Andy Carroll to West Ham
Liverpool have done a wonderful job of making themselves look stupid recently, and it does seem an awful lot like Sloth from the Goonies approves all their transfer dealings. Thankfully the Andy Carroll saga reached a delightful near conclusion as he signed up for West Ham for a year on loan. This means that Sam Allardyce has a £35million player now FOR FREE and that doesn't seem very fair, especially when Sunderland are paying £14million for Steven Fletcher. Ah well. It's still funny because now Liverpool have 0 strikers. hA hah a ah ah a
Michael Essien to Real Madrid
Michael Essien is just about the only player who I actually like that Chelsea have ever had, apart from Fernando Torres, because he's ace and also looks like he eats people. That's one of the search topics I think they should include on FIFA. I don't even know if those guys read my letters anymore.
Alessandro Del Piero to Sydney FC
This is the coolest transfer of the last like 2 years. He didn't go to China or Russia to earn billions, he went to Australia, which is nice and will play for Sydney, who are awful. That's like if President Obama turned up at your 5 a side game by arriving on a jet pack and gave you a a donut afterwards just because he's cool like that.
Joey Barton to Marseille
Because everyone at QPR hates him, Joey Barton was sentenced to death by exile on his way across the ocean to Marseille, which is in France. I'm sure he'll be alright there, but the only thing I could think of instantly upon hearing the news was this:
I expect a news report with the amount of wounded and killed to be on the BBC front page any day now.
Yossi Benayoun to West Ham
The reason I like this transfer, which yet again is a loan, is that I learned that Yossi Benayoun earns £92,000 a week.
I'm pretty sure at this point that most of these football execs don't know what money is.
Fulham did the equivalent of sticking their fist up Liverpool's arse by selling Clint Dempsey for less than he's worth to Spurs, who didn't even really want him that much. I might have meant sticking two fingers up to. I shouldn't get those things confused so often, it makes nights out weird
should I pretend that I know who this guy is? Yes. He's really good and I love him with all my heart. Once we had a picnic and he told me about a dead body he'd seen down by the old rail way track and it turned out it was my old neighbour. So we had a funeral for him but then it turned out it wasn't actually that guy and it was secretly someone that Javi Garcia had murdered but i've been too scared to tell anyone until right now.
Hugo Lloris will have enjoyed his induction to North London by having the car he was in attacked by a gang of hooded teenagers all shouting various unintelligible chants. It's exactly the kind of thing a top athlete wants to see when he arrives at his new employers, and is a technique I will employ when we eventually hire staff at FitbaThatba to buy me coffee in the mornings, or just have sex with me for money. If prostitutes would just buy me some fucking coffee we'd be ok. Ungrateful.
Maicon to Man City
Because he has good stats in FIFA so therefore must be great in real life
The population of a small town to QPR
Mark Hughes brought a transfer list of every single player in the world ever to his chairman and just crossed out the players who are currently dead so he knew who to get. Of the 4000 phone calls he made that day, Fernandez signed about 12 players, some of which are probably alright, most of which will be forgotten within about 8 months. I already cannot remember who any of them are except for Julio Cesar because he's driven Robert Green to depression. That's how magnificent the signings were. Even fucking Sydney got Del Piero.
Nick Bendtner to Juve
I don't really have much to say about this other than that if you just believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. Except building a working evil robot. That doesn't work. Yet....
Charlie Adam to Stoke £5million
This is how good he actually was all along. hHa ha ah Ha ha hA aha AHAH A ha aha ah a
Michael Owen to no-one
Although he'll probably move to Liverpool, Stoke, Sunderland or...... and this is my outside bet that I have made up.... Celtic! It makes total sense. Big club, lots of money, feeds the ego etc. You heard it here first, and if you didn't, just pretend you did please.
Please just tell people. But only cool people. I don't want any asshole bandwagon people coming on this site. I'm going to buy my house with cool credits