Sunday, 20 May 2012

Chelsea win. Nobody knows how

SOCCER! The Champions League final drew the curtain on a truly mental season. A fitting finale was fought between the London Chelseas and FC Bayern of Munich - which saw the Chelseas come out victorious with a 12-yard shootout win.

Through a combination of good defending, good goalkeeping, good fortune and black-magic (that is not a racist joke about Drogba), Chelsea defeated Bayern Munich on penalties to lift the Champions League trophy. That is John Terry lifting the cup, he proclaimed this as the best moment of his career despite being suspended for the final. Even without him changing into his kit to go and collect a medal, we knew John Terry was a massive penis so we will just end this

The game itself followed the pattern of most of Chelsea's games in the knockout stages of the Champions League. From the kick-off Chelsea were clearly playing for another smash and grab like they did against Barcelona, and it worked. Bayern missed a host of chances and Arjen Robben missed a penalty. Never trust a left-footed penalty taker, unless it's David Unsworth.

Thomas Mueller finally gave Bayern the breakthrough in the 83rd minute with a close ranger header at the back-post. At this point it was unthinkable that Chelsea could even score, let alone win. If they were going to score, it was going to come from a set-piece and most likely from Drogba. That man bloody loves a final and it certainly helps that he has a Howitzer for a forehead . A bullet header from a corner is all Chelsea needed to get level. I'm still slightly in shock about what happened, I remember when Rangers defended all the way to the UEFA Cup final and then got bummed by Zenit - that is what was supposed to happen last night. Robert Di Matteo is actually satan, that is the only logical explanation.

Into extra-time and Drogba did his best to ruin his legendary status at Chelsea by tripping up Ribery from behind and giving away a penalty. Robben sharted and Cech easily saved it. Both sets of players were breathing out their arses in extra time and off to penalties we trudged. My colleague tweeted something like "an English team against a German team at penalties. I wonder who will win?". If you need anyone to blame or thank for Chelsea winning then JJ is your man. Mata got things off to a great start for Chelsea by missing his pen (don't trust lefties).  Everyone else scored but then Olic missed the important one for Bayern and then Bastian Schweinsteiger missed the really important one. Drogba took the deciding penalty, put Neuer the wrong way and Chelsea won.

What did we learn from last night? Germans don't always win on pens. ITV's football coverage is even worse and more biased then I had remembered. Ashley Cole and John Terry are huge cocks of unimaginable proportions. Ashley Cole is one of two world class England players. Defending is a good way to win football games. Fernando Torres is a little bitch. Philip Lahm is God. Di Matteo has caterpillars for eyebrows and football makes no sense at all.