There is a country far, far away with giant hopping rats and man-eating dinosaur creatures. A lesser man could be daunted in such a strange land but not Emile Heskey - the new superstar of Australian football.
Australia couldn't be any further away from the UK but it's pretty much Blackpool pleasure beach but hotter. If Del Piero was the bigger name, Heskey is definitely the bigger man and he's made the bigger impact. Emile has now scored four goals in three games, including bicycle kicks and shit. This now makes him the best player in A-League history, just overtaking John Aloisi. - I actually met John Aloisi and told him he was my hero. I don't think he believed me because I was lying.
Heskey used to get abuse for being a "big man" but I've seen those Jacamo adverts and I know that being fat just means you are a real man who enjoys a big night out with the lads. Get it? BIG nights out...you know because they are fat and drink pints. LADS!