1. Roque Santa Cruz
The forgotten man likes to deliver presents all over the world but has recently only delivered presents very occasionally in training. In his defence he is paid a lot of money to sit at home and play Call of Duty instead of working really hard so I can't blame him. I have no idea where this guy is right now. He could honestly be dead.
2. Santa Cazorla
This cheeky scamp is about the only player Arsenal have now that I would actually want to pay to watch. Maybe Jack Wilshere and possibly Walcott as well, but otherwise I don't care. "Hey do you want to go and see a team with Per Mertesacker in it?" "no"
That's how the conversation goes usually
3. Alex Advent-Calendar
Alex Advent-Calendar is maybe the only other Arsenal player I would pay to watch. That is unless you take this out of a football context and are allowed to watch people run over Gervinho in their car.
4. Ashley Coal
Ashley Coal is so named because he has been a naughty boy! He cheated on the darling of our nation, if you remember. OH POOR CHERYL they cried and well they should, because I would crawl through the Shawshank tunnel to get a chance to fuck her. Then again, perhaps she, like all women, is batshit mental and he couldn't handle any of her nonsense anymore. "BUT I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO STAY IN AND WATCH THE PROPOSAL :-(" she texts and then you have to bail on your friends who are having actual fun, to instead keep her happy and have pretend fun.
5. Juan Pablo Angel
He is now the angel of New York because he plays for a team there and his name is Angel. Like that dude from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that got a spin-off show. He was played by David Boreanaz and if you can work out how I remembered that then please send a postcard with a bomb attached to it to my house
6. Danny Elves
Danny Elves has been practising his rocket boot runs up and down the right hand side of Barcelona's team for a long time now but that's not his only skill! He can also mass produce presents for no pay at the request of his master. (he works for Primark)
7. andy christmas carroll
His last name is Carroll
8. Gareth Barry from Eastenders
Because panto season is as relevant to Christmas as any mention of religion. Do people still really believe in this stuff? I'm allowed to say Merry Christmas because I'm not a terrorist but that doesn't mean that I think the excuse that 'God got me pregnant' is a valid way to get out of cheating on your husband.
9. Edin Dzeko the halls
Edin Dzeko likes to go round houses singing Christmas songs like his favourite, Bosnian classic 'Kill all of the persons':
'I kill the most friendliest persons
in my home i am the king
but you should never doubt my power
because I will have you killed'
it's very popular*
*I can't remember if he's from Bosnia or not
10. Demba Ba humbug
Demba Ba has been trying to engineer a move for himself for the last few months as he seeks a large pay rise to spend on his 0 friends. "You boy! What day is this?" "Why this is the final day of contract negotiations and we aren't paying you more than 70 grand a week" "fuck off"
11. Paul mince pies
Paul Mince Pies has been spending his time away from the game reading books on football management and devising a tactic so powerful that just to mention it on here would cause your laptop to set fire and you would then have to break it in half and throw it in the bin before anyone else could have a look. It's just one of the many excuses that the guy from the Lost Prophets gave last week
12. Wayne Rooney the red nosed reindeer
Good old Wayne Rooney will take part in Christmas this year by enjoying some reindeer games and helping out ol' Santa to deliver gifts to children, by trespassing on the roof the building and forcing entry into their home. Also he plans to score goals.
wat is reindeer games