Monday, 4 June 2012

The worst Euro 2012 preview on the internet

It's almost here!  June 8th will mark the beginning of Poland and Ukraine's Euro 2012 tournament and if we don't all die from racism just watching it on TV we should have an amazing time.  There will be goals, red cards, tantrums, excitement, penalties, people might die and we'll hopefully see lots of titties.  It's what football was invented for!  Here is our preview, nation by nation and group by group for the games.

Again, you've been warned that it isn't very good.



The most obvious thing we can say about the Czech Republic is that Jan Koller is very tall.  Does he still play for them?  I don't know, but what I do know is that this is just one of the teams in the tournament that I couldn't give two flying shits about.  I am aware that Milan Baros still gets a game and Petr Cech will be there wearing his silly hat.  Other than that I honestly don't care.  The only main export of Czech Republic  I can think of is Budvar, and this wins them 5 points.  I think their strip is OK.


Famous for having absolutely no money and threatening to bankrupt the entire world, Greece is not only possibly the most beautiful place on the entire planet but my girlfriend is from there and if I don't speak highly of it there's genuinely a very high chance I'll be murdered.  Winners of the tournament in 2004 using a highly sophisticated technique of 'defending for 90 minutes until we get a corner and then get some tall dude to header it in', ελλαδα will be hoping that a similar style of football will somehow help them escape Group A.  It shouldn't be too hard because first of all their strip is awesome and secondly they are surrounded by communists, who as we all know, don't have souls.  

Commentators everywhere will struggle with the polysyllabic names and squeal with delight when Samaras or Karagounis gets on the pitch because they've heard of those guys.  They will also reference the fact that Greece are playing for the hopes of 'an entire nation' as they cut to 2000 fans in the stadium sitting pretending not to be poor.  Σ 'αγαπω ελλαδα, παρααλουμε να κερδισει.


Famous for most of the country having left and moved literally anywhere else, Poland are joint hosts of the tournament and according to sensationalists at Panorama, love Nazis.  If the weather isn't cold and people aren't eating potatoes nothing else is going on in Poland, and I can't name a single player in their team other than Robert Lewandowski who scores goals for Borussia Dortmund.  They've never been further than the group stages of the competition and if this arguably racist summary of their team isn't enough to help you want to support them then I don't know what will.


What can we say about Russia other than that combined with America in the 50s they almost caused the destruction of the entire world?  When I think of Moscow I think of James Bond villains drinking vodka while wearing a furry hat and also that I once had a meal in a Russian restaurant and it was genuinely the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten.  This is obviously not indicative of an entire nation but I'm just trying to think of things to say without being forced to reference Die Hard or Rocky.  Andrei Arshavin?

The pint sized ex-Arsenal player will hope to prove some of his doubters wrong by leading mother Russia to glory in the tournament, and that way spread the wonderful joy of communism throughout the land.  As the USSR they actually won the competition in 1960 but since embracing democracy haven't done too well.  Which goes to show that it doesn't work, you infidel pigs.



Famous for Peter Schmeichel and bacon, Denmark won Euro 1992 and this time around they have Christian Eriksen, one of the most highly regarded midfielders in European football.  Whether he's good or not is up to YouTube commenters to decide but with no Laudrups gracing the squad this year, Denmark might find it difficult to escape the dreaded GROUP OF DEATH.  Nicklas Bendtner will be on hand as the GREATEST STRIKER EVER IN HIS OWN MIND to probably score a goal but that's pretty much all I can see happening.  So..... yeh. What's up with you anyway?


The instigators and losers of two world wars, Germany are the financial powerhouses of Europe and have arguably the greatest squad in the entire competition.  Industrious, well drilled and talented, Germany are the bookie's second favourites and my tip to win the whole thing if only because Schweinsteiger plays there and I really like him.  He couldn't look anymore like a perfect German if he tried.

Ignoring the awkward Nazi/trying to rule the world stuff, this country is now famous for sausages and Michael Ballack:

Berlin is also cool place to go and Aberdeen once drew 2-2 with Bayern Munich, so coupled with the fact that they have the best players and the most bad ass strip in the competition, this is why I'm pretty certain they'll win.  And if they don't they can just rebuild and try again in a few years with a different leader.  Or just try and enslave us all.  Hooray!


The Netherlands, as it's actually called, won Euro 1988 and have one of the most talented attacking teams in world football.  Arjen Robben, Robin van Persie and Wesley Sneider are all some of the best in their position on the planet right now but as with everyone in the GROUP OF DEATH have to get their shit together to escape the opening stages.  Internationally renowned for being pretty chilled out, the Netherlands are most associated with drugs, ridiculously hot prostitutes, tulips and sex shows involving bananas.  

Also I like Schipol airport and the black away strip is sweeeeeet.  So this is why they might do well.


RONALDO!  Without cosmic Cristiano, Portugal don't look like the most powerful of teams despite having a selection of players like the ghost of young Michael Jackson and Joao Moutinho.  Ricardo Carvalho and Jose Bosingwa don't get in the squad because they started a ruckus in some training camp a long time ago but they still have half man/half beast Pepe.  His job will be to kill and eat on sight any one that tries to dribble a ball past him and then pass said ball to Ronaldo, who whether told to or not, will try and skin every single member of the opposition and then cry when they don't pass it to him.  He's that guy at 5 a side that never passes, scores 1000 goals and everyone stops trying because they either can't possibly win, or if you are on the same team don't get to have any fun.  You'll win a trophy but no-one really wanted to enter in the first place because you just wanted to fanny around with your pals and then get drunk.  Not be all professional and stuff.  



Slaven Bilic is really cool and this makes watching Croatia a hip thing to do.  Ivica Olic is the most high profile player in the team next to Luka Modric but again, without those guys I'm not really too fussed.  The strip, as always, is awesome and the most famous thing I can recall Croatia ever doing in a Euro championship is having Davor Suker lob Peter Schmeichel from 25 yards.

So if someone could do that again, that'd be just swell.


If they aren't eating pizza they are being really sexy, Italy are regular performers at Euro tournaments, winning it in 1968 as well as finishing second as recently as 2000.  There'll be no Del Piero or Roberto Baggio to admire but instead we can expect hilarities from Mario Balotelli and delicious passing from Andrea Pirlo.  Famous for match fixing, if Italy end up controversially winning a lot of these games don't be too surprised.  Don't question it too much because if movies have taught me anything it's that you'll have to sleep with some fishes if you do.  Although those guys are really American, they just have family from Italy.  I don't think that's really the same thing.  If any mafia or mob type gangsters are reading this, I think you're totally cool so please don't abduct anyone from my family.  Or on second thoughts just don't abduct me, I'm too important.  I'm sure I can replace the other guys.


Potatoes!  h H ahh ah ah ha.  Somehow Ireland made it all the way to Euro 2012, and "everyone's second favourite team" will be hoping some of that leprechaun magic pays off if they are to have any hope beating Spain or Italy.  And if you think praying to an imaginary bearded midget is weird, then call the police because I've got one in my shed and it's not.  And if turns out he's not a leprechaun then may just I pre-empt this whole investigation outcome and say sorry.

Something about Robbie Keane and lucky charms.


The current world and european champions will be hoping to continue the form they began in 2008 when no other team could work out how to beat them.  In club competition it would certainly appear that just 'defending' is enough to knock the Spaniards off their style of wonderful pass and move football, but with a team that boasts Iniesta, Xavi, Ramos and Alonso, even Fernando Torres looks OK.  Spain's tactics will now probably contain a way of making sure he doesn't get too much of the ball.  Aaaaaand they'll probably win it, if Germany don't.



Famous for arrogance, skin heads and football hooliganism, England go into this tournament pretending that they think they are 'under-dogs', even managing to make this fake modesty sound like a war cry.  Those silly cunts with trumpets will be there annoying everyone watching both at the game and on TV at home, and John Terry will be there photo bombing everything he can.  Wayne Rooney is the outstanding member of the cast but he's banned for the first two matches for kicking someone in the leg, very hard.  The away strip is a good looking change from the usual red, which is probably a good thing since this colour tends to rear its head on the print of a referees card as someone is sent off at very important parts of very important games on a regular basis.  

There is one guarantee from any England side, and that is that they will definitely lose on penalties should a match come down to that.  Also Ashley Cole will continue to be one of the greatest players of his generation but ruin it all by being an insufferable bell end. 


France is the home of baguettes and rabies, but also has the second and third coolest tops in the competition.  They deserve three points for the designs alone, but these might prove to be the only they get since Laurent Blanc thinks they aren't physically ready to play yet, and also everyone keeps arguing with each other.  Frank Ribery and his gargoyle demons will attempt to upset opposition players but even Karim Benzema and Samir Nasri might not be enough to take Les Bleues to Euro glory this year because they are mostly cheese eating surrender monkeys.



  Hot girls.  Henrik Larsson used to play there.  Home strip is cool.  The Hives.

Everyone kinda likes Sweden so it's a shame that they aren't really *that* good.  Ibrahimovic is a good enough player, like Ronaldo, to carry a team through to later stages but his supporting cast are no where near the level of 'legendness' that Zlatan is.  That's probably a real word.


Famous for its prostitutes and Andrei Shevchenko, Ukraine is along with its co-hosts at the centre of a huge uproar about racism in the terraces.  Officials say they are convinced that there will be no violence or controversial scenes this summer but that's because they have to, and they also haven't watched Panorama.  Andrei Veronin won't be there but if you remember how criminally shite he was you would do well to just imagine an entire team like that.

Of course they'll over perform as a home nation and sneak a win here or there, but the historic greatness of Valeriy Lobanovskyi, or however you spell that (I got it right!) is a thing of the past.  The greatest you can expect Ukraine to do is turn up.  It's pretty exciting, I know.


And that ladies and gentleman, is all.  I'm sure you'll agree this is the least educated and worst piece of Euro 2012 writing you've ever seen but the joke's on you because you read it.  Or maybe it's on me.  I can't tell, life can be confusing just now.  I want Greece to win, they won't, I'd really like Scotland to have qualified so I could have been equally as critical of them as I have been of these nations but that's the thing about life. Some of us are just shit at it.

Also thanks to Who Ate All The Pies for letting me steal all of the photos of the strips.  I'm sure they won't mind.