Monday, 22 October 2012

5 things we learned from this week's matches


1. Lionel Messi is a cheat player

Leo Messi scored his 21st hat-trick for Barcelona on Saturday night, helping his team to a 5-4 win over Deportivo.  You may think that Deportivo don't really count because they aren't Real Madrid but you'd be wrong because they 'caused a lot of problems' for the Catalans.  After the game Messi's girlfriend maybe gave birth or she possibly hasn't, even though I think I did an article like two weeks ago about her already having done so.  Either I'm wrong, or he has the same powers as those things in Twilight.  I forget what they're called.  I want to say.... homos?  I think I mean vampires.

2. Mark Hughes isn't doing very well

Despite having Steven Pienaar sent off for having the audacity to be on the pitch, QPR managed to draw 1-1 with Everton on Sunday and that was after taking the lead from a very deflected shot.  How Hughes has managed to sign 40 different players and have only one of them (Granero) actually be any good is actually quite an achievement and it makes me think he accidentally handed in a actual copy of the entire transfer list to the chairman, as opposed to his own personal shortlist and he was too embarassed to admit it.  "Ah yes, Jose Bosingwa.... I always wanted one of those" he maybe says

3. Racism is bad

I wasn't aware that racism was a problem until this weekend when Rio Ferdinand, Jason Roberts, the entire Swansea and Man City teams and probably some people I can't remember refused to wear the 'Kick It Out' t-shirts they were given by the anti-racism group.  Now I've seen the light.  Alex Ferguson was annoyed with Rio because he actually loves racism and this stand means he can't make any jokes about Korean people, which are his absolute favourite.  For legal purposes I feel I should point out that I made that up.

So anyway now Kick It Out probably feel pretty stupid about not doing enough to combat racism, but if you can think of more ways to stop it than just having racist people put down, I think you should suggest them.  I still can't think of many better ways to stop racism than to eradicate this world of stupid people

4. Southampton don't know what defending is

Southampton's visit to the Premier League looks like it might be a very short one because they are on a mission to concede as many goals as they possibly can, possibly in a bid to confuse opponents into surrendering.  This week they let West Ham score 4 against them, including this effort by Maiga, which was very nice

Their manager seems like a very nice chap, but also like he would be equally suited to running a TGI Fridays and hiding through the back when it gets busy.  Then Gordon Ramsay would come into fix the place up and go 'WHY THE F**K AM I IN TGI FRIDAYS?  I'LL HAVE A PLATE OF WINGS PLEASE YOU CUNT'.

Honestly their tactics are the same as in Age Of Empires where you'd build a bunch of archers and sword type warriors then fire them all in an attack at your rival to catch them out early, laughing all the way until you discover that they've actually built tanks and are playing Command and Conquer.  And then they murder your village and score 4 goals against you.

5. Arsenal... more like ArsenLOL HAHAH AHAHAHAAH

Arsenal were terrible and lost to Norwich.  Giroud plays like two horses wearing a people costume and just generally they were all over the place.  I write for a football website so I totally know what I'm talking about.

Under Paul Lambert, Norwich were well drilled, organised and feisty, taking points here and there and doing quite well for themselves, whereas under Chris Hughton they look like if they don't concede a goal every ten minutes, someone will have to punt one into their own net just to make sure the bomb strapped to their neck doesn't go off.  It's like Battle Royale except with the new Grant Holt, who looks like he ate the old Grant Holt.