1. Alan Smith
Alan Smith was a promising young striker at Leeds United who looked set to score goals a plenty for Engerland in international tournaments. He moved to Manchester United because they get on really well with Leeds so it was just like a friendly transfer and he was alright, until one day his leg was broken in about 15 different places. Also it was dislocated. If I'm completely honest it sounded and looked quite sore - even I may have found it painful, as difficult as that may be for you to believe.
Anyway, he just signed for free for MK Dons which is a team for a made up place. Like 'Narnia FC' or *joke about Palestine removed*
Denilson was a Brazilian left winger and he cost Real Betis about £21.5million in 1998. I know this because I'm pretty sure I read it in Match magazine. Sadly, Denilson never quite lived up to his tag as 'most expensive footballer in the world' except for that time he won the World Cup in 2002, thus rendering his inclusion on this list as completely stupid. It wasn't that he was a complete failure, it's just that he played in France for most of his career and I wanted more. I don't know what of, but I think that's just generally my problem with life.
He's now retired and likes biscuits
3. Other Denilson
Arsenal signed a youngster whose name is also Denilson, and he turned out to be a little shit. Despite playing a large amount of games for the club, Arsene Wenger shipped him out on loan to Sao Paulo in 2011 where he has been ever since. He's not planning on coming back anytime soon and his old number 15 shirt now belongs to Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain's. To try and adhere himself to the fans he's even managed to get sent off twice in the opening three games of this season and labelled people who moan about it 'very, very annoying'. They now want him to never, ever play for the club again.
Also, according to Wikipedia "many of [his] childhood friends are now dead" because of drug trading. Brazil sounds nice
4. Francis Jeffers
Francis Jeffers was the original 'fox in the box' that 'got shot and was awful and never played again'. Arsene Wenger signed the scouser for £8million after he scored 18 goals in 49 games for Everton, but this was back in 2001 when money had no value whatsoever. I seem to remember that Tore Andre Flo once moved to Rangers for £12million around the same time, to put that in perspective.
Anyway, Jeffers just got released by an Australian team and now plays with Tranmere. He is 31.
5. Owen Hargreaves
Owen Hargreaves' greatest achievement was when Krishnan Guru-Murthy introduced an embarrassing YouTube video I made of him on Channel 4 news. Or wait, it could actually have been winning the Champions League, or playing for England, or winning the Bundesliga, or Premier League or..... basically what I'm trying to say is that Hargreaves is now completely injured. Everton were rumoured to be thinking about signing him two days ago but unless they want someone to do their gardening who could fall apart like a broken robot at literally any minute, they probably won't.
We love you Owen.
6. Freddy Adu
Freddy Adu was like the hottest tipped young forward ever about ten years ago because he was American and..... I forget why else. He's one of these players with a questionable birth certificate because at the age of 16 he already looked about 30 years old and was destroying junior leagues. He could just have a disability like Adam Sandler in that movie where he plays a kid in an adult's body, or he might just not know old he genuinely is but Birmingham medical staff used to say that Kanu had the muscle leg structure of a 50 year old man when he was supposed to be about 27 so......
Adu still plays in the MLS for PHILADELPHIA UNION
Kerlon sounds like a Star Trek villain and is famous only because he learned how to dribble a ball with his face, having grown up in a swimming pool with dolphins.
He was at one point dubbed 'the new Ronaldinho' and I mean that as in people used to say he was going to be really good, not that everywhere he went they had someone dub his voice. I also do not mean that he likes listening to dub, although my Dad did once decide that he liked dubstep in about 1999 and bought about four CDs. They were all terrible.
I have no idea where Kerlon is right now, but it's no-where I've heard of. Wikipedia seems to think it's somewhere in Japan
8. Cherno Samba
For those of you who have played Football Manager, or indeed Championship Manager before it became FM, you will know the name Cherno Samba. He was one of the players in the game who was ridiculously incredible but made this way because people in football land genuinely thought he was going to be the next big thing. I just found out that he's actually only three days older than me, which makes me feel a bit weird seeing as I've won lots of trophies with him. I guess this is what AVB must feel like, except in real life and not trying to decide whether it's worth taking the risk with that bacon in the fridge. He can just buy new bacon.
Cherno Samba plays for Tromso in Norway and according to a book I read still hopes to win something important.
9. Andri Sigporsson (might be Sigthorsson)
My favourite ever Football Manager player was genuinely a real person, and he still is, because he works with his Dad in a bakery in Iceland. Terrified of any sort of press, Andri has shied away from the spotlight and this means I cannot find any pictures of him anywhere at all. On the whole internet, there is not one photo that I can find. I can google loch ness monster and get artist impressions - I can even buy a costume to dress up like him - but I cannot find anything that lets me know what Andri Sigporsson looks like. This is like my holy grail, and I'm scared that when I finally do see him he'll be ugly and the whole search will have been pointless. It's a bit like meeting random girls from Facebook.
EDIT: I found some pictures of him now so that whole bit is pointless. I think my Google search was set to 'you're a retard'.
EDIT EDIT: This is actually his son apparently. If you add us on Facebook you'd already know that though
10. Almost Fernando Torres
Fernando Torres was completely shit after moving for £50million to Chelsea but then he won the Champions League and was top scorer at Euro 2012. He doesn't really belong here at all but I ran out of players to write about and I really want to go outside.
See you later