Saturday, 31 March 2012

Charlton turn down Rivaldo

Charlton have passed on the opportunity to sign Brazilian legend Rivaldo, stating that 'Rivaldo is sooooo 1998' and then driving a yacht over a water fall.  IT WAS FUCKING TERRIFYING


The 39 year old's advisors got in touch with the League One side because I assume he wants to play somewhere that his reputation alone can see him earn too much money, but Chris Powell saw straight through the ruse.  Rivaldo currently plays football in Angola which I'm going to ignorantly assume has a terrible football league and I just want to know what makes it so bad in that country that he'd consider Charlton a better place to live.

I'm joking, I've never actually been to Charlton or Angola but making fun of other people is much easier than writing anything clever.  I'd reference William Blake if I thought anyone would get the joke and also if I wasn't just saying that to sound like I even begin to know what I'm talking about.

Arshavin survives terrifying car crash

Andrei Arshavin was just an ordinary guy minding his own business in St Petersburg, Russia, when suddenly, things changed forever.


While he drove his car around the city nonchalantly singing along to 'I Get Around' by The Beach Boys, which is the best song ever made, from out of nowhere, another vehicle appeared and the two collided beneath an ensuing fireball and showers of glass and debris.  "THERE CAN'T BE ANY SURVIVORS FROM SUCH A DRAMATIC CRASH" the crowd screamed, the fear crippling their voices.... but they were wrong.  They hadn't counted on Arshavin's primal crash evading skills and his thirst for life. The Russian forward detailed the shocking ordeal on his website:
"To avoid the unnecessary gossip, I'd like to give a statement,

"It is true that I was involved in an accident today [Thursday], but I am okay and nobody got hurt.

"What do I remember of the incident? A tram driver gave me a grapefruit as he was passing by."
My god.  I need to sit down and take this in.  But hold on a minute... I am sitting down.....

A post about sitting down while I'm already sitting down writing about writing a post while sitting down?!!  Could it be........?????!??!?!?!!?!

Zidane wants to be a coach

I absolutely love Zinedine Zidane because he's really, really fucking cool.  Headbutting someone in the world cup final?  Yes please.  And now..... manager?!  It's gonna happen!


Zidane told a French radio station (upon being asked about being a manager):
"Sooner or later I will get closer to the pitch".

"I will want to transmit my experience. I won’t invent something new, but that is what I know best and what I can do best."
The former France star is currently Real Madrid's Sporting Director which I think means he gets paid to go and watch games and just be Zinedine Zidane.  I dunno, maybe he does work too but unless he wears a shirt and tie and talks on a phone a lot about that conference he has to go to, how would we never know he's important?  I guess we'll just have to hope that at some point soon we see someone like this on a train so that we can find out.  Until then I can only dream.

Dalglish is the right man for the job, says Alan Shearer

Kenny Dalglish has had his critics this year and that's mostly because he spent 4 thousand bajillion space dollars on absolute shite like Jordan Henderson and then only got the team to 7th in the league.  I actually think that's quite good.  Shearer is in your corner, Kenny - fear not!


Everyone seems to forget that Liverpool have actually won a trophy this year, and that just because you buy a whole bunch of players that doesn't mean you should automatically win the league.  These things take time, especially if Charlie Adam is in your team.  Were it not for Newcastle's ridiculous form, the Anfield side would be easily pushing for a European place and they are also in the semi-final of the FA Cup.  I don't really know what else these people seem to think Dalglish is meant to do.  Shearer said:
It's there for everyone to see that their league form has not been good enough, but if they go home with two cups then that would certainly be progress, and surely that is what it is all about for Liverpool at the moment?
"If you were to ask an Arsenal fan which they would rather have, the FA Cup and the Carling Cup in the trophy cabinet or a finish in the top four, then that is a tough question for them.
"Of course Liverpool want both. Next season will be all about winning trophies and getting in the top four, because that's the size of club they are.

Yes, getting in the top four should be easy for a team like Liverpool.  In fact, I don't know why they aren't already there.  It's not like Man City, Man Utd, Arsenal and Chelsea want to win anything and Spurs definitely haven't been slowly building their functioning team over the last few years.  They basically have no competition at all - it's like when I entered that women's wrestling competition and then just sat in the audience and jizzed all over my self.  What did they expect?  There's no way I'm gonna sit and watch two half naked hot girls clawing over each other without taking my pants off.  It does make family Christmases a little bit awkward, but hey, that's just who I am.  I'm a real catch.

All hail the possible return of Fernando Torres

Good old Fernando Torres just can't stay out of the headlines at the moment and now it's because he can score goals again!  Imagine that?


Because AVB doesn't believe in ghosts, our friend the barbecue ghost was unable to lend his supernatural powers to Fernando's existing attributes of running like one of those robot hoovers that bounces into things and then turns the other way.  That is the only explanation for the absolutely abysmal form he's had at that club.  With Chelsea holding a 3-2 lead against Villa today (saturday) and Alex McLeish's team on the hunt for an equaliser, Roberto Di Matteo's side counter attacked, putting Torres through on goal to round Shay Given and score his first Premiership goal in 6 months.

To reiterate that point, it took him 6 months to score a single Premier League goal.  Oh my christ.  I think John Beresford was a more prolific player than that.  Yeh, you remember him?  Do you like it when I name obscure left sided players?  Regi Blinker.  UHHHHHHHH YEH.  Francis Benali.  UUUUUUUUHHHHHHH I CAN FEEL IT COMING OUT OF MY BONES UUUUHUUHHHHUHHHHHHHHH  CAN YOU FEEL IT TOO?  UUUUHHHHHHHHH YEEEEEEEH

If you ever wondered why we aren't ever nominated for any awards or anything like that, that last paragraph should probably help you.

Muamba is alive! :celebrate:

To cheer you all up from the horrible Petrov news, here's a picture of Fabrice Muamba smiling!  His family sent it to let everyone know he's OK.


Yay!  Look at his little happy face.  Doesn't it fill you with hope?  His career might be over but at least he's still alive which goes to show the wondrous miracle that is medical science.  He was actually technically dead for 78 minutes, had a defibrillator used on him 15 times ON THE PITCH but is now so recovered that he is able to use social networking sites in a hospital.  What a modern age!  If this were the 1400s he'd have been burned at the stake by now.

Because he's a witch.  Not because of what you were thinking, you racist.

Stiliyan Petrov has leukaemia

In news that makes me feel sad, Stiliyan Petrov has been diagnosed with acute leukaemia. Which really, really sucks.

After Aston Villa's 3-0 loss to Arsenal, the Bulgarian midfielder reported he had a fever and after several tests in a hospital he was diagnosed as having cancer. Regardless of the person, cancer is just the worst, and I really, really like Stiliyan Petrov so this is just awful times 4billion. We all hope he'll survive and I'm sure he will, because the saying that 'the good always die young' doesn't make sense when you remember that Patrick Moore is still alive. If his giant, disembodied cyborg head isnt evil then I don't know what is. We need to harness his power of immortality before he gets back in his spaceship to the demon land he came from. Also I'd like to know how to beat the last boss in Zelda again please.

 

Get well soon please!

Mancini doesn't trust Balotelli

Oh hai guys, there's this new story about Mario Balotelli and you guys like Mario Balotelli, right? Mancini doesn't! Well, he does. Sort of.


Balotelli appeared at an Inter Milan press conference the other day because... He could, and this did not please the Manchester City boss.
He can do everything. He can score two goals against Arsenal next week. But he can also take a red card.

"At the press conference he was there like a journalist. It is better you ask him why but he had two days off,
"I can't put him in his house for two days.
"Probably the moment will arrive when he will know what he should do when he has two days off.


It is Mario's eccentricity and flaws that makes him such a genius. Some creatures just can't be contained and to cage them is to undo all that makes them special, which is why im so oppressed in this society. This time I'm running away for real, mum! No one understands me around here. I might come back for dinner first though... But then you'll never see me again! Mwa ha ha. Until night time obviously though cos there's no way I'm sleeping in the garden like last time. I don't think I've thought this through.

 

Fernando Torres was tortured maybe

Fernando Torres' agent has been moaning about how badly his client was treated for being unable to perform the one task he was actually signed for.


Under AVB, Torres just 'wasn't considered the great player that he truly is' and Roberto Di Matteo has really brought the best out in him by playing him against a terrible championship side and letting him score.  The powers deep within Fernando's soul have been waiting to be unleashed but unfortunately for Chelsea and our departed Portuguese hero, he just didn't know what he was doing.  His agent said:
With Villas-Boas, he was not considered, but the arrival of Di Matteo on the bench has seen him return to have the trust that he deserves.
Yes I think we all learned a lesson from this particular story.  The lesson that Salomon Kalou is really a person and not a lizard like I first assumed when I saw his name on a team sheet.  I would have enjoyed that game...so much *stares at sunrise*

Sergio Aguero has a stupid injury

Sergio Aguero is pretty important to Man City and that's why Roberto Mancini is so annoyed that his star forward has done something that has made his foot injured.


Mancini refused to elaborate on why the Argentinian is unavailable for City's next match, and just what vile sex game it was that caused his foot to set on fire, as I assume it did, will remain a mystery FOREVER.  If only Man City had any other strikers to call upon like Bobby Zamora or Julian Joachim they might have been OK, but unfortunately they will have to make do with Carlos Tevez, Edin Dzeko and Mario Balotelli.  If only they prayed to Jesus, perhaps they would have more luck but until then I guess they'll just have to deal with a selection of players who cost more than it did to rebuild Haiti.

In other news, I wish Groupon would fuck off

Bendtner can't see

Nicklas Bendtner has revealed that he can't actually see what it is he's supposed to be looking at because his futuristic superhero mask actually blocks things out as opposed to letting him see in the dark or protect his broken nose or whatever it's meant to


The Sunderland striker has scored 3 goals in 5 games which is a new record in football because no-one has ever scored that many goals before.  Did you know that?  Now you do.  Put it on wikipedia.

Having finally settled into the goalscoring ways he should have about five years ago, Bendtner has been performing 'well'.  He also said:
'I will be wearing it on Tuesday and then taking it off for Saturday. I can't even see with it on. I give the ball away because I can't see sometimes. It's not good because sometimes if you see a run, your eye disappears in the mask so you are seeing out of the eye that you can't see the run. It's difficult (Daily Mail)

Ah yes. This is the exact same reason that I had to retire from junior football.  In no way was I terrible, it was simply the fact that the superhero mask I wore stopped my eyes from being able to see.  And also the batman costume was pretty heavy and looked ridiculous beneath the strip I was wearing.  I'm not even sure I was really on the team to be honest but by god I just love rugby tackling people dressed as batman when they least expect it.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Patrick Vieira wins the league for United

Patrick Vieira won't stop talking about Manchester United this week. Vieira almost certainly hates Manchester United, he was Arsenal's main-man in midfield when the games between the two were more like a war than a game of football. Now he is the Football Development Executive for Manchester City and he should stop talking before the mind games war starts and innocent people are killed by stray mind bullets.


Have some quotes - 
"When United play at home they get some advantage that other teams don't get. When you go to United, Madrid, Barcelona, or Milan, it's always difficult for the referee to go against these kind of teams."
Sky actually had a table which showed the amount of penalties that teams have conceded at home this season. Manchester United had the third least so I guess he kind of has a point. There were two other teams that had conceded less but pretend you didn't see that. It's fair to say that United to get preferential treatment although with various degrees of subtlety, the Roy Carroll "save" for example.

Vieira is not saying anything new, the problem is if you enter into "mind games" with Alex Ferguson you will almost always lose. Alex Ferguson has mind fucked United to many a league title and he doesn't plan on stopping now. Rio Ferdinand on the other hand is not such a dab-hand in such matters, he said this on Twitter-

'Why is Viera so concerned with Man Utd....2 comments in a week or so....c'mon maaaaaan let it go. BRRRRRAAAAAAP BRRRAAAAP! YOU GOT MERKED BLUD!"
Maybe I made up the end bit. Vieira has since said his words were mis-interpreted and he was mis-represented and he is really angry with the journalist that wrote the article bla bla bla. Fergie came out and said that these things are purely good luck/bad luck and they balance out over a season bla bla bla then somebody threw a pie and sped off on a tiny bicycle.

Balotelli and Mancini have a fight. The Earth rotates

As night follows day, Mancini falls out with Mario Balotelli. It must be hard to be the manager of a child trapped in the body of one of the world's most gifted young footballers. Despite being a bit of a twat, we all love Balotelli and the fact that he consistently pisses off Mancini makes me love him more.


Mancini looks like he is building up a big "fuck" in this picture and it's definitely aimed at Mario. It probably has something to do with Balotelli deciding to show up in Milan a few days ago to personally welcome Andrea Stramaccioni and wish him luck in his new role as manager of Inter Milan - his old team. 

Clearly incensed about something, Mancini screamed at him in front of all the staff and players at training and forced Mario to go and train by himself. When I was being a naughty boy in English back in my school days, I was always chucked out of class and banished to work in this dirty book closet. Little did my teacher know that I actually enjoyed sitting in their and writing nonsense whilst listening to my mini-disc player. It certainly beat listening to her inane drivel. I bet he's the same, although instead of a mini-disc he has a Ferrari.

Balotelli has only scored 4 goals in his last 13 games which is rather pants. The scene is still set for him and Tevez to score and win the league when they play against United. Either those two will combine to score the winner or they will have a fight and get sent off. The camera will cut to Mancini who dies as a result of a blod-clot in his brain that is formed from pure rage.

Sam Allardyce: Everyone hates me and I don't care

Everyone hates Sam Allardyce, apart from maybe people from Bolton. He achieved great success with Bolton and he's a big, fat, beer-swilling lad, exactly the kind of person that people from Bolton love. Having never been to Bolton and having one friend who was born there, I know that to be of 100% accuracy. Now he's at West Ham and the fans hate him but he doesn't give a pork pie.


He quite often looks like an angry, demented hamster in his photographs but I shouldn't be too harsh, the man used to have a bad-ass mustache. Big Sam is notorious for his physical, "lump it up to the big man" style of football. West Ham United are a team notorious for playing football the "right" way, what could ever go wrong? 

Despite being third in the league, West Ham fans are still not happy with the performances they have seen. Recently against Peterborough, fans could be heard chanting, "we're West Ham Utd, we play on the floor". Probably one of the worst chants I've ever heard and conjures up images of old, naked men wrestling on the floor. Just me? 

Allardyce has had it up to here with the fans having a go - 
"I am the best manager in the world and if I was manager of Real Madrid I would have won the SPL by now. Fans are always asking us to play "one-twos" and "triangles". What a load of shite, when I was growing up, the only triangle I was interested in was the one between a girls legs. If you want to see a one-two, then come down the pub with Big Sam, you've not seen anything like the Big Sam left-right combination after some student twat spills my pint"
To my knowledge he has never said anything like that but he did say it right now in my brain. He did say the following though, which is far funnier -
"Perhaps their expectations are too much and they're getting a bit carried away, I don't know.......
it started off from other managers many years ago, because they got jealous because I kept beating them."

Barcelona are shit....at not winning

Barcelona are the best team in the world, don't let the La Liga table fool you, it's not real. Just llike global warming and gravity. As they win almost everything, almost all the time, when things don't go their way they tend to complain. "We are Barcelona, how dare you stop us playing our beautiful football!, they cried as they lodged an official complaint with UEFA.


What would it be like to play football on the moon? A question Messi has pondered a few times in his head, last night was probably the closest he will get to that, trying to maneuver himself through the San Siro's giant craters. Fair play to AC Milan, the easiest way to stop Barcelona playing is to completely ruin your pitch by turning it into a driving range the night before and make Barcelona's typical one touch stuff almost impossible.

In case you don't like football or actually live on the moon, AC Milan held Barcelona to a 0-0. There were two blatant penalties not given to Barca as well but everyone wants Bayern Munich to win the Champions League surely so everybody cheered.

Pep Guardiola has lodged an official complaint to UEFA about the state of the pitch and believes it ruined the spectacle. Milan have said they will get a new pitch for next season but obviously changing it now probably wouldn't work since they still have to finish their own season and concentrate on winning games themselves. How dare you not have it ready for the all conquering, all powerful Barcelona! How dare you deprive the world of Barcelona's football! You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Kenny Dalglish and the Rocktopus

Without doubt, the most idiotic thing I have ever done.



It's about a new signing Liverpool make who then almost murders John Barnes, then Dalglish gets interviewed, then there is an octopus.  That's it.

Enjoy.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

Bradford & Crawley have a massive fight

Bradford lost 2-1 to Crawley last night and reacted the appropriate way after the final whistle, by punching the shit out of Crawley's players.


What surprised me the most about this, was the fact that they were actually punching each other. No slapping, no head-pressed-against-head-kissing/taunting but actual punching. Bradford is more of a Rugby League town so perhaps that's why they like to chase men around and punch them.  You can watch it if you want, no pressure.


This happened after the match and presumably the players and managers thought that there would be no action taken from the referee. Think again jabronis, the ref actually went into the changing rooms and picked out the players he thought were involved (i.e all of them) and gave them all red cards- three for Bradford and two for Crawley. I don't see the point in naming the players, it's League 2- I might as well just make names up ; Chester R Tuffin, Elliot Ramsbottom, Steven Springers, Kevin McNeddington and Roger P Willy.

Reactions from both managers are hilarious. The phrase "handbags" is always used in football but that can certainly not be applied here, despite the best efforts from both coaches. Bradford's manager Phil Parkinson said he will need to watch the DVDs before taking any action and Crawley manager Steve Evans believes it was nothing more than "pushing and shoving".  

Being the youngest of four brothers, I know all about pushing and shoving. One time me and my brother were involved in some pushing and shoving. He put a halt to proceedings with a swift knee-cap to my genitals. That was an embarrassing trip to the doctor. Did Michael Jacksons penis also change colour? If it didn't, I imagine that's exactly what I looked like. Shamon indeed.

Semi-Finals Ahoy!

Last night we had some FA Cup and Champions League action. Things went as predicted in the Champions League so to the semi-finals we go!


Roberto di Matteo has managed to turn Chelsea from a boring team that struggled to win games, into a boring team that does know how to win games. Fernando Torres continued to show that he is now a winger and not a striker by bursting down the right hand side and playing a perfect ball for really shit-but-good Kalou to score and win the game 1-0 against Benfica. Bob di Matt said that the tie is not over, it is. Chelsea are going to be in the semi-finals of the Champions League. The world confuses me.


In the other Champions League game, we saw the mighty Cypriots Apoel Nicosia taking on Real Madrid. Could they spring one of the biggest upsets in Champions League history? Of course they couldn't idiot! Ronaldo not scoring was about the only real surprise about this tie, which Real Madrid won 3-0. It's good to see Kaka back, he's not quite the player that made Man Utd's back four look like complete retards a few years ago but he's still Kaka to me dammit! 

The ancient Mayans predicted the end of the world in 2012, could it have something to do with Barcelona and Real Madrid playing each other in the Champions League final? If Messi does a John Terry, hits the post with his penalty and loses the final, the universe could very well implode.



Everton beat Sunderland 2-0 in the FA Cup to book their semi-final place against Liverpool. They will almost certainly get their bottoms spanked because David Moyes is terrified of Liverpool. Jelavic scored again, proving just how ridiculous it was that he was playing in the SPL earlier this season. Good to see the money Everton paid for him, helped Rangers with their financial troubles. Sarcasm is funny but not as funny as the demise of the Glasgow club, start the liquidising machine.


Not much needs to be said about the Spurs game, they absolutely hammered Bolton and should have won about 5-1. They won 3-1 in case you wondered. That result sets up a semi-final against Chelsea on Sunday the 15th of April. Chelsea (should) actually have a Champions League game three days after the semi-final so want the game to be played on the Friday before. If an FA Cup semi-final is played on a Friday then we might as well just go outside and start kicking footballs at old ladies, eating each others's brains and defecating on the street, football is dead. I'll most likely just stay inside and write about it instead with a cup of tea and wait for the whole thing to blow over. 

Happy Birthday to Us

It's our birthday! Well the website's birthday anyway. One year ago my best friend and I thought, "football is really stupid, let's make fun of it" so we did. Little did we know that so many people would enjoy reading our utter nonsense so here's to you and here's to me, best of friends we will always be. Should we ever disagree, then fuck you and here's to me.


The very first article we wrote about was Neymar having a banana thrown at him by a Scottish fan. That makes me so proud.

So much has happened in the last year, too much for me to speak about so I won't. Hopefully by this time next year we will have launched our line of Fitba Thatba banana hammocks. Keep an eye out.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

SITE NEWS, WIN A T-SHIRT

It's almost our birthday, boys and girls!  At 12am on the 28th of March FitbaThatba will be exactly 1 year old!

In this last fateful year we have grown from absolutely zero to having had our videos and articles featured on Channel 4 news, the Daily Mirror, The Sun, The Metro, The Toronto Star, some Norwegian TV Show, some Chinese papers, lots of friendly websites and blah blah blah.  Cheers for reading, basically is what I was going to say.  Oh and cheers to pals at Who Ate All The Pies, In The Stands and Dirty Tackle who have all helped spread the word.

To celebrate I got some t-shirts made which look like this:


You can buy them FROM HERE at our Big Cartel site for £12. There really aren't very many of them, especially if you are large.  And by large I mean fat or tall.  If we don't have it, we'll let you know.

If you'd like to win one, FOR FREE, you have until 11.59pm on the 28th to comment on this post with your favourite player from the Premier League in the 1996/1997 season.  The only rule is that the player can't already have been mentioned by someone else.  Then by the power of random selection, aided by all the beer we will have drunk by then, we will get someone we don't know to choose a winner based on whatever parameters seem appropriate at that time.

The other thing we're going to do is the exact same game but on our Facebook page, and the winner of that will get a hand drawn one that I draw myself on a white t-shirt with pens.  It will look fucking abysmal, but it's still free.  Like your momma.  Zing!

Start commenting, bitches.

Houston Dynamo player calls ball boy a f*gg*t

MLS team Houston Dynamo were playing Seattle Sounders on Friday and they won the game 2-0.  One of the ballboys didn't throw a ball to midfielder Colin Clark how he'd like, so he responded in the only appropriate way, by shouting "fucking faggot" at him.


After the incident the midfielder issued an apology on Twitter:
“I’d like to offer a sincere apology to everyone who watched the game, especially the ball boy for whom I used awful language toward.
“I didn’t mean to disrespect anyone and am sorry for letting my emotions get the best of me. It’s not who I am and it won’t happen again.”
This of course makes everything OK so no-one has to worry about anything.  UH OH!  Here comes the MLS who have announced that they are aware of the incident and will punish him appropriately, which I assume will be putting him in a room and then shouting insults at him to see how he likes it.  "Penis face" and "vagina face" they will say, which I don't think will make anything better.  I think they should just stop getting grown men to stop calling children faggots, but then again that might actually just be too difficult.  It's one of the main reasons I'm not allowed near schools after all.

Also, ball boy sounds like the worst super hero ever.  Like he'd just turn up to a burning building and fondle himself.

Co-incidentally that's the other main reason I'm not allowed near schools.

Fabio Coentrao has birthday cigarette, is dropped

Top flight footballers are some of the fittest athletes in the world and are paid accordingly.  This is why their managers don't like it when they do things like murder people or smoke cigarettes.


Mourinho dropped the midfielder following the release of this picture from wherever it came from.  Ronaldoweb.net or something like that appears to be the source, but regardless, role models for children shouldn't be seen smoking because they'll realise how cool it looks.  He told ESPN:
"It was my birthday and it was an occasional thing," Coentrao told Record. "I am very disappointed with what has been written in the press because no one can say anything bad about me.
"I am an excellent professional, I have always given everything for the clubs I have represented and it is not fair to put everything in doubt because of one isolated act."
Smoking is only cool if Al Pacino or Zinedine Zidane do it, everyone else just looks like gross.  Forget Coentrao, think of the irreparable damage his smoke is doing to Ronaldo!  That guy's worth like £80billion - it's like putting Irn Bru in a Ferrari instead of petrol.  I wonder if you put Lucozade in a car if it would have more energy and last longer?

It turns out no is the answer to that question.  If you own that Ford Focus across the street I have no idea why it's on fire right now.

Alan Pardew is a transfer genius

Alan Pardew has somehow, defying all logic, made Newcastle such a formidable team this season that they might get a European place.  His secret?  Super awesome transfers.


Alan Pardew reckons that the best way to win more games is to sign really good players.  He first devised the theory deep within research at NASA laboratories; scientists everywhere were desperate to solve just what formula it is that helps a team improve.  Then Pardew got it.  "Eureka!" he exclaimed, "we need to sign more players like Demba Ba, Cabaye and Ben Arfa" and astonished onlookers proclaimed it the greatest day in their lives.

And now, I must take my unrivalled wit and sarcasm and exchange it for items at the shops.  What's that?  You don't accept sarcasm as currency? :-(  I JUST WANT ATTENTION

Martin Jol wants a penalty

Martin Jol and his giant Babybell head narrowly lost to Manchester United last night, but were a little annoyed that they didn't get the definite penalty that they definitely should have.  Well done, referees.


A scrambled Wayne Rooney goal in the first half was enough to secure all 3 points for Alex Ferguson's side but it could well have been a different story, had referee Michael Oliver remembered what his job was.  Danny Murphy took a through ball under control inside the box and Michael Carrick decided that kicking the Fulham player's foot would be a good way to win the ball back.  It turns out he was right because after Murphy went down and every single player in the area turned to look for the inevitable whistle, play went on.  Jol said:
It needed a brave decision because it was either a dive and he should book someone or he has to give Carrick a red card.
"I don't want to see Carrick sent off but it needed a brave decision and I think it was a penalty kick
In all fairness to the referee it is really hard to call some of the big decisions in a game without the aid of video replays like we have at home.  Even normal life can often be hard without the aid of a replay. For instance was it a dog I ran over yesterday, or a person?  Without technology I guess we'll just never know.

Edin Dzeko is being sold for parts

Edin Dzeko is set to be sold by Manchester City because they don't want to have something worth £27million on the bench the whole time.


Juventus and Real Madrid are the most strongly linked teams with the Bosnian striker but the most concerning thing for me right now is that it's really sunny outside, my bedroom window faces the garden and one of my neighbours can now see straight in my room.  If I get out of bed and go to shut the curtains not only do I lose the sunlight I was enjoying but she'll also see me in my pants, and I'm not sure she's ready for that yet.  It's a real conundrum.

SOCCER!

Monday, 26 March 2012

Inter Milan sack Ranieri

Claudio Ranieri has somehow managed to con his way into some of the biggest managerial positions in world football, most recently at Inter. Six months into that job, he's now been fired.


Our friend Andre Villas-Boas immediately turned off Jeremy Kyle and put on some pants upon hearing the news, seeing as the job will more than likely be offered to him.  Inter have a habit of getting rid of managers who don't win anything, and trophies aside, this extends to games, which Ranieri didn't get enough of.  Faced with an ageing squad in need of a complete overhaul and an overly expectant chairman, Inter need someone to lead them through a transition period and restore their former glories.  AVB could probably do it, but if takes the job he's gonna end up like one of those big titted sluts that gets married to dying oil tycoons.  But I guess no-one really loses in that situation anyway so whatever.

More South American Mentalness

Football in South America, you just can't beat it for pure mentalness. Recently in a game between Caxias and Novo Hamburgo, a fight started on the touchline and ended with a player being bitten by a police dog.


Things got ugly when the referee disallowed a goal scored by Hamburgo. However after speaking to his assistant, the referee changed his mind and the goal was given. Caxias players and coaches reacted in the way we hope and expect in Brazilian football and took to the field of play to protest.

With lots of players pushing and shoving each other and acting aggressively towards the officials, the police moved in because they love a riot. One policeman had a German Shepard  called Nitro. Nitro decided that he would bite Caxias' striker Vanderlei. You can watch the video:


POW! Right on the arse cheek. After making sure he wouldn't turn into a dog/human hybrid, Vanderlei got to his feet and continued playing. It actually finished 1-0 so it turns out that goal did actually win the game, which no doubt pleased Vanderlei and his bleeding bum-cheek. Nitro was interviewed after the game, he said that his main inspiration was Luis Suarez, who famously got a 7-match ban for biting an opponent's shoulder. I'm sure the fact that Vanderlei is black was just a coincidence. Suarez has no problem with black people, I know because Glen Johnson told me.

Darren Fletcher: Coach. Hero

Darren Fletcher still can't play football for fear of pooping himself. Not content with being remembered as the best midfielder the Premier League (the world) has ever seen, he's now set his sights on becoming the world's best coach. Is there anything he can't do? Except not shit himself obviously.


I feel bad for poking fun at Fletcher's condition because I actually really like him and it's not particularly funny but somehow I keep doing it. I really am a crap person, there is nothing clever about toilet humour. Manchester United's reserves have had the pleasure of being coached by Fletch who still cannot play, let alone train. Don't be surprised to see the reserves coming through next season and spanking Barcelona 5-0, with every goal sprinkled with a touch of Fletcher magic-dust.
"It's always something I've had a keen interest in - coaching and passing on advice to younger players who are at an important level at Manchester United in the reserves.
"The next step is first-team football, so [I'm] passing on advice to these players."
The world is crossing it's fingers in hope that the world's most exciting midfielder will be fit to lead Scotland to glory at the World Cup in Brazil in 2014. He's only 27 so has about another 20 years left at the top of his game. Here are a few quotes from various footballing people that I definitely didn't make up.
Pele - "Darren Fletcher is a phenomenon. I tried viagra but the only thing that makes me hard is a Darren Fletcher header"
George Best - "I used to drink but now I just watch Darren Fletcher.....and drink" 
Sepp Blatter - "I am a fat dickhead but even I love Darren Fletcher"  

Roy Hodgson throws a wobbler

Lovely chap Roy Hodgson is really funny when he gets mad. To my delight he got rather angry when watching his side getting destroyed by Newcastle and threw his black armband, offending lots of people who don't actually exist.


West Brom had put a little run together and looked good until they met Newcastle on Sunday. It took about 30minutes for them to be completely annihilated. Roy Hodson and co were wearing black armbands in respect of Ken Barlow for shagging 1,000 women. Not really, it was actually in honour of deceased West Brom legend Ray Barlow, the brother of Ken, which I also made up.

Roy said this -
"It is something I did without thinking out of pure frustration at conceding the third goal. I meant no disrespect by it to such a great player, nor his family, and offer my sincere apologies if it has caused offence."
Anger makes us all act like dicks, mix this with alcohol and you've got a big frustrated dick goulash to serve up. I haven't written for a few days and I think I've forgotten how so I'll just end this with a gif of Roy Hodgson head banging.

McCarthy might go back to Wolves

Mick McCarthy has 'refused' to rule out a move back to Wolverhampton to help his ex-employers try and salvage something from their season and I can't help but feel everyone is forgetting that Terry Connor is still alive.  It's not his fault Wolves are shit.


In an interview, or maybe a conversation, with TalkSport, Mick said:
“I would never say never, that is all I can say” he said. “Stranger things have happened. Carlos Tevez played for Manchester City on Saturday.
“But I think that is a challenge for somebody else, I have done my time. I would never say never and someday it may happen but I don’t think that is going to be the case now and I am looking forward to a fresh challenge as well.”
I think this was probably a conversation as opposed to an interview because there don't seem to be any questions in the article I read that I've come to expect from any 'interviews' I've had in the past.  I've never been to a press conference but things like, "what's your full name" "What were you doing on Tuesday night" and "you know prostitutes are humans, don't you" don't seem to pop up in many post-match media events.

Chelsea want to buy the world / Ronaldo

Roman Abramovich's strategic planning is just one of the many attributes that make him a terrible football club owner.  If he isn't firing his managers for being unable to conjure dragons from thin air, he's trying to spend all his money on players he doesn't need.


The Blues now want to sign record breaking La Liga signing Cristiano Ronaldo, according to some newspapers, and are prepared to pay £80million for him and his friend Gonazlo Higuain.  Ronaldo whinged about moving to Real Madrid every second that he was at Manchester United and now he's finally there, I'd be very surprised if he decided to move, especially to someone like Chelsea and since I am so knowledgeable and clever that means he won't go.  Higuain may or may not move in the summer, but I don't care either way.  I wish something would explode so there was some actual news today.

Glenn Hoddle wants to be the England manager again

Glenn Hoddle once said that disabled people were paying for crimes they had committed in a past life and was fired from being the England manager. Has he learned the error of his ways? Who cares? There's no news today!


England still haven't appointed a manager following the dismissal of evil Fabio Cappello and are fast running out of famous people to be linked with.  Former manager Hoddle did quite well with England in the 98 World Cup, only missing out on penalties after David Beckham's "famous" red card, and he's quite keen to get back into the swing of things:
"If I were to die tomorrow, my life would be incomplete," Hoddle, 54, told The Independent.
"Would I get that opportunity [to manage England again]? Probably not.
"But I think we have a batch of players capable of going to the Euros and doing well.
I have no idea if Hoddle still knows anything about football as the last time I saw him he was being boring on my television, but he can't be too bad of an appointment for the FA?  There's no way they can touch him after his controversial opinions and the fact he used to hire Mystic Meg's brother or something to help train the players' brains, but at least he can dream.

According to his belief system, if I were to start being really offensive to disabled people would I be....... reborn as Glenn Hoddle? As punishment?  Or reward?  And what gun would I start off with?  I don't like when you have to find a gun first because you always die. The Golden Gun was the best weapon, as long as you knew your way around the levels.  The new version on the PS3 is a good update but it lacks some of the romance of the original N64 game and for this reason I don't think I'll buy it.  I feel that my cranial path has ventured rather too far from this story to attempt going back.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

Celtic might win the league today

Celtic play Rangers today in yet another old firm derby.  If Celtic win then they win the league, even though there's a large part of the season to go.  The SPL is just so great like that.


Rangers have been linked with a number of rumoured bidders, most notably that of one from Singapore but I'm bored of that story and that's why I haven't really written about it recently.  Due to the 10 points deduction Rangers received as punishment for going into administration, and because of the 9 points they've dropped as a result of being shit, Celtic can claim the SPL trophy today at Ibrox.  Police around Scotland are all wetting their pants as thousands of absolute morons come out of the sewers to drink until violence becomes an acceptable part of their lexicon.

Celtic winning the SPL now is about as prestigious as if you were to win 'world's most handsome man' when the competition was your mum and sisters and your dad excluded himself from the running to make things fair.  Wait a minute...... that trophy is worthless!

Crouch scores goal of season, Mancini annoyed

Peter Crouch scored the best goal he will ever score yesterday, taking a touch and volleying a 30 yard shot over his shoulder, and over Joe Hart's outstretched hands.  Then City equalised.  It was nice.


Please excuse the shitty video, it's not my fault that 12 year olds feel it necessary to add colour filters, r&b music and jump cuts to make a simple video 'get more views'.  I just want to see the goal!  And what a goal it was.

Stoke played their usual 'if the other team can't score they won't win' hoof and hit, which has actually worked wonders for them in the past few seasons, and Mancini was so infuriated with how shit they were and that his team couldn't beat them that he sent David Platt out to do post-match interviews.  He also didn't shake Pulis' hand after the game.  It's a bit like when your mate beats you at FIFA, even though he's shit, and you want to slam the controller down on his face, but then you realise you're at his house and you can't really break his controller, so you just shout 'FUUUUCKKKKK' and take a deep breath.  And then you go to the bathroom and slap your own face.  "Stay cool bro, you can beat this guy" and then you go out to a bar on your own and reassess your life.  Beer is so wise.

Oh yeh Yaya Toure also scored and the game finished 1-1. love you xxxxx

Guns don't kill people, Egyptian football fans do

Things are going too well in Egypt right now and quite recently there were some delicious riots at an Al-Masry match.  Now that team has been banned and the fans aren't pleased.


Thanks to my horrific ignorance, the only thing I know about Egypt is roughly where it is on a map and also that aliens delivered the pyramids there back in 1852.  Following a court ruling to deal with the riots that occurred in Port Said, Al-Masry have been banned from competition for two years and rather than accepting the ruling with understanding and counter argument, a portion of their fans went absolutely tits and besieged a government building.  During the ensuing riots, hundreds fought, resulting in several wounded and one dead 13 year old.  Not even Rangers are this bad.

So now I also know about Egypt that people who support Al-Masry are incredibly violent and won't be coming to my next birthday party.  If there's one thing my Dad taught me it's that you don't want dead children at your party. "Son" he would say, "make sure no children die at your parties."  

Cristiano Ronaldo is a record breaker

Cristiano Ronaldo has become the fastest player to reach 100 La Liga goals, doing so in 92 games.  But he's still not as good as Messi and this will haunt him forever, like the ghost of my evil dog. "But I thought you never had a dog" I hear you say. Exactly.


When someone as good as Ronaldo plays for Real Madrid, it's a bit like playing Be A Pro on the easiest difficulty setting - it's basically cheating.  The next step to prove his worth is to move to Aberdeen and see if he can do the same thing in Scotland.  Only a real champion could do it at Aberdeen, and for free as well, to prove he loves the game - not because they couldn't afford him of course.  But I bet those football superstars like Messi, Ronaldo, Xavi, Dani Alves and van Persie are just too scared to try, and just care too much about money.  You've forgotten who you are, man.  You've changed!

If this works, I'll give whoever drives them to Pittodrie a hand job.

Hristo Stoichkov is good at threatening people

Bulgarian superhero Hristo Stoichkov has a novel approach to winning football games now that he's a manager, namely threatening the referee so that all the decisions go his way.  It's genius!


Referee Bogomil Marinov has accused the Litex Lovech manager of phoning him days after a 1-0 league victory, introducing himself as 'Hristo Stoichkov' and then insulting and threatening him.  It even says so below, look!
"He called me on Tuesday night, introduced himself and began to insult and threaten me," Marinov told the Association of Bulgarian football referees' website on Friday. "He told me that it had been my last match as a referee."
I can see now why perhaps my old girlfriends were so reluctant to answer the phone to me.  "Hey it's JJ and I'm watching you.  I can see what you're doing right now.  I'm going to destroy you!" does actually sound quite intimidating - and this guy is a full grown man, not a 19 year old hotty.  I don't know why I said the destroy part.  Ahhhh.... young love.

I say girlfriends, I mean girls I know.  That I followed home.  Some people are so precious!

Tony Fernandes is PISSED OFF

Queens Park Rangers are in a dogfight at the bottom of the Premiership, where every point could mean survival and every game is crucial.  It's a good job Djibril Cisse likes being sent off then, really.


QPR chairman Tony Fernandes took to Twitter yesterday evening to point out how much of a penis the recently signed Frenchman is, after the player collected his 2nd red card in 5 games since joining the top flight strugglers.  Despite beating Liverpool 3-2 mid week, Mark Hughes' side succumbed to a 3-1 defeat against Sunderland on Saturday.
“I can't believe this. Red cards. Nothing to do with luck . Very frustrating.
“The manager can do nothing if players keep getting sent off and booked. Mark Hughes is right guy and he has my support.
“Crucial is for us to win home games. But boy we do make it dfficult.
“This is the first time I'm generally pissed of. we got to bloddy keep 11 players on the pitch.”
RAAAR!  Take that society!  Fernandes was so enraged that he stormed out of Loftus Road and starting pushing over wheelie bins and going up to old ladies' faces, screaming "RAAAAAAARRRR" at the loudest volume his wounded soul would allow.  Then he went into Tesco and emptied a box of corn flakes all over the floor and shouted 'RAAAAAAAAR'!!!!!

Sorry I didn't do any updates yesterday, I was just making sure they'd all be as life changing as this one today instead.

Friday, 23 March 2012

Celtic want to be invited to the party

Celtic are moaning and whinging about not being allowed into private meetings between the 10 SPL clubs who aren't part of the Old Firm, saying that it's jolly unfair and pointing out that it's hard to get any fanny if they're stuck inside the house all day. "We won't break anything!" they say.


With Rangers' spectacular tax implosion finally giving the rest of the league a chance to change the way this awful, awful championship is run, Celtic are concerned their best interests won't be at heart.  "Waaaah we want all the monies" they cry, banging their fists on the table as they see the possibility of having a monopoly over Scottish football slowly tugged from their slimy grip.  Celtic's argument is:
"Well, the Icelandic and Welsh leagues are competitive but it is the presence of the Old Firm which makes Scottish football different." 
Yes it is.  It is currently the presence of the Old Firm that makes it shit, but that also brings in all the money; a double edged sword, if you will.  Scottish football without the Old Firm is basically like if you watch porn online - initially you always look for a hot girl, and it helps if the dude isn't really old and doesn't have a gross goatee too so you don't feel like she's being taken advantage of - but in the end, you're still just watching porn.  Anything will do.  Sometimes the ugly ones do funny stuff as well so it's worth sticking around.  You get bored half way through, skip to like 3/4s of the way through to see what the score is, and she's usually being pummelled from behind, and then finally even though your interest in the video has now subsided because you're done, you still have to find out how they finish.  Dundee 1 - 0 Queen of the South.

Portugal is weird

It would appear that the financial crisis killing our European brethren's spirit has also driven some of them to madness, and while in Athens fans are setting fire to their own stadiums, in Portugal they are building giant models of Ronaldo's balls.


Oh wait that's his face. That bit is the normal bit. Sorry, I meant to show you this


And


This is from some sort of carnival they had in Portugal this week and of course what better way to celebrate your country's sporting heroes than immortalising them as terrifying artwork that will forever haunt the minds of the young.  I remember when in Edinburgh last year they did the same thing but with Colin Hendry's penis scraping its way across the road.  Except it wasn't a model.

The best part about this whole story is we'll get a whole bunch of people finding us on Google every week now by typing in 'Cristiano Ronaldo's balls', instead of just the regular 3.  THE HUMAN MIND IS TERRIFYING

Wheel Power FC win a game 58-0

Believe it or not, it's not only superstar playboys that spend their time playing football - normal people like you and me do sometimes as well.  Well, like me.  I have no idea what you do in your spare time you pervert.  For that matter, count me out of this as well.



'Wheel Power FC', which is a real team apparently, beat fellow amateur rivals Nova 2010 FC by 58 goals to nil.  That means they won 58-0.  The two sides play in the Torbay Sunday League so don't worry if you haven't heard of them because neither have we. It's basically like if the team your Dad plays for absolutely destroyed your workmate's friend's team and then all the newspapers heard about it. 

When I was younger I used to play for an under 14s side that would regularly lose 12-0 and 15-0, probably because of a lack of tactical awareness on behalf of our manager.  Yes, that must be why.  And then my knee got injured so my dream of being pro never came to fruition, and the rest of the players in the side discovered inbreeding and learnt the art of story telling as a way to pass the time.  "I was out last saturday and oh it was mental like" "why" "well we had like 7 vodka cokes, and then a voddy lemonade.... Aye, all doubles like"

Why is everyone like that called Dazza or Gaz?  Why would you call a new born child 'Barry'?  I honestly think you might as well call it 'cloth beast' or something like that.  That would be a good name for a human.  I look forward to procreating.

Barcelona want David Luiz

Chelsea face a real BATTLE to keep defender David Luiz at the club because Barcelona really want to sign him, according to some newspapers who need to fill space.


The Portuguese player won major points from us when he was really nice to departed manager Andre Villas-Boas, and his silky skills have impressed all of those watching Chelsea this year who don't understand what defending is.  Mascherano currently plays as a centre back for the 'greatest team in the world' but when you have Lionel Messi up front, you could play one of the pandas from Edinburgh zoo in defence and still not have to worry about not winning.  You could even play me and still get a draw.

Plus, Luiz can run forwards, score goals and is tall enough to reach headers without the aid of a step ladder like Mascherano has never actually had to.  All this is yours for only £35million provided you can defeat the last boss on the way out, which is Abramovich dressed in his latest robot creation on his space station, as I like to imagine he spends the rest of his money.


100% SCIENCE!

Alex Ferguson is playing mind games

Manchester City youth development person, Patrick Vieira, criticised Manchester United this week for bringing back Paul Scholes from the dead, siting the fact that the genie clearly said this was not one of the things he was allowed to do.  SAF ain't playing no mind games, man.

(c) Scott Baxter www.flickr.com/scottbaxter
Upon hearing the criticism of his side, the Scots manager laughed and said "If it's desperation bringing back the best midfielder in Britain for the last 20 years then I think we can accept that," and then stared straight at the camera and started going 'oyyyyyymmmm ommmmmmm oyyyyym eeee ommmmmm', similar in sound to a didgereedoo.  It was entrancing and sensual, but while we were distracted by SAF's crab-like side to side movements as he performed the chant, in deepest darkest Peru, an entire tribe stood up instantly and with arms raised in front, marched towards the helicopter that would take them to the secret volcano entrance of Ferguson's evil mind lair.  And then something else happened.  What the fuck am I talking about.  

Thursday, 22 March 2012

Kid kicks other kid in face - gets arrested - starts race war

Police in Hong-Kong arrested a 10 year-old for punting another kid in the face during a game of football Honestly.



This was a youth game between ESF (English Schools Foundation) Lions and Kitchee Escola. The last time the two clubs faced each other Escola won 16-0 and this time the Lions wanted some revenge. In an ill-tempered game full of dirty challenges (I read that somewhere), one of the Escola players went down after a bad tackle. Some little shit from the Lions went over and kicked him square in the face.

Although he did not receive any serious injuries,  the parents of the booted child filed a police report- 
“I understand that the parent of the injured child has referred the matter to the police and we will cooperate fully with any police investigation,”  
Unfortunately the police released the child on bail. We live in a sensationalist time and it didn't take long for the internet to get involved and blow this story completely out of proportion. Since the ESF Lions are made up of expats and Escola players are predominately Asian, a racial twist was created to make this a more headline worth story. Lots of websites in Hong-Kong were labeling the Lions as "white bullies" to try and create a race war.

Luckily there are still some sensible people left in the world and the head of the Kitchee club, Ken Ng, made sure that World War 3 didn't start.
"Do not read too much into it, It is one boy kicking another boy." 
Well that's that settled then, as long as America don't get involved. They love fighting with Asians and probably still feel a bit embarrassed about getting their asses handed to them in Vietnam. I fully expect to see a ghost edit for that part.

Rio Ferdinand calls Man City fans glory hunters

My irony detector just exploded and killed three people in the office. Rio Ferdinand felt the need to tell the BBC about Manchester City fans "coming out of the woodwork".


According to Rio Ferdinand, if you walk around the streets of Manchester you will see more blue shirts than ever before. You wouldn't have seen any blue shirts over the last ten years because Man City were pants but now they are bazillionaires and won the FA Cup so they've got fans innit?
"But success sometimes brings people out of the woodwork. So fingers crossed we can delay that and make sure that we get this title sewn up this season." 
Rio better calm down with his fighting talk, he can't kick a ball without slipping a disc in his back. There were various  footballing cliches used in his interview, where he discussed the impending title decider between the two Manchester clubs. Man City gave Man Utd the biggest spanking of their lives earlier in the year and the next game will probably decide what team younger people in Manchester will support next season.

The idea of a Manchester United player calling Manchester City fans glory hunters is hilarious. United have been winning everything for the last twenty years and the majority of the season ticket holders live live about 400 miles from the ground. Meanwhile Man City fans had to watch their team get relegated to the old Division Two. In fact I think the same season Manchester United won the treble, Man City won the Division Two play-off final. That is fucking mental. Where was I going with this? Oh yeah, Rio Ferdinand is a tit.