Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The Soccermen: Cool Runnings but soccer. And in real life

Two dudes from England got really bored of their jobs and decided to move to a remote Pacific island to manage the 'world's worst football team'.  They made a film too.


The movie is essentially a real life Cool Runnings - the country has no real soccer team, their best player gets run over by a drunk driver and John Candy is still dead.  From the Soccermen's Kickstarter page:
The Soccermen follows two Brits who take the reigns of a team touted as "the worst soccer team in the world". It seemed like a good idea at the time, but coaching novices Paul and Matt find themselves on a remote Pacific Island with a population whose obesity rate is 90 percent, toad-infested facilities and one of the world's wettest climates. With no resources and the hopes of 16 Islanders resting on their shoulders, the coaches take their team to the mainland in search of the the island's first ever victory.
I couldn't write anything as immediately interesting as that so I thought I'd just let the internet do my work for me.  The trailer makes the movie look pretty great too, but they need to earn another $20,000 to get it complete.  I'm about to donate $5 myself because I'm just a great guy like that and because it's actually a cheap of way of making me feel good about myself.  I'm sort of contributing to a good cause, but it doesn't cost me much.  Also I get to see a movie after.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is that if Marie Curie gave me a new Bourne film to watch after taking my money then I'd be more inclined to contribute.  You've lost a customer!


In all seriousness, go here to find out more and watch the trailer.  I think they win the gold medal in the end or something

Louis Saha likes prostitutes

New Spurs recruit Louis Saha has spoken of the pressures of banging random sluts whilst a footballer, and how these have led to 'some' professional players to hang out with escorts instead.


While promoting his new autobiography, the striker told a French newspaper:
"Let's be honest: women are the greatest temptation. For a young player, it's an achilles heel.
"They can quickly be taken in, seduced by the girl who will cash in with a kiss-and-tell to the newspapers.
"So it's hard to know who to trust and you become paranoid where women are concerned. Some players therefore prefer to use escorts."
Most guys over the age of 25 have probably realised by now that we all pay for sex in one way or another. If it's not drinking cocktails that we don't really want, eating food that costs too much, paying for taxis here, there and everywhere, or even flying to other countries in order to lock down some sexy time - you're paying for it.  What I'm trying to say is that your girlfriend is a prostitute.  Be careful how you tell her the news though, because it turns out they don't like being called that.  The truth hurts, I guess.  Also don't tell her to keep the change after you've done it because that also doesn't go down well.  Unlike a prostitute!  Zing!  No, I'm kidding.  They're all riddled with disease.

Jose Mourinho is buying a house. IN LONDON!

Jose Mourinho knows how to get people excited, and that's why he's been snapped walking around London looking for a house.  IS HE MOVING TO CHELSEA?!!!


I want to point out some of the awful things about this 'World Exclusive'.  Firstly, it is not a World Exclusive if every other paper in Britain and the entire internet also has the same story.  Secondly, I'm not sure it's a 'secret' visit, I think it's probably a normal visit but one that he didn't invite the media to.  I had a 'secret' bacon sandwich yesterday but thankfully journalists from The Herald didn't turn up to catch me in the act.  And last of all, that part about Corrie's Kym is too small to read - how am I supposed to know if her relationship is OK?  ARGH the pressure in my brain!

So in conclusion Jose Mourinho is probably going to be the manager of an English club sometime soon and I would like more bacon please.

Port Vale are poor

Port Vale have announced that they are unable to pay their players this week, adding to growing concerns that they are almost definitely going into administration now-ish.


The financially doomed League Two side told their players after their 1-1 draw against Crewe on Tuesday that they wouldn't be getting paid anytime soon, which is a really good way to get them motivated and push for that play-off spot they need.  If they manage to get through the rest of this season they can always buy players in the summer and make a push for League One... oh snap!  There's no money, son.  And also the club is banned from signing any players.  Defender Gareth Owen said:
"We had no idea at all [that we would not be paid] which is the most frustrating aspect for the lads and has made them very angry.
"I've been speaking to the PFA [Professional Footballers' Association] to see what they can do but that will take time. So we'll have to survive for the next couple of months without any income at all."
I think it's time for this team to start thinking outside the box and come up with some innovative ways to raise money.  Like making a porno or tax fraud.  I'm full of ideas.

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

Ronaldinho likes Russian crisps

Ronaldinho doesn't have enough money from playing professional football in the most elite, glamorous and wealthy leagues in the world from his career, so moonlights as a Walkers crisps advertiser.  They call them 'Lays' abroad.


Ronaldinho looks like he not only fell out of the ugly tree, hitting every branch on the way down but that he also lives inside is.  This doesn't stop him from probably being the best player ever to watch on YouTube, alongside Ibrahimovic, both Ronaldos and Messi.  In this advert, aired in Russia, the buck toothed Brazilian promotes his new 'favourite' flavour of crisps, 'Mushroom Soup', which is probably actually quite nice, but also a flavour that already exists in another country under another name.  Someone needs to stop Walkers from altering the colour of the bags in different countries too, because some people fear change and nearly buying a packet of 'Hitler's Tears' flavour could have catastrophic consequences.  I just wanted salted!


Some may wonder why a footballer as vastly rich as Ronaldinho would participate in such an advert, considering he lives in Brazil which is quite far away from Russia.  The only plausible explanation I can think of is that the phone signal was bad when they rang him and when they tried to explain that there'd be no money but he could get all the Lays he wanted instead, he sort of misunderstood.

"And you said the girl's hot right? And she's totally cool with it?"
"Yes that's right Mr Ronaldinho, you just have to shoot the scene and then you can have all the Lays you want!"
"Hot dog!!!!"

Referees are 92% correct

Some computer thing has given out statistics suggesting that referees get 92% of their decisions correct, that the speed of top flight football has increased by 20% and that the princess is in another castle.


I don't really know why I chose that picture.  I'm actually struggling to stay awake while I write this and in my last post I made a joke that offended myself so I removed it, so what I'm trying to say here is that my brain is doing strange things tonight.  An article about referees you say?  Well, according to this computer thing which is called PROZONE or something similar, decisions that referees make are 92% accurate.  I assume that this is based only on the English Premier League because if it took in Old Firm games the computer would have grown legs, tried to escape and then exploded.

Andre Villas-Boas is lonely

Andre Villas-Boas has finally revealed that he isn't actually sure if his job is safe or not, confirming what everyone else in the world already knew but didn't really want to say.


Chelsea will do well to finish 4th this year and since Roman Abramovich expects the manager of his club to win the league by March and the Champions League tomorrow, he isn't really doing very well.  AVB told Portuguese radio station TSF about what he thinks the future might hold:
"It'll be one of two [reactions] - a continuation of the project and full support or just the cultural pattern that has happened before," 
"We don't know if it'll be tomorrow or in two years from now.
The cultural pattern he refers to is that one where Abramovich has under performing employees stand over the trap door in the office and then makes a pun, laughing maniacally as they plummet into the belly of his evil lair.  I think at this point we can all agree that Villas-Boas should probably have gone back to the Degobah system to finish his training earlier, but I guess Bobby Robson wasn't going to live forever so he had to leave at some point.  He saw Porto in trouble and I suppose he did save them in the end, but really he should have listened to sir Bobby's advice more and he'd be having no trouble at all right now.

I think Fernando Torres is Jar Jar Binks in this story.

I would hate to be an Aston Villa fan

I cannot think of a worse club to support in the Premier League than Aston Villa. To make things worse, it's been announced today that they made a loss of £53.9m in the last financial year.


They have made a loss of almost £54m but their income was £92m. I don't understand if they are doing well or not? Can someone please explain how money works to me? I have a number with a negative sign beside it on my bank account and the numbers are red but I'm still able to buy things. I assume that is a good thing?

Aston Villa sold Ashley Young and Stewart Downing for obscene money but that money seemed to go into a black hole. That wasn't a joke about N'Zogbia but looking back, it easily could be. Alex McLeish has ripped the heart and soul out of Aston Villa. Villa were an extremely good counter-attacking team. I don't even know what they are now. He plays Heskey in midfield, he deserves the sack for that alone.  

There is absolutely no point in supporting Aston Villa. They will never improve because Randy Lerner wants to run them as a business, they will never be relegated because they are shit but not really shit and under McLeish the football will never be entertaining. The man has a proven record for sucking the enjoyment out of watching any club he manages. I almost feel sorry for their fans but then I remember, Aston Villa are in Birmingham. Who cares about Birmingham? 

Tevez.is.BACK

POW! Carlos Tevez is back everybody. All he had to do was say he was sorry and BOOM! Everything is forgotten. Farewell Manchester United's title challenge, the league is over.


Manchester City played against Preston North End in one of those "behind closed doors" reserve games. Those players faces have "holy fuck that's Carlos Tevez" written all over them. Tevez played 45 minutes before he was replaced by somebody I've never heard of.

This game was re-arranged to help Tevez get back into the swing of things. It doesn't really matter, he's a freak of nature. He can be two stone overweight and still be faster, stronger and more skillful then anyone else on the pitch. It's strange how on the pitch, Tevez is the most committed, most physical player you could ever hope to have on your team. He will run and run until he throws up a lung. Take him off the pitch and he can't be arsed to even wipe his backside without getting his agent to demand a wage rise.

Roberto Mancini didn't bother going to the game, he still hates him. So he should, Tevez has been holidaying in Argentina on full pay for about three months. But Mancini isn't stupid, he knows that Tevez coming back could potentially secure the title. There is a rumour that if Manchester City win the league, Tevez's (Tevez'?) wage doubles. If true, Roberto Mancini will probably spontaneously combust in rage.

Our friend Chris Samba didn't leave for the money

Chris Samba is good friends with FitbaThatba. We hang out all the time, smashing beers and terrorising small towns. Well we did,  until he broke our hearts and moved to Russia.


Samba is yet another player to join the Russian billionaire experiment known as Anzhi Makhachkala. He did not go for the money and if you say he did, he will kill you and eat your parents.

His contract is believed to be about £100,000 a week. That is just enough to cover the cost of Samba's weekly shop. It's believed he eats over 100kg of raw beef in one sitting. Anzhi have signed Eto'o and Roberto Carlos and want to be like Manchester City but with more snow and racism.

Losing your best defender is usually a bad thing but not if your name is Steve Kean. He reckons that this is the best thing for the club, as Samba was a disruptive influence in the dressing room. The rest of the team love Blackburn, they love him and even after they get relegated, they definitely will not jump ship as soon as another club comes in. I think Steve Kean might be mental and I know mentals. My granny used to piss in our front garden.

I cannot think of how to end this so here is the Chris Samba song. It's probably my favourite.

Mark Hughes doesn't like shaking hands

Mark Hughes takes exception to managers who don't shake hands correctly, and started a mini scuffle with Martin Jol on the weekend when Fulham beat QPR 1-0, leaving the Welshman looking pretty silly.  I don't think he's won a game with QPR yet.


Martin Jol made the grave error of trying to touch Mark Hughes' head and the fiery manager reacted in the only way a man could given the situation.  He left Fulham because they 'have no ambition' but now finds himself stuck with a god awful collection of idiots that can't salvage three points between them.  This little exchange is a bit like if your ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend tried to hug you because he could see you were sad without her.  You wouldn't be best pleased about it would you?  I guess a hug would be nice though.


Hughes said:
‘I offered my hand and congratulated him but I took exception to it when he went to pat me on the head, which I found slightly patronising.
And this is pretty similar to that time he nearly caused a ruckus by not shaking Roberto Mancini's hand when that guy beat him as well:
 “Maybe I misread it, but I just didn’t think Roberto acknowledged the efforts of my team and how well we’d done, by the way he offered his hand."
Basically, Mark Hughes' is a terrible loser and reacts like a child or your best friend when you beat him in the last minute at Pro Evo and he kicks the chair and vows never to play again because the game is cheating and you are a dick and actually shit at that game so it's not fair.  And even though I haven't played Pro Evo for about 5 years now, I still maintain that it cheats.  Jerks.

Here's the video I made about Mark Hughes' handshake workshop.  Enjoy!

Monday, 27 February 2012

Arshavin leaves Arsenal to save his international career

Remember when Andrei Arshavin was good? He was probably one of my favourite players for about 18 months but then he left Arsenal to join Zenit on loan for the rest of the season to make sure he is ready for 2012. He could have just actually tried for Arsenal but effort is hard.


Wenger did a strange thing with Arshavin. He had one of the best number 10s in world football and continually forced him to play out wide; some players wouldn't be that bothered and would just be delighted to play but Arshavin sulked and got fat.

Andrei found himself behind Gervinho, who has a very strange shaped head and plays like a drunken octopus, and Walcott who is just a bit rubbish. Perhaps that's unfair, but if he has to think about anything he confuses his own brain and ends up tackling himself.  I suppose his finishing can be good. Chamberlain has also come through and looked superb in the short time we've seen him and this has left Asrhavin on the bench, eating and sulking his way out of contention.

Arshavin is from Zenit and they were the only club who actually wanted to sign him, so things worked out perfectly. I fully expect him to be amazing and absolutely rip up Euro 2012, leading to thousands of gooners shouting at their televisions in unison, "why couldn't he do that for us?".  Don't worry - you beat Spurs, all your troubles are over.  If you believe Wenger, that is.  He knows.  Arsenal haven't lost all season remember.

Macheda and Nile Ranger are stupid

Here is a message to all the young professional footballers out there. Stop using Twitter.


Frederico Macheda and Nile Ranger saw Ravel Morrison getting fined for homophobic tweets and decided that it would be a really great idea to do the same thing. Some other mannie called Manny Smith has done the same thing but he plays for Walsall so who cares?

Here is a quote from an FA spokesman who is probably not real
"The charge is that the players acted in a way which was improper and/or brought the game into disrepute.
"It is further alleged that the breach included a reference to a person's or persons' sexual orientation."
Twitter should introduce an IQ test before you are allowed to sign up. It would put most sports journalists out of work, footballers making twats of themselves on Twitter accounts for about 80% of the "news" these days and at least 90% of my posts.

I have tried to find out what they actually said but my sources (google) aren't providing any answers. I have another message for Macheda and co. It's OK to be gay guys. This is 2012, we accept you. Let's join hands and kiss under a rainbow.

AC Milan Vs Juventus: The Goal That Never Was

English football - best league in the world innit? No need to watch any other football. Meanwhile over in Italy AC Milan played host to Juventus. They won 2-1. Or did they? They didn't.


Sulley Muntari thought he'd scored a header. He definitely did score a header. The referee seemed to signal for a goal and point towards the centre circle and Muntari started celebrating because that is what you do when you score a goal. Unless your Temuri Ketsbaia, then you strip down to your pants and kick things. The only person in the galaxy who didn't think it had crossed the line was the linesman but unfortunately he is the only person who matters.

"It didn't go in. I'm certain", are the words of Roberto Romagnoli, a man who can probably no longer visit the city of Milan. In fairness to him, you can see from that photograph that he had a really poor view. Look at all those cows and skyscrapers blocking his line of sight.

There have never been any instances of corrupt officials in Italian football so I'm sure this is a genuine mistake. Juventus have a very good reputation and certainly have never been relegated for bribing officials. The game actually finished 1-1 so at least they cheated correctly and if Muntari's goal had not been disallowed, AC Milan would have been 2-0 up and probably won the game. If my Ma had a cock, she'd be my Da.

I think we've all learnt something today.

Mario Balotelli is dropped

Mario Balotelli has been dropped from the Italy squad because his attitude on the pitch isn't good enough, according to the BBC.


Italian manager Cesare Prandelli has left the beloved striker from his squad for Wednesday's friendly against United States because:
"I don't want players who commit reaction fouls and get sent off. He seems a little agitated to me."
Balotelli is a little ill-tempered at times but since he's the only player not as good as Lionel Messi in the world (his words) it's a little surprising that such a mercurial talent has been left out of the squad.  Another way to look at it is the incredibly irrelevant nature of international friendlies and how in the last one I remember Mario was sitting playing on his iPad.  If he's not being sent off, scoring goals or performing hilarious antics, he's hitting 'refresh' on Facebook in the eternal hope that something interesting actually happens to someone he knows or that maybe someone will talk to him!  Oh no wait, that's me.

Darren Bent is injured

It's that time of year when clubs depend heavily on their top players and those top players start getting injured.  Darren Bent was rolling around in pain on Saturday after he made his ankle go the wrong way.


Bent's ankle injury could see him miss three months of action and this will probably end Aston Villa's title hopes this year.  They were so close too.  If by close you mean 'the most boring fucking team of all time'.  The day that Aston Villa win the league is the day that Lego men rise and take control of the earth, and that's why I've been amassing an army of them in my house and had them worshipping me like in North Korea so that when that day happens, I'm ahead of the game.  Lego men don't get ruptured ligaments, humans do.  Actually now I think about it, robots don't get ruptured ligaments either and they are much more likely to rise and murder us all.  I really haven't thought this through enough yet.

Rangers are fined

Rangers have been fined £50,000 for failing to disclose that owner Craig Whyte has been previously disqualified as a director.  *slow clap*


I don't know who it is at Rangers that thinks not telling HMRC things is a good idea because I'm pretty sure world famous companies are probably scrutinised ever so slightly.  This isn't something small like not giving change to a homeless guy when you really do have change, or driving away after you accidentally run over someone - stuff like this actually gets you fined.  I suppose adding £50,000 to an existing bill of £40something million is a bit like leaving a tip at a restaurant, but I'm just glad that we're all in agreement that driving away after knocking someone over is fine.  They're probably fine.

Gerard Pique likes to Scrabble with Shakira

According to a very football related story run by the Metro, Gerard Pique likes to play Scrabble with his girlfriend, Colombian superstar Shakira.


And thaaaaaat's about it.  This is how newspapers work boys and girls: absolutely nothing is happening  + celebrity + people click on links with hot girls in the thumb nail + footballer posts something on Facebook + ??? = profit.


I guess the only other way to spin this is to imagine how best Pique can fit in high scoring words to try and make things a little sexier, like placing 'fornication' down and then winking across the table, but I don't think you get question marks in Scrabble so that might not work.  The other volunteers in the old folk's home didn't seem to get it anyway.  They also asked a lot of questions like 'who are you' and 'how did you get in here' - jeez guys, old people like games too, you know?

Fulham sign Diarra

Mahamadou Diarra has the name of a hindu god, and the footballing abilities befit of Fulham.  I don't really know what that means.


The former Real Madrid midfielder has signed for FREE to play football for Fulham for the rest of the season, and Martin Jol's giant moon face will be delighted with the capture of an internationally known player.  He will join such other international stars as Aaron Hughes, Danny Murphy, that guy that plays upfront and that other guy who is on the bench sometimes.  SOCCER!

International friendlies are pointless

Important Premier League and Cup fixtures happened all over Europe this weekend but I know you're all so bored of watching matches that mean something to people, so thankfully FIFA organised some friendlies for mid-week.  Even the players don't want to watch.


Here's a picture of when I turned my friend's shoes into creatures to cheer you up, because this week we will see no Kyle Walker because he's dead........... ly serious about being injured.  The right back joins Darren Bent, Wayne Rooney and Tom Cleverley on the injured list meaning that Stuart Pearce can happily just play whoever he wants.  I have no idea who Scotland are even playing but I think I heard that Charlie Mulgrew is in the squad and that made me try to drown myself in the sink.  That's how much I care about that.

England are playing Holland, van Persie will probably get injured, some other important players for Premiership clubs will also get wee knocks and suffer jet lag from fannying about in airports between playing 60 minutes of a game that absolutely no-one can get excited about.  Having friendlies as practise for real international tournaments is like telling a virgin to try shagging the sleeve of his jacket as practise for real life sex.  When the actual event comes he's still going to put his balls in the wrong goal and jizz all over his own pants.  But at least I tried!  Trying counts, doesn't it?

Arsenal make money

Arsenal reported a massive rise in profits today, making over £49.5million in the last 6 months.  Now I'm no financial expert but I think that might be because they sold two of their best players.  BUSINESS!


The news is added music to Arsene Wenger's ears after their crushing 5-2 victory against arch rivals Spurs on Sunday.  Arsenal's cash reserves now sit at about £115million which means everyone is going out to TGI Friday's for a party.  I assume the staff parties are exactly the same for footballers, where all the young people try and fuck each other, the management try not to let loose but eventually end up in the casino and the needy ones take photos of everyone to hang in their room so it looks they have loads of friends.  It's not weird if you ask them first!  I should probably take them down actually.

Sunday, 26 February 2012

Don't like your president? Throw a grenade

They take football rather seriously in Serbia. When Aberdeen manager Craig Brown sold one of our best young players, I sent an amusing tweet. Former Red Star Belgrade President Dragan Stojkovic sold a few players so someone threw a grenade at his house.


Back in 2007, Dragan was the President of legendary club Red Star Belgrade. In order to keep the club afloat, he had to sell a few of the club's best players. The fans weren't exactly happy. It didn't matter that he had won the league and cup double for two seasons in a row before this, or the fact that he is considered their best ever player. 

Last month he was having a nice drink in the Red Star cafe, when several fans physically ejected him and told him he could never go back to either the cafe or to Red Star's stadium. They didn't feel they had made their point clear enough so a group of men went to his house and thew a hand grenade into his garden. It exploded and created a huge crater but luckily he wasn't hurt. Only his Mum was in at the time but she just thought Dragan was playing Call of Duty again. 

Stojkovic himsef is not convinced that the grenade was meant for him. I think he's probably delusional, I'm certainly no expert of the Serbian town of Nis but I'm pretty sure that it's not common place to throw hand grenades at each other. If it is, then that is great banter. Get the blue WKDs in.

Liverpool win FA Cup shield

I'm writing this in between vomiting into a bucket at the sight of Liverpool players kissing the Carling Cup, with "never walk alone" playing in the background.. They beat Cardiff 1-0 on penalties.


I was hoping for the hilarity of last years final, when Birmingham beat Arsenal. For a while I dared to dream, when Cardiff went 1-0 up through a stone-mason or a builder. Or maybe his name was Mason? I'd never heard of him before but he nutmegged Reina to put Cardiff 1-0 up. Liverpool had about 100 corners and managed to score from one of them, thanks to the evil alien emperor known as Skrtel.

Holland's number one Sloth (from The Goonies) impersonator Dirk Kuyt, came off the bench to score in extra time to put Liverpool 2-1 up. At this point, Cardiff's players were so tired they could hardly move, let alone play football. Somehow they managed to get a goal right at the death to force the game into penalties. The penalties much like the game, were a complete shambles. Gerrard's was saved, Miller hit the post, I think Adam's penalty actually left our atmosphere. Cardiff's Gerrard missed the penalty that mattered and Liverpool won 3-2.


Don't let BBC fool you into thinking this game was good. It wasn't. BBC have about 5 live games a year. They think if they say "what a great game" enough times, eventually we will agree. This game was awful, which is fitting for the Carling Cup. Cardiff did absolutely fuck all and Liverpool slightly more. Unfortunately when Liverpool play Carroll, they forget about that space on the pitch between their midfield and the strikers. Rather than keep the ball, they sought to seek out the forehead of the pony-tailed grease-ball from every conceivable position on the pitch.

It's easier to write when I'm annoyed. I ensured this happened by choosing to watch the game on the BBC, rather than Sky. Listening to Mark Lawrenson's co-commentating and Hansen's analysis is enough to enrage even the most amiable of folks. I'm sure even the Dalai Lama was at home screaming obscenities at the television and wishing death upon his cat, who just so happened to start meowing and rubbing against his legs as the first penalty was taken.

Arsenal destroy Spurs

Today was the North London derby. Before the game most of us expected Arsenal to scrape a draw, if they were lucky. Things didn't exactly pan out that way.


Things looked ominous in the early stages of the game and Arsenal's defending was absolutely hopeless. They decided that the best way to defend against a counter-attacking team was to have a defensive line that was just about at the half-way line. Louis Saha opened the scoring with a hilarious, deflected effort that looped up over the keeper, Gareth Bale proved once again that it's not just those foreign types that cheat, by clearly diving to win a penalty and Arsenal favourite Adebayor dispatched his penalty expertly to make everyone think "this is going to be embarrassing."

We were right, except it wasn't Arsenal who were embarrassed. Fuck knows what happened to Spurs after they went 2-0 up - they seemed to completely stop playing and Arsenal managed to get it back to 2-2 before half-time. In the second half Spurs put up about as much defense as the French did in World War Two and Arsenal completely tore them apart, letting even Theo Walcott score twice.  Rosicky scored his first goal in about 10 years, Sagna showed off the world's stupidest hairstyle with a headed goal and Robin Van Persie got his token goal. It finished Arsenal 5-2 Spurs. Ridiculous. There is absolutely no order to those goal scorers.


Arsenal notched up their 5th in the 68th minute. The game was completely dead and buried and we were treated to 20 minutes of "ole"s - perhaps the most irritating thing in football after Geoff Shreeves. Will this kick-start Arsenal's season and have them end up finishing 3rd? Perhaps Spurs will have a meltdown and Harry Redknapp will leave early for England? I'm not reading too much into this since games between the top 6 this year have been a total nonsense. Next weekend sees Spurs host Manchester United at White Hart Lane. I expect 20 goals, three sendings off, two foxes, one badger and a naked Keith Chegwin performing at half-time.

Neil Lennon is surprised

Punchable jerk face Neil Lennon has said that he is very surprised that Gary Hooper has been omitted from Stuart Pearce's England squad.  His job is football.


The Celtic striker and his on loan team-mate Fraser Forster have helped their team win the league this year with a minimum of effort and Lennon is shocked that they aren't even mentioned in the same breath as players like Wayne Rooney and Joe Hart:
"They talk about good young English players," said a disappointed Lennon.
"Well, there's two who have been playing at a very high level for two years and playing very well." (BBC Football)
Has he ever actually seen real football before?  I could knock out one of those pandas in Edinburgh zoo with a steel chair, smuggle it out of captivity, attach it to a remote control car and control it during SPL matches and it would still score more goals than the entire league put together if it played for Celtic.  There's no challenge in scoring goals in the SPL - it's like hiring a prostitute to 'hang out' with you and then magically 'getting lucky' in the same night.  And my 10 kill streak on COD last night was more than getting lucky, if you know what I mean.  She didn't seem quite as excited about that as I was.

I'm so lonely.

Frank Lampard doesn't like AVB

Frank Lampard revealed that he and manager Andre Villas-Boas maybe don't get on very well.  He also reminded us that the sky is blue, Mila Kunis is hot and white middle class people are terrified of sitting near to brown people on aeroplanes incase they have to stop them from blowing up the plane.


In between trying to fit as many pies into his mouth as his human jaw would allow, Frank Lampard found the time to tell the BBC:
"I think, from the outside, you can probably see that it's not been ideal but the important thing is not to focus on individual relationships too much.
"It can only be negative and people do like to play on negatives."
Once he'd swallowed the food he said "know what I mean?" and gestured his hand towards his mouth and poked out his cheek with his tongue as if to simulate a sexual act.  The problem with this is that he wasn't actually dissing AVB at the time, he just really wanted the sausage roll I was carrying and didn't want to ask for it because that would make him look fat.  Life can be difficult sometimes.

Arsenal 5 - 2 Tottenham Lolspurs

Harry Redknapp continued his covert operation to not be offered the England job by allowing his Spurs team to surrender and be buggered by Arsenal in Sunday's North London derby.


The fun and games began when Louis Saha pinged a shot off the Arsenal defence and past Chesney Hawkes, making everyone watching the game shift in their seats a little and collectively think 'hmmm... so this is one of those games'.  Gareth Bale performed a spectacular dive to cheat his side a penalty and Emmanuel Adebayor put the ball between those big white stick things, registering a score on the battle sheet, sponsored by Budweiser.

I, and most of you, instantly assumed this was going to turn into one of those very funny Arsenal capitulations but we had no idea what was to come.  So then what happened is Arsenal started remembering that they are very good at football and their space alien right back, Bacary Sagna, scored a "bullet header", setting the way for Robin van Persie to then equalise minutes before half time.


After the break, Tomas Rosicky scored his first goal in 85 years by running in a straight line until someone crossed the ball off his foot and Theo Walcott conspired to troll every football fan on internet land who had written him off forever prior to this game, by scoring two fine goals.  It would appear that the more abuse he gets, the stronger he grows - like an abused house wife or power ranger.

All in all you'll be pleased to know that I actually haven't seen the game other than the bit where Gareth Bale practised for the oscars tonight, and the bit where Rosicky scored, so I don't really that much more about it.  This is the part where I'd normally put in a joke.

Friday, 24 February 2012

Tom Cleverley might be injured again

Manchester United midfielder Tom Cleverley has had another scan on another part of his body after being taken off during his club's narrow 3-2 aggregate victory over Ajax in the Eurovision Song Contest this week.


Injury has prevented Tom Cleverley from playing in all but 9 games this year for the Old Trafford outfit but don't let that stop England managers from deciding that he's definitely ready to be capped.  Rumours that Cleverly could actually die are terrifying and have been dismissed by Alex Ferguson who said:
"He got a knock. We sent him for a scan but we don't think it's serious," 
Oooohhh sounds like someone isn't telling us something, like when my parents told me they'd given my dog away but then I found out that they'd actually had him put down because he was dangerous.  I was very sad because I really wanted to eat that dog.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic runs over reporter, releases own iPad app

Zlatan Ibrahimovic has been busy this week, finding time to knock Arsenal out of the Champions League, release his own interactive auto-biography app and even run over a pesky woman reporter.  Get back in the kitchen, Susan!


At times he looks like Christian Bale playing a jew, at others like a waiter that tries to bang your girlfriend while you are both on holiday, but at all times, Ibrahimovic is awesome.  Our friends at Dirty Tackle! quoted the Swedish striker as saying "Remember, there's only one Zlatan and this is Zlatan and this is my story" since that is what he actually said as part of the introduction to 'I am Zlatan', the new 'interactive' iPad app.

Whilst imagining what the Euro 2012 odds might be for him to win the tournament as his own country instead of those annoying guys in Sweden who keep trying to tag along, the skilful wizard ran over a female reporter.  His audi collided with the journalist as he exited training, because 'Bitch get out the way' and she has to decided to sue him.  There is a video of the incident but it's really boring and you can't really see anything.  Also I'm pretty sure all the people speaking in it are doing so in Italian and that just makes me want to order pizza, or fight alongside the Nazis.  POLITICAL!

Carlos Tevez says sorry

I think we missed this one a little bit but Carlos Tevez actually apologised the other day for all his recent behaviour.  He definitely means it and in no way wants to hang out with his friends, like when you have to apologise to your sister for hitting her so that you're allowed to watch Thunderbirds.


The apology clears the way for Roberto Mancini to finally play the troubled Argentinian in Man City's remaining fixtures, which is probably a good idea seeing as Manchester United normally start trying at this time of year.  The Italian manager actually called Tevez to his house and explained that by simply apologising to the club, fans and players he would be accepted back in the family and wouldn't have to live in the shed anymore.

Carlos is said to have had mixed feelings about this because he'd been eating a creature he found there for a little while now and wanted to finish it off before it went bad, but also thought that playing football might be a good idea.  "You can buy many more creatures to eat with money later, Carlos" explained his manager, and so that probably explains why I saw Tevez chasing Theo Walcott towards the sea earlier.

Look, it's friday night and I'm typing this stuff up, you can't expect Shakespeare every time.

Manchester United fanzine owners are relieved

Before that famous 'no handshake' game between Man Utd and Liverpool a few weeks ago, The Reds Issue earned themselves a whole bunch of publicity by distributing these things you are about to look at below.

There are no safer test subjects for controversial jokes than that of the forgiving football crowd - what could possibly have gone wrong?  Their brains are like giant forgiving sponges, filled to the brim with knowledge and the power of reasoning.  The copies of the fanzine were all confiscated because they were 'potentially offensive' and thankfully for the owners of the publication, no charges have been pressed.

This whole thing already seems like it happened about eight years.  Maybe the lines between Football Manager and real life are blurring again like used to happen when I was about 18 and played that game. I'd get to the year 20something and suddenly realise that I couldn't work out which players existed on earth and which were in my saved game.  It's a bit like Fernando Torres' own brain.

Andrei Arshavin also moves to Russia

Russian sub Andrei Arshavin has finally decided to go back to Russia where people might actually want to see him play football.  It's only a loan, but Zenit St Petersburg are the team set to accommodate the forward for the near future.


Arshavin hasn't been good for years now and the only reason any of us think he actually was is due to the three games he played quuuuite well in during Euro 2008.  It's like watching the new Star Wars movies, or Simpsons episodes after the 10th season, based solely on how good they used to be.  I guess most people just go and do these things anyway, so we should probably add yo momma to that list.  ZING!

Chris Samba moves to Russia

Chris Samba has moved to Russia.  Try and take a guess what club it was after I tell you that money was probably involved.


Did you get it?  Well done.  Anzhi Makhachkala have lured the defender with an offer of 40 billion rupees a week, or whatever it is people use in Russia, and the last laugh is on Chris Samba because this actually only works out at like £90,000.  I'm joking, I actually have no idea how much he's getting paid but rest assured and happy that it's more than you will ever earn in your entire life.  Happy Friday!

Ghana players use witchcraft

Ghana coach Goran Stevanovic has revealed that his team have deep personal splits between players because too many of them killed each other on warcraft, or cast spells or something.


So it turns out that the cat in Sabrina was actually a real jerk and has been causing rifts in the Ghana squad in his spare time.  "Why would Salem do that?" I hear you ask, but I can't answer because I don't know.  I didn't attend that part of witch school.  What I do know is that some un-named players have been casting spells on each other like 'Invisibility Cloak' or I dunno.... 'Bad at penalties' but the sad part is that if they didn't believe the spells to be true, they'd be invulnerable to them.  Fools!

Sarfo Gyami, who once played for Ghana apparently, told the BBC:
"It has always happened, but players have used it to protect themselves and normally in search of luck,"
"I have never heard of a situation when players have used it against their own colleagues. That is a very bad situation.
Shit, son!  In a leaked report, Stevanovic revealed:
"We all need to help in changing some players' mentality about using 'black power' to destroy themselves, and also make sure we instil discipline and respect for each other,"
I'm not sure if someone has mistaken 'witchcraft' for 'black power' there because I assure you if you went to themed party for either they would be very different.  You definitely don't want to confuse those.

Rangers fans are trying

Remember that time that Rangers didn't pay their tax and then the club almost got shut down?  It's still happening!  Ceeeeeeeeelebrate good times, come on.  But if you want to party with us you first have to fill out a form on fan site 'www.saverangers.com'


Some optimistic supporters on the evil side of football have decided to try and rebuild the secret lair that lies deep within Glasgow's walls by offering fans the chance to pledge money to Rangers' cause without any actual commitment, forgoing the fact that the only people who support Rangers either spent all their money on tracksuits or they live in a dimension of hell where it doesn't count.  From the site:
This site will be used to measure the level of financial support fans would be willing to invest in the club should the time arise.
I'm pretty sure once they get past the 1000s of pretend pledges from people like 'Craig Whyte' and most of my friends, they will decide not to proceed with this idea since 'Irn Bru' and 'Fighting' don't count as currency.

Thierry Henry wants to sleep with the fishes, see?

Thierry Henry has hired a New York gang from the prohibition era to install a 40-foot fish tank in his London because he fucking can.  He's Thierry Henry, what else do you need to ask you jabroni?


I think you know you've started to get a little bit old when the first thing you think is 'WOW A MASSIVE FISH TANK' followed by 'I bet that would take ages to clean.  I should probably hire someone to do that' and then you realise that actually you're not even getting a fish tank at all.  What the fuck is going on here?  You can't just come over here, tell me I'm getting a 40 foot fish tank and then take it away.  What is this?  Going around showing off your massive house with your giant fish tank.

Seriously how would you clean that?  You'd have to get a diver to live in the tank but as another fish.  Dress him up like a giant clown fish and pretend he's not cleaning stuff.  Maybe after time they could communicate with the aquatic creatures, but then like George Bush said, one day I believe man and fish can co-exist peacefully.  When will the war end?

Fernando Torres is no son of Spain

Fernando Torres' spectacular decline hit a new low today when Spain decided not to call him up for international duty because he's TERRIBLE.


Fernando was unavailable for comment because he was busy crying a river of tears.  A river that swelled and buoyed as it filled with despair and washed away his reputation down a drain in to the sewers of London where it was feasted upon by the tear dragon, who as we all know, lives underground.  Fuelled by the sadness he had consumed, the dragon grew three times the size and unleashed an almighty roar into the darkness that made the earth shake, the car alarms wail and knocked me over and left me unconscious on the floor.  And if my girlfriend asks you, that's why I didn't answer my phone yesterday, it wasn't because I was playing FIFA all night.  Cool.

Wolves appoint random person as manager

Wolves have run out of people on their contacts list and decided to promote internally, giving Terry Connor the chance to keep the failing Premier League team in the top flight.


So far the Wolves executive team had identified Walter Smith, Alan Curbishley and I assume several other characters also created by Charles Dickens as potential saviours, but decided that since the previous management team hadn't worked as well as they want, simply promoting one half of that team should make it amazing.  Somehow that makes sense.

Either way, it means that we finally have a black manager in the Premier League (Paul Ince doesn't count) but I would expect that Mick McCarthy feels ever so slightly perturbed that his assistant is now the master.   It's a bit like the Sorcerer's Apprentice combined with a Hamlet-like story of betrayal, starring 'Terry Connor', who has the least cool black guy's name I have ever heard.

SAF: I was wrong. AVB: I'm never wrong

Both Manchester United and Chelsea were abysmal in Europe this week but Manchester United still progressed the next stage of the CH5 Cup, despite losing 2-1 at Old Trafford. Chelsea still could still progress but they probably won't. The reactions of the managers were quite different.


Sir Alex fielded a team of youngsters last night, predicting that a two goal advantage from the first leg would be enough to see them through. He was right but only just. United were dreadful and lucky to go through after Ajax won 2-1 in Manchester but United won 3-2 on aggregate. Fergie is hated by everyone, other than United fans but at least he has an ounce of humility.
"I must say, I've got to accept I'm responsible for picking the team and I picked too many young players in the back four positions. It was a big risk I took"

That is pretty harsh on the back four though. The midfield were fucking terrible, especially the central pairing of Park and Cleverley. Even Stevie Wonder can see that United's central midfield needs to be sorted out and he's an American musician. What does he even know about "soccer?". Oh right he's blind! Now i get it. Perhaps he can write a song about it.


That is Andre Villas-Boas' "this didn't happen at Porto" face. We have seen that face a lot this season. After his disastrous team selection against Napoli which resulted in a 3-1 defeat, he had to personally explain his decisions to Roman Abramovic. It went something like this.

RA: So why did you start Bosingwa at left back? Meireles as a holding midfielder? Malouda anywhere?
AVB: I felt this was the right selection. I have no regrets
RA: We lost 3-1 you fucking idiot! What do you mean no regrets?
AVB: Don't worry it's all part of my plan. You don't understand because you only know business. You stick to oil and making lots of money and I'll stick to football. Don't worry Mr Abramovic, I know what I'm doing.
RA: OK Mr Boas, I trust you. This meeting is over, I will speak to you before the game against Bolton.
(AVB exists the room)
RA: (dials secretary) Liz? Get Jose on the line.

Steve Kean is actually going mental

Steve Kean has expertly lead Blackburn out of the relegation zone and is marching them up the table.  Now that they have even hit the dizzying heights of 17th place you would think that the fans would be delighted, but for some reason they are still not and Kean believes they want to hurt him so he's hired a bodyguard.


You would never guess that took 30 seconds. Kean has become the victim of a murder plot and has been advised by his "friends" that he should have someone around him at all times for his security. He said this about his bodyguard, who we will call Frank:
'He knows how to handle himself. It is a bit strange having him around, but there are some good things too. He is bloody interesting to talk to, for a start.''
According to Kean, a few months ago an "activist" group on Twitter found out what restaurant he was eating at with his wife and kids and during the main course he received a text from "Intelligence" that told him to get out and get his family to safety immediately. I think Steve Kean has been watching too much 24. If true it's obviously not funny but it does sound like he is turning into Admiral Benson from "Hot Shots". 

Benson: Thanks for having us over for dinner the other night . Cheyl and I thought the stroganoff was marvellous.
Block: Sir, we didn't have you for dinner the other night.
Benson: Really? Then where the hell was I? And who's this Cheryl?

Kean's probably not even married.
''We didn't tell the children because we didn't want to frighten them. We just said that there was a good place around the corner where we could get pudding. The chap who protects me is a seventh dan in karate, but he is not big or butch or anything"
This Frank sounds pretty awesome so I hope they pay him well. The man deserves a medal purely for resisting the urge to roundhouse Kean's ridiculously round head and stupid face. Ten minutes into my first shift I would have already given him at least one judo chop.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

FC Porto are whiney bitches

Yesterday evening Manchester City did what every team with billions of pounds should do and beat a team who don't have billions of pounds 4-0 in the Europa Shield. Porto have taken the defeat well and are about to lodge the gayest complaint ever with UEFA.


FC Porto are actually going to lodge an official complaint about the harsh treatment of Hulk. What was this harsh treatment you ask? I hope it wasn't something racist! Well what the Man City fans were singing was, "you're not incredible". Seriously.

This comes after the blatant racist chants towards Balotelli in in the 1st leg. Apparently Man City players are paranoid and what they thought they heard was their own fans chanting "Kun, Kun, Kun", even though Kun Aguero wasn't actually on the pitch at the time.

City fans were also calling Hulk a "cheat" for his play acting and Porto reckon this is unsporting behaviour so will open proceedings with UEFA, even though this is probably the tamest chanting I've ever heard at a football match. There's not even a death threat. Perhaps this is a test to see how much UEFA hate English football because if Man City are punished then we know that football's governing bodies really do hate England. Considering the amount of racist chanting that happens across Europe which is met with fines of about £500, if this doesn't get laughed out of court (or the UEFA equivalent), then I promise I will never watch a Europa League game again.

I don't actually bother anyway, what a horse shit competition.

Disney want Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain

Mickey Mouse was on the phone to Arsene Wenger the other day trying to get a photoshoot with new wonder winger Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain.  Wenger panicked and hid him in the basement, then set up a small booth and tried to offer the opportunity to see him for $5 a time.


Actually, I'm just kidding about that.  Ho ho ho!  Could you tell?  Disney wanted a photo shoot with the player because he's famous or something and Arsenal said no because the shoot was too close to the weekend's game against Spurs and they are terrified he will burn out.  I think this is great idea because it's really tiring for an 18 year old to play football for a few hours a day and then stand up in front of a camera for part of an afternoon.  Who these people think he is?  Forrest Gump?

Tony Pulis has given up on europe, didn't like it anyway

Stoke City play some great football as long you really appreciate the complexities of leg surgery and rugby.  This is why Tony Pulis has decided to throw in the towel for their game against Valencia, by only taking 4 substitutes and leaving most of his first team at home.

image @TonyPooless
A mixture of injury, fatigue and a game of centurion that went on for too long in the club house last night has left Pulis with a depleted squad to take on the might of Valencia in the Spanish city tonight.  The first leg was an intriguing one for football fans everywhere as we wondered how our european counterparts would fare in wet, dingy Stoke on a thursday night and it turned out the answer was 'they will win comfortably'.

Stoke's style of play wins points but I genuinely hate it because it embodies everything I dislike about football: massive dudes tackling too hard, punting the ball away the minute it's within 30 yards of their own goal, and hiring a 35 year old to throw it as far as he can like it's a catapult.

Stoke in Europe is sort of like a dance contest movie where one guy has to assemble a crew of unlikely misfits together in order to take on the smugly arrogant guys in the final battle, but because they listen to their heart and remember to believe in themselves, they eventually manage to overcome adversity and their opponents.

In real life however, Stoke get beaten, Peter Crouch turns back into a scarecrow once the ref blows his final whistle and the arrogant team get to have sex with the hot cheerleaders.  Matthew Upson sits at home crying.  I want to know more about the cheerleader part so if you guys stay here I'll go and look that up for you.  brb

West Ham are optimistic

West Ham United have revealed that they got a little bit confused between Career Mode on FIFA and real life by trying to sign Fernando Torres and Carlos Tevez in the January transfer window.  Worth a try I guess.


Co-chairman David Gold has confirmed that the club failed with the two audacious loan signings but that he was really excited for the 2 or 3 hours that the pills he was on actually worked.  When reality set back in he realised that in actual fact they'd signed Nicky Maynard and Ricardo Vaz Te, who both sound like over expensive sandwiches.  This reminds me of the time that I thought I was going out with the hottest girl in school but then it turned out that actually a court injunction doesn't count as a date, and hiding up trees isn't as romantic as I thought it might be.  I'll always have those letters though, they can't take those away from me.

Ashley Cole is an asshole

Ashley Cole is a much loved nice guy currently trying really hard at working man's club Chelsea FC.  Today is currently night time and you live in opposite land.


A man so far removed from reality that he actually causes a shift in the matrix and thus makes people think Lenny Henry is funny, Ashley Cole has been a prize winning jerk from the day he was born.  His manager Andre Villas-Boas has realised this and already dropped the defender from his team after he criticised the tactics and blamed his boss for the team losing.  The Sun claim that Cole said:
I came here to win medals and trophies, but I'm never going to do that with your tactics'
In fairness, by current shenanigans, he isn't really that far wrong there but anytime I read anything that Ashley Cole says anywhere I instantly remember this perfectly character descriptive literary ditty, taken from his autobiography:
“Ash! Are you listening?” said a virtually hyperventilating Jonathan. “I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?”
When I heard Jonathan (Barnett) repeat the figure of £55k, I nearly swerved off the road. “He is taking the piss, Jonathan!” I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed. I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard. 
So for any of you who still believe in the existence of a god, I raise you this card.  If Ashley Cole were a monopoly character he'd be the iron, because no-one likes the iron.

Walter Smith is sensible

Walter Smith is an absolute genius for protecting his Rangers legacy and bailing when he saw the first bolt fall out of the side of the now sinking ship.  He's also happy enough with life to not want to move to Wolverhampton and manage their gypsy crew.


Smith has turned down the chance to manage Wolves and has left the midlands club looking like even larger plums than before they decided to take Mick McCarthy off the christmas card list.  It turns out that absolutely no-one wants to manage them because first of all their strip colour is horrible, they will definitely probably get relegated, the board has very unrealistic expectations and just absolutely no-one likes Wolves. Honestly I just want them to go away.  Smith said:
"I know Jez Moxey [Wolves chief executive] and knew I was more of a fall-back than anything. We didn't even get as far as discussing money.
"There was never a face-to-face meeting and we never discussed finance.
"If someone asks you, you're pleased to be asked, but the longer you think about it, you start to ask yourself whether it was right." (BBC Football)
When Walter Smith is rejecting your booty call advances you know it's time to change your life and meet some new people.  Also you need to stop going out and getting pissed by yourself, and I'm not even sure that's really Walter Smith's phone number anyway.  I certainly don't remember him sounding so asian on the tv.

Another possibility is that the Wolves board is actually controlled by wolves.  Now I don't want to alarm anyone here, but we're through the looking glass, people, play it reeeeeal cool.