Monday, 31 December 2012

Demba Ba isn't going to Chelsea now

According to Sky Sports, Demba Ba won't be moving to Chelsea because they had an "unproductive meeting".  Or rather his representatives did


Having scored over 50% of Newcastle's league goals this year, you'd be inclined to think that they'd quite like to keep him at the club, but if the rumours are true, his representatives will now seek a better deal at some other place.  Sure it might seem a little greedy, and there's no confirmation on who these "representatives" actually are, so for all we know it could actually be Kermit and the gang just trying to negotiate a contract large enough to pay off the debt on The Muppets Studio.  And if Demba Ba really does want to be rich, he should just make a movie with them about that.

Paolo Maldini misses AC Milan, also hates them

Paolo Maldini is probably one of the best defenders of all time and a bona fide AC Milan legend.  Lots of people thought he'd become a great manager but he hasn't done that.  WHY?!


The retired Italian told Football Italia that he isn't actually quite as loved at AC as the entire world assumed:
I’d like to destroy this myth that I am ‘one of the family’ at Milan. They don’t particularly want me there. I feel bitter, but not just for me – also for everything we created together that has fallen apart. It’s the same sensation many of my ex-teammates have. I just want to give the magic back to Milan.
He also said some stuff about how he doesn't want to be a manager anywhere other than AC because he doesn't want to leave Milan, which kinda limits his options.  Specifically it narrows it down to one job, and that's a pretty tall order, as I know from experience.  Then again, maybe Paolo Maldini's CV is more suited than mine to work in Costcutter.  I just have to keep believing!

Newcastle will sign Debuchy

Newcastle United are finally about to sign Mathieu Debuchy from Lille, after not doing so in the summer.  How exciting


The right back, whose name makes me sing that Shapoopi song every time I hear it, but with his name instead, will sign a contract with Alan Pardew's team during the transfer window that is about to open, and all I can think now is 'poor Danny Simpson'.  He's going to become one of those players that you laugh when you remember them because you totally forgot that they existed, like Ronny Johnson or Oyvind Leonhardson.

These last few months must have been horrible for Danny while he waited for his inevitable replacement.  Like when your girlfriend texts that guy from her work all the time and then they go out for drinks together, and get married and have children and get a restraining order against you.  Just because I've never talked to her doesn't mean that I shouldn't be allowed to live in her shed

Brendan Rodgers is unwell, not dying

Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers couldn't attend Sunday's game against QPR because he kept pooping himself or he had a sexually transmitted disease.


Ho ho ho - what japes!  It's actually a parody account so don't get too excited but the reason behind the face touching manager's absence from the match is still not entirely clear to me.  Liverpool say he 'has a bug' but does this mean that he is ill, or does he actually have a giant bug that lives with him and he had to look after?  Maybe the bug is his arch enemy from another dimension and he has actually been having a battle to the death for several days, on top of a mountain, with swords and lasers.  It might sound stupid, but it's still more realistic than QPR not being relegated this year.  Here's their entry to next year's Grand Prix


It only cost £80billion to build as well

Arsenal might have signed Wilfried Zaha

According to some guy on Twitter who might be a footballer, Wilfried Zaha has signed for Arsenal, or is about to sign or is probably moving there.  This is solid gold reporting.


The Crystal Palace youngster has impressed lots of people who have the time to watch lower league football and has been regularly rumoured to be moving to a 'big' club for about a year.  Arsenal like signing young English players and so it adds up, especially when you consider this tweet:


According to tabs that I have open on my computer, Tom Soares is either a cute blue eyed teen that swallows, or an English player who used to be with Crystal Palace.  Whichever it is, all I know is that I have an erection

Demba Ba is moving to Chelsea

The latest twist in Demba Ba's new book called 'things that I did to make Newcastle pay me more money' sees our hero venture on a journey to Stamford Bridge to investigate the death of Fernando Torres.  BY BECOMING HIM!!!!

picture by nothingbutnewcastle.com
The Newcastle player has donned his best detective coat and magnifying glass to trace the steps of Chelsea's failing strikers and will attempt to step into their shoes and shine the light of goalscoring into their eyes, if new internet rumours are to be believed.  And if that doesn't happen he will simply sign a contract at Newcastle for £90k a week because no-one else is willing to pay £7million and then a subsequent £90k a week for something that might explode at any minute.  It's like hiring Abu Hamza as a luxury escort.  You could have had one with tits, you idiot

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Theo Walcott is really good now or something

Now that Theo Walcott is 23, and the same age as Thierry Henry when he started being a striker, he is finally being given the chance to prove that he has what it takes to be a leading goalscorer and that he isn't completely lame


The Arsenal winger/striker decided to show off his skills against Newcastle, scoring a hat trick as they finished 7-3 winners and now he'll be hoping that he can be paid a lot more money when the Gunners offer him a new contract.  This makes him happy as we can see here in Exhibit A

Exhibit A
Now, if you take a look at Exhibit B you will clearly see Theo working his way through about four different guys at once before lobbing the money shot right over another man's head.  And then if you look at the gif at the top of this article you'll see something which isn't his friday night.  WAAAAAAYYYYYYYY

Thursday, 27 December 2012

10 footballers with hot wives

I like football and I like romance.  Combine the two and you have 'fromance'.  And a list of hot girls guaranteed to draw in curious readers who only came here to read about football.

1. Peter Crouch (Abbey Clancy)

He looks like a broom that a Disney wizard brought to life yet he gets to stick it to Abbey Clancy who is really hot.  It's not really for me to say that smokin' hot girls like this wouldn't even give men like Peter Crouch a first, let alone second look, were he not a wealthy footballer, but if it were my place then I would say "yes, that is exactly why"


2. Francesco Totti's wife (I forgot her name)


Francesco Totti is an absolute legend and therefore deserves a lady friend that matches his ability as a player.  A football player that is!  Because Totti is married to this person.  Forever.  He's legally obligated to stay with this person forever.  What is it about that that you don't find insane?

3. Sylvie Van der Vaart


The first time I went to New York (with Jack actually), one day I went to that Abercrombie and Fitch place on 5th Avenue because they had a hot girl standing outside.  We walked around the rest of whatever the hell that shop is meant to be before I had to leave because I wanted to have sex with everyone in there.  They were so hot that it made me actually angry.  Would I go gay for some of the guys in there?  Almost definitely.  How do you even get that ripped?  I'm not sure but....WOH I mean Rafael Van der Vaart's wife is really hot.  That's what I meant.

4. Iker Casillas's wife


The Spanish goalie has just been dropped by Real Madrid for poor form but what isn't poor form is this lady who is called "something something" and blah blah blah and yadda yadda.  What I really want to know is, will it blend?

5. Mikael Arteta


Arteta's wife is a television hostess and model who comes from Argentina.  What first attracted to Mikael to his love wasn't just her awesome figure, her beautiful eyes or winning smile, it was really her personality and warmth.  Also her tits.

6. Victoria Beckham

A hot wives list would not be complete without the Queen of them all, Victoria Beckham.  


The former Spice Girl was probably the hottest one in the group and famously caused her future husband to play quite badly for Manchester United as he stayed up late to watch movies with her when they were younger, or whatever it is grown ups do together.  It's been so nice to grow up watching two giant celebrities share their love with the world and I almost feel like one of the family.  I just know I'm one of them too!  But seriously according to a court injunction I'm not allowed to tell her kids that anymore.

7. Alex Curran (Gerrard)

I couldn't decide whether Stevie G's wife is really *that* hot or not but then I thought "well I've put Posh Spice in there" and then I thought long and hard about it and put it to the eternal test: Would you tap that?



The answer is of course yes, but you'd put her to the back of the list.  You'd keep her on Facebook and chat to her when you have no-one else on the go.  Maybe you could talk about how horrifyingly sexist this article is?  Fun for all the family

8. Adriana Karambeu


Former France international Christian Karambeu was quite the player in his day but it's good to know he eventually found true love.  In the park at night.  YOU'RE MY WIFE NOW

9. Caroline Celico (Kaka's wife)


Even though Kaka might not be the same player he once was, at least he has Jesus in his heart and his wife Caroline living at home.  And when you think of it that way, he basically has someone who lives in his house for free and who only needs to offer companionship and occasional nudity to secure this accommodation.  In what way is that different to me being allowed to sleep in the national history museum?  Exactly.

10. Shakira Shakira

Gerard Pique plays in the best team of all time and gets to dance the sexy dance of love with Colombian starlet Shakira.  So he wins, basically.


The pop singer and Barcelona defender aren't married but they still live together which is pretty much the same thing these days.  When marriage was first invented it was basically a way for insecure guys to 'own' a woman and allow the girl to move out of their parents house and into their own.  It's basically slavery.  There's even a line where the girl has to promise to 'obey' the man at all times which I'm pretty sure is illegal.  The only thing to consider as a bad idea for the dude is that you have to bet half of your stuff that you aren't going to be bored with them after a few years.

It's like playing Career mode on FIFA, at first it's really exciting because you can start a whole new team, sign your players, enjoy all the ups and downs of a league season!  But then three years later you realise that playing against the computer is pretty pointless because you can't really laugh at the computer if you beat it in the last minute and you'll never be able to afford Lionel Messi no matter how long you play for.  And also you never wrote that movie you were supposed to and you could have been doing it this whole time rather than playing FIFA, you idiot.  Why are you still playing computer games?  You're 27 ffs.  GET A REAL JOB

And that concludes a list of hot footballer's wives.

Boxing Day sales jerks made the football late

QPR vs West Brom kicked off late yesterday because people desperate to save 10% on a jumper from NEXT which was marked up by 10% four weeks ago jammed the roads with their cars.


Steve Clarke's side had to sit in traffic for ages while their team bus navigated its way to Loftus Road, famous for that goal that Trevor Sinclair once scored.  Why is it that adverts for football always feature someone doing a bicycle kick when it's like the least common thing you ever see in a match?  Anyone who hasn't seen a game before is going to expect people to be leaping around doing gymnastics inspired dance moves when actually it's just Titus Bramble trying to molest your sister in a nightclub

David Villa is popular

David Villa broke his leg last season and lost his place in the Barcelona team.  Luckily for him lots of other teams remember how good he was!  Including Chelsea, who want to loan him


Barcelona have apparently already rejected an offer from Chelsea to loan the forward for the rest of the season and it looks increasingly likely they will only sell him if they really have to.  Michael Laudrup has already 'laughed off' suggestions that Swansea are trying to sign him, but I don't get why that's so funny.  If anything I'd say it was quite a serious matter, and I would know because I've spent the last three days wearing pyjamas and drinking alone.

Gareth Bale is quite good

Spurs absolutely destroyed Paul Lambert's Aston Villa yesterday and their main destructor was another than super ape, Gareth Bale, who everyone loves.


After scoring a hat trick against Aston Villa yesterday, AVB declared the winger one of the best players in the world:
"He is up there with the best," Villas-Boas said.
"He is showing tremendous skills and he is improving every day - he is such a young player - and helping the team. He is one of our major assets."
To be honest, Gareth Bale does it have it kinda easy coming from Wales and all.  The only thing that could ruin his growing reputation now is a scandal like if we found him dead from exhaustion, balls deep inside a farm animal.  Or basically any other normal night out in Cardiff.

Henning Berg is sacked

Blackburn have confirmed today that they have sacked manager Henning Berg after 57 days in charge.


The former defender managed to win 1 game out of an impressive 10 in charge of the club since taking over from Steve Kean, who had actually taken the team to the top of the Championship before he was booted out.  There's something hilariously insane about the Venkys and they way they've managed this.  They waited about a year too long to sack Steve Kean, and when they did he'd actually started to get it right so hired someone who looks like he runs an ice cream van.  A sexy ice cream van?  Only time will tell

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Berbatov is a cool mother hubbard

Dimitar Berbatov is a cool dude and he went one step further into awesomeness when he revealed this exclusive designer shirt after scoring against Southampton


I'm not really sure what this whole 'Keep Calm' thing is all about but it seems like some sort of hipster fashion bullshit so I know I'll hate it.  Or maybe it's like that YOLO thing that I only ever heard people saying they hated but never actually saw.  Either way I don't know how I manage to avoid all these things.  Berbatov wore the shirt which read:
Keep calm and pass me the ball
Because he likes having the ball and he is good at football.  It's a perfect match! Like me and any of the girls I try to phone on my way home from a pub.

Two of our videos made it onto some internet lists

Sometimes I wonder if it's really worth spending most of my free time making up songs about footballers and then drawing them but then I think 'if I don't, I'll have nothing else to live for and that is worse than death itself. Oh god why am I so lonely'.


The Lionel Messi nativity video made it on to Kick TV and the presenter is quite hot so that's a reason for you to watch that.  Then our friends at Copa90 put the John Terry video in their best channels of 2012 list, which is nice of them



Also you get to see those two hot girls from the Crystal Palace video in that one.  And that dude Chris Cohen is quite funny.

Thought you'd like to know.  OK cool see you later.

Demba Ba really likes money

The transfer window is about to open and so is Demba Ba's sexy minimum fee release clause of £7million - a fee so sexual that a few clubs are considering buying him in the hope his knee doesn't explode.  Clubs like QPR and Arsenal, apparently


Only the other day Harry Redknapp told reporters that he thought the QPR chairman had been getting done in by expensive transfer fees and ludicrous wages for players that only really care about the money so it's a good thing that he now wants to sign Demba Ba, who has been begging for more cash everyday for the past two seasons.

Newcastle are unwilling to break their wage structure and pay Ba over £70k a week like he wants but since QPR are already paying Jose Bosingwa £65k a week, this means that the Senegal striker can expect something like £4billion every week just to play football.  Now that may sound like a lot but that's because it is and I made it up.  Because I'm being silly.
 HAHA HA HA HAHAHA IM SO FUNNY HE WONT REALLY GET PAID THAT MUCH


Chelsea are deporting Lampard and Terry

Roman Abramovich is still super pissed at John Terry for not properly backing Andre Villas-Boas when he was struggling a little bit and for this reason he will not be offered a new contract Chelsea.  Frank Lampard is causing the plane to lean to one side as well so he has to go too.


Abramovich is really angry with the players who hold a lot of influence in the Chelsea dressing room and also hates old people so much that he doesn't pay them properly.  He offered Drogba a pretty low pay contract, Ashley Cole the same and now Terry and Lampard are set to be shipped out so they can earn their wages from some other sucker.  I told you this guy would never be happy even if he won the Champions League.  Can someone find him his fucking sled please?


Michu is good enough for Spain now

Buy of the season, Michu, is about to have his ridiculously good form rewarded with a call up to the Spain national squad for their friendly against Uruguay.


The striker, or midfielder if you are a Fantasy Football admin, only cost Swansea £2million last summer despite finishing his previous season in La Liga as the top scoring midfielder in the country.  Spain manager Vincente del Bosque has confirmed that he will feature in the next national squad so he will join probably the best national team ever as an equal.  Like that time I joined the Yo Yo squad and everyone called me gay

Raheem Sterling commits to England

Even though Raheem Sterling was born in Jamaica and grew up for a third of his life there, he has committed his international future to England, which is where he lives.


The Liverpool winger has just signed a new contract with his club but has put out the fires of a Jamaican switch rumour.  He said:
"It was a good thing for me to be called up and make my debut. That was obviously a dream come true. As a 15-year-old I can remember sitting at home and praying to get an Under-16 call-up, so to be getting a senior call-up a few years later was one of the best things that ever happened to me. So obviously I want to keep driving on and do a bit more. It's 100% going to be England from now on."
Sanka is said to be especially disappointed because he had hoped Sterling could provide that tricky edge to the run up to the track.  Do you get it?  Because Cool Runnings?  That film had the weirdest homoerotic undertone to it, in particular the growing love story between that mean, super built guy and Sanka.  I'm fairly sure they wanted to power drill each other.

Also, Sterling already has his own lucky egg


His own terrifying egg

Footballers are dedicated

While I was drinking a lot of gin on my own for the majority of yesterday, lots of footballers were working hard to prepare for their festive games today and whenever the next ones are.  Which teams?  These ones!


I like how Arsenal didn't train.  It's not as if they're trying to win anything anyway so the players might as well have enjoyed a lovely turkey dinner while Arsene Wenger drank himself to sleep on red wine and cursed the day that Thierry Henry left him for another man.....ager.  At Barcelona, I mean.  Arsene just kept wanting to stay in and watch dvds whereas Pep Guardiola liked going out for social drinks in expensive cocktail bars where everyone could pretend to like the no atmosphere and how a pint costs three times what it is supposed to.  Is my beer made out of gold?  You expensive cunts

Ashley Williams is free to kill again

It's boxing day!  A day that I assume has something to do with boxing, or maybe boxes.  One thing it doesn't have any connection with is cold blooded MURDER!


You are all probably aware of Ashley Williams attempted murder on Robin Van Persie last week and now you may all need to lock your doors because the Swansea defender might not receive any punishment at all.  Wigan boss Roberto Martinez has declared that he thinks Ashley is a really nice person and didn't mean to kill him, and this view is shared by Harry Redknapp and Alan Pardew.  And Brendan Rodgers.   So clearly the only thing we can take from this is that there is a conspiracy afoot to try and kill RVP so that the remaining members of the pact can get hold of their nazi treasure


I'm on to you Williams.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Some Christmas related videos we made

Christmas is ace because I can drink loads of wine and gin and I haven't even paid for any of it.  Here's a nice story about Lionel Messi:


And here's one about Carlos Tevez, based on Charles Dicken's classic Muppet script:


And then that time that Richard Gordon gave us a present


If a snowman asks you if you want to buy ecstasy tablets from him, don't.  You've already had enough

Merry Christmas


Sunday, 23 December 2012

Premier League Christmas Wish List


This took so long to write that I forgot to make it funny. Merry Christmas!

Arsenal

1. A trophy. It's been eight years, can we please win something? How do we enter the Scottish Cup? "Oh but we have no debt." Does anyone even care about that? Pretty much every club is in debt so you might as well win something.

2. A real goalkeeper and another centre back. Chesney Hawkes or the guy from Despicable are the options in goals. I'd rather have Goldberg from the Might Ducks. Vermaelen by donkeys and it's rubbing off on him (edit: I still have no idea what this sentence means).

3. Walcott to sign a contract and not be such a jerk.

Aston Villa

1. We just lost 8-0, not even Santa could sort out that fucking shambles.

2. Emile Heskey.

Chelsea

1. Can you please give Fernando Torres the power of running fast? He can now head the ball and even kick it! If you could just return his pace, everything will be OK.

2. Our fans to stop being such scumbags.

Everton

1. A striker! What happened to Jelavic? Last season he scored with every touch. This season he struggles to even touch the ball. The amount of times I have seen him completely miss the ball is incredible. It's probably about three times.

2. Fellaini to stay. Apart from his assault on Shawcross, he's been a machine. If he stays we could possible finish in the top...8? I have no idea if this is 1st or 3rd person.

Fulham

1. Can we throw that fucking Michael Jackson statue into a volcano? He's allegedly a paedophile and probably not the best inspiration for Damien Duff.

2. Berbatov and Bryan Ruiz to play more then two games together. Imagine the sexiness?

Liverpool

1. Can everyone stop laughing at us? Sure our manager is like David Brent and yes our fans don't understand racism but it's gone on too long!

2. Eternal life for Gerrard. Stevie G looks old and that is terrifying as he's probably our second best player. When he dies, we will have to replace him with Jonjo alien Shelvey. A terrifying prospect.

Manchester City

1. Stop being so shit in the Champions League. It's hard to be taken seriously outside of the UK when we are always so horrifically awful in Europe. We've spent about £1bn on players so it's probably about time to start beating teams like Ajax.

2. Get rid of Gareth Barry. He did scored  header today but we play so much better without that one footed crab bastard! Get a destroyer infront of the back four and get Toure further up the pitch.

Manchester United

1. Protect Robin Van Persie! That heathen almost took his head off today! He must not be hurt. If RVP gets injured, Shrek or that dude from Goal will need to start scoring more goals.

2. Buy a central midfielder, this has been going on so long that even Santa is bored of reading about it.

Newcastle

1. Please stop our players being inured all the time! We have a good team but it's tiny. Thank god we are covered up front, to think that a footballing titan like Ameobi starts on the bench shows our strength of striking options.

2. Defenders - Shooter McGavin is always injured, Sideshow Bob tries too hard because George McFly is terrible...figure it out.

Norwich

1. Don't let Delia near the microphone. We have finally lost a game and chances are we will probably start to free fall and get our arses spanked all over the festive period. Just don't let Delia Smith make a speech again. I thought I was going to die, it was that embarrassing last time.

2. Survive Christmas. We've just lost to WBA away but we are now at home to Chelsea, Man City and then away to West Ham. We must make sure that Grant Holt does not spend the whole time eating his weight in pigs in blankets, and actually scores a few goals.

QPR

1. BUY  A NEW TEAM. That is probably what Redknapp is going to do. QPR are full of overpaid asshole and triers like Jamie Mackie. If we are going to survive, we need an actual formation and players who have a position.

2. Taraabt proves that he's not that dick head at school who could do rainbow flicks and actually start to perform every week..

Reading

1. Survival. Weird, nobody really talks about how shit we are, yet we are bottom of the league.

2. A defense. Football is simply really, we concede two goals a game. Of course we always lose.

Southampton

1. Heal Lallana. We spent a disgusting amount of money on players for not much return. With Lallana injured, Ramirez needs to actually do something. He cost £12m, that's 50% of Stewart Downing and think how much he has accomplished.

2. Take advantage of Rickie Lambert's one good season in the top flight. Last season it was Grant Holt who was "bullying" defenders and making a reputation for himself. What we've learnt from Holt is that you only get one good season and then you get really fat and lazy.

Stoke

1. Try and do something, anything. It's so boring supporting Stoke, we will never be relegated but we don't do fuck all. Even when we got to the final of the FA Cup, there was no chance we were ever winning that game.

2. Tony Pulis, stop wearing a cap and a tracksuit. You look like a massive bell-end.

Sunderland

1. Therapy for our players. When they play against a better team, our players look terrified, Especially Adam Johnson. He just needs the power of belief and he could do anything, he could even complete The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

2. Another Steven Fletcher.

Swansea

1. It would probably be ungrateful to ask for any more. Michu for £2m last summer? That's digsusting...and ace.

2. Then again Christmas is a time to be selfish. Scott Sinclair to return on loan from Man City? He's played two games, great career move.

Spurs

1. To finish ahead of Arsenal. We don't like our North London neighbours because...you know...like they wear red or something. Anyway, Champions League is essential to hold on to the better players and actually improve the team, perhaps even replace Aaron Lennon?

2. We are Jewish so therefore don't believe in Santa, who is the Great nephew of Jesus or something?

WBA

1. Keep Steve Clarke. He may be getting balder and fatter but the fatter and balder he gets, the more powerful he becomes.

2. Extend Lukaku's loan. When things aren't going to plan, get the ball into the monster and he will destroy all in his path.

West Ham

1. Don't sell Carlton Cole to Juventus. All the big clubs in Juventus are after Cartlon Cole, if we want mid-table security, we must hang onto him. Wait, ignore me, for some reason I thought it was 2009.

2. Ensure the safety of Diame. You can't spell success without Diame, sudcicaemses. That probably means something in some language.

Wigan

1 I don't care. Can I have a Sega Dreamcast?

Harry Redknapp hates Jose Bosingwa

Harry Redknapp is the main man at QPR now and they'll probably avoid relegation now he's there.  Something else he'll be doing differently to Mark Hughes is not signing shit players and paying them £65k a week.


The melted wax work human has been quick to point out what an incredibly inept job Mark Hughes did at the club by reminding us that players like Jose Bosingwa shouldn't be getting paid more than Luka Modric got at Spurs.
"There are a lot of players at this club who earn far too much money," he said. "Far too much for their ability and what they give to the club.
I'm with you, Harry.  I live in Aberdeen and the amount of cunts up here who think they're Cool-Guy McGroovy because they get paid ££££££ is unbearable.  You live in a tiny metal tin for half of the year, you penis, I don't care if you have a suit.  Even Jose Bosingwa could do your job, but he won't because he doesn't like doing work.
"I fined a player last week and he was earning more than any player earned at Tottenham. You shouldn't be paying massive wages when you've got a stadium that holds 18,000 people.
"Newcastle holds 52,000 and most of their players will be nowhere near some of the wages some of the players are earning here."
And just incase you weren't sure that he hates Jose Bosingwa, who let me remind you, has been absolutely abysmal since about 1992, he said this:
"He didn't want to be on the bench and didn't want to be a substitute, so he went home," said Redknapp.
"He has been fined two weeks' wages, £130,000. Not too bad for two weeks - decent isn't it?"
Yeh it's not that bad I guess.  I would like it if we could put Jose Bosingwa in a tiny metal tin in the middle of the North Sea.  It would be like Jurassic Park but less dangerous.

Mourinho's middle name is danger

Jose Mourinho has vowed to carry on as Real Madrid after they lost yet another game in La Liga to leave the team 16 points behind Barcelona.  He's living life on the edge!


Real expect quite a lot of their managers and despite the fact that he won the league with them and a couple of cups, Mourinho still hasn't set the club as the greatest in the land of Spain.  That title belongs to Barcelona, who are much better.  Barcelona also don't drop Iker Casillas before games:
"At the moment, for me and my coaching staff, Adan is better than Iker," Mourinho said. "We have been struggling in a number of areas, one of those has been defence. The coach analyses who is in the best situation to play and chooses his team and that is what I have done.
"You [the media] can invent what you want but it's purely a technical decision."
Yeh, if by technical you mean 'a really easy way to wind up everyone'.  Casillas was the captain of Spain when they won the World Cup and both Euro championships so I guess it's probably quite hard to motivate him, unless you have a table full of drugs, expensive European prostitutes and Kingpin on DVD.  But no!  They "don't teach that at manager school" anymore.   What is this?  The 80s?  I can't work here anymore

Newcastle want 3 players

Alan Pardew is desperate for everyone to not hate him now he has an eight year contract and has told Mike Ashley that the club needs to sign three players.  WHO WILL THEY BE?!!


The Newcastle manager told the BBC:
"I need a couple of players in this group, and maybe even three, whether we can get them here, on a financial front, remains to be seen."
 And now the guessing game begins.  I think they will sign Ronaldo and Jon Dahl Tomasson because they are both very highly rated.  The other player they are believed to definitely sign is Loic Remy who looks like that guy above, mostly because he is that guy.  I had no idea what Remy would look like but I was sure he'd be white and have short black hair.  How racist of me.

Liverpool are going to sign Daniel Sturridge

Chelsea striker Daniel Sturridge is set to have a medical at Liverpool ahead of his transfer there which is definitely going to happen.  Did I mention that he's moving to Liverpool?  Because he's having a medical there.  Daniel Sturridge I mean.


The England forward is going to fix all of Liverpool's problems by joining Luis Suarez up front in January with a fee for his transfer believed to be around £12million.  Life in this new city will treat him well as he finally gets a chance to play up front and not on the wing, since he hates that and it's in his contract.  It's like if you go out on a date with a girl and before you have a drink you make her sign something that says you don't have to ever go to topshop with her on your days off.

Robin Van Persie could have been killed

Manchester United drew 1-1 with Swansea today but if that wasn't enough to give you an erection, then a player almost murdering RVP might!  Wait I mean what the I don't even


The delightful Dutchman was lying on the floor at the end of the match when dastardly Swansea defender, Ashley Williams, decided to take revenge for his team's lost points.  He launched a deadly assault on the striker by kicking a ball very hard at his head:
"Robin van Persie is lucky to be alive. It was a disgraceful act from their player," Ferguson told BBC Sport.
He should be banned for a long time because that was the most dangerous thing I've seen on a football field for many years.
"It was absolutely deliberate. The whistle has gone, the game has stopped and he has done that right in front of the referee, he could have killed the lad. 
Bloody hell Ashley!  What were you thinking?!! I haven't even seen this incident yet but I know he's guilty.  In fact I'm pretty sure he should be sent to space jail where all of the evil criminals of the world go.  That's where my Dad went :-(

Saturday, 22 December 2012

BBC Sportsound presenter gives us a christmas present

Our good friend Richard Gordon from BBC Sportsound dropped by to give us a Christmas present the other day


And we filmed it.  What a coincidence!

Friday, 21 December 2012

12 players with Christmas related names

Some footballers were born with Christmas spirit because their name is so festive.  It's like how some people are more likely to become a dentist if their last name is dentist, or how if your name is Dazza you are destined to be a bell end.  Here are some names of players who have Christmas related names!

1. Roque Santa Cruz



The forgotten man likes to deliver presents all over the world but has recently only delivered presents very occasionally in training.  In his defence he is paid a lot of money to sit at home and play Call of Duty instead of working really hard so I can't blame him.  I have no idea where this guy is right now.  He could honestly be dead.

2. Santa Cazorla


This cheeky scamp is about the only player Arsenal have now that I would actually want to pay to watch.  Maybe Jack Wilshere and possibly Walcott as well, but otherwise I don't care.  "Hey do you want to go and see a team with Per Mertesacker in it?" "no"

That's how the conversation goes usually

3. Alex Advent-Calendar


Alex Advent-Calendar is maybe the only other Arsenal player I would pay to watch.  That is unless you take this out of a football context and are allowed to watch people run over Gervinho in their car.

4. Ashley Coal


Ashley Coal is so named because he has been a naughty boy!  He cheated on the darling of our nation, if you remember.  OH POOR CHERYL they cried and well they should, because I would crawl through the Shawshank tunnel to get a chance to fuck her.  Then again, perhaps she, like all women, is batshit mental and he couldn't handle any of her nonsense anymore.  "BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO STAY IN AND WATCH THE PROPOSAL :-(" she texts and then you have to bail on your friends who are having actual fun, to instead keep her happy and have pretend fun.

5. Juan Pablo Angel


He is now the angel of New York because he plays for a team there and his name is Angel.  Like that dude from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that got a spin-off show.  He was played by David Boreanaz and if you can work out how I remembered that then please send a postcard with a bomb attached to it to my house

6. Danny Elves


Danny Elves has been practising his rocket boot runs up and down the right hand side of Barcelona's team for a long time now but that's not his only skill!  He can also mass produce presents for no pay at the request of his master.  (he works for Primark)

7. andy christmas carroll


His last name is Carroll

8. Gareth Barry from Eastenders


Because panto season is as relevant to Christmas as any mention of religion.  Do people still really believe in this stuff?  I'm allowed to say Merry Christmas because I'm not a terrorist but that doesn't mean that I think the excuse that 'God got me pregnant' is a valid way to get out of cheating on your husband.

9. Edin Dzeko the halls


Edin Dzeko likes to go round houses singing Christmas songs like his favourite, Bosnian classic 'Kill all of the persons':

'I kill the most friendliest persons
in my home i am the king
but you should never doubt my power
because I will have you killed'

it's very popular*


*I can't remember if he's from Bosnia or not

10. Demba Ba humbug


Demba Ba has been trying to engineer a move for himself for the last few months as he seeks a large pay rise to spend on his 0 friends.  "You boy!  What day is this?"  "Why this is the final day of contract negotiations and we aren't paying you more than 70 grand a week" "fuck off"

11. Paul mince pies


Paul Mince Pies has been spending his time away from the game reading books on football management and devising a tactic so powerful that just to mention it on here would cause your laptop to set fire and you would then have to break it in half and throw it in the bin before anyone else could have a look.  It's just one of the many excuses that the guy from the Lost Prophets gave last week

12. Wayne Rooney the red nosed reindeer



Good old Wayne Rooney will take part in Christmas this year by enjoying some reindeer games and helping out ol' Santa to deliver gifts to children, by trespassing on the roof the building and forcing entry into their home.  Also he plans to score goals.


SOCCER!



wat is reindeer games