Monday, 30 July 2012

Man United want Ashley Cole now

Man United have refused to offer any more than £12million for Leighton Baines, which isn't being accepted even though Everton are dirt poor, so now they want Ashley Cole.

Ferguson seems pretty keen to buy cover for Patrice Evra now that the only other left back he has (one of those Da Silva twins) is on loan at QPR.  The divorced Chelsea player is still definitely one of the best left backs in Europe, but now he's getting slightly older and close to the end of his contract he might not cost quite so much to acquire - that is if Chelsea even wanted to sell him and it's not as if they need the money.  Plus, who are they going to sign instead?  Roberto Carlos is too old and Maldini retired a while ago so therefore there aren't any other left backs left in the world that they could sign.  That's just scientific fact.  Like Jesus or the moon

David Platt has mad skills

Just because David Platt looks like someone gave a face transplant to a light bulb doesn't mean that he can't score overhead bicycle kicks.  Because he can!  And how.

Apparently Mancini actually crosses the ball in for him to score that goal and it is pretty awesome.  It also goes to show the importance of filming everything you ever do so that hilarious things that happen can go on youtube and entertain people.  Or if you score a sweet goal you can show girls on your phone and then they'll be all like 'oh my god i have to bang you'.  Some people say to me that I'm optimistic, some say that they want me to leave their house, but if you leave your front door open do you really expect me to not have a bath inside?  I'm only human


Sevco beat Brechin City

The new Rangers club, 'Sevco United' or whatever they're called, played their first game against Brechin City this weekend and had to play extra time to beat them.

Charles Green has been whinging about how Rangers are suffering at the hands of bigotry, after being punished for breaking all of the rules.  'Waaaaah this is unprecedented!  Everyone is being so evil to us waaaaaah' is what he's been saying to anyone who will listen.  I tried putting it through my 'irony meter' but it caught fire, turned into a potato and flew out of the window.  And the most annoying part about that was that I found out later it was actually a printer.  How am I supposed to make stickers now?

Liverpool are terrible at transfers

Liverpool are set to offload Italian midfielder Alberto Aquilani for whatever they can get for him.  About £7million or something like that, and Fiorentina have pretty much signed him apparently

I think someone has to sit Liverpool down at some point and explain what money is.  Aquilani cost £20million and gets paid £100,000 a week and he's not even good enough to make it in the team.  This is the same team that employs Charlie Adam, a man who looks like he grew up in a jumble sale.  Add to that price the transfers of Downing, Henderson and Carroll and you have a sum total that could buy an entire island, which you could then use to imprison criminals, or sunbathe on.  Just whichever seems more important at the time would be what I would choose.

Zlatan scores first PSG goal within 2 minutes of debut

Zlatan Ibrahimovic likes to express his dominance over the rest of the similar creatures in his gang in many ways - be it kicking them during training or just proving how ace he is as soon as possible by scoring goals.

Man that guy is cool.  It took the man from Sweden 1 minute and 47 seconds to open his account for the French club, and sure it might only be a stupid friendly but it's more goals than you've scored for them isn't it?  Unless you are Patrice Loko, in which case it's not.  And if you are Patrice Loko, hello.

Going loco down at Patrice Loko's.

Come on baby, do the patrice loko

there's definitely more of these.  I'll add them later if I think of them

Sunday, 29 July 2012

Vermaelen has a grope

Referee assistant Sian Massey probably has a pretty rough ride being a girl in what is probably the top lad of lad sports. Thomas Vermaelen didn't make her feel any better by sexually assaulting her on the side line.

Vermaelen seems like a nice chap and you can see from the video that he's a gentle lover. 

She's lucky it wasn't Titus Bramble that came bundling over..... because he's really fat and clumsy and would probably have killed her.  What did you think I meant? Sian just laughed it off and she seemed to be blushing, which isn't a surprise as Vermaelen is a handsome chap. Andy Gray was watching this somewhere and shouting "Go on Thomas son, go in there, grab her tits! and Thomas said, "you know what Andy? I WILL"". Then he was sacked from life for being a sexist twat.

I fucking hate Sundays. 

Team GB are good

Not the men, they're dreadful but the women. "We" beat Cameroon 3-0, bathe in our awesomeness - before we play Brazil and get annihilated.

Women's football gets a hard time, but I like watching Britain being good at anything so women's football will do nicely. I'm genuinely impressed with the athleticism and technique of a lot of the women. Actually the best thing is the fact they are not total pansies. GB's left-back got absolutely mauled and she just cracked on with it. If that was Ashley Young he would have demanded a stretcher to get him off the pitch for five minutes to treat his apparent broken leg, before casually strolling back on without even a hint of embarrassment of what just happened. 

One thing that doesn't seem to ever change is the truly shocking standard of the goalkeeping. It must be so annoying to know that it will never really be taken seriously until the GKs can touch the cross bar or learn to not let corners go over their heads. It's like sticking your little brother in goals, is it fun to hammer 100 goals passed him? Yes, yes it is, until he takes one in the balls or breaks his arm - then you run.

Modric to Madrid

The Sun is reporting that Real Madrid have agreed a £36m fee with Spurs for Modric. Before anyone gets excited/angry, let's remember the Sun have to make up at least 100 articles a day without any real football being played. It's probably a lie.

I've decided that Modric looks like a wet cat. I would post a picture but, wet cats look so vile I could very well end up with my laptop smothered in last nights dinner. It was meaty. The Modric transfer has become a saga, I hate transfer sagas. Spurs are refusing to accept that he's leaving and the article goes onto state that a fee has not been agreed between the two clubs. In fact all it says is that Modric said he would like to paly for Real Madrid. Darren Mackie would probably like to play for them as well but they coulnd't afford his wages.

This whole article is just nonsense and this was their main story, it's about as factual as Braveheart. Back when Braveheart was made, Mel Gibson was considered an A-lister and a heart-throb. Now he's a booze monster who hates Jews. Ah the mysteries of life. 

Shevchenko is a politician now

Andriy Shevchenko has announced his retirement from professional football in order to pursue a career in politics.

Most people thought he'd move to the MLS for a couple of years since he'd earn a ton of money and also his wife is American, and really hot.  Shevchenko said:
"This will probably shock everyone.
"My future will no longer be in football. I will give more information tomorrow (today) but I will be going into politics.
"I hope for your support."
And then he rode off into the sunset on his horse to begin his new job as sheriff of Ukraine.  It's a tough job, but someone has to do it and only one of the most prolific strikers in European football is allowed to apply.  And then there's an exam, and an endurance test and to be honest I don't think I want to be sheriff anymore.  I just wanted to shoot people

Owen Hargreaves is BACK!

Owen Hargreaves, my absolute footballing hero, is training with QPR even though they don't want to sign.  Unless it turns out he's not injured.  It's only been like 4 years now after all

Ahh, where it all began.  It was actually around this time last year that this video went up and what fun we all had!  Especially Owen Hargreaves, and probably Rowntrees who got some free advertising.  Either way, Mark Hughes is letting the free agent train with his QPR side with no obligation to sign him, and none for Hargreaves to stay there.  Like a fuck buddy, basically.  If Mark Hughes were to shag Owen Hargreaves it would look like that scene in Empire Strikes Back when Chewbacca tries to reassemble C3PO, but with more anger.

Ryan Giggs thinks Senegal are scary

Ryan Giggs has been critical of Senegal's 'no nonsense' tackling in Team GB's recent 1-1 draw which I think is really racist.  You can't say bad things about Africans, Ryan.  Their tackling is part of the culture or something

I know I've been dissing the Olympics for ages now but I think I actually want Team GB to quite well. I'm still undecided about the football team, and the commentators constantly correcting themselves referring to them as England isn't helping, and also then I watched the game and they were pretty bad.  Senegal could have had about 2 players sent off for repeat fouls and/or straight reds and Ryan Goggz enjoyed that:
"In a Premier League game he [Manu] would probably have been sent off three times.  There were a few naughty challenges. A few of our lads are struggling now."
The Senegal coach then said there was absolutely nothing wrong with the challenges and Ryan should 'shut his god damn mouth before I force it', before plunging his hand deep into his interpreter's chest shouting KALIMBA!!  And then everyone left because he was being so racist, because everything is racist.  The trees you see before you, this humble rock, those pretty birds, and this article on team gb and senegal.

Gareth Bale too injured for Olympics, now really

Gareth Bale was too injured to play for Team GB in this year's Olympics, to the extent that he only managed to score 1 goal the other night in a friendly.  And then he got injured.

AVB has had an interesting start to his Spurs career so far.  Not only has he been trying to sell their best player all summer, but now he's lost his other one to an injury by Charlie Adam, which he's not really that happy about.
"I think it is a very nasty challenge from Charlie.  The player is gone and he comes in from behind on Gareth’s ankle. I did not know the previous history between the two. I know now.
"It is a difficult one to be fair. You do not want to end up in a game with Liverpool with 10 men. Charlie came to me and said something about the challenge. I can accept but I think he should go to the player to say sorry. Because if the player escapes hospital it is because he is very lucky.
Being injured by Charlie Adam is like if you lose a game of Mario Kart to a homeless man and then have to let him live in your house, and you have to feed him daily and then one day you smother him with your pillow because he's so ugly and you're annoyed that you didn't use your lightning earlier.  So many decisions can make or break a classic race like that.  And now you have to bury him but I'm pretty sure you can't get in trouble for this because I guess not too many people care about the homeless, and that's why they're homeless in the first place.  No-one except me that is.  I will miss you forever Boney Bill :-(

Paul Scholes wanted to play at Euro 2012

England were absolutely terrible in Euro 2012 and to make things slightly better for them, it turns out if they'd just asked Paul Scholes to play, he would have.  So that's nice.

The Manchester United midfielder came out of retirement last year to regain his place as their best player, and before Euro 2012 kicked off everyone was jizzing in their pants over the thought of him being taken to the tournament by Harry Redknapp.  They were all like 'ermagerd, perl skerls' and we were told daily how he is the greatest player ever so that's why I guess they forgot to ask him.  From the Daily Mail:
Hodgson decided against trying to lure the midfielder out of international retirement on two counts: he thought Scholes's priority would have been extending his United career and he did not want to risk rejection by the Old Trafford veteran.
'Well, that's his opinion isn't it,' said Scholes. 'He's entitled to that.' Would he have said No? Scholes said: 'I've no idea. It was flattering to be talked about. But I wasn't asked, so it means nothing.'
I'd expand upon this point further if it wasn't for the fact that now I've read the Daily Mail I have this sudden urge to set fire to brown people.  Did you know they can shoot lasers from their eyes?!!

Adebayor really likes money

If there's one thing Emmanuel Adebayor love, it's having lots of money, which is why he's still hanging around at Man City until some other millionaire prince sweeps him off his feet.  According to his agent that isn't going to be Spurs.  Or it might be.

TalkSport are running this story today and have this quote from Adebayor's agent:
“He got a very good deal and quite clearly he wants his pound of flesh not only on the way in but on the way out. 
“And I think it’s a deal that will die on its backside so who is it that is going to come and give moneybags Adebayor the money that he wants other than moneybags QPR and I don’t think they’d even be interested in him.”
What's basically happening is that Man City want rid of him because he earns £170,000 a week, which is absolutely ridiculous, and will either accept a bid of over £10million and he has to take a lower wage, or they will accept an offer of essentially £0 so that the other club can pay him more.  Guess which one he wants to do?  If this guy was a hot 20 year old female blonde he'd be married to an oil tycoon by now and I would probably want to have sex with him too.  I'm pretty sure that doesn't make me gay

Rio Ferdinand loves Twitter

Rio Ferdinand has defended his love for social networking thing Twitter and vowed to never stop using it EVER, even if people are really racist on it, including himself.

The FA questioned Ferdinand's use of Twitter after he responded to one guy's 'choc ice' tweet about Ashley Cole, and we've already covered how retarded that is.  Ferdinand told The Telegraph:
“You’ve got to be able to take abuse. If you can’t take abuse, then it’s not the place for you to be on there.
“You have Liverpool fans, Manchester City fans, obviously now Chelsea fans, who seem to follow me and come on there just to abuse me, but I’m not a----.
“I’ve said it before, but that kind of stuff is like fuel. You use that stuff, so when you play their team, there’s a little bit more rivalry about the game
“It’s fun and I treat it as fun. Some people take themselves too seriously on it and they’re the people who are going to get caned by every Tom, Dick and Harry.” 
And he actually comes across really well.  To the extent that I actually feel bad for the amount of times I've probably insulted him on here.  I'm not even sure if I have or not but it does sound like something I'd do. On a non-related note, don't use that line if the police turn up at your door.  Things get weird

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Mario Balotelli wants to be a UFC fighter

Mario Balotelli did an interview where you get asked questions like 'what would you do if you weren't a footballer' and characteristically replied with something I couldn't even make up.

The Italian striker was talking to Umbro as part of one of his sponsorship things when he answered the question with:
"Probably I would want to do UFC...yeah. I really love it"
So there you go.  He's so wacky!  Right guys?  What a crazy man.  I prefer this answer to Emmanuel Adebayor's a few years ago which was genuinely along the lines of "I would be a gangster because everyone at home is".  Even better still was Gary Pallister's which was "blow up a museum".

That's not going to make sense unless you read the post below.  Even then it's still not funny

RVP should go to Man Utd, says Man Utd fan

Gary Pallister, who used to play for Manchester United, has revealed that he thinks Robin van Persie should totally go to Manchester United.  ZOMG

His justification for the quote is that 'strikers get bored at Man City' and van Persie might find himself benched quite a lot, what with Tevez, Balotelli and Aguero also being quite good at football.  It's a valid point, but I still don't understand how it ends up as being front page news.  There must be something else happening in the world.  The only way Gary Pallister should be getting more attention than me is if he blows up a museum, just like he will in the forthcoming movie starring Samuel L Jackson as Gary Pallister.  It's called 'Explosive Night At The Museum. KABOOOOOM'

The kaboom is necessary so that people know the film will be explosive, but not quote revealing enough to ruin the hidden plot twist somewhere in the story.

(the twist is that he blows up the museum)

Liverpool will lose money on Andy Carroll

Alan Pardew has told Liverpool that they must accept a 'significant loss' if they are to get rid of failure striker Andy Carroll.  Now I can't be sure, but I think they will be delighted about that.

The Newcastle manager was speaking about the potential transfer of the giant Geordie only yesterday (BBC):
John Madejski used to say to me about certain players, just wipe your nose and move on.
"And I think [Liverpool] are going to have to do that with Andy
Alan Pardew would be the absolute worst poker of all time.  "Oh yeh well I guess you should probably just fold now because you know, I mean you don't want to possibly lose all of your money do you?" he says, after accidentally finding himself heads up from a failed bluff, with a 7 and a 4 in his hand.  I guess he's still better than me cos I usually end up with a monster truck and a sticker of Celestine Babyaro. I didn't think they even put those in decks of cards anymore

Chelsea sign Oscar

Chelsea have signed midfielder Oscar on a five year deal for about £25million.  That's a lot of money for someone I don't know anything about.

He's Brazilian, a creative midfielder and currently in the Olympic football squad and I assume lives in a bin like his Sesame Street namesake.  That's about all the oscar jokes I have for now.  Jack did the other ones in his last article on this guy, so I'm just to here to confirm that he's signed.  So if you weren't sure that the BBC article on this was real or not, it totally is.  It's a good thing I'm here

Hampden Park is good at Olympics

So the Olympics got off to a cracking start yesterday by nearly starting a war.  Hooray!

As we all know, North Korea is a very forward thinking and understanding nation, which is why they were totally cool with the fact that stadium announcers in glasgow had their players pictured next to a South Korean flag.  It's not as if the olympics are important or anything anyway, so just googling 'korea flag' minutes before you are due to roll the footage was probably the right thing to do, but either way, someone's getting fired.

The North Korean women's team walked off the pitch and delayed play by an hour after the stadium's faux pas, while their countrymen back home celebrated the world cup and super bowl championships they'd won earlier in the day.  I fully expect to be invaded any day now.  Well done guys.  YOU HAD ONE JOB

AC Milan offer refunds to annoyed fans

AC Milan have offered refunds to any supporters who don't want to go anymore now that Zlatan and Thiago Silva have been sold.  How nice

Ahh those poor unfortunate Milan fans.  Here was I feeling a little bit down on Aberdeen's chances of competing at any level this year and then I realised how selfish I was being.  It's ok Milan fans, there will be another tomorrow - there's still time for you to sign some good players!  I know you've had it tough the past few years with only players like Nesta, Pirlo, Robinho, Cassano, Silva, Gattuso, Inzaghi, Ibrahimovic and Ronaldo to watch, but if you like you can come and spend 3 games at Pittodrie?  You can stay at my house?  I think we can really relate on this one guys, I totally get it.

Vincent Kompany has a big contract

Ha ha ha that title is almost like I'm saying he has a big penis.  Maybe he does, friends.  AND WHAT THEN!?

The Man City captain has signed a new 6 year deal which will give him enough time to write the great novel he's always dreamed of.  His is based on a futuristic prison where an evil tyrant starts a rock band to try and bring everyone together as one, and in doing so learns that sometimes, music is the only power he really needs.  Rated 15, because at one bit you see some boobs.  Wait, this is meant to be a book.  Maybe future books are like movies?  I need to think about this one for a while

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

Emmanuel Frimpong charged for hating on Jews

Emmanuel Frimpong dropped a hard Y bomb on Twitter the other night, and the FA have reprimanded him accordingly, by grounding him or something.

So this whole thing started by Frimpong tweeting:
If you going church today Pray For me Giving today A Miss
So straight away we know he's an idiot because he Uses Capital Letters For No Reason.  You'd think his God would at least gift him the ability to spell.  I don't even believe in any of the gods and I can spell most of the time.  Annnnd anyway, one Spurs fan replied:
I prayed you break your arms and legs
OHHHH!  No he di'int!  Yes he did friends.  And did Frimpong take it well?  No!  And that's why he called him:
Yid Scum
So not only is this dude a total bell end for all this DENCH stuff but he also hates Jewish people.  He told me "Hey man, do you know why money is green?  Because all the jews pick it before it's ripe" which I thought was really racist of him.  How could you say that?  I am so disappointed.

Jack Wilshere might never play again

According to a guy on the internet, Jack Wilshere may or may not ever play again.  ERMAGURD

The injury prone midfielder has said that he expects to be back in a month and a bit, or maybe some more around about a year after he was supposed to be back within a month and a bit.  Perhaps I'm just ad-libbing on some internet rumour to fill space, perhaps I am breaking a world exclusive, all I know is that I am to journalism what Winnie The Pooh is to Formula One.  And what I mean by that is I wonder if F1 drivers drive at the speed limit ever on real roads.  You know how sometimes you do drive at exactly the speed limit like it's a game and if you go over you lose a life or something?  I don't do it very much.  About the same amount of time I spend on Grand Theft Auto actually doing missions rather than blowing up hospitals.

So anyway, something about Jack Wilshere.

QPR find Joey Barton loop hole

QPR have come up with an ingenious way of getting Joey Barton back into their starting 11 after he earned himself a 12 match ban.  Nothing can go wrong so they've told everyone about it.

By simply sending Barton on loan to a lower league club, whose games start far sooner and in greater number than his current premiership employers, QPR will quicker run down the number of important matches he actually has to miss.  This might explain why he's been sent to train with Fleetwood Town this week.  Danny Mills, for some reason, is quoted saying:
If it was me I would say it was a great idea. It's not against the rules, some might argue it's against the spirit of the game, but until that loophole is closed then why would you not exploit it? You can't play any kind of football during that time.
Who on earth is looking for Danny Mills for a quote?  Where did they even find him?  And how?  Unless the answer is 'under a bridge and/or accidentally' I don't think I believe it

Chelsea sign Thor....gan Hazard

Chelsea almost made me excited yesterday by signing a character from the Avengers but then it turned out it was just Eden Hazard's brother.  Meh

Roberto Di Matteo's marquee summer signing doesn't move without his kid brother and the 19 year old will also now take up a place on Chelsea's roster.  He will be delighted with the move because there's no better way to earn yourself loads of money than riding off the back of other people's success.  Just ask Elvis about all that gospel music he stole, or maybe don't BECAUSE HE'S DEAD.  Sometimes you people make me sick

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

FIFA 13 manager mode sounds cool

If like me you are bored of playing against Real Madrid at FIFA online, fear not!  The next addition of the series is going to have loads of cool stuff in Manager Mode.  Also, we get loads of traffic when we do something about FIFA, but that's totally irrelevant here.

Some computer games magazines have had a preview of the new game and have a bunch of quotes from the developer saying things like "this is the greatest fifa game yet!" and "it's revolutionary" and stuff like that.  Basically dragged and dropped from every football game developer ever.  Manager Mode on the other hand has some cool things that they have completely stolen from New Star Soccer, which as we all know is awesome.  And I was playing NSS before it was cool so I would know.  Here's some stuff to flesh this out a bit:
This year's big new feature is FIFA 13's new First Touch Control mechanic, which promises to lend the game a more unpredictable nature than in previous FIFA entries. In FIFA 12, for an example, a long pass would find its way onto a player's boot as though the ball and boot were magnetized. Now players will have to allow for bounces, weather conditions, players entering their personal space and the overall skill level of the player they're controlling in order to successfully control a lobbed pass.
So that sounds great.  It means playing in the SPL will be as realistic as it is awful, so even less people can watch it.  The best thing about the game is that Rangers might not be in it at all.  maniacal laugh

What else?  Ummm some stuff about new transfer systems.  Whatever.  You're going to buy it anyway.  Can I have some money now please?

Lee Griffiths sucks

Hibs on-loan striker Lee Griffiths is currently on a pre-season tour of Germany but isn't pleased with his hotel, which he claims is like a 'prison camp'.  I wish it was.

The Scotland under-21 cap can't be arsed with pre-season training because heaven forbid he actually do any real work, what with being a footballer and all.  On the first day of pre-season he tweeted:
 Officially start today #cantbebothered #bed
And that pissed off his manager, who told him to fuck off to Hibs.  Then at Hibs he tweeted:
Hotel like a prison camp .... #getmehomeasap 
So that's cool.  I remember when I was sent away by my work and I had to stay in this hotel in Covent Garden and they didn't even have wi-fi.  What is this, Syria?!!!!

Koscielny signs a new long contract

Laurent Koscielny will be pleased today because not only has he signed a new contract but there's so little happening in the news that I'm about to write an article on him.

So what can we say about Laurent Koscielny that hasn't already been said?  First of all he is actually a robot, having escaped to earth many centuries ago after fleeing his owner on the moon lair he was raised on.  The man was unable to contain his creation when it became clear that the robot had developed human feelings and quickly he grew too powerful for his master, who had only been using him as a way to play Goldeneye when he was bored.  It was a bit of a waste of a lot of money and research tbh, especially as Perfect Dark was actually pretty similar and you could play multiplayer against the computer in it anyway.  So really there was no need to build a robot for it.

The end.

AC Milan want Bendtner. Also Robben

AC Milan have decided to spend some of that cash they got from the sale of their two best players (excluding Pirlo) and want to bring in Nicklas Bendtner and Arjen Robben.  Will they get them?  NO-ONE KNOWS!

Look at Arjen there - so young, so full of wonder!  And then he was attacked by force lightning and now looks about 75.  He's still a good player, if incredibly one-minded and as long as you don't mind playing on the same team as a player who will almost certainly never pass you the ball back you're going to have a great time.  Bendtner on the other hand is good, or quite simply the best ever at everything, if you ask him.  If you ask what his weaknesses are he would say "that I have no weaknesses".  If he were a psychiatrist he'd sit and listen about how depressed you are for about 45 minutes before turning his clipboard round and showing you a picture he'd been drawing of him saving 20 supermodels from godzilla.

Joey Barton is training with Fleetwood Mac

In news sure to delight fans of life everywhere, Fleetwood Mac are reforming, and Joey Barton is helping them with their pre-season!  I for one, am totally excited

The 29 year old has a 12 match ban for trying to start a ruckus on the last day of the season, helping Man City on their way to a historic Premier League victory and for some reason has decided to train with the band, who have hits like "The Chain" and "Go Your Own Way" both of which are awesome. I just found out why he's been left out and it's because he wasn't taken to Malaysia with the rest of the team, which seems a bit harsh, or maybe fair.  I don't know.  Also it's actually Fleetwood Town he's training with.  Not the band.  Why did none of you correct me sooner?  Gee, thanks guys.  Now I look like an idiot.

New York Red Bulls sign Tim Cahill maybe

Everton announced the departure of midfielder Tim Cahill for £1million to New York Red Bulls today, and then New York Red Bulls said "say whaaaaaaaaat?"

The Australian lost some of his powers in the last few seasons and therefore some of his value, which is why he's gone for what seems like a pretty low amount of money.  That's if he even has gone because New York said:
"We are aware of Everton's statement regarding midfielder Tim Cahill and our club. However, we have no comment at this time regarding him or any other non-New York player."
So this is awkward.  It's like when you arrange to go to this super cool party with that really hot girl from work and you're really excited and tell everyone you know, so you get all shirted up and then when you get there she says 'cool I'll see you later on then yeh?' and immediately heads up stairs to get banged by Tim Cahill.


Arsenal are going to sign Cazorla

Arsene Wenger has been quietly assembling a pretty awesome squad this summer, with Podolski and Giroud two pretty big additions.  Now he might even sign an awesome winger in the shape of Santi Cazorla, because it's Santi Cazorla.

The Malaga player has won both Euro 2008 and 2012 with his country and Wenger's €20million-ish looks to have been enough to capture him, like a pokemon.  €20million sounds like an awful lot more than Wenger would ever normally spent but there's a few football type people saying that's what's happening so who am I to judge.  If there's one thing I've learned about the internet it's that everything is true.  I'm off to meet my new Nigerian wife, 'the King of england'.  She sounds hot!

Portsmouth ARE DOOMED

Portsmouth are pretty much nearly dead at the moment because they spent loads of money they didn't have for ages.  They can be saved though, if only the players on super expensive contracts take a pay cut!  They can save the club!  Guess how much they want to do that.

Fat defender you had forgotten about, Tel Ben Haim is just one of these players and he currently takes in £36,000 a week.  I can't blame him for wanting to be paid for a contract he signed and he's claimed that he's missing out on about £2.5million due to administrators and the fact that his employers are sinking into the sewers, which is quite a lot.  Regardless of the fact he's already rich, it's still his money sort of, and it's not all his fault that the company signed him up in the first place.

He's saying that 'waaaaaaaaah I WANT MY £££ and those corporate fat cats are trying to rip us footballers off!  Let's expose them for the money hungry capitalists that they are!  HUZZAH!' and the guy in charge is saying "no-one can afford your ridiculous wages you ungrateful cunts.  I'm going to liquidate the company".  All in all it's a really nice story about rich people fighting over who can have the most money while all the ants watch their hill melt into the ground.

Everyone in this story sucks.

Ronaldo is a Pro Evo Creature

Computer games are really fun and pretty well made nowadays, except for the occasional glitch that makes weird things happen.  Like this one here from 2010:

I'd really like it if Ronaldo could do that in real life but I think science has only come so far.  We can send someone to the moon in 1969 but we can't create humans that morph into terrifying new creatures.  Sure thing guys, I'm glad that research money is being spent wisely.

And unless you are totally lame, you play FIFA anyway.  The only people who still play Pro Evo are the ones who used to play FIFA when ISS 98 was out, and if you are sitting there reading this going 'uhhhhh I've been playing PES since 2008' then I'm afraid you're a dick.

Monday, 23 July 2012

Mario Balotelli has a big bar tab

Mario Balotelli has been hard at work getting ready for the new season by racking up an Ibiza bar's biggest ever drinks tab.  Superb effort, man.

The crazy faced party assassin has been living it up on the Balearic island and in particular in one bar owned by Gary Lineker's brother.  His name is Wayne.  Bruce Wayne?!!!  Maybe.  Actually, no.  DEFINITELY!  BRUCE WAYNE LINEKER FIGHTING EVIL WITH CRISPS



and then Balotelli bought loads of drinks for cool dudes, sluts and lots of people in between and flew off on that dragon dog thing from the Never Ending Story, which is where the story actually ends.  As Balotelli feeds it buckfast and crashes it into Big Ben.

Did I mention we won a comedy award the other night?

Eric Cantona kicks table in anger

Eric Cantona might look like calm, collected and sophisticated Frenchman, but at the core of his soul still lies a trapped, angry animal who just wants to SMASH THINGS KABLAHAAAAAA

According to the former striker's son, his love for Manchester United has never depleted and on the last day of the 2011/2012 Premier League season he took his frustration out on an innocent table, karate kicking it to death.  His son told some random fan:
It smashed to pieces. My dad was angry and upset. He still adores United and we thought they were going to hang on to the title
And then he ran through a wall like the Hulk leaving a Cantona shaped silhouette in the plaster.  Not really, they actually laughed about it.  Heart warming stories like this remind of similar times I've experienced like when I burned down my ex's house or when I lost a 2-0 lead against some Real Madrid mong on FIFA last night.  One of these is obviously worse than the others but in my defence, you should never play FIFA after drinking beer.

Carlos Tevez is a caddy

Carlos Tevez took time out from being an asshole last weekend to caddy for fellow Argentinian golfer, Andres Romero, who I have never heard of.

The golfer might have won, he might have lost, all I know is that some old guy won the actual tournament and he got all the money.  So those other dudes just walked around a golf course for nothing for days at a time.  The only time that isn't annoying is when you are only playing golf for fun, or if you are hiding a dead body.  Then it's just heavy

Michael Carrick is unretired maybe

Michael Carrick has announced his return from international retirement so that Roy Hodgson can play him if he wants.  Possibly.

The Man United midfielder has hinted or said that he might consider being recalled for the England squad, after his self imposed exile from the international set up for the last few months based on the fact that Capello never, ever played him.  It's like when I go to visit my girlfriend and I have to wait in the living room until other dudes finish practising push-ups or whatever in her room.  There's only so long you can play Tiny Wings before you start to get annoyed.  Luckily for me, I'm really patient, and she's such an angel!

Daniel Sturridge 1 - 0 Meningitis

Daniel Sturridge has successfully overcome the annoying bout of meningitis he just obtained and thanked Chelsea's medical team for healing him.

The 22 year old will take part in Team GB and hope that he can help take home a gold medal from the tournament now he has successfully defeated one of nature's great diseases.  He said:
"It is a really difficult thing to get through and, without the help of the Chelsea doctor, my family and my girlfriend, it would have been even more difficult - I would not wish what I have had on my worst enemy."
Damn straight.  Wishing the lame version of meningitis upon your worst enemy is completely pointless - you'd at least hope that they get thing where your neighbour has to come round and get naked too so that he can fix it.  I hated that one.  In retrospect, I should have just gone to a doctor, because I was 25 at the time.

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Assou-Ekotto is good at table football

Benoit Assou-Ekotto is not only really good at being a left back, he's also apparently really good at table football.  Which is cool?  I guess.

So there was this bar in Shoreditch (it's in Engerland) and some dudes were hanging out there and found there were some table football games going on, so they wandered up to play and who should be there but Benoit Assou-Ekotto and his mate.  Who Ate All The Pies said:
[We] didn’t actually end up playing against him, but we were on the next table and he and his friend were just amazing. We’ve got a table at work so we play quite a lot, but he was incredible – the best we’ve ever seen.
“People were queuing up to play him – all good players, people who knew what they were doing. It was ‘winner stays on’ and he must have stayed on that table for at least an hour and a half – maybe two! No-one could beat him.
So there you go.  It reminds me of this time I got bored and went to the strip club with my friend and then we met a stripper there.  She asked for a drink but I remembered you aren't allowed to feed them after midnight, or get water on them either, so thankfully I avoided several hours of hilarious escapades and still no-one had sex.

Aaron Ramsey wants RVP to stay

Celebrity murderer Aaron Ramsey has spoken of the grief he will endure if/when RVP finally leaves Arsenal to try and win something and begged him 'PLEASE DON'T GO ROBIN PLEEAEEASE'

The Welsh heart-throb told another website:
"He had a brilliant season last year and is a big player for us, so we are just hopeful that he will stay"
WOW.  Those words will surely be more than enough to keep Robin from leaving his spiritual home because before Ramsey stepped in he was convinced it was time to move on.  Now... I'm not so sure.  This is like when my girlfriend phoned me and said "JJ I've met someone else sooo I'm never coming back" and I said 'aww that sucks' and then I didn't really hear from her again.  I'm sure she'll be back quite soon though.  I'm just waiting for that phone to ring!

Gareth Southgate quits the FA

Gareth Southgate has quit the FA as head of development coaching and will now wander the streets shouting at people to ask if they remember his name and ask what anything really means anymore.  Happy times

Southgate looks like someone took a Mr Potato and ironed it but that hasn't stopped him from making big changes in the English game that will hopefully see young players learn that assaulting people and kicking the ball very far away will not let you win things.  He offered a predictably boring resignation speech saying how much he liked his time and that he likes everyone there blah blah blah and then walked into his local off license to begin his new career as 'that guy who drinks loads of beer and is totally cool because he does that', like me.  I think you have a problem when you start checking the boxes for broken bottles like they're eggs.  For now, I just trust that they're all fine.

Bebe has still got it

Good news everyone!  Bebe scored a goal for Manchester United!  Here it is:

There you go.  The Portugeuese forward has overcome an injury that kept him out of an entire season with Besiktas last year to play some part in United's pre-season and this goal might stop Ferguson from having him sent to wherever it is homeless people go.  And you might say 'well they're homeless, so they have no where to go' but that is absolute bullshit.  There is no excuse for being homeless in 2012, there are like 1000 shelters everywhere for them.  I was busking once at night in Aberdeen and this mink walks up to me with his sleeping bag on and says 'hey mate you're making me lose all my business' and I was like 'oh I'm sorry... so because I'm playing a fucking guitar on the street and making easy money from pissed students, I'm expected to feel bad for you because you want some more heroin.  I have never ever seen you on the street here at any other time other than the weekend, so I know you are not homeless and are actually a work shy junkie cunt' and then in real life I actually immediately ran away because I was scared he would stab me.

Chris Smalling is injured again

In news that will shock the footballing world (because nothing else is really happening) Chris Smalling has broken something in his foot and won't play until OCTOBER!!! AGHRGGHGH

Chris Smalling is perhaps one of the new kings of 'boring people' in football land and now he has a chance to practise being even more boring as he sits on the sidelines nursing a broken metatarsal until a couple of months into the new season  This wouldn't be so bad for him if he had other stuff going on, but unfortunately he looks like any sound that comes out of his mouth would put an entire room to sleep.  He's like a less dangerous version of Jigglypuff.

Rangers might not get SFA membership

Because the SPL don't want all of their poorly run clubs to go bankrupt because one of them cheated for several years, the SFA might not grant Rangers membership.  Why aren't these two things the same?  Scotland is a small place, please stop making organisations up

I sort of don't read any of these stories about Rangers because I don't believe any of them will come true.  When you see something like 'Rangers might not even be allowed to exist' on the BBC I just think 'yeh but they'll definitely get around that somehow'.  There's no way they won't, and then I think about how much I want to have sex with Anne Hathaway in that Batman film and I don't care about it anymore.  

I hate Neymar

Neymar played in Brazil's game against Team GB yesterday, or today, or something and here is a video of him cheating like the asshole that he is.

So as you can see, the flashy striker does a little trick and then Ryan Bertrand clumsily puts his hand out and rests it on Neymar's neck OH MY GOD SOMEONE GET A FUCKING AMBULANCE.  He starts crying and gets a medic to put ice on the back of his head because he didn't get a penalty and apparently his pride is somewhere near the outer part of his skin, which is why it can be treated with basic medical implements like a sponge.  I phoned Neymar to tell him how much I hate him for stuff like this but he just started shouting back and I don't speak Portuguese.  Or Japanese.  It was something like that he was speaking in.  I definitely phoned someone anyway

Modric won't train

Luka Modric is refusing to train in an effort to force a move to Real Madrid or Chelsea or Manchester United or any other team that wants to pay for him - and making himself look like a royal cock in the process.

Modric looks like a really ugly girl but he plays football so that will never be a concern for him. Last season he wanted a move to Chelsea but was convinced to stay. Spurs then had the easiest chance of getting into the Champions League ever and completely ballsed it up. It probably had something to do with Harry Redknapp whoring himself out for the England job and his face melting when he didn't get it.

Spurs' Chairman Daniel Levy is in America with his ill wife, I don't mean ill in a Beastie Boys way, I mean she's in hospital - and he is said to be rather unpleased with Luka. Rather than fly out to LA, Modric  phoned Van der Vaart and said "screw you guys, I'm going home" and buggered off to Croatia. In retaliation, Levy is going to fine him £15,000 for every day he's not at training. The money will go towards building a jousting ring, where you can watch retired footballers settle their differences on horseback. First up is Andy Cole and Teddy Sheringham.  My moneys on Cole.

Worst strip ever?

Everyone loves terrible football strips and this is easily one of the worst.

That's the new Recreativo de Huelva away strip and it's so dreadful I threw up in my mouth. A Mickey Mouse club wearing a Minnie Mouse strip is what I could say if I was a journalist for the Daily Mail. Fans hate the strip so much that they are going to hold a protest march and demand the strips design be changed.

Designers say it isn't their fault as they only had ten days to come up with new designs for the home and away kits. It wasn't like it was their job to design them, it's not like they are designers or anything - wait... Running out of ideas, one of the architects of this monstrosity got his red finger paint out, handed a template to his three year old daughter and there you have it. 

If you hand me a blank canvas and a bottle of vodka, I will throw up a better design than that. I think that's how this old Aberdeen strip was made.

RVP is Home Alone

Arsene Wenger left Robin Van Persie at home when he flew to Asia but then stated that he will fight to keep him at the club. Why must Wenger turn this website into a house of lies?

Poor Robin Van Persie was left at home while the rest of the Arsenal squad went off on their tour of Asia. He is going to have an action packed weekend, full of booby traps and hi-jinx. There will be some scary moments but in the end he will learn not to believe the rumours about Old Man Marley and the value of family. Or he will sign for Manchester United, but as far as I know that didn't happen in Home Alone.

Wenger said that RVP was left at home for fitness reasons but I don't believe him because he's an owl and owls are supposed to eat mice, not manage football teams.

Zlatan annoys French people

Zlatan Ibrahimovic loves pissing people off so he will be delighted that his recent move to PSG and ridiculous wages, have caused outrage in France.

Zlatan is going to earn over one million euros a month to counter-act the new tax ruling that is going to be brought in later this year. Francois Hollande is going to tax rich people 75% so poor people can afford more cigarettes and alcohol. I'm just saying that to offend people, I'm sure the tax will go to building schools, making strawberry jam and producing tiny jumpers for cats.

Nicolas Sarkoz said "These wages make me indignant and almost disgust me." He's not the president anymore so I imagine he shouted those words at a stranger as he drank red wine out of a brown paper bag, on a park bench. Zlatan won't care because he is Zlatan and if you say anything to offend him, he will karate kick you in the face.

Saturday, 21 July 2012

Thierry Henry has still got it

I absolutely love Thierry Henry and I also love New York.  When you combine the two, suddenly you get SUPER GOOOOOOOOOOOAL

The France legend still has a positional sense and sexy touch that makes him a formidable striker even if he isn't trying because everyone around him is awful.  In this video we see the striker take a long ball on his chest and fire into the back post on the volley just like he did in his old days.  Perhaps it was the time he spent doing sit-ups at the bottom of the prison, perhaps it doesn't matter that we have no idea how he got from the prison to New York, either way all we need to know is that he did somehow because he is awesome.

Man United player strokes a man's snake


So there's this story going about in the papers that Man United are on tour in South Africa and now there are some pictures of them holding a snake, and even some where Hernandez is banging a massive drum with a stick.  "Wow these people are really at one with nature, it's so magical" they said, while over in normal land, Paul Scholes and Michael Carrick were playing golf on top of the ancient burial ground.  I never understand why people come back from these places with giant wooden sculptures which are mostly shit as though somehow this makes them more cultured.  There's nothing more ethnically diverse than a rich white tourist haggling down a poverty struck man whose job is to carve things into bits of wood he finds.

Perhaps it's because I wear my jeans so low, maybe it's because I once watched the Wire, or it might just be because I am so gangster - either way, I have completely forgotten what it was I was going to say here.  Something about wood.

European football has begun

European football is already upon us for the new season as all those teams from the unimportant countries battle it out to try and get beaten by a bigger club in the next round.  STEP IN MOTHERWELL

Our Scottish boys from Motherwell will play Greek side Panathinaikos, which will at least give them a nice little holiday away from their home before they don't have to travel anymore.  If they don't combust upon seeing sunlight for the first time since Summer began, they will lose comfortably against the Greek leagues number 2 side.  Back to our nation's best chance of winning anything, Celtic are set to play against HJK Helsinki, who at the moment are 7-0 from their first round game against a team nobody cares about.  The BBC says it is likely they will probably progress but I'm just not sure 7 goals will be enough.  It's just so tight.