Saturday, 18 August 2012

FOOTBALL IS BACK BITCHES

Stick Christmas up your dunger, this is the best day of the year. The opening weekend of the Premier League.


Let's have  a look at the teams really quickly because I'm too lazy to do it any other way.

Arsenal - Prediction - 4th
No trophies. Wenger moaning. Champions League. Good football. Frustrated fans.

Aston Villa - Prediction - Mid-table boring zone
Really, really boring. Defensively sound. Avoid relegation. Nobody cares.

Chelsea - Prediction - 3rd
Goals. Goals. FA Cup. The return of Torres. Annoying fans.

Everton - Prediction - 7-9
No trophies. Terrible first half/amazing second half. No goals. No goals. No goals.

Fulham - Prediction - Mid-table boring zone
Lovely fans. Good football. Dempsey being a jerk. Ginger fan.

Liverpool - Prediction - 6-8
Manager looks like a wombat. Horrible fans. League Cup. Tidy football. Horrible fans.

Manchester City - Prediction - 1st
Tevez goals. Aguero Goals. Balotelli Goals. Unnecessary capital letters. Trophies. No more Owen Hargreaves.

Manchester United - Prediction - 2nd
Van Persie injured. Rooney bald. Ferguson heart attack.

Newcastle United - Prediction - 6-8
Everyone's second team (except Sunderland). French people. Loud, fat, half-naked fans. Sexy.

Norwich City - Prediction - Relegated
Rangers players. Grant Holt won't score. Delia Smith.

Queens Park Rangers - Prediction - avoid relegation
1000s of new players. Players too old or too crap. Robert Green comedy show.

Reading - Prediction - Relegated
Not good enough. They love Nicky Shorey.

Southampton - Prediction - Avoid Relegation (just)
Gaston Ramires? Matt Le Tissier. Relegated next season.

Stoke City - Prediction - Headers
Set pieces. Headers. Defending. Boring. Horrible city. Always safe.

Sunderland - Prediction - Avoid Relegation (just)
Not as good as the neighbours. Two signings? Martin O'Neill jumping.

Swansea City - Prediction - Relegated
Second season syndrome. Lots of passes. Few goals. No defence.

Spurs - Prediction - 5th
No top 4. No strikers. Pace. Pace. Pace.

WBA - Prediction - Don't Care
Chris Brunt's left foot. Birmingham is rubbish.

West Ham - Safezone
Big fat Sam. His big fat mouth. That hobbit from Lord of the Rings fighting people. Is Carlton Cole still wanted by Juventus? 

Wigan - Safezone
Too many Scottish players. I like them but I don't know why.

There you have it. I dare you to find a more comprehensive preview than that. Go on then!