Now while journalists in the UK were almost literally jizzing in their own face, like when you lose control over a hose, I was just chillin' and acting all cool. Through the grapevine I heard that Zlatan had done something amazing - that potentially he had scored the greatest goal of all time.
I worried. If I watched this goal, and it truly was the greatest goal of all time, would I ever want to see another goal ever again? Would I have to kill myself, right that minute? Would I even have a choice? Would my head fall off through sheer excitement? I was filled with intrigue. And Tennants.
Slowly, my phone found a clip of 'the greatest goal ever scored' and I prepared to reassess my life values. The clip whirred into life and I witnessed it. It was happening! Here it comes! OH MY GOD IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN NOW AND THEN
It's just him fucking booting a ball over his head into an empty goal.
I do stuff like that when I'm fannying about in 5 a side all the time. "OH BUT IT WAS AGAINST ENGLAND" they say. So what? Ryan fucking Shawcross played for England last night - I'd have been surprised if Zlatan hadn't scored a 30 yard bicycle kick.
To summarise: the goal was quite good.