Friday, 29 June 2012

Wayne Rooney is shit, say managers

Wayne Rooney was god awful in Euro 2012 and heavily contributed to why England were so terrible in the tournament, according to Roy Hodgson and Fabio Capello, who especially hates him.

Hodgson has already expressed his disappointment in how bad Rooney actually was, and Capello just couldn't wait to kick him in the balls while he was already down.  In response to Rooney's 'some tactics were lost in translation' review of Capello's tenure as England manager, the Italian said:
"After seeing the latest [England] game, I think Rooney only understands Scottish,"
I'm not sure Rooney understands Gaelic because no-one does other than old people and old people suck.  Although Wayne Rooney does like banging old ladies so potentially that is where he learned gaelic from.  Either that or Capello is referring to Alex Ferguson being Scottish and being able to get Rooney to play well, whereas he was unable to get the Manchester United forward to win games for his country or really do anything other than be disappointing and/or sent off.  I can only assume that because Capello is Italian his team talks consisted of pizza spinning like how you do with plates, but instead with pizzas.  Or maybe he did something else that's actually funny.  Like do a backflip with a horse into the sea.  Now that I'd pay to see!

Gareth Bale signs 4 year deal, immediately regrets it (maybe)

Gareth Bale is arguably one of the best left sided players in world football at the moment (I don't know any players outside of England, Scotland and Euro 2012) but that hasn't stopped him from ruining his career!

The space monkey has agreed to a new 4 year deal just as it's pretty much been confirmed that AVB will be the new Spurs boss.  This means he will get to enjoy the torturous few months where the Portguese manager realises that winning stuff is actually hard when you don't have the greatest team in the entire country playing against a team that has to wash cars on the weekend to raise funds for their bus trip.

Of course, perhaps there weren't actually any interested clubs in Bale and signing a big pay deal right now.  When you consider that Jordi Alba cost £11million and Spurs want about £80billion for Bale, suddenly you realise that nothing is right in the world and that the North London club might be about to decline.  Or maybe they'll win stuff.  I don't know, I'm not a wizard.

Stuart Pearce hates Britain / ruins the olympics

Stuart Pearce revealed to the nation that he hates patriotism and everything British by not including David Beckham in his squad for TEAM GB in this summer's Olympics that no one fucking cares about.

Honestly I have no interest in the Olympics at all.  If Beckham had been playing it might have been quite fun, like a competitive version of that Masters 5 a side thing Sky sometimes does but with really good players, but now it's like Craig Bellamy, Ryan Giggs and Micah Richards and a bunch of teenagers.  Like a shit episode of Scooby Doo where nothing happens.  "Ahh old man Pearce was actually Oliver Bierhoff all along!"

So good job for ruining the Olympics, Stuart Pearce.

Lukas Podolski is a pop star

Lukas Podolski is quite good at football but that accolade alone isn't enough to fulfil him.  He's only gone and done some singing!

Wearing a very sexy tie with a t-shirt BUT THOSE THINGS DON'T GO TOGETHER!  YOU CRAZY YOU CRAAAAAAZY ARGHHGHG and singing in a fairly low register to add some depth to the 'real' singer's voice, here we can see a Podolski in his preferred environment.  Yes rather than tear up football pitches, the Arsenal forward secretly actually just wants to be used as a way for an obscure pop act to gain some fans, which is what I think this is.  It's like when I asked Jim Leighton to stick a FitbaThatba sticker on his car but now he refuses to leave my kitchen.  And he always puts too much milk on my cornflakes, and puts crisps in my packed lunch even though I don't really like prawn cocktail or cheese and onion and to be honest, this whole situation just isn't working out.

Barcelona sign Jordi Alba

As we all know, Jordi Alba is the greatest left back in Europe right now, and in no way is this something I think having only watched the last two Spain games.  BARCELONA GOT HIM

The very pacey left sided player has been bought for £11million from Valencia and therefore return home to the club that he started his youth training with.  This is like when Luke Skywalker abandoned his training in the Degobah system to rescue his friends in Poland, and then returned home to find that Pep Guardiola had died.  Yes I really liked that movie.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Germany cannot beat Italy

Unless It's a war, Germany just cannot seem to get the better of Italy. That continued tonight as Balotelli scored twice and showed us all how skinny he is.

Italy like major tournaments. They have strolled through this one without really breaking a sweat, fully encapsulated by the performances of Pirlo. Germany may have played the best football in this tournament but the Italians don't give a shit about that. If one man really doesn't care about other people, that man is Balotelli. 

He hasn't really done that much in this tournament but his goals have ensured Italy will play against Spain in the final this Sunday. A game that could prove to be the most boring final of all time. Hopefully Balotelli will drive onto the pitch in a three-wheeler, accompanied by fireworks and "Hells Bells" by ACDC- or just drop kick the referee, which ever is easiest. His second goal was great to see, it's always nice to see someone hitting the ball as hard as possible and for it to fly into the top corner rather than hit the corner flag.

Those two goals have probably put an end to racism in Italy so we should be happy about that. Now we need Spain to lose. The only thing worse for the Spanish than the financial crisis, is a black man scoring the winner against them in a final. Make it happen.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Chinese man dies watching Euro 2012

A Chinese man has died after staying awake for 11 days in a row to watch Euro 2012.  The last straw was apparently some point during the Spain v France game when his body just gave up through boredom.

So far I think the death count for Euro 2012 is 1, but if you know of any more please feel free to add it in the comments because that would be a nice thing to do.  The Chinese dude in question went to work, rested a tiny bit when he got home and then went out at like 2.45am to watch the matches, took a whole bunch of pills to keep himself awake, drank some pints and then went straight to work.  For 11 days.  A doctor said:
“Jiang was in good health. But staying up through the night and not sleeping enough weakened his immune system and he drank and smoked while watching the football, triggering his condition. If you use beer to replace water that is not good. Alcohol harms the body,”
Uhhh gee thanks for the patronising mr doctor sir.  I think I'd know if beer was better than water for staying alive, I'm not some kind of idiot.  Next you'll be telling me that it's not safe to drive after you've only had like 5 pints - it makes me better at going faster!  Damn scientists ruining my fun

Italian newspaper makes Balotelli King Kong

An Italian newspaper decided to publish a cartoon of Mario Balotelli as King Kong, and as we all know, making any reference to a black person as an ape is hugely racist so now they are all like SORRY GUYS.

@SonoTuttoBene (from DirtyTackle)
Balotelli is said to be annoyed/upset about the cartoon and so they have since sort of apologised.  They also said that they chose this cartoon because the artist was:
trying to project the image of Balotelli dominating England during the quarter‑final in Kiev on Sunday
Which I think is actually a pretty good and accurate summary of what the cartoon does.  Of course, I have never depicted a black person as a giant ape because of various reasons like not being retarded, being terrified of what the internet would say if I suggested that perhaps this isn't racist, and that I thought King Kong was shit.  Is it racist if I don't like King Kong?  I also don't like Justin Long, he's absolutely awful.  Even in New Girl, which I actually think is OK.  I saw a Fish Called Wanda the other day as well - have you seen how hot Jamie Lee Curtis used to be?  Man.  I feel like we've gone off topic.  What were we talking about again?  Oh yeh, Mario Balotelli is really racist

Ronaldo doesn't feel pressure

Ronaldo is about to play Spain on his own tonight but does he feel the pressure?  Does he feel it?!!  No

The Real Madrid forward has denied that he's even really bothered about how an entire nation is trying to think of ways to stop him getting the ball in tonight's Euro 2012 semi-final and I for one believe him. He's probably definitely going to be the best player on the pitch and now he's started doing his hair like Superman I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he starts doing like somersaults over Sergio Ramos' head. Portugal's team talk goes something like "pass the ball to Ronaldo, especially you Nani" and Spain's is a reading from a poem followed by a Q&A.  And they have a DJ that plays whatever the kids in Williamsburg listen to at the moment.

Yes they can be boring, but it's much better football than England or someone like that.  Plus, if they're playing against someone that actually makes them try then that's a good thing.  It's like when you play your friend at FIFA and he's really bad so you just mess around with the skill buttons and try and walk the ball in the net.  And then you fondle each other on the couch and it's just so OH GOD WHAT AM I SAYING

More Rangers players want to abandon them

So it turns out none of the Rangers players are actually that committed to this whole idea of 'sticking together' and playing for the newco.  Even the minky players are jumping ship now!

Having lived in the sewers for most of his life, Kyle Lafferty is just one of the 'big' names who might need to find new accommodation in another part of the world as his club continues sinking to the bottom of the sea.  Allan McGregor has also lodged a complaint about his transfer to a newco because he's already tried to shag everyone except the hot ones in Glasgow and it's no fun, and now Rangers' captain Steven Davis objects to the situation.

I'd say I felt sorry for them if I did, but I really, really don't.  My only concern is that when everyone finally abandons Ibrox it starts glowing and releases loads of demons like in Ghostbusters

Danny Murphy joins Blackburn

In a move that seemed to slip under everyone's radar, Danny Murphy has signed a 2 year contract with Blackburn Rovers.  Apparently when you reach a certain age you just give up.

I remember when Murphy was a young highly tipped prospect at Liverpool and now he's 35 and so basically dead in footballer years.  Back then the world was his oyster - he had potential, the drive and nothing could stand in his way, other than never really becoming that good.  It's like when you spend forever making a curry completely from scratch but then it just kinda tastes ok in the end and you would have been better just making that pizza you had in the freezer.  That's what Danny Murphy's career has been like.  A frozen pizza.

United States of Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney was really good* at Euro 2012 and I was up until about 3am making this last night because for about 5 minutes I thought it would be a good idea

And now you can see why it's not.

Sorry for stealing your work, Liam Lynch.


Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Joey Barton is fined

Joey Barton is a philanthropist of the highest order and only occasionally does he relax his demure of the pacifist to elbow someone in the face and then try and start a brawl.

The QPR midfielder has been stripped of his captaincy and fined £400,000 for his actions in the game against Man City on the last day of the Premier League season, which let me remind you, was awesome.  His comment was
"My behaviour was wrong and I accept the punishment imposed upon me."
Which is boring, because I can't really make anything fun out of that.  It's actually quite a mature response.  So instead, let's all enjoy a version of the best song of the year so far

John Terry's legal team is smart

According to the BBC, John Terry's legal team might try and play a 'bad character' game against Anton Ferdinand, in the England defender's upcoming racism trial.

joke (c) of South Park

You'd all forgotten about this hadn't you!  While John was off enjoying Euro 2012, his legal team had been working on their strategy to try and save what shred of reputation he had left.  I'll just show you what the BBC said:
Mr Terry's barrister, George Carter-Stephenson QC, has now said he is considering making the application.
Bad character applications are used to cast doubt on a witness's evidence.
It's an interesting tactic but perhaps one that plays to their strengths.  How better to defend an odious weasel than playing dirty, and I guess it just goes to show that some people must deserve to be racisted against allegedly.  Another strategy they could use is have Terry take the stand, dismiss every question as quickly as he can and throw it back at a guy in the back of the room, and do this for as long as it takes to go to penalties and then eventually lose.  Ha ha aha hahaa a a

That was an easy joke.

England fans are nice

While the world watched over Ukraine and Poland for racists and thugs, England fans were busy taking to their keyboards and social networking sites to post abuse about black people and then some even nicer chaps started a near riot in an English town called Bedford.

Andrea Pirlo's penalty was brilliant for two reasons.  First of all, technically it was perfect, secondly, the sheer audacity and balls it took to pull off the move seemed to completely swing the psychological victory over to the Italian players, as the England players collectively realised how terrible they are in comparison.  When Professor Snape starts pulling mad skills against you in an international match, at the age of like 59, you know it's time to give it up.  That's why one guy in the picture above this has his nob out to try and put off the winning penalty taker.

In other news, 150 people attacked a bunch of Italians in an English town, or more specifically their cars.  The Italians had formed a cavalcade of cars, and I'm not really sure what that means but I think it's like what I used to do on Grand Theft Auto when you'd get a whole bunch of vehicles and block off a road so you could blow up loads of stuff and the police couldn't get to you.  I think these guys were just celebrating winning a game of football which is boring in comparison, but not everyone can be as bad ass as me.  I didn't even wake up until 12.30 today MOTHER FUCKERS

Motherwell are scared

Motherwell are one of very few clubs who might vote yes for the Rangers newco to be allowed back into the SPL because they think they'll lose a whole bunch of money if they don't.  Boooooo

Because Motherwell sucks, here's a picture of Kate Upton instead.  I have no idea what team she supports, or if she even knows what soccer is.  All I know is that boner

Eusebio is not dead

Portugal legend Eusebio is still alive, having been taken into hospital after a heart scare.

If like me you had first heard about Eusebio because you played him on the Classic 11 team on FIFA or Pro Evo, you too will be distraught to learn that the Mozambique-born striker has something up with his heart and now has to monitored all the time to ensure that he doesn't die.  Having won the golden boot in World Cup 66, Eusebio is widely regarded as one of the best players of all time but he's not even immortal.  If you expect me to take you seriously as a footballer you at least have to to be able to live forever.  Or be able to summon lightning from the sky and use it for good.  Never for evil though. No.  I learned my lesson.  And the people of Costcutters did too!  I should have gone to a strip club instead.  Bitches love lightning.

Laurent Blanc/everyone doesn't like Nasri

Samir Nasri took losing really well the other night, by wandering about the press zone after the match and swearing at people.  Like Malcolm Tucker trapped in the body of a 12 year old lesbian.

The French midfielder now faces a potential two year ban from the French team as Les Bleus look to stop their players from arguing all the time and ruining their chances of winning anything.  The Telegraph said:
"you are looking for s***, you are looking for trouble" when approached for a quote after the defeat to Spain in Donbass.
When the journalist in question told Nasri to "get lost" the midfielder continued the abusive rant and said "f*** you" before inviting him outside for a man-to-man conversation.
A man to man conversation with Samir Nasri would be about as life endangering as if some random dude challenged you to try and fit his shaft and balls in your mouth, because that's exactly all that happens.  And then he cries afterwards.

Arsenal sign Giroud

Arsenal have completed the signing of French striker Olivier Giroud for £12million.  In other news.... I'M BAAAAAACK!  Did you miss me?

I guess you probably can't tell a lot of the time.  Any hows, Arsenal have now signed two pretty decent players in the shape of Podolski and this guy and considering how much of a cunt Samir Nasri appears to actually be it doesn't seem like such bad business for the Gunners after all.  Wenger sells Fabregas and Nasri for millions, is berated for it, finishes third, replaces them with two players that don't cause unrest in a squad and still has a whole summer to get some other good players in.  Meanwhile, Man City look over their shoulders and buy Arsenal.  And I didn't see a single prostitute in the entire of Poland.

Monday, 25 June 2012


I couldn't be bothered thinking of an intelligent headline. England went out on penalties last night and the whole world united in uttering the words, "I knew this would happen."

Let's be honest, England were shit. Joe Hart decided to kick the ball straight to an Italian player every single time he had it, they couldn't pass, they couldn't keep the ball - it was a shambles. Luckily for them, with a combination of Italy aiming for John Terry and Joleon Klingon Lescott helping out, they hung on for penalties.

Playing for penalties when you are England is a really bad idea. Joe Hart tried his best to put off the Italian players but ended up just distracting himself and didn't actually save one penalty. He could take credit for Montolivio missing but that would be desperate.You could tell Ashley Young was going to miss by his run-up, there was aboslutely zero composure as he hit the ball as hard as he could, straight down the middle and off the bar. Everything Ashley Young wasn't, Andrea Pirlo was - he strolled up with a cigarette in his mouth and dinked the ball over Joe Hart.

Usually the consummate arrogant twat, it was actually Ashley Cole who took the deciding penalty for England. For the first time in his life, he actually looked like he was shitting himself and it was reflected in his penalty that he passed to Buffon. England should probably practice penalties or what would be even easier is to actually try and win a game in 90 minutes. This is a magical tactic that is employed by most of the successful nations.

Rangers' players do walk away

Like that terrible Craig David song, Rangers players are walking away from the troubles in their life. Steven Naismith and Steven Whittaker have refused a transfer to a newco.

The pair now claim to be free agents after getting the lawyers to make up a special letter that says, "I don't want to play for some shitty newco in Division 3, bye!". Rangers haven't taken the news very well and plan to sue. Maybe they can just start suing everyone? It's better than their current business plan which is buying £500 Euromillions tickets every week.

Both players talked about their love of the club and loyalty but as Rangers no longer exist, they no longer care. That's loyalty people. It looks as if Rangers will not be voted straight back into the SPL and all their players are leaving. With so much uncertainty around, everyone is asking the same question -just how many points will Celtic win the league by next year? I'm going for 40.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Spain win: Everyone moans

Spain defeated France 2-0 last night, in the most boring game of the tournament. Everyone was annoyed, especially Samir Nasri.

Spain have become the Ricky Gervais of football. Once loved and lauded by everyone, they became too successful for their own good and seem to have stopped trying to entertain and disappeared up their own arse. For what it's worth, I still love Ricky Gervais and the Spanish football team but nobody cares about my opinion.

Xabi Alonso looking smugger than a cat licking it's own privates, scored two goals to ease Spain into the semi-finals. The first goal was a decent header from a superb Jordi Alba cross and the second was from the penalty spot after Pedro did the world's sexiest step-over and won a penalty. 
France did nothing, absolutely nothing. Apart from maybe Ribery who managed to scare away defenders with his hideous face and make some room for himself.

The football world reacted in typical football style, declaring this as the worst game ever in the history of the universe. Spain don't give a fuck about us, they don't play football to entertain the world - they want to win the tournament and they probably will.

I've got this horrible feeling England are going to win the tournament. If that happens I plan to move to that nuclear bunker down in Fife until the whole thing blows over. I very well may die down there.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Russia fans fined for being mental

The World Cup in 2018 is going to be in Russia, which means they have six years to try and teach their fans not to be mental.

Russia have now been fined three seperate times for their fans' actions at Euro 2012. Hammering the Czechs in their first game, their fans got very excited about their team's prospects and celebrated the win by throwing flares onto the pitch. Ironically they reacted exactly the same way in their last game when they actually lost to Greece 1-0. It seems that in Russia the policy is "win or lose, fuck it - throw a flare".

In their next game they played Poland and unveiled the banner above. A little bit inflammatory considering the years of tyranny and ruling over Poland - a country that pretty much despises them. Many fans tried to get on the pitch when they scored and more worryingly gangs of thugs strolled around before and after the game, punching and kicking their way through people wearing Poland strips. 

To summarise: setting off and throwing fireworks, invading the pitch, displaying illicit and far-right banners and kicking the shit out of strangers for wearing a football strip.

This has resulted in a six point deduction in their next qualifying campaign and a fine of around £96,000. Thankfully the Russian Football Union have said they will appeal the "severe" punishment because beating up people, racism, far-right banners and throwing fireworks are just normal every day occurences in Russia. I mean we all take heroin in Scotland but is heroin illegal? Yes, it is.

Racist Liverpool Fan Banned from Football Games

Remember the Evra-Suarez race war? When all that was going on, one of Liverpool's thousands of minky fans were caught on camera doing a monkey impression. The man in question has been found guilty of doing a racism and his punishment is the most pathetic thing I've ever read.

You should never judge a book by it's cover but you should judge a human by their face. Look at this state of this chap, his name is Phillip Gannon. He is the man who has been found guilty of racially abusing Evra by calling Evra a monkey and doing a crude monkey impression. Monkeys are actually more intelligent than Phillip Gannon so I hope he apologies to them as well as well as Evra, but he won't because he's a scum-bag.

Gannon even went to the trouble of learning a little bit of French in order to give more cutting abuse to Evra. Evra does actually speak fluent English but I'm sure he appreciated the effort. "Tu es petit noir homme merde" ("You little black shit man") - is what he allegedly said. Other insults that came out of the mouth of this cave dweller were,  "pikey", "pikey twats", "pikey bastards" and "pikey cunts". Clearly not a fan of Pikeys. Also not a fan of disabled people who he called "spastic mutants." 

This is clearly a vile human being who shouldn't actually be allowed out in public. If it was up to me I would have had him castrated and his genitalia taped over his mouth for the rest of his life. Instead he was banned from attending Liverpool and England games for four years and banned from the Liverpool city centre for four hours before and after games. Incredibly he was only fined £180 and made to pay prosecution costs of £300 -which such a stern punishment, there is absolutely no chance he will ever racially abuse anyone, again, ever in the next 30 seconds.

Angela Merked

My illustrious counter-part was actually at this game and I'm definitely not jealous at all. He had the pleasure of watching his beloved Greece get raped in the flesh but at least he saw plenty of goals and probably drank his weight in delicious Polish beer.

Joachim Loew is one cool bastard. Despite his team winning all three of their group games, he thought he would change Germany's front three just because he can and the result was four goals. Greece have been slightly defensive in this tournament and by slightly I mean ridiculously. I'm not really sure what they thought would happen if they did nothing but defend against Germany but what did happen was a 4-2 defeat. How they scored two is a mystery.

My hero Philip Lahm opened the scoring late in the first half with a lovely strike from outside of the box. The camera panning to Angela Merkel celebrating made me throw up in my mouth. At half-time I thought there would be absolutely no way of the Greeks coming back into it but incredibly Georgio Samaras of all people equalised. JJ (the other one) actually looks a bit like Samaras, I'd like to think it was actually him that ran on the pitch and scored - before getting arrested and deported.

At 1-1 the Germans didn't panic because they are German, and as far as I know panicking is punishable by death in Germany. Khedira thundered in a volley to make it 2-1 after the Greek defense had been pulled side to side for ten minutes, it was like when you shine a light for a cat to chase after. Maybe it's just my cat, he's a retard. Klose scored his 1,000th goal for his country with a header and then just for fun- Marco Reus volleyed in the ball at 100mph off the bar to score into an open goal, when he could have just tapped it in.

Greece scored a penalty about the 90th minute but it was too little too late. Greece will now stop watching football and go back to coffee drinking, smoking and rioting. Germany will probably meet England at some stage, England will lose on penalties and Gareth Southgate will appear in a Pizza Hut advert. Is it 1996?

Friday, 22 June 2012

French Fighting. Shock

Things "kicked off" a bit after France were beaten by Sweden but Laurent Blanc is confident that everything is cool now.

That of course is two French men kissing, not fighting. This is what French people do, they fight and then kiss. And of course surrender and make delicious cheese. After getting hammered by Sweden, the French players did what they do best and all blamed each other. With a game against Spain on the horizon, the French need to sort their shit out and Blanc says that what's happened.
"After everyone had a cold shower and time to cool off we sat down together and talked things through. Now it is a new start, a new beginning for our players."
France will either win 5-0 and play the best football ever seen or they will squabble like five year-olds and disgrace themselves- bending over and receiving a spanking, because that's the French way.  

Milan Baros retires: World shrugs it's shoulders

Devastating news for the Czech Republic, superstar striker Milan Baros has retired from international duty. How will they score now?

Milan Baros has announced his retirement from international football and the whole world is mourning. Baros  is somehow the proud owner of the Golden Boot award from Euro 2004, and actually has an incredible record of 41 goals in 93 games for his country.

For Liverpool and the rest of his career in England he received the Wouldn't Hit Water If He Fell Off A Boat award. I think he scored some goals in Turkey but nobody counts them. Baros is only 30 but has realised that he's definitely not very good anymore and was booed by his own fans against Russia. Rosicky will probably retire as well because the Czech Republic team isn't very good anymore so there is no point even trying.

Farewell Baros, you have a Champions League winners medal - that is mental.

Greece vs Germany is important

The mighty Greece play Germany this evening in a quarter final that fans of the economy around the world will enjoy, as the troubled Hellenic nation try to prove a point to Angela Merkel, who is going to be there.


Gdansk is absolutely rammed full of German people, and I know this because I am actually here. As in there. In Gdasnk. I'll prove it.


To the Greeks this game means slightly more than just winning a football game, it's pretty much a way to say "GET IT UP YE" to the German nation trying to buy all their stuff. I'm not going to even pretend I know enough about politics to offer an opinion on that, all I know is that I plan to get really drunk and watch Greek people punt a ball into the box and defend for 90 minutes. It's what my Grandad would have always wanted. He would have said "JJ, even though I'm English, I want you to get blackout drunk and watch Greece defend against Germany for 90 minutes." and so that's what I will do. If you don't hear from me again, tell my Mother, "hello"


Vote 'No, on Rangers newco, say SPL clubs

Aberdeen, Dundee United and Hearts all have some things in common, like being football clubs, being Scottish and being dreadful to watch. Thankfully they are united in their dislike for Rangers and will vote NO to their newco being in the SPLPoor Rangers.

Who would have thought that spending lots of money you don't have and not paying your taxes would have such an adverse effect on business? Perhaps next time they should hire a sorcerer like Mystic Meg to warn them of the perils of poor financial management, or possibly they could even just not conduct themselves like grade A bellends and just pay taxes. I know that might seem like a hard thing to do when most of the people associated with your business have only recently evolved from swamp dwelling creatures but we can only hope that this new club will be less gross.Dundee United chairman Stephen Thompson

"The club's position on how we will vote was substantiated by the viewpoint of the various supporters groups."The board of directors of Dundee United are unequivocal in the belief that a form of sporting punishment must form part of the reasoning behind any decision made and, therefore, cannot vote the newco into the SPL
Damn straight. Think of the moral implications this would have on the youth of the world - "kids, if you just fanny about, spend all your money and don't pay your taxes, it's ok, because the nice people will bail you out". Well not this time. No dice. Not likely. Not on my nelly. EtcAhhhh what a wonderful world


Ronaldo is good at football

Cristiano Ronaldo is finally delivering on the international stage and put in another match winning performance last night as Portugal reached the semi-final of Euro 2012.


The forward scored a header in the 79th minute to send the Czech Republic home but no-one really cares about that. Boring teams get about as much sympathy as when one of your friends moans about having no money so they can't go out for drinks, even though their parents pay their rent, bills, give them an allowance and they don't have a job. And furthermore I din't think it should be frowned upon if I'm just really good pals with 14 year olds. I'm going to wait until they're legal, it's not like I'm some kind of pervert. Jeez, lighten up.Oh yeh and Portugal won 1-0 because Ronaldo was good. Also Moutinho and Coentrao. Or however you spell his name.


Owen Hargreaves thinks England are good

Owen Hargreaves has to stay in the news somehow so he has told a reporter or something that he thinks England can progress and eventually win Euro 2012.


The former Manchester United and City player has been hard at work getting ready for next season at the gym and told the BBC:

"The 2004 and 2006 teams were stronger individually but if these guys can play as a group and maximise, then there is potential," he told BBC World Service."It is about playing well as a team and working together. They look like they are doing that right now."
He would have expanded on that point but unfortunately he fell over and then exploded. Maybe next year


Leon Knight is the greatest guy ever

Leon Knight currently plays in the Irish league, but don't worry, this story isn't about that. The striker, for some unkown reason, decided to commentate on a video of his greatest hits and put it on YouTube.


If that isn't the greatest commentary ever, I don't know what is. "He's got nails in his feet" is by far and away a more enjoyable line to hear than anything Mark Lawrenson has ever uttered. Why does he think he's so funny? "oh I'm Mark Lawrenson, pretend Irish annoyed at everything. He looks like an old dog someone abandoned in a skip because it kept shitting itself. Or because it kept being negative about EVERYTHING!!!!!! Leon Knight for President


Puyol is on holiday with Vermaelen

Carlos Puyol didn't make Euro 2012 because he's injured, but that won't stop him partying IBIZA STYLEEEEEE

Here we see the Spanish caveman getting pally with Arsenal's star defender Thomas Vermaelen, possibly both eccied off their tits and dancing along to the beats that the DJ is playing. Maybe the DJ is playing a song about the DJ, maybe it's about the girls in the club and their booties, all I know is you better hope Puyol doesn't take one of those ladies home and make a mobile phone porno. It would look like Cloverfield had wondered into a scene from Saw


Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Arshavin is grateful for your support

Russia tumbled out of Euro 2012 on Saturday as the mighty Greece defeated them 1-0.  Widely touted as the 'dark horses' of the group, which I think is racist, fans tried to give them a piece of their mind upon their return home.

Captain Andrei Arshavin had this to say to Russia fans in the airport:
"It's not our problem we didn't meet your expectations. It's your problem".
Damn right.  And this is exactly the same motto I take to bed with any girl who has had the great fortune and opportunity to bang me - it's not my fault if I get too nervous and sit crying on the floor, you shouldn't have invited me back to your house in the first place.  I'm all man.

Germany fans are in trouble

The German Football Association is in trouble with UEFA because fans displayed neo-Nazi, racist and offensive slogans in their last game against Denmark.  And since when has that not been allowed?  These damn beauracrats.

Those fans were OK, but others let off flares and just did various bad stuff that UEFA doesn't approve of.  So now Germany might be fined like a tenner because that's an appropriate amount for failing to control fans with banners inciting racial hatred but if they should dare wear some underpants with an advertising slogan on them, so help me God they will be banished to the moon!  Those monsters!

Del Bosque: 'Spain are shite'

Spain manager Vincent Del Bosque has admitted that Spain haven't really been very good so far but that it's definitely not due to playing 0 strikers.  HERE COMES FRANCE, NOT ENGLAND LIKE I THOUGHT FOR SOME REASON

His face looks like a cartoonist drew it, but this man has overseen a World Cup and Euro 2008 victory for his national side in the past and knows what makes a good team.  The current performances do not make a good team.  He said:
"There was a lack of clarity compared with other occasions," 
"The truth is it was not a great game overall and this should concern us. Things didn't go according to plan."
Thankfully he only has to put 11 players on the pitch to be able to beat France in the Euro 2012 Quarter Finals so his brain can take a well deserved break.  Maybe Llorente will get a game and justify his inclusion in the squad, or perhaps Spain will start 11 midfielders, playing 'last man keeps' just because they can.  Either way, I don't care

Barcelona want defenders

Because Carlos Puyol is in the shelter being groomed, Barcelona require more defensive power if they are to try and start winning things again with their brand of beautiful that fans the world over have seemed to realise is actually really annoying.

Thomas Vermaelen, Vincent Kompany and David Luiz are all on Barca's wish list if top target Javi Martinez can't be lured from Athletic Bilbao and you wouldn't really hold it against them if they wanted to move.  You get to hang out in the sun, play for Barcelona, hang out with Lionel Messi and you can even annoy Arsene Wenger from your own living room by sending Twitter messages to various Arsenal players you think should come and hang out with you.  He just wants one of those players to love him back!

Andriy Shevchenko retires from international football

Andriy Shevchenko has retired from international football after losing to England, claiming that it was such a disgrace he may never be able to look at his own face in the mirror again.  Or maybe he said that he was too old to play, I can't be sure of everything.

I challenge the straight among you to keep that image on the screen at work whilst reading this and pretend that it's totally normal to have a half naked buff handsome dude on your computer.  People walking past going 'wtf is he looking at', but just how accepting of others are you?  This is a true test.  We're all comfortable with our sexuality around here, but are you?

You are like the Incredible Hulk now except instead of going green and turning into a destruction monster, you get a boner at work and have to think about spreadsheets to make it go away.  For those of you reading this at home I don't think it really works.

Oh yeh and Shevchenko doesn't play for Ukraine anymore

Didier Drogba goes to China

Didier Drogba going to China not only sounds like a hilarious movie where he has to learn that sometimes only friendship can beat Kung-Fu, but now it's also true.

Drogba has signed for Shanghai Shenhua for two and a half years, meaning he is reunited with his eskimo brother, Nicolas Anelka.  Together the two of them will make a poorly received movie about a failing burger joint and then one will eat the other in a horrible cannibalistic scene that Gaspar NoĆ© will describe as 'groundbreaking' and some people will watch because of Monica Belucci, who is hot.

Something about China

Tuesday, 19 June 2012












And that's what happened.

Rooney's back: England win tournament

It was too good to be true. For the first time in history the impossibly arrogant and delusional English press didn't actually think that England would win a major tournament. Then Rooney had to come along and ruin it for everyone.

Look at that technique,  textbook. That photograph is of course the reason that Rooney has not played so far. With him missing, the whole England setup has been delightfully reserved in their expectations. Now back in the frame, he's burst onto the seen and shouted his big, loud scouse face off about how England could win the tournament.

Rooney thinks England have the players, they have the organisation and they are good enough to win the tournament. I thought we'd all been over this? You're not good enough Wayne, everything was so nice until you came back and started speaking, you've ruined everything! 

England play hosts Ukraine tonight in a winner takes all, unless it'a draw and then there is no winner but England still take it all-the all being qualification of course. That really slipped off the tongue. I'm not giving into the hype but I have put a tenner on Rooney scoring four goals and England to win the World Cup tonight on penalties. 

Monday, 18 June 2012

Spain are really boring, Croatia are out

Spain played Croatia tonight and if that doesn't sound exciting to you, good.  Because it wasn't.

Spain decided to start Fernando Torres today, who was useless, and then replaced him with 8 midfielders, apparently under the impression that passing the ball the most is the best way to accumulate points.  Every team in the world has figured out that if you sit really deep and get your strikers to press up the pitch, there's not much Spain can do in the way of scoring, since they seem to be terrified of doing it whenever they get near the box.  That is provided you do this for 90 minutes.  I'm not sure if it's even Spain's fault that they are boring, I think other teams just ruin the games against them now.

All Croatia had to was score a goal and they'd go through and Italy would tumble out, but instead that didn't happen and eventually Iniesta and Jesus Navas broke the offside trap to score from literally 1 yard out.  I think that was the only shot I observed Spain actually take.  From 1 yard.

I know that it's technically great football, and Barcelona are awesome to see, but watching Spain play is like going to a friends art museum exhibit.  Some of the stuff there is amazing and you can't help but stare in wonder at the beauty of it but then an hour's gone and nothing exciting happens.  "Oh it defies conventional thinking" the people say, while you wander around the exhibits looking for a picture of someone with her tits out.  Sometimes we just want to see tits, Spain.

Andres Iniesta likes Scalextric

Andres Iniesta is already one of the coolest mother hubbards on this entire planet, but prepare to subdue your boners when you learn that the forward/midfield genius personally requested a Scalextric track be set up in Spain's camp.  AWW YEH

Sports science has only come so far in keeping our favourite athletes at the top of their game, and while players like Ched Evans have unconventional ways of letting off some steam, Andres Iniesta likes to kick back and race some plastic toy cars around a race track.  The most annoying thing about Scalextric is when you just want to hold down the accelerator to go really fast but this forces the car to fly off the road, roll down a hill and explodes, killing everyone on board, but then you manage to escape and live a life of anonymity in the hills, occasionally making strange football related youtube videos to survive OH GOD MY SECRET IS OUT

Time to watch Braveheart again

It's been announced that Scotland will play England at Wembley for a friendly next year. Probably the most inappropriate use of the word friendly in football history.

For part of the FA's 150th anniversary England will host their Scottish neighbours at Wembley stadium. The last time we played them at Wembley, we actually won thanks to a goal from an English man.  It was a very typically Scottish glorious failure as we had already lost the first leg at home 2-0 so England qualified for Euro 2000 on aggregate and we went home and had more heroin. 

Craig Brown made the players watch Braveheart before the game to get them fired up, which must have been awkward for players like Neil Sullivan and Don Hutchinson. Football is unpredictable but fans are not, I predict 1,000,000 empty beer cans littering the streets, 100 arrests, both anthems booed and for both sets of fans to disgrace themselves.

Manchester United: Everyone hates us

The fixture lists were released today and it didn't take long for Sir Alex Ferguson to get really pissed off.

I'm currently trying out the Alex Ferguson diet, any time I feel hungry I just Google image search his rubbery face and instantly the hunger subsides. Manchester United will face the terrifying prospect of having five away games directly after Champions League games. These away games include Liverpool, Newcastle, Chelsea and Manchester City. Aston Villa are the other team but I didn't count them as they are contracted to lose every single game against Manchester United that they play.

Manchester City on the other hand have only one away game, quite clearly a message that the FA hate Manchester United. When will the FA start being fair and let Howard Webb referee every single United game and give them 10minutes extra time if they are losing. It's just not on.

You can join the justice for United campaign that I just made up on a website that doesn't exist.

Bye bye Rangers. Welcome Club 12

Tomorrow the SPL fixture list will be released and there will be one rather obvious name missing from them. Have a guess.

Rangers will not be in the SPL, I am probably going to be awarded some massive golden chicken for being so presumptuous but I read this on the internet and when has the internet ever been wrong? 

Instead of Rangers it will be CLUB 12. Rangers will of course continue on even if they are not called "Glasgow Rangers", but they will need to be voted back into the SPL by 7 out of the 11 other clubs. Aberdeen have already said they will listen to the fans and say no thanks you bunch of fannies! But I have a feeling that most clubs will think money and money = Rangers. 

No date has been set for the vote and until then Rangers are homeless as such, much like the majority of their fans. Of course I am joking, although I don't need to apologise because most of them can't read. Again I am joking, I'm going to bed now. Maybe like in Home Alone if I wish for them to disappear, when I wake up they will be gone. Or two dodgers are going to appear in the night and try to break into my house. I better go and create some elaborate home-made security devices- where are the paint tins and string?

The German machine rolls over Denmark

Germany are looking ominous. Going into this game with an 100% record, they have emerged with an 100% record and another country swept aside under the might of the German power. Denmark have been dispatched 2-1 and return home to mourn and eat bacon sandwiches.

Lukas Podolski showed Arsenal fans why they should force him to wear a Germany top under his Arsenal shirt next season, getting yet another goal for his country on his 100th cap. With the coolest top and probably the youngest team, Germany are definitely the most likable team around- unless you are English and an idiot who still sings WW2 songs. In that case you should just geeeeeeeeeet out!

Denmark got their token headed goal because they are vikings and really tall. Bendtner was probably fouled in the box as well later on but the referee saw that it was Nicklas Bendtner and pretended that he didn't see anything because he's a jerk. 

Bender probably doesn't mean anything in Germany but no matter how old I am, I will still laugh at that name. In the 80th minute Germany finished the Danes off with a counter-attack that ended with Lars Bender side-footing home the easiest chance you could ever hope for. Bender has a twin brother who is also very good at football called Sven Bender so they are essentially known as the Bender brothers. That's a porno that I never, ever want to see.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

The future is not bright but Ronaldo's orange

Ranked as probably joint favourites along with Germany and Spain, Holland are now out of the Euros. Team work wins, by team work I mean get the team to pass to Ronaldo.

Historically known for attacking football and in-fighting , Holland showed why they cannot win major tournaments. Every player has greedy players who like to shoot all the time, Holland have about ten and they all play at the same time.

Starting with VDV, Van Persie, Huntelaar, Robben and Sneijder should provide enough goals to get a team through many a harsh winter but this did not prove to be the case. Things started well with VDV curling home from outside of the box in that way that only left-footed players can really do. Then Ronaldo said NO!

The powerful, slippery giraffe galloped around like a man trying to prove that he is as good as Messi. He's not but he still put the individual performance of the tournament so far and should have gotten himself a hattrick. Near the end VDV tried to test my statement about left-footed players curing the ball, by doing it with his right-foot but he hit the post.

Holland are now out and Portugal as always have qualified for the knock-out stages. I wonder if the bookies will except my £1m bet that Ronaldo will cry as Portugal are unceremoniously knocked out on penalties?

Do I really need to include the score? I'll go for no.

Daniel Sturridge hates Chelsea

Daniel Sturridge is super annoyed at Chelsea because they made him not get in the England team.  In no way is that decision based on the fact that if Daniel Sturridge is given the option of saving your life or saving his life, he will always choose to try and score.

The forward had an OK season for Chelsea and actually scored a ton of goals, but he still doesn't give anyone 'the fear'.  "It's just Daniel Sturridge, don't worry about it" is what most people probably say, and that's even what Roberto Di Matteo seems to have concluded having left the England player out of his last few games in charge.  The 22 year old now wants to leave Stamford Bridge in order to kick start his career and get in the World Cup qualification squad, even though he's shit.  He's that guy in your team at 5 a sides that runs really fast, shoots every time they get the ball and scores heaps of goals, but it means you don't bother leaving your own half and thus it ruins the game you just wanted to have as a kick about.