Just kidding you guys, actually he's going to leave because the negotiations have 'broken down'. Perhaps Chelsea too just don't love him enough to pay another £5k a week for his services, and so the England left back is set to move to Real Madrid where ex-coach Jose Mourinho can tolerate his constant whinging and they will send either Marcelo or Fabio Coentrao the other way, according to my very reliable sources.
This also means that Ashley Cole will escape the British public dislike him so, but unfortunately the internet still exists in Spain. The internet is awesome. Yesterday I watched some guy jump out of a balloon in outer space. And then all I had to do was type in 'boobs' to Google, and hey presto, there they were.