Friday, 5 October 2012

5 Reasons why Ashley Cole sucks

1. He moaned about being offered £55k a week instead of £60k.

That isn't some vicious rumour that circulated and gained momentum but isn't true, he actually wrote it in his real book.  He offered this information to us.  Look:
“Ash! Are you listening?” said a virtually hyperventilating Jonathan. “I’m here in the office and David Dein is saying they aren’t going to give you £60k a week. They’ve agreed £55k and this is their best and final offer. Are you happy with that?”
When I heard Jonathan (Barnett) repeat the figure of £55k, I nearly swerved off the road. “He is taking the piss, Jonathan!” I yelled down the phone. I was so incensed. I was trembling with anger. I couldn’t believe what I’d heard. 
He is taking the piss, Jonathan!  This guy sounds like Alan Partridge but younger and a footballer, and so he gets away with it.

2.  He cheated on his wife, Cheryl Cole, a girl so hot that I would crawl naked through broken glass just to lick

It's not all about looks though, and that's fine because she also seems like a nice person.  I dunno, maybe she's mental and he did well to get out.  Either way, she hasn't returned any of my letters anytime recently so I guess I should give up.  And when I say 'I guess' I mean 'a court has ordered me to' and when I say 'give up' I mean 'remain at least 400 yards away at all times'.

3.  He throws hissy fits, like the thing he posted on Twitter today:

If that's too small to read it says: "Hahahahaa, well done #fa I lied did I, #BUNCHOFTWATS" and was followed very quickly by an official announcement via his solicitor which said something like 'I'm sorry, I was just really angry and at the age of 30 still haven't learned to not put my immediate stupid response on the internet, where thousands of people, including journalists (not us) will critique it and point out idiotic I am".

I learned that stuff when I was about 12.  Luckily for me I've spent an awful lot of time on the internet these past few years while he's been out playing international football and boning sluts.  Guess who's laughing now!

4.  He shot a student with a rifle

I don't know about you guys, but when I go to football training I always like to have my air rifle with me just incase I decide that shooting work placement students sounds like a good idea.  Ashley Cole does too and that's why he shot a lad called Tom Cowan from about five feet away with his gun.  Luckily the kid didn't die, but being shot is still quite sore, as war movies have taught me, and therefore Ashley Cole didn't get a full week's pay docked.  We already know how much more important money is to him than integrity, soul, loyalty.... all of the words like those basically.  You get the idea.

5.  He helped force out AVB and I love AVB

AVB is super cool and now playing real life Football Manager 12 with Spurs.  He's basically you and me, but rather than work in student bars when he was younger he worked very hard to become a real life football manager, and never gave up on his dreams, even though Ashley Cole was one of the jerks trying to get him fired and pointing out how bad his tactics were.  AVB had to drop him to try and prove a point.  He should have just given him more money and a slut