatasary, who definitely are not Liverpool or Manchester United.

Wesley is a great name, think of all the great Wesleys. Like Snipes and...anyway, he is only 28 and I'm struggling to understand this move. They probably offered him loads of money, but he would have received loads of money no matter where he went. The Turkish league is all tits up and up to it's balls in allegations of corruption and match-fixing.

Apparently he's a bit if a penis, which is a shame because he is a great player. He hasn't actually played for two months because he refused to take a pay cut. I can't fault him for that though, surely nobody would take a pay cut if they were offered it?

"Hey Fitba, do you want to keep doing exactly the same job but for less money?"
"By jove, that sounds marvelous!"

In reality you would let out a Nelson-esque laugh from the Simpsons and take an extra long poo at work that day.

Friday, 18 January 2013

Play the FIFA Drinking Game

It's Friday mother hubbards.  For those of you who plan on drinking lots of beer (RESPONSIBLY) before you go out on the smash over the weekend, here's how you do it with FIFA.

To play the game you require:

3 people minimum
A games console
FIFA of any generation
Beer and assorted alcoholic juice

Full football kit (mixed teams or sports is fine)
A house

2 people play each other
The 3rd is the "beer referee" who enforces the rules

Teams must be chosen at random. You get a maximum of three spins but you cannot go back to a previous choice (if you get Denmark on your 2nd spin and randomise to get a better team and get Dundee then it's your own fault)

The beer referee must order drink punishments when the in-game referee blows his whistle. Corners, goal kicks and throw ins are at the referee's discretion.

Committing a foul results in a 3 second drink. Yellow card is half your drink, red card is full drink.

Conceding a goal is a 3 second drink.


If your keeper can enter your opponent's half, your opponent must drink their beer until the keeper is dispossessed. 

If your keeper scores then your opponent must drink for the duration of the celebration.

If your opponent scores as a result of you taking your keeper into their half, you must drink for the duration of their celebration.

More rules, however random, may be added at the referee's discretion.

Those gay Russian footballers aren't gay

That article I did a while ago about two Russian footballers accidentally coming out through photos posted on the internet may have been slightly misleading and I say this because it was totally incorrect.  Ah well.

I found this on Reddit:
Sovetsky Sport (the newspaper): Judging by your photo sessions on Twitter, you had a lot of fun with friends during your vacation. But simpler people didn't understand your hugs with Pavel Mamayev.
Aleksandr Kokorin: It was funny to learn that some reacted to our picture with a question: "What sexuality are they?". My explanation: I know Pavel for a long time, since we were in school. We are rivals on the field, but friends in life. He's like my brother.
SS: Mamayev, I believe, captioned your photo with "I love him".
AK: Well, yeah. Like a brother.
SS: Then tell me, are you available?
AK: No, we are not. Pavel has a girlfriend, I have a girlfriend. By the way, they took those photos. We took photos of them as well. Just didn't put those ones online.
SS: The society exploded after looking at your pictures. Were you aware of the discussion that started?
AK: I had a lot to read. But we pretty much did not care. Why start a discussion from the other end of the world?
So what if they're not gay?  At least perhaps they made some other gay footballers reassess the fragility of their denial and with Lance Armstrong admitting that he used drugs this week, what better time to hang out your skeletons?  Is that even a saying?  I'd like it if people hung skeletons out of their windows.  It would be like I lived in Funny Bones and I'd be happy forever

Theo Walcott signs a contract

In the contract negotiation story currently gripping the nation, there has finally been a break through in Theo Walcott's talks with Arsenal.  Hallelujah!

With Theo being slowly turned into the striker he hoped he would be, Arsenal have decided to assume that he's going to turn out good and have awarded him a contract worth £100,000 a week.  That is quite a lot of money for someone who adds very little to a team other than running very, very fast and scoring off the bench occasionally but whatever.

Theo had already turned down a five year deal worth £75k a week in favour of the new one which is three and a half years long and with more money, but at least it means that the Gunners haven't lost one of their best players to Man City or Barcelona again.  Conversely it also means that they are going to have to pay Theo Walcott £100,000 every week.

That's like when you go to get your shopping and when you're walking round the aisles you realise you need dishwasher tablets, shower gel, razor blades and more frosted shreddies and that you don't love your wife anymore

Detective Shearer is on the case!

Alan Shearer has donned his best pipe and detective hat to conclude that Loic Remy's move to QPR may... possibly.... have been influenced somewhat by money.  DUN DUN DUUUUUN

The ex-Newcastle legend has been hot on the case after his club missed out on the almost definitely over-rated Remy and had this to tell the BBC:
"I would have a good guess financial things had a part to play. While I hope QPR get out of it, I find it hard to say he chose them over Newcastle."
There are lots of rumours that Remy's contract with QPR actually has a relegation release clause so at least Newcastle can buy him at the end of the season for less anyway.  That is if Newcastle even manage to survive this season and indeed Alan Pardew has put Mike Ashley on red alert that if they don't sign some players, they probably might also be relegated.

And if I were Mike Ashley I'd do anything he says, because how could you expect a team that finished in 6th the previous season to do as well the next season with the exact same squad?!  Why, that's like your work expecting you to maintain a client list since you managed to do it last week.  Just because this is an office doesn't mean I can't wear sunglasses, watch the Cosby Show and drink beer whenever I want, your majesty.