Friday, 31 August 2012

It's officially TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY

And you know what that means!


It's the greatest day in the world.  Tell me all the transfer rumours that you have heard!

All of them nonsense.  I saw Warren Barton in the BP garage.  HE BOUGHT PETROL

Edit: We're about to hit 1million YouTube views!  Tell all your friends!  Join us on Facebook!  Add us on Twitter!  Let's all have a PARTY

Thursday, 30 August 2012

Arsenal have 'Cabaye' available to buy in the club shop

Arsenal may have let slip a transfer deadline day surprise by letting people choose 'Cabaye 17' as the name they can have on the back of their team shirt.


The only thing surprising about this list is that they even bothered including Andre Santos on it.  Who would ever want this name on their shirt?  The only reasons I can think of for getting it would be that you either think it's funny, are being an ironic football hipster, or you are Andre Santos.  Even then you'd probably want to get Cabaye instead.  He must turn up for games and go "aww man I have to be Andre Santos again?!"

edit: this is almost definitely a photoshop so don't get too excited

Neymar might be bankrupt already

Neymar is a player destined for football super stardom.  He already has a weird metal statue of himself, and fans have tattoos of his face on their body, but what you didn't know is that he also might be bankrupt.


According to newspaper reports in Brazil, Neymar has been living slightly beyond his means by buying yachts, mansions, flats, penthouses, porches, more houses and also paying for child support despite earning about $10million less a year than reports suggest he think he does.  One rumour is that Santos are actually kinda encouraging the behaviour so he has no choice but to stay with them, like a gang might do when you owe them money for drugs.  Or for kinder eggs.  Those things do me in, man.  I just need one more crazy croc.  Just one!!!!  I swear I'll get off them after that

Man City are going to sign Scott Sinclair

Scott Sinclair was an absolute beast on Football Manager a couple of years ago and it turns out he's also quite good in real life.  So good in fact that Man City have agreed to sign him for £6.8million


The England and Team GB forward will leave his starring role at Swansea to take Adam Johnson's place on the bench.  It's a very exciting job but someone has to do it, and to be honest I wouldn't mind being paid 100s of £1000s a week to play Tiny Wings while I sit next to Mario Balotelli talking about tits.  At worst he'll have to play a game in the FA Cup or an occasional reserve game and at best he gets paid a shit load for doing absolutely nothing, and earning money is basically the only reason he's doing that anyway.  Not like me - I do this site out of pure love because I really enjoy having no spare time.

Please buy a t-shirt.  Here

Robert Green is annoyed, might quit QPR already

Robert Green was looking forward to his new career at QPR, leaving West Ham for the opportunity to join Mark Hughes' ambitious side.  And then they signed Julio Cesar who is much better than him.  So he's annoyed


The England goalkeeper is (according to the Sun) quite eager to quit the club after only playing 3 games because not only are they absolutely terrible, but he won't even get a game now.  Mark Hughes' plan seems to be to buy as many players as he possibly can, especially if they are really old (there are no under 22 players in the first team) and then hope that that somehow works and now poor old Rob has to sit on the bench.

It's like leaving your girlfriend because this other girl is really flirty with you, and she's slightly hotter and new so it seems like a good idea, but then you meet up and say you're ready to get down 'to business' and it turns out she's just like that with everyone.  So now I'm just on my own.  Uhh I mean my friend is.  I've never done that before

Celtic players are hilarious

If there's one thing Celtic players love it's a bit of banter!  Oi oi!  That's why they covered Mohamed Bangura's car in post it notes


In fairness it's actually quite funny if only for the fact it must have taken fucking ages to do.  It reminds me of one day at uni when I thought it would be a good idea to duct tape my flat mate's door shut and I ran out of tape, so started using masking tape and about half way through he opened the door, asked me what I was doing , then went back inside and kept playing counter strike.  

Later that week he told me a story about how once he had to punch a komodo dragon to death and eat it because he and his platoon were on a survival test mission while he was in the Singapore army.

He was pretty cool.

Spurs sign Mousa Dembele

Spurs completed the signing of Mousa Dembele yesterday for an UNDISCLOSED FEE which is lame. I'm going to guess £10million


The Belgian midfielder will join up with his Spurs teammates before TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY mayhem begins and it's kind of a shame he's left Fulham, because now they're shit.  With Dembele they at least had a player capable of running half the pitch on his own, and even Man United looked quite scared of him the other day, but now they have to rely on players like Damien Duff and Aaron Hughes.    That's like going to the cinema to watch clips you recorded on your phone which were meant to be photos.  Or something like that.

Lionel Messi vs shark vs lion

Lionel Messi has a lot to do with this video, so I hope you enjoy it, because I wrote it in my sleep 2 nights ago and it meant I was exhausted when I went to my real job, because I couldn't sleep until about 3am because I was singing it in my head.


And now you've watched this you'll understand what a wasted talent I truly am


p.s go and up-vote it on Reddit please.  There's only Barack Obama to stand in our way.  Or just post it everywhere.  I'm really impatient

Theo Walcott likes contracts

Theo Walcott had a chat with Arsene Wenger today and that was football's biggest talking point. HOLY FUCK


The Arsenal winger/striker wants some more money, or rather his agent wants some more money and so is holding the Gunners to ransom for about £100,000 a week, according to newspapers and people like that.  I had such nicer thoughts about Theo until all this - he struck me as the kind of player who would turn up for a contract negotiation wearing a nice suit and be terribly polite about the whole thing.  "Oh I'm so sorry, I would just really like it if I got a teency bit more money, sir!" whereas his agent is just all "pay me money you dicks".  I've totally run out of steam with this one.  If I'm honest, I only thought I'd do about 4 posts tonight because I've been drinking since I got home from work and I can't really remember what I've written so far.  At least all of this will be a surprise for me in the morning.

Real Madrid win the Super Cup

Real Madrid just beat Barcelona 2-1 in the second leg of the Spanish Super Cup to win the Spanish Super Cup, in the final of the Spanish Super Cup.


Ronaldo and co held off Tito Vilanova's side for most of the game, with their only goal coming from a Leo Messi free kick.  Best player in the world and he only scores a free kick in a cup final?  Uhh whatever.  I scored like 10 goals last night playing 5 a side and I wasn't even trying.

I think Higuain scored and also Ronaldo too but the only thing I really cared about was how the guy Tito is pretty much screwed whatever he does.  The commentator on Sky Sports already pointed out that he doesn't have the 'magic touch' of Pep Guardiola but obviously he can't, because magic is distributed equally amongst the class.  Like my old P.E teacher used to say, when he raped us

Charlie Adam might move to Stoke hahaha ha ha

Charlie Adam is the subject of a £5million bid from Stoke, which personally I find hilarious because he's terrible.


New Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers doesn't seem to think the Scotland midfielder is that good and is willing to listen to offers for the midfielder just to get rid of him.  This is the same guy that everyone was chasing about a year ago when he was worth £15million because he'd scored some free kicks, so the drop in value is quite substantial.  He doesn't have to go of course, and why would he when he's probably on the most lucrative contract he'll ever get?  This is like when He-man left Castle Greyskull to live in Stoke.

I don't like Stoke

Stephen Warnock's wife is clever, maybe not

Stephen Warnock isn't really in Aston Villa's plans at the moment, and this may or may not have had an impact on his wife who tweeted "How's Villa getting on?" while Villa were losing 3-1 to Everton.  The internet went berserk

from the Birmingham Mail

Upon her innocent tweet, football fans - who as we all know are the most intelligent section of our society - reacted as any half ape would, by sending her lots of abuse.  Perhaps she was on the wind-up, I don't care.  Laura Warnock claims she was simply trying to find out the score because the easiest way to do this was tweet it and then wait for someone to reply, and just trust that reply from a complete stranger, rather than check ohhhh..... I dunno, the rest of the fucking internet.  When you start taking advice from and accepting statistical information from 12 year olds, it's time to stop playing FIFA all day and try and get a real job

WAT

QPR sign Julio Cesar

QPR have signed someone actually good, in the form and shape of now ex-Inter Milan goalkeeper, Julio Cesar.


The Brazilian SHOT STOPPER has signed for Mark Hughes' side on a four year deal, meaning he will be there until he is 36 because he is 32.  According to the new rules of football, 36 is basically that year where a goalkeeper starts being properly ace so this will benefit everyone when he abandons the sunken ship that Mark Hughes has left behind, riding off in to the distance watching his now ageing boss slam the ground in frustration, cursing the giant stone head of Shaun Wright-Philips.


Berbatov is signing for Fulham definitely. maybe

According to a rumour I read by a stranger on the internet, Dimitar Berbatov had a medical at Fulham on Wednesday evening and is going to sign for £5million.


The sexy Bulgarian is apparently about to sign a contract with the London club for a bargain price, if this guy on the internet is telling the truth.  Apparently he knows some coaching staff that have all but confirmed it, and also I've just seen some other football websites report it so I guess it must be true.  Perhaps this is how all transfers come about - one random site suggests an interesting rumour, the media gets hold of it, and eventually both parties give in and just go with it.  And on that note, tonight I had sex with Kelly Brook, or maybe tomorrow.

Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Brazilian boy with no feet trains at Barcelona

There's a lovely story going around today that an 11 year old Brazilian boy with no feet has earned a place in Barcelona's summer training camp.  I didn't even get to play for my Primary School and I have two fully working legs.


Gabriel Muniz was born without feet yet still has skills good enough to warrant a place on the training camp, which I think is quite a nice thing to know.  Here's the BBC link to watch a little clip about it.

Ace.  He got a pretty bum deal, made the most of it, didn't complain and after getting his story on the TV, was invited by officials at the club to train with them, because they were so inspired.  So what I've learned from this is that if my legs were to 'accidentally' come off, and I got a news story about it, I might get to meet Lionel Messi?

They'll grow back, right?


Adam Johnson is exciting

Martin O'Neill is really excited about his new signing Adam Johnson, who he says the Sunderland fans will find really exciting.  In other news, Sunderland signed Adam Johnson.


The England winger left Man City on a four year deal for an UNDISCLOSED FEE which is really annoying, because I desperately want to know.  If they had just said it was like £10million give or take, I'd have gone 'meh that's alright' but now it's UNDISCLOSED I absolutely HAVE to know.  What are they hiding from us?  Is it DRUGS?

Maybe.  Case closed, your honour.


Surgeons stunned by Rooney's leg cut

Professional doctors have apparently been stunned by the severity of Wayne Rooney's leg, gasping "OH MY GOD THERE'S AN APE ATTACHED TO THIS LEG" ha aha ha.  They didn't really say that.



The Manchester United striker had to go under anaesthetic for surgery on his leg which is remarkable if only for the fact that I spelt that word correctly, first time, with no help from my computer.

I'm not going to bore with you details about the surgery because they are totally gross.  If I wanted to know about the intricacies of stitching someone's leg back together I'd have checked on that guy I ran over earlier, but instead I drove to Tesco and bought some crisps because crisps are delicious.

Some player sacked for something Facebook related

Facebook is terrible and I hate it but not as much as Adam Bygrave who's been sacked for being a prize cock on it.  I hope this catches on.


I don't think I hated it before EVERY cunt was on it, but yet again the morons have taken hold of something and ruined it.  It's an easy argument to make that social networking gives a voice to those who would never normally be heard, and it's an argument I can defeat by giving you an example of what this kind of person tends to say:
"I deeply regret comments that I have loaded onto my Facebook page over the last 12 months.
LOADED?  Urghrhghghghg.  This isn't the stuff that's got him sacked by the way, it's stuff I can't find on the internet but I'm sure if you look hard enough you'll find it.  The 23 year old apologised to his club, Farnborough, who play in the Blue Square Premier:
"As much as I totally accept that they are inappropriate and will offend many people, I believed I was just repeating banter and jokes from numerous sources.
"I am involved in a private family dispute that has racial and disabled implications of which led to some of my actions and although this is no defence, there is always two sides to a story.
"Nevertheless I accept the severe punishment handed out by the football club as I have left them with no option, I hope people will accept that I have made a mistake, and just because I have posted comments of this nature, it does not mean that I believe in them.
 So now he's a free agent.  Free to do whatever he wants - find a new club, train really hard, become a superstar and win the world cup, or go slut hunting Facebook on his phone.  Which was it's only real purpose before your relatives started going on it.

Dennis Wise wants a job

Loveable scamp Dennis Wise has applied for the Coventry City job.  I wonder where Darren Huckerby is


For those of you who don't remember, Dennis Wise was basically about as hated as Joey Barton, slightly more controlled, and an almost cartoon drawn example of someone with 'Napoleon syndrome'.  It wouldn't matter if you were a bear - if you did something he didn't like and made him look stupid, he would try and cause physical harm to you.  And I mean a literal bear, not like the manly gay in the relationship.  That makes running away from one in the woods all the more rapey if you confuse them.

Monday, 27 August 2012

Michael Owen is super sad and lonely

Poor little Michael Owen is so lonely and sad.  He just wants some friends to play with but still no-one has asked him round.


The striker took to Twitter to say:
I hope this is the last weekend I have to watch football on TV. Desperate to get back into it.
 And then I assume cried into his wine while staring at pictures of horses.  I dunno, maybe he didn't.  It seems like Stoke want to sign him but if I'm perfectly honest I think I'd rather punch my own family to death than have to hang out with any of the scumbags that play for that team.  And I really hope the police think that's as good an explanation as I do.

Doncaster Rovers will win a Bentley maybe

Doncaster Rovers player Kyle Bennett says he has been promised a Bentley if he scores over 20 goals this year.  Which is nice.


The chairman of Doncaster told the midfielder about the special offer after his team's 3-0 victory against someone else but he says it's not going to get 'carried away with the offer'.  The Bentley in question is worth £50,000 so that must mean they don't earn very much playing for Doncaster.  This reminds me of my old job when I worked in an ice cream shop when the boss told me that she'd give me a handjob if I sold loads of ice-cream that day.  Thinking about it now, she might have said she'd give me 'a hand with a job', because there were deliveries and stuff there.  Still, at least she got to see my penis, and that is the greatest gift of all.

Steven Fletcher signed for Sunderland

I totally missed this one.  Steven Fletcher signed for Sunderland the other day.  For £14million


Martin O'Neill signed the 25 year old on a four year contract in the hope that he can score the goals that drive the North East club up the table, and I hope that he maybe scores a few goals because he's Scottish, and we have to stick together.  Also I just realised he's a year younger than me and that is just so retarded that it makes me want to die.


I got ID'd for buying air freshener once, whilst carrying the keys for the pub I was in charge of that night.  This guy looks like he had a paper round since he was 4 years old.  In Iraq.  Or just Scotland I guess.  He looks older than he is, is what I'm trying to say.

Joey Barton is sad, moving to France

Joey Barton is down in the dumps just now because no-one likes him.  It's not his fault he loves fighting people!  Luckily French people love him, or maybe they don't.  He might move there anyway



According to newspapers or Twitter (I think they may already have merged) Joey wants to move to Marseille.  I can't tell if this is because they've made an interest in the midfielder clear, or he just thinks France will be cooler to fight people in.  "What's that Frenchy?  YOU WANT A SALMON SLAP ROUND THE FACE?"

SALMON SLAP!!!


"Non!  Non miseour!  S'il vous plait Joey"

HA HAH AH

SALMON SLAP X 2

And Marseille might sign him because QPR hate him.  They hate him so much that they took his number away, sent him on loan to some shitty Division Two team, and won't even answer his phone calls.  It's like when you're so scared of your girlfriend you decide that hiding in the house and pretending you aren't there while she batters on the door is the best answer.

And you wait and wait, but you realise that she can see the light is on so she knows, so you answer the door.  And you know what happens then?








SALMON SLAP

GOAT PATROL

sorry 

Real Madrid sign Luka Modric

Real Madrid have just unveiled Luka Modric as their new player.  Like now.


The Croatian is heading over there for £35million and I know that because I just made it up.  It sounds about right though and I'm going to guess it's a 5 year contract and he's getting paid a lot of money.  I should probably be a wizard or one of those fortune teller people or something.  It was either that or be a doctor, and all they do is make people sad. "I'm afraid you're going to die" or "we're going to have to remove your leg" are much less fun than just guessing who they might get shagged by next.  The fortune teller bit doesn't even brighten up their day.  I'm an entertainer, man - if you invite me to your hospital ward, don't complain when I try and make someone happier and horny.  And if I just break in anyway and do it you still shouldn't complain, because it's really damaging to my court case.

Some Hearts players got stuck in a lift

Hearts drew with the mighty Aberdeen this weekend but that didn't stop them getting stuck in a lift!



David Templeton and Andrew Driver both got stuck in a lift at what I assume is Pittodrie or their hotel and Ryan McGowan found it particularly hilarious.


The most terrifying thing about being in a lift isn't the fact that it could refuse to open and free fall drop you to your doom, it's the deafening silence when you are in the lift with just one other person and you don't want to talk to them.  Just the thought that they might say "how's it going" cripples me with fear.  It's a bit like when you're urinating and someone comes and stands directly next to you and starts trying to make conversation.  How am I supposed to pee if you're talking to me?!  It's even worse when you combine the two situations.  And it's a security guard.

Look, if they don't want you doing it in a lift, why do they put mirrors everywhere?  Exactly.

Sunday, 26 August 2012

The Liverpool behind the scenes documentary looks cool

Liverpool allowed an American film crew to follow them around for the last while, specifically since around about the end of last season, and now they've released some secret footage!  Like this bit where Brendan Rodgers is cool


In this scene we see Brendan Rodgers talking to his Liverpool squad like they are a failing classroom full of neds that think knowing things and education in general is pointless when simply selling drugs and kicking things earns you more money.  He has a go at Raheem Sterling for being a mouthy jerk without ever raising his voice and he just looks pretty cool.  He's definitely better than me at football managing because according to FIFA and Football Manager, my team talks just sound like 'FUCK YOU EVERYONE YOU'RE ALL CUNTS' and they lose.  And then I drink lots of wine.

Did I mention that I had a lion bar today?  It was delicious

Arsenal are going to buy everyone

Arsenal are going to buy Cheick Tiote, some other African midfielder and Ibrahim Afellay, according to some newspapers I don't read:


Do you get it?  Because he looks like Mr T.

Alex Song and Tiote both play in midfield so that's where that rumour comes from, and for about £15million Wenger is expected to try and lure the midfielder into his fun house where goals are remembered like summer tear drops.  The other dude is called Mapou Yanga-Mbiwa, a man who I know so much about that I copied and pasted his name in order to remember how to spell it.

Ibrahim Afellay plays for Barcelona occasionally and I expect he's just being linked to the club because his agent really wants some money, and to stop having to watch reserve games so he can pretend he cares how well he played.  "Yeh, you were really good" is probably what he says after those games.




Wayne Rooney cut his leg

Wayne Rooney is to be put down after 27 loyal years because he fell while trying to jump over a fence and also because Hugo Rodallega cut his leg open by standing on it.


The Fulham player did something to Rooney that I haven't seen yet because I haven't watched Match of the Day, but it was probably quite painful.  If you have seen it then you'll know what happened so I don't need to write it down - all you do need to know is that he isn't going to play for about 4 weeks while his body 'mends itself'.  Oh yeh sure, so I guess Man United's doctors are wizards now?  If Wayne Rooney's leg came off I don't think I'd be surprised if he just grew a new one to be honest.  Or I guess he could buy a new one and selotape it his head.  I mean body.

I miss Ronaldo

Clint Dempsey and Martin Jol hate each other

Clint Dempsey has taken 'TRANSFER WARS' (c) up another notch by playing the 'I'm not talking to you' card.  This card is a risky one to play so close to the beginning of the season maybe.  I don't really know what I'm talking about


Dempsey wants to move to Liverpool and is annoyed that Fulham haven't just caved into his demands and let him leave immediately for free.  Martin Jol doesn't want to sell him because he's good at football and that's about as complicated as this gets.
“I asked him to come in my office and he doesn’t want to talk so it is a very awkward situation. 
“The only thing is we kept everything behind the curtains so nobody knew but this situation is as it is for the last five weeks.”
To be fair, I don't blame him for not wanting to go into Martin Jol's office.  He looks like he'd try and tell you stories about his shed while telling you about the great meal he had in this restaurant the other night.  "It wash called nandosh I think - very delishioush"


David Beckham scored a corner

If there's one thing the world agrees on, it's that whole Palestine and Israel thing.  If you still haven't chosen a team yet, simply enjoy the wonderful skills of David Beckham, who still does awesome things like this:


The England legend and current LA Galaxy midfielder took a CORNER from the LEFT HAND SIDE of the pitch and the GOALKEEPER punched it in his own net.  So it's not really some amazing goal that will change the world, it's just some retard goalie splaffing a ball into his own net, punching his own teammate in the fact whilst doing do and then going home ashamed.


My favourite bit of commentary in ISS 64 was 'He's taken it with his...... RIGHT FOOT'.  I remember it so well


Rangers are embarassed

Rangers drew 1-1 with Berwick Rangers today.  There is nothing I don't find utterly hilarious about that.  Ally McCoist liked it too!  Oh wait, he hated it.


Sevco United, as they are now known, made the journey to wherever Berwick is assuming they would win, because that's what Rangers do.  They've even got a star by their badge pre-empting a future trophy win, if you needed any more proof that they are ambitious.  I don't need that proof, because Ally McCoist has said that he intends to sign a load of players who are good enough to get them out of the Scottish Third Division.  Otherwise it's just such a difficult thing to do!

It's a lot like giving Albert Einstein a standard grade maths paper, but with a calculator and the internet, and an entire year to do it, only that Albert Einstein wasn't a horrible mink and is dead.  Despite that he'd still get Rangers out of that league, using magic, or as you annoying Christians call it, 'medicine'.

I might mean science.

Either way


A weekend round up by someone who hasn't watched a single game

SOCCER!


Fernando Torres has rediscovered his younger self and is now the best striker in the entire world, which is good because he scored against Newcastle and also because Eden Hazard scored and assisted him.  They are both in my fantasy team.

Arsenal drew 0-0 with Stoke and both were shit.  Tony Pulis set his evil minions to try and break another player's leg, fortunately this time Vermaelen was the target so everyone was ok.  He's made out of steel and technology so you can't break him.  He expands in heat though, and the millenium 2k bug might cause him to catch fire.

Swansea won 3-0, Southampton lost, Man United beat Fulham but it was a good game so we can live with that.

Liverpool drew 2-2 with Man City and apparently City were terrible.  Oh and also every single match summary mentioned how the players are 'finally getting to grips with Rodgers' tactics'.  How hard it must be to pass a football 4 yards every 30 seconds when your only job is to be a footballer.  Not like me, because I am a scientist.

A SCIENTIST OF LOVE?

maybe

There were some other games

Mesut Ozil is bad at shooting

Mezut Ozil just missed this shot:


And for those of you watching this anytime after about 30 minutes after it happened, it involves a nice bit of play with Ronaldo where they work their way into the box, and eventually the 6 yard box, where Ozil punts it off the bar.  It was quite funny.

But also understandable, because it looked quite hard anyway.

That's what she said.


edit:

HAHAH AHA AHA HAAH AH AHAA

Liverpool totally offered Martinez the job

Roberto Martinez has been busy helping Wigan lose games recently and also winning one against Southampton, all out of the kindness of his heart, because in real life he turned down the Liverpool job.


The Spaniard spent the second half of last season avoiding relegation and this is exactly the kind of talent that Liverpool were looking for.  So why didn't you move, Roberto?
“I stayed because my chairman is unique,"
Oh I see.  And then he went home to his house where he has an iPhone 5 because Apple sent one out for him to test, because he once sent a text so fast that they were like 'Oh my god, you have to test this phone out for us"

This reminds me of our friend Coach Keg who once told us that he was going to play for Trinidad and Tobago despite being 100% Scottish.  He didn't do it btw.  In case you wondered.

Michael Laudrup is really good

Michael Laudrup has a fairly decent start to his Premier League managerial career and I want to eat my Lion bar that I bought but I only have 20 minutes to do some articles.  Some of that I wasn't meant to write down.


The great Dane (HAHAHAH NEW JOKE) is not only proving our pre-season prediction of Swansea struggling this year wrong, but he's doing it with some style.  He's also still the best player at the club, according to their players.  Defender Alan Tate, said this (TalkSport):
“When [Laudrup] joins in he’s still the best in training,” he told the Weekend Sports Breakfast. “So if you’re not going to take notice of how he is in training then I think you’re on the wrong road.”
So at the age of 48 he's still naturally the best player at Swansea, which I guess gives him some power when he tells other people what to do.  It's certainly a lot better technique than shouting 'GET OFF MY LAND', like I do, and perhaps this is why I'm terrible at Football Manager and also my real job.  Which is a gardener?  I guess that works.  Not everything here is going to be gold, ok?

Friday, 24 August 2012

Michael Owen might go to Everton

Michael Owen hasn't been signed by anyone yet because he's shit.  That won't stop Everton though, and certainly not if you listen to Michael Owen's agent!


That video is vaguely about Owen so I guess it counts.  The former Liverpool, Newcastle, Real Madrid and Man United striker is apparently already in talks with the Goodison club, this despite the fact that they hate spending money and that Owen absolutely loves getting it.


I didn't make that one btw, it's just on YouTube.  Owen apparently supported Everton as a boy, which doesn't surprise me in the slightest when you consider he played for Liverpool for however many years.  You normally put dogs in a movie to suggest 'companionship' or 'loyalty', except in the movies Michael Owen appears in, he sells the dog.  And gets the person who bought it to pay him rent for looking after it when they live abroad.

Or something.  WAT

Ageuro is injured, called up for international duty

Sergio Aguero got the injured the other day when his legs stopped working and his knee exploded, or something.  This doesn't matter to Argentina who expect him to turn up for footballing duty in September.


The news has come as a surprise to Man City manager Roberto Mancini, who expected the 24 year old striker to spend the next few weeks being repaired as opposed to flying almost literally around the world in order to not play football.  The club vs country row is one that has being going on for years now, with clubs paying millions to employ players and countries being the assholes who 'borrow' them for a couple of weeks but then you never get your dvd back.  And you can never remember who you lent it to either

El Classico is fun

Barcelona played Real Madrid in the first leg of the Spanish Super Cup and it was AWESOME


Real opened the scoring in the second half with a BULLET HEADER by Ronaldo, who kept doing really cool stepovers and heel chops all night, so that was fun to watch, and then Barca scored pretty much directly from kick off.  From there on in they just passed the ball around for fun and Iniesta and Messi occasionally decided to run past as many players as they could before setting up a goal, making it 3-1.

Then Victor Valdes tried to be a hero and let Angel Di Maria get too close, fannied around, lost the ball and let the winger score.  It looked like when you catch a fish and then it goes fucking mental and flops into the water, except somehow the fish is a footballer.  Or maybe the fisherman.

Anyway, it ended 3-2 and with the second leg having ALL TO PLAY FOR.  I can't help but feel that Real playing Barca is like playing Sega Rally 95 or something.  You know the track inside out, you've practised and you're focused, yet on the actual fucking race day you make one mistake and the car rolls down a cliff and explodes.  Then you get to start again thanks to that magical car retrieval device all games have, push on to try and get close to a reasonable time, make one tiny mistake and the whole car flips around and faces oncoming traffic.  At which point you turn it off.

SOCCER

Fulham are annoyed with Liverpool

Fulham have put in a report against Liverpool for constantly trying to sign one of their players, specifically Clint Dempsey.


The American forward has attracted the attentions of some of the Premier League's top clubs over the summer and Liverpool in particular really seem to want him.  If they aren't hanging around outside his window at night they're telling news reporters that they've made secret bids for him and Fulham just don't like that.  GATOR DON'T TAKE NO SHIT.  (BBC)
"We have received a complaint from Fulham regarding comments made by Liverpool FC officials and are looking into the matter," a statement read.
This is like when your girlfriend keeps getting text messages from some other dude, and you can't really say anything about it because he's "her friend" but it really annoys you.  So you just kinda let it go and trust that she won't do anything, and before you know it BAM skeleton city.

I don't really know what that means, but let's just agree it makes sense.

Chelsea sign Moses

Chelsea have signed, or about to sign Victor Moses from Wigan for £9million.  How exciting.


The former English but now Nigerian forward will move to London to join up with his team mates once he agrees terms and passes a medical but seeing as it's Chelsea he's escaping to, I'm not sure anything more than about £400 a week will be required to persuade him to move.  Maybe some biscuits as well.  I'm trying to make a joke about Nigerians requiring age tests but I can't do anything without sounding racist.  I'll come back to you with that one

Thursday, 23 August 2012

New video: Super Awesome Power Players

Here's a brand new cartoon for you.  It's totally shit


There you go.  Tell your friends


IT'S A BIT LIKE POWER RANGERS BUT WITH FOOTBALLERS

Real Madrid get hacked

Real Madrid are blaming a 'hacker' for breaking into their website and making a player profile for Luka Modric.  The hacker is a Barcelona fan.  I don't understand the point of that


The wacky prankster posted this picture of Modric:


On the Real website, which just seems like a nice thing to do for them seeing as they will almost definitely sign him anyway.  The reason AVB doesn't care too much about the Croatian leaving is that Modric isn't that incredible in Football Manager, whereas Sigurdsson and Damiao are.  I am 100% sure that AVB bases nearly all his management decisions on that game and he could do a lot worse, for it's pretty accurate.  Why, only last night I was fired for the second time in two games and spent about three hours watching an entire season, unemployed, until I realised wtf I was doing.  At least I have a job in real life :-(

And England won Euro 2012 in that game so I think it might be time to stop playing again.

SAF actually wanted Lewandowski

Now that we've all seen Robin van Persie take a corner for Manchester United, it's interesting to hear rumours that Alex Ferguson actually wanted to sign Lewandowski all along but Dortmund wouldn't sell.

(c) Scott Baxter www.flickr.com/scottbaxter
The Polish striker scored 30 goals last year and also isn't almost semi-permanently injured so the transfer would have made a lot of sense.  Also he's like 5 years younger and not in any danger of having to retire within the next 4 years, so money wise that also made more sense.  But no, Van Persie will be there to take all the corners for Man United this year as Fergie's retirement present.  The real reason he left Arsenal was to avoid being buried alive with Wenger, as this is just one of the terms on every new player's contract now.


Also Aaron Ramsey score a while ago and no-one important has died yet.  I'm keeping an eye on that one.

West Ham are going to sign Matt Jarvis

Matt Jarvis is about to complete a crazy £10.75million move to West Ham.  What a bargain!

NAAAAAT


The 26 year old England international - woh woh woh... when did this guy play for England?  The only things I know about him is that he plays for Wolves and that he has a head.  Perhaps that explains why he's suddenly worth so much money, because when you consider the fact that Arsenal signed Cazorla for like £16million, suddenly it doesn't seem like such a great idea.  And here was me thinking Sam Allardyce was a transfer genius.

That's like buying an iPhone from china on ebay and then being annoyed when it doesn't do any of the features the real one does like phoning people.  It's just a deported child in a cardboard cut out of a phone.  And it needs food and water apparently.  Get me customer services!

Fernando Torres was offside

Chelsea played Reading last night and HOLY HELL it finished 4-2.  Eden Hazard set up like 80 goals and Fernando Torres scored.  Luckily for him, Steve Grabowski was there to divert the linesman's attentions.


The Barbecue Ghost really did a runner on the assistant official, and even though I haven't seen it yet, the goal was totally offside.  Either way, Chelsea still won by two clear goals and no-one likes Reading so it doesn't matter.  Gary Cahill even admitted that luck was on their side:
"It was maybe slightly [offside] so that went for us"
And he looks like he was built from the discarded and broken parts of Robo Cop.  He's like the plain clothes figurine that no-one wanted because his special function was like 'lifting a suitcase' or something.

wat

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

QPR sign some people almost. Both famous

QPR are about to sign Ricardo Carvalho from Real Madrid and Michael Dawson from Spurs.  Let's have a look at the 'how much I care about this' chart:


And that's honestly about all I have to say about this.  QPR are getting rid of a couple of guys I've never really heard of to make room for the two defenders, and they'll still finish about 16th because they aren't very good, and I don't reckon Mark Hughes is particularly amazing either.

And that is my stunning evaluation of Queens Park Rangers.  Imagine the Queen did have park rangers, who were like power rangers and she sent them to try and rule the world.  But she's the Queen so she already owns England.  She should be happy with that!  I don't even own one country, let alone a kingdom.  Unless you mean the animal kingdom.

I also don't own that :-(



Andreson spells his name wrong

Manchester United fielded a new player on monday night and he looked and played almost exactly like Anderson, even though his name is Andreson.  What are the odds?


Anderson doesn't look quite so loveably stupid now he has short hair.  He looks like a footballer instead, which is confusing for two reasons:  First because he's really not very good and certainly not worth the £18million United are said to have bought him for, and secondly because it means I have to smartly observe things to try and be funny even though I'm not.  When he looked like a gangster care bear everything was alright, but now I've got to make jokes about a totally normal dude and try and watch Spongebob Squarepants at the same time?  And it's almost 10pm?!  Life is hard, man.

Andre Santos is bad at driving

Arsenal's Andre Santos has been having a nice chat with some policemen today because he's so bad at driving that it's actually illegal.


The Brazilian left back - who is absolutely dreadful at passing a ball btw - was on the bench for Arsenal's opening game of the season against Sunderland, and he got there by car.  A VERY FAST CAR.  Here's the story from the BBC:
An Arsenal footballer was arrested on suspicion of dangerous driving the day before the Premier League season kicked off, police have said.
Brazilian defender Andre Santos, 29, was held after officers spotted a car being driven erratically by a driver who failed to stop on Friday morning.
I think driving would be a lot more fun if there weren't so many rules.  It's always 'go slower' this, and 'watch out!' that, and 'license and registration please sir' blah blah blah.  Those pesky police ruin everything.  And if I wasn't supposed to go through your garden, why was it almost directly in line with where I wanted to go?  I think in retrospect, I shouldn't have so much tequila first if my passengers are just going to scream all the way home.  I want to listen to Bryan Adams, not your noise.

Yann M'Vila might go to Spurs now

Yann M'Vila has attracted a lot of attention over the summer because he's quite good at football.  Now his club Rennes have confirmed that they have received offers from Zenit, Spurs and a 'mystery team'.  Which is Arsenal.


The France midfielder is one of those 'the next Patrick Vieira' types, in as much as he is a midfielder, is defensive, is good and is French.  Those are the criteria you need to be 'the next...' whoever it is.  And what happened to good all fashioned loyalty?  What about those poor Rennes fans who wanted a shot at glory?  He wants some more cash to go to the casino and hang out with super hot casino girls, and play blackjack and stuff, when in actual fact he should stay and be loyal to the place he's from.  There's more to life than money, you fucking sellout!

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Man, I hate people like that.

The Reading owner's wife is hot

Gripping football news for you, sports fans - Reading's owner has a super hot wife.  Well done to you sir.


The newly promoted Premier League club are currently drawing with Chelsea 2-2, but that might change since the second half is about half way through.  Either way, at least I have a reason to post pictures of a Victoria's Secret model without having to be in anyway clever and still claim it's a football site.  Because: tits.



Her name is Katsia Zingarevich and her husband is Russian billionaire Anton Zingarevich who owns the football club called Reading, which is pronounced redding.  So he's super rich, has a Victoria's Secret model as a wife and owns his own football club.  Oh yeh?


Well I live in my parents house and my broadband upload speed is like 0.1mbs.  So put lingerie on that and have sex with it, Mr Russian billionaire!  Oh that's right you can't!



edit: chelsea won the game 4-2.  Torres scored too which is nice.