Tuesday, 30 October 2012

14 players with spooky halloween names

It's Halloween! Here is our scary list of 14 players who have terrifying names from last year.

Yohan Cabaye of newt is just one of Newcastle's most frightening players and when added to certain potions can make a man so handsome that other men want to have sex with them.  At least that's what my Dad told me that time I saw him in the gay disco.

Carlos Boo-yol has practised his scaring techniques from a young age at the Barcelona academy.  There they are not taught how to deliver powerful, loud boos, and are instead encouraged to make short little scary anecdotes that when added together become one all mighty scare!  A bit like Love Actually.

Demba Bat first gained his spooky powers when he was bitten by a bat, and then leader when he had cosmetic surgery to make him look more like a bat.  The original bat bite was later found to have given him rabies which led into a delirious state and that's why he got the surgery.  It's actually quite a sad story.

Eden Hazard, as in HAZARD SIGN, is very hazardous because he can do lots of tricks like in FIFA.  BUT IN REAL LIFE

Nikica Hellavic came to Everton's attention when they found him playing in the deepest, darkest, most evil and gruesome stadium and took him away to help lead their demonic front line.  Later that year Rangers were demoted to the Third Division.  Ha aha ahaa haha

John Terryble is renowned throughout football ghost land as being 'the most terrible racist in all the land'.  I could have drawn him as ghost with a pointy hat but I'm not sure that would have been a good idea.  Legally, I mean.

Alexandar Killarov is a spoof of the name Kolarov because he kills people or something like that

Charles N'Zombie-a was first found to be in a non-dead state when he actually passed the ball to a team mate in training.  Onlookers were astonished as his brain dead state apparently fixed itself, but swiftly after this he went back to hogging the ball, and as it turned out actually overhit the ball to himself the first time.

Leon Oozeman looks like a character from Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and also his name was easy to change into that.  I have nothing else to say about him because I don't know what an oozeman would do.

Phil Bones is the most ghoulish of Manchester United's defenders and scares people by revealing his skeleton and playing hit pop songs on his ribs like a xylophone.  Sometimes he plays the theme tune from Funny Bones too, and now he has been employed to follow Rio Ferdinand around while he investigates hate crimes and provide mystery music like in LA Noire.

I was pretty pleased with this drawing until I realised how long I spent on it.

Phil Jagielka stabs people and that's Halloween related somehow.  I guess stabbing people turns them into ghosts, maybe?  Except ghosts aren't real.  I'm pretty sure none of the things on here are real actually, except for people who kill others with knives.  On that note, Phil Stabielka is the most genuinely threatening and likely of these creatures to occur.

He's meant to be sitting on a church.  I don't really know what a ghoul is.

It would be really lazy to make a Manchester United supporting joke here, so I won't.  

And there you go!  An eery collection of scary footballers.  Even better than that - in a couple of days you'll get to see The Fitba Team HALLOWEEN SPECIAL on Copa 90 and relive all of these players AND MORE with some music in the background.

Remember, you shouldn't allow children that come to your house begging for food to have sweeties.  You should phone social services immediately and keep the children in your house until they come to collect them.  Some say that this counts as kidnapping, but I say that at least they're getting a good Halloween experience.