Sunday, 23 December 2012

Premier League Christmas Wish List

This took so long to write that I forgot to make it funny. Merry Christmas!


1. A trophy. It's been eight years, can we please win something? How do we enter the Scottish Cup? "Oh but we have no debt." Does anyone even care about that? Pretty much every club is in debt so you might as well win something.

2. A real goalkeeper and another centre back. Chesney Hawkes or the guy from Despicable are the options in goals. I'd rather have Goldberg from the Might Ducks. Vermaelen by donkeys and it's rubbing off on him (edit: I still have no idea what this sentence means).

3. Walcott to sign a contract and not be such a jerk.

Aston Villa

1. We just lost 8-0, not even Santa could sort out that fucking shambles.

2. Emile Heskey.


1. Can you please give Fernando Torres the power of running fast? He can now head the ball and even kick it! If you could just return his pace, everything will be OK.

2. Our fans to stop being such scumbags.


1. A striker! What happened to Jelavic? Last season he scored with every touch. This season he struggles to even touch the ball. The amount of times I have seen him completely miss the ball is incredible. It's probably about three times.

2. Fellaini to stay. Apart from his assault on Shawcross, he's been a machine. If he stays we could possible finish in the top...8? I have no idea if this is 1st or 3rd person.


1. Can we throw that fucking Michael Jackson statue into a volcano? He's allegedly a paedophile and probably not the best inspiration for Damien Duff.

2. Berbatov and Bryan Ruiz to play more then two games together. Imagine the sexiness?


1. Can everyone stop laughing at us? Sure our manager is like David Brent and yes our fans don't understand racism but it's gone on too long!

2. Eternal life for Gerrard. Stevie G looks old and that is terrifying as he's probably our second best player. When he dies, we will have to replace him with Jonjo alien Shelvey. A terrifying prospect.

Manchester City

1. Stop being so shit in the Champions League. It's hard to be taken seriously outside of the UK when we are always so horrifically awful in Europe. We've spent about £1bn on players so it's probably about time to start beating teams like Ajax.

2. Get rid of Gareth Barry. He did scored  header today but we play so much better without that one footed crab bastard! Get a destroyer infront of the back four and get Toure further up the pitch.

Manchester United

1. Protect Robin Van Persie! That heathen almost took his head off today! He must not be hurt. If RVP gets injured, Shrek or that dude from Goal will need to start scoring more goals.

2. Buy a central midfielder, this has been going on so long that even Santa is bored of reading about it.


1. Please stop our players being inured all the time! We have a good team but it's tiny. Thank god we are covered up front, to think that a footballing titan like Ameobi starts on the bench shows our strength of striking options.

2. Defenders - Shooter McGavin is always injured, Sideshow Bob tries too hard because George McFly is terrible...figure it out.


1. Don't let Delia near the microphone. We have finally lost a game and chances are we will probably start to free fall and get our arses spanked all over the festive period. Just don't let Delia Smith make a speech again. I thought I was going to die, it was that embarrassing last time.

2. Survive Christmas. We've just lost to WBA away but we are now at home to Chelsea, Man City and then away to West Ham. We must make sure that Grant Holt does not spend the whole time eating his weight in pigs in blankets, and actually scores a few goals.


1. BUY  A NEW TEAM. That is probably what Redknapp is going to do. QPR are full of overpaid asshole and triers like Jamie Mackie. If we are going to survive, we need an actual formation and players who have a position.

2. Taraabt proves that he's not that dick head at school who could do rainbow flicks and actually start to perform every week..


1. Survival. Weird, nobody really talks about how shit we are, yet we are bottom of the league.

2. A defense. Football is simply really, we concede two goals a game. Of course we always lose.


1. Heal Lallana. We spent a disgusting amount of money on players for not much return. With Lallana injured, Ramirez needs to actually do something. He cost £12m, that's 50% of Stewart Downing and think how much he has accomplished.

2. Take advantage of Rickie Lambert's one good season in the top flight. Last season it was Grant Holt who was "bullying" defenders and making a reputation for himself. What we've learnt from Holt is that you only get one good season and then you get really fat and lazy.


1. Try and do something, anything. It's so boring supporting Stoke, we will never be relegated but we don't do fuck all. Even when we got to the final of the FA Cup, there was no chance we were ever winning that game.

2. Tony Pulis, stop wearing a cap and a tracksuit. You look like a massive bell-end.


1. Therapy for our players. When they play against a better team, our players look terrified, Especially Adam Johnson. He just needs the power of belief and he could do anything, he could even complete The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.

2. Another Steven Fletcher.


1. It would probably be ungrateful to ask for any more. Michu for £2m last summer? That's digsusting...and ace.

2. Then again Christmas is a time to be selfish. Scott Sinclair to return on loan from Man City? He's played two games, great career move.


1. To finish ahead of Arsenal. We don't like our North London neighbours they wear red or something. Anyway, Champions League is essential to hold on to the better players and actually improve the team, perhaps even replace Aaron Lennon?

2. We are Jewish so therefore don't believe in Santa, who is the Great nephew of Jesus or something?


1. Keep Steve Clarke. He may be getting balder and fatter but the fatter and balder he gets, the more powerful he becomes.

2. Extend Lukaku's loan. When things aren't going to plan, get the ball into the monster and he will destroy all in his path.

West Ham

1. Don't sell Carlton Cole to Juventus. All the big clubs in Juventus are after Cartlon Cole, if we want mid-table security, we must hang onto him. Wait, ignore me, for some reason I thought it was 2009.

2. Ensure the safety of Diame. You can't spell success without Diame, sudcicaemses. That probably means something in some language.


1 I don't care. Can I have a Sega Dreamcast?