Monday, 10 December 2012

6 things we learned from the Manchester derby

Manchester United beat Manchester City this weekend but what did we learn?  Here's a list!

1. Graeme Souness absolutely hates Mario Balotelli

People who know things about football keep telling us that Mario Balotelli could easily be one of the best footballers in the world so I don't understand why I still can't tell if he even likes football.  When he's on the pitch he looks like how I feel walking to work at 7am and then he just wanders about trying stupid little flicks until he inevitably gets substituted.

The ex-Scotland midfielder Graeme Souness was on Sky doing pre and post match banter, almost all of which was centred around how much he hates Balotelli.  He said stuff like 'I don't know what you get from him' and then pointed out that he's only scored one league goal this year and the whole time I was just thinking WHERE IS YOUR MOUSTACHE GRAEME?  IS THIS IMPOSTER SOUNESS?

Hmm maybe he is right.  After all, this is the man who spent £18million on such football specials as Jean Alain Boumsong and Albert Luque.  If you told me they both work in a burger van now I'd believe you.

2. Throwing coins at people is not cool

There's something about the atmosphere of a football game that turns grown human adults into absolute animals.  It's like turning Google safe search off.  Search 'gay simpsons' with it on, and then DO NOT DO THIS AT WORK, try searching with it off.  That's the polar difference in behaviour we're talking about here.

Take that, professional athlete!  Well educated folk, gentle parents and quiet men all become the most despicable of creatures when a referee awards a free kick late on against your team and if shouting abuse isn't cutting it for you, why not try physically wounding the players instead?  Rio Ferdinand took a coin to the head for his troubles and Man City have already issued an apology and blah blah blah.

If you're the type of person who throws coins at anyone, be it opposition fans or players, I don't like you.

3. Manchester United are good at counter attacking

United are the absolute kings of counter attacking and they proved it again against City after 20 minutes of being pegged back in their own half.  All of a sudden Ashley Young put his rocket boots on and then Wayne Rooney wrong footed Joe Hart and straight away you kinda knew that this was one of those games on FIFA where no matter how well you play, the computer has already decided that you are going to lose somehow.  United had three shots on goal, and three goals.  I have punched holes in walls for less.  Read about that here, by the way

4. Samir Nasri is a jerk

Spineless weasel Samir Nasri did his very best to help United win the match by hiding behind a bigger boy in the wall for RVP's winning free kick.

The androgynous lesbian was so frightened of the big scary ball hitting him on his delicate face that he hid behind Edin Dzeko and lifted a leg up to try and stop the shot going in.  Instead what he achieved was deflecting the ball into the back of his own net for the winning goal, so bravo to you Samir Nasri.  Well done.

Also he looks like a moomin.

5. RVP was probably worth the money

The paddy power premier league odds this year currently has United as the favourites and £24million signing Robin Van Persie is almost definitely one of the big reasons for this.  My favourite thing about RVP is that in almost every game he hits the post

And he did the same against City on Sunday.  Ashley Young scored from the rebound but had the goal disallowed incorrectly for being offside and because he runs like he's permanently sun burned but it just goes to show that RVP doesn't waste chances.  He gets like three touches of the ball and every single one is an assist, a decent pass or a shot.  He's basically New Star Soccer but in real life.

6. Wayne Rooney is quite good

Wayne Rooney might have weird hair, or no hair, but he's now the youngest player ever to hit 150 goals, surpassing such stars as Michael Owen and Gladyss the Groovy Mule.

The former Everton forward beat Thierry Henry by a full year to the figure and as long as the fat man waiting to burst out from inside him is kept at bay, he could maybe, possibly, potentially challenge Alan Shearer's record of 260.  We just have to remember not to feed him after midnight or get any water on him.

The other weird thing about Wayne Rooney is that he is one month older than me yet looks like he could be my Dad.