Thursday, 31 May 2012

Demba Ba is desirable

Newcastle striker Demba Ba has a £7million release clause and Chelsea and Spurs both want to abuse it!

Ba hit 16 goals for the Toon Army last year but stopped when Papiss Cisse turned up and did all his work for him.  Now the Senegalese forward might take advantage of the form that had him linked with europe's elite for a few months last season and take a big pay increase, despite only signing a £50,000 a week deal last summer.

The release clause fires up on the 31st of May and ends on July 31st and Newcastle have so far refused to offer him a new contract based on one season's form.  Spurs want someone cheapish to replace Emmanuel Adebayor, who appears to eat money for sustenance, and Ba might fit the bill nicely, should he decide to go, so they'd have to act fast.  Specifically between those two dates.  Because after that he disappears to another dimension, or a portal to hell is opened and loads of evil versions of Demba Ba are unleashed upon the world and then you track down the original two to the top of a sky scraper but you can't tell which is good and which is evil, so you shoot one of them.  And then the one you've left alive says "oh thank god you shot the right one!  I love you, son" and then he turns to the camera and smiles, but his TEETH ARE EVIL! OH GOD WE SHOT THE WRONG ONE

Martinez has decided to stay

Roberto Martinez went out for a walk last week and met up with a bunch of people but he didn't really like them that much so he's gonna stay at home now.  JOURNALISM

The Wigan manager met up with Liverpool's owners and either passed on the opportunity or wasn't offered it and then went round to Aston Villa's house but there were lots of people from Birmingham there and he had to escape.  Now he has confirmed his 'commitment' to Wigan thanks to the fact that no-one else has offered him anything better, and chairman Dave Whelan is delighted.
"We're just so pleased that he's staying with us for another season,  "We've discussed a lot of things and it was a productive afternoon. He's got two years left on his current contract and we will be looking to extend that.
"We've also agreed to build up the academy and the training facilities."
How wonderfully generous of him to agree to stay at the place that he's legally contracted to.  Perhaps we should buy him some flowers, too?  This whole thing sounds like when you walk around the floor of a nightclub to see if any hotties are in, and you find a couple so you go up and say "hey, how's it going?" but they don't really seem into you, and besides you've only got a tenner in your pocket and you don't really like the music anyway, so you just wander home with a kebab leaving answer phone messages for your friends and wake up in your bed, next to your wife.  "I love you baby" you say.


Brendan Rodgers is the Liverpool manager

Brendan Rodgers ended about 4 hours of speculation yesterday when he signed a 3 year deal with Liverpool to be their manager.

The Northern Irishman will take charge at Anfield once they have paid compensation to Swansea and will set about trying to take an under-performing, former european-power  to new highs in the Premier League and this should be easy because they only have like 12 other teams better then them just now.

Rodgers impressed at Swansea, taking them to England's top division and making them employ pass pass pass football that everyone pretends to enjoy when they talk about it but when you actually have to watch it it's appalling.  It's like when someone says to you "we should watch some old Jean-Luc Godard movie, it's beautifully shot and takes you on a dramatic journey like no other" and then you agree because you're feeling cultured on that day and then suddenly you're bored after like one hour, but there's another 4 to go at which point you decide you really just want to see someone get injured.  Or sent off.  Just anything.

This appointment is about as ambitious as a school boy writing down 'office worker' on his 'what I want to be' sheet.  I guess it's a bit better than writing 'violent promiscuous woman robot', but just look how I turned out!

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Players will be sent off for 'Gerrard tackles'

England players have been warned that making overly aggressive unnecessary tackles like Steven Gerrard's against Norway, will result in being sent off.  Who knew?!

Some argue that this type of strong challenge is what football is all about.  Launching into a perfectly controlled tackle that takes the ball and lets the man know you are there COR BLIMEY GUV WAT WAT.  I, however, believe this to be a cunt's trick especially if you're battering into someone at the half way line in a pointless friendly.  I have never enjoyed playing football when I genuinely think that the mental skin head is going to try and break my legs if I dribble past him, but then I'm not a pro.

Crunching tackles made in the last third or even to stop a break away are awesome to watch when they are done with the skill and control that someone like Xavi applies to his passing.  The difference is that if Xavi mistimes then he loses possession, and if say Gerrard mistimes, the opposite player loses possession. Of his leg.

Super famous head of referees Pierluigi Collina said:
"We have reminded all the referees to resolve actions that may jeopardise the safety of an opponent.  "UEFA also does not want to see a referee surrounded by players who are protesting. This does not give a good image and protesting players can expect yellow cards. We do not want to see 20 players in a massive confrontation and the initiators will be shown yellow cards."
I wrote a whole funny bit here about misplaced aggression but then Safari refreshed itself and I punched a workmate in the face.  You had to be there, I guess.

Balotelli will walk off if he gets abused

This whole 'Poland and Ukraine are racist' thing has picked up some legs in the last couple of days and what validity would a story have if Mario Balotelli wasn't somehow involved?  Some.

Mario has announced that if he receives racist abuse in Euro 2012 he will walk off the pitch and then kill whoever did it.

Balotelli told the BBC:
"If [racism] does happen I would leave the pitch and go home,"
"Racism is unacceptable to me, I cannot bear it. We are in 2012, it can't happen.
"If someone throws a banana at me in the street, I will go to prison because I will kill him."
So whatever you do, never drop a banana anywhere near Mario Balotelli if you walk past him on the street.  And if you do, just step on it as fast you can and fall over so that everyone laughs and forgets whatever awful situation almost came about.  This gets you out of most situations actually - children's birthdays, boring meetings, murder trials etc

Nobody wants to manage Liverpool. Edit: Brendan Rodgers does

Liverpool fired Kenny Dalglish with no real idea as to who they'd get to replace him because what manager wouldn't want to take over a side with no money left to spend and over expectant fans desperate to instantly win the league?

The thing they've forgotten is that Liverpool are going nowhere right now.  Steven Gerrard peaked about three years ago, Luis Suarez is racist, Andy Carroll is god awful and everyone else is just useless.  The best part is all the money they could have spent on creating a title challenging squad was squandered on people like Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson, which is like spending loads of money on those weird little games at an amusement park where you get tickets and then you exchange the tickets for a prize.  You spend £10 winning tickets so that you can get a key ring which should have cost you 50p.  Liverpool basically bought a whole bunch of key rings and a giant stuffed toy that's good at heading things.

Martinez isn't going, Brendan Rodgers probably won't go and I guess AVB just didn't get the job.  I'm sure he's gutted right now

And then Brendan Rodgers accepted the job.

Italian football might be banned forever

Italy's Prime Minister Mario Monti has suggested that football in the country be stopped for a few years while they try and throw out all the shit bags that have been cheating and ruining it for everyone else.

The new allegations sweeping Italian football have rocked the country as they had hoped they'd put behind those evil match fixing ways.  Police have already arrested Stefano Mauri in this new hunt, and you know that when match fixing spills over in to the main league of a nation that someone's either gotten lazy, or stupid people started trying it out.  The PM said:
"I wonder if it wouldn't be a good idea to suspend the game for two or three years"
By which time all of the clubs would have gone out of business.  It's not an actual suggestion, as he goes on to say, but merely a question he is asking himself as a fan of football.  I'm glad that when the leader of Italy thinks out loud it's quite profound and contemplative because if you start narrating the storyline to Die Hard in public people look at you kinda weird.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Rangers win something

Rangers have defeated the SFA and have been victorious in their challenge against their transfer ban. I get the impression that when it's all said and done, Rangers dodgy dealings and massive debts will have pretty much zero impact on their place in Scottish football.

It turns out that Rangers were correct all along and the SFA are a joke. I don't like Rangers but the SFA imposed a sanction that wasn't even on their own list of sanctions in their official regulations. This made it unlawful and makes them look like a gang of buffoons. A person who spoke, otherwise known as a spokesperson said this -
"We are surprised by today's verdict at the Court of Session, especially since the original sanction against Rangers FC was imposed by an independent panel chaired by a leading QC and upheld by an Appellate Tribunal chaired by a Supreme Court Judge.
"We will now consider our position with our legal advisers before making any further comment."
This just keeps dragging on and on, at first it felt like watching an animal die and I just wanted someone to call a vet to put it down. Now it feels like watching someone in an induced coma, chances are they are going to be absolutely fine when they wake up but it could still go wrong.

FIFA will probably be called in to investigate and decide what should be done. Unfortunately FIFA is also ran by a bunch of morons so I don't see this being resolved any time soon. It's good to see Rangers fans getting into the spirit of the Jubilee. Radio 2 keep playing an advert for a special program about the Queen with Robbie Williams' "She's The One" playing in the background, the temptation to drive straight into the barrier at 70mph and burst into a ball of flames has never been stronger.

Transfer stuff

It's the summer and it's the start of really boring transfer nonsense. That's one way of looking at it, the other is the fun of completely making something up and watching it go around the Twitter world. In between all the bullshit, there are usually a few things that are true. The following could be one of those but I really have no idea.

Kagawa to Manchester United seems to be a Richard Dunne deal. Manchester United don't really mess around when it comes to throwing money at clubs to get the people they want. £17m is what they have thrown at Dortmund in order to sign the Japanese playmaker. Kagawa looks good whenever I see him play, plus being Japanese means that Manchester will be able to sell about 10billion shirts upon his signing. Are dirty underpants really sold in vending machines in Japan? Is it really as weird as it appears? Perhaps someone out there is Japanese and can tell us. How much would I get for my pants? Moving on.

That's Jay Rodriguez who plays for Burnley. Southampton have just decided to spend £7m on him. £5m of this is the English player tax. Burnley have accepted the bid so this goes beyond the rumour stage so this is David Dunne. I've used David Dunne because I think it's going to go tits up just like David Dunne's injury-ruined career.

In the made up to fill the newspaper space category we have Arsenal trailing Llorente. He likes headers and his 27 so let's rule that one out. Ivanovic is a target for both Real Madrid and Barcelona because those two always go for the same players. Chelsea could buy Hulk for about £50m because they are impressed by his muscles and how hard he hits the ball. Droga to China. Kalou to anywhere. Too many to mention so I won't bother. Darren Mackie to Inter Milan was probably just made up by me right now but I challenge you to prove that he's not. 

Roberto Mancini is a strict parent

Manchester City manager Roberto humuhmumhumhnunuh MANCINI has released his own son from the club for not being good enough.  That'll teach him!

It's not exactly a bad thing not being able to cut it at the very top level, and it's not as if this guy is suddenly going to be poor.  If he doesn't get another club, which of course he will because he's Roberto Mancini's son, he can just go and hang out at the pool at his Dad's house and drink loads of beer and play video games.  And then he can start a mildly successful football blog and cry into the night at the failure of a man he has become when shouting at a television to fucking wise up when a 12 year old shoots you faster at Call of Duty becomes a daily exercise.

Oh... wat


Didier Drogba is building a hospital

Didier Drogba earns a shit tonne of money from advertising stuff like Pepsi Max even though it's absolutely gross and tastes like that cheap cola you buy for 17p from Asda.  Oh and also he's building a hospital with the money he earns from that.

That was one of the first drawings I did on here, and if you add up the amount of articles we've done on Drogba over the past year and a bit, it comes to quite a lot.  He's a beast, a phenomenon, a diver, a whinger, weird, attention seeking and blah blah blah.  He's building an entire fucking hospital in his home town.  He told journalists:
I am already excited.  I can't wait for this hospital to be built.  But for the war it would have been open now.  We are going to do it, we are going to work hard.
What?!!  This is the coolest thing I've heard any footballer having done.  Giving healthcare to people in an actual war zone.  I bet you feel about shouting at him on the TV now, don't you?  And what have you ever built in your home town, eh?  I bet it's not a hospital.  I bet it's a den or a treehouse.  You can't perform invasive and life saving surgery in a treehouse, retard.  I'm glad I know that now, cos for a little while a lot of people weren't too happy with me.

Teddy Sheringham hates Gordon Ramsay

Teddy Sheringham was one of many ex-pro players who took part in Soccer Aid the other night, a night that raises money for charity by getting celebrities to play football against and amongst retired players.  Then Sheringham put Gordon Ramsay in a stretcher.

Ramsay was playing for the 'Rest of the World' side against an England side that included Glenn Hoddle and David Seaman and took great delight in winding various people up.  "Comedian" Paddy McGuiness fell foul to the chef's antics and retaliated to a ball being thrown off his back by picking it up and trying to boot it at his face.  It was unintentionally the funniest thing he's ever done, and will only be beaten when eventually he dies choking on his own farts, and Ramsay remained the victor in the exchange.


Teddy Sheringham sought revenge and launched into the side of the Kitchen Nightmares star, breaking him and forcing a medical team to stretcher him off the pitch.  The joke will eventually be on the ex-Spurs forward when Ramsay sets fire to a lobster and puts it in his study.  It will be a lobster fire - the most deadly of all infernos, as we all know.

Also Serge from Kasabian is good at football:

Other people that played were Woody Harrelson, Will Ferrel, Ed Norton, Michael Sheen, Freddie Ljunberg, Mike Myers and Gerard Butler who is the most handsome man I have ever seen in real life.  Did I say that out loud? Oh my, how awkward!  #gayforgerard

Di Canio maybe did a racism

Paolo Di Canio is the centre of controversy today after his club Swindon were forced to apologise for an 'inappropriate comment' made to French striker Jonathan Tehoue.

The Italian is alleged to have referred to Tehoue by his colour instead of his name, which he either forgot or didn't want to use, but Swindon publicly denied this and stood by their man.  Then their lawyer emailed Tehoue's lawyers:
"The club wishes to make it clear that it does not condone the reference made by Mr Di Canio during training on 29 March to your client."
Di Canio has apologised for whatever it was he said and I think it's a good thing that these incidents are achieving national press.  The more publicity it gets the less likely the brainless sheep are to ever use racist language, but conversely those who perhaps genuinely aren't racist might be punished for saying things they don't necessarily mean as offensive.  Like if you stand at the side of a pitch at an under 12s match and yell 'lose some weight fatty fat fat!' - I'm just trying to cure this nation's obesity problems on the front line.  I should get a medal!  Not punched.

Titus Bramble is in court

Hilariously bad defender Titus Bramble is in court this week answering charges of sexual assault, which is never hilarious, because it's gross.  Let's see how he's getting on.

This unrelated video of R&B sensation Demarcus La Shonda is an example of the things you shouldn't say to women, let alone think, and Bramble has denied four counts of sexual assault at Teeside Crown Court including claims by a taxi driver that he found the defender's behaviour so inappropriate that he drove him to a police station himself.

To read the actual things that happened go here but basically girls have accused him of grabbing their arse, placing their hand on his crotch in a taxi and basically just doing things that only a real scum bag would.  I never understood guys who grabbed random girls asses when a much better way to chat them up is to not be a complete cunt.  It's surprisingly easy.

Serbian player kicked out of team for not singing national anthem

Adem Ljajic plays for Fiorentina and until recently for his country, Serbia.  "Why until recently?" I hear you ask, well that's because he didn't the sing the words to the national anthem before their friendly against Spain.

The midfielder has "felt the wrath" of national manager Sinisa Mihajlovic, which makes him sound a whole lot more evil than I imagine he actually is.  Wrath makes him sound like he runs some diabolical organisation intent on taking over the world or that he's just really mad.  Then again, national anthems are a serious business:
“Coach Mihajlovic yesterday held a meeting with Ljajic. After hearing Ljajic did not sing the anthem due to personal reasons and that that stance would not change, Sinisa Mihajlovic told the player to return home.
“The door has not been closed forever on the national team but he needs to change his attitude and officially notify Mihajlovic that he has done so. Then when his form merits it, he can return.”
And when I take over this planet you can be assured that anyone who doesn't sing the national anthem will be forced to live in a giant fish tank in my 'loser' museum I will have built.  It will be like sea world except AC/DC play live all day and the sharks have legs and can breathe outside of water, and Adem Ljajic rides on their back like they are a terrifying horse.  And he yells the national anthem which will be the best song ever and probably like an AC/DC song.  Does the lead singer from that band sing in the same way at karaoke?  I always wondered that.

The USA is good at singing national anthems

Scotland played the USA the other night and lost 5-1 blah blah blah they are shite.  The best thing about the whole game was the stunning rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner singer Victoria Zarlenga delivered.  I'd never seen a murder on live TV before.

It's pretty special and makes me feel a whole lot better at my largely shambolic musical career, which features such highlights as "Owen Hargreaves likes Fruit Pastilles" and a song about Ryan Nelsen being a ghost wolf.  In a live performance it can be pretty hard to hear yourself and that's what this lassie claims to  have happened, citing the lack of in ear monitors or uselessness of her monitors as the reason behind this abortion of a gig.  At least this video won't haunt her forever or completely destroy any semblance of a career she had in the first place.  They say that 'any press is good press' but this isn't true a lot of the time, especially if you sing like you're punching a cat in the face and waiting until it meows and then punching it again.  Or if the tabloids out you as pedophile.  That's also bad press.

Thanks to reader Gary Corbett for the heads up.  About the video, not the child molestation thing.

Garry O'Connor is smart

Gary O'Connor was questioned by police recently on suspicion of cocaine possession so he did what any normal person would and gave a fake name which he couldn't spell, and then ran away.  Amazing.

The Hibs striker was spotted "holding a piece of paper up to his nose" in the back of a Land Rover by police.  I can't make this bit any funnier for you than the BBC already did:
It was said Mr O'Connor had given his name as "Johnston" and run off after starting to spell it as "J..O..S".
He was then caught 300 metres away by police, who let me remind you aren't professional athletes, and visibly shook and tried to catch his breath as he was asked questions like "why are you running away?".  This all happened last May allegedly, and the details have all come out in court.  Details like when they eventually searched his pockets they found a bag of white powder to which he said that someone else put it there.

I can't really make fun of any of this because the case is still on trial so that's why you have been presented with some of the information from the BBC article on it.  If it wasn't on that website I would honestly have thought it was a cartoon.

Real Madrid want Ivanovic

Serbian defender Branislav Ivanovic might look like the kind of guy who would eat your still beating heart in front of your face, but Real Madrid really want to sign him.

The player has said that he is aware of interest from Jose Mourinho's side but likes living in London:
"I know there is an interest from Madrid, who are following me. But it's not the time to talk about it now.  I'm very happy with Chelsea. I have just won the Champions League, a change is complicated. I am very happy in London."
It's not as if any clubs can use any kidnapping tactics to force Ivanovic into moving either, since I'm pretty sure he doesn't sleep.  Sleeping is a weakness women use to justify lying down when they could be doing push ups.  Those horrible sluts!  His only weakness is after he's jumped over you and made the ground shake he leans over, and that's when you can jump on his back.  I think it's five times and he dies.  And then you get to rescue the princess

Monday, 28 May 2012

Injury Boost for England

Good news for England fans, it has been confirmed that the half-man, half-tug boat Gareth Barry will miss the Euros.

Gareth Barry has a tear to his lower abdomen and will be replaced by Phil Jagielka which makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I like Phil Jagielka but I think Barry is a "holding" midfielder and Jagielka is definitely a centre back, unless Roy Hodgson sees him as a midfielder. There has been a heatwave over the weekend, maybe Roy's brain has been boiled? I'm waiting for Ashley Young to get injured and be replaced by David James.

I was away all weekend enjoying the few days of sunshine that Scotland gets each year so I didn't see any football at all this weekend. Thanks to the internet I know that England beat Norway 1-0 and it sounds exactly what I expect from an England international friendly i.e it was boring and shit.  Sol Campbell said that all the black players are going to get killed by crazy racists in Poland and Ukraine so if Roy is going to win this tournament, he is going to have to do it the hard way and that probably means playing Stewart Downing. Won't somebody think of the children?

War criminals and war crimes lawyers

Robert Mugabe has revealed that he is a Chelsea supporter, which doesn't really surprise me. He used quite an unfortunate turn of of phrase when discussing his love for the London club.

"Even my wife knows where to sit because while they are scoring in the field I will also be scoring at home"
He wasn't talking about telling his wife to sit in the special sex zone of the living room . What he meant was that when he's watching football he always ends up kicking things around his house, and that's when Chelsea are winning. When they are losing he just orders his troops to go and murder innocent civilians. Moving swiftly on.

After years of dodgy dealings, corruption and goodness knows what else FIFA have created an ethics committee that will be headed by a top human rights owner. His name is Luis Moreno Campo and he will be the man in charge of investigating any allegations of corruption within the organisation. It comes about 18 months too late, as we already have a World Cup that is going to be in Qatar and a man called Jack Warner who has escaped any punishment for numerous "alleged" wrong-doings. That money is just resting in his account.

It's hoped that by taking these steps FIFA can start to repair their damaged reputation. Perhaps I'm biased because I hate Sepp Blatter and co but it's like when a criminal is released from prison. They tell everyone they've changed and they are truly sorry for what they have done you can't help but feel that as soon as they get a chance they will rape you and style your Iphone. 

Eden Hazard: "Chelsea, I choose you!"

Eden Hazard has apparently decided to reject approaches from Manchester United and City to sign for Champions of Europe, Chelsea. Even though they dont have a manager and he'll have to hang out near John Terry.

The Belgian winger seems to think he's very important and is hosting his own press conference to announce what club he's going to sign for. I don't care how good you are at something, you shouldn't be hosting your own press conferences for things likes this because it makes mine look poorly attended and irrelevant. Deciding to phone in sick for work is serious business guys, I thought the press would want to know. I however would like a pizza. I'm on a train again though and I don't think they do pizzas. The last guy on here I asked to make me one was very rude. Then again, he must be an idiot anyway. What kind of a train attendant dresses like a normal passenger? It's just confusing.


Swansea buy Gylfi Sigurdsson

In news that will rock the international football community, Swansea City have almost confirmed the £6.8million signing of Gylfi Sigurdsson, who already plays there.

Signing someone you already have on loan is really boring. As any Champ Manager, FIFA or Pro Evo veteran will tell you, half the fun of football is the bit in between where you play games when you get to sign people. They should be signing young rookies with great raw potential but a rough streak that needs to be kicked out of them. Overcoming adversity and finally playing his way into the first team, our young starlet rewards the years of perseverance and trust by his employers by delivering a hat trick in the FA Cup final, running to the manager to celebrate. And somewhere in the middle of that inspirational movie, Fernando Torres fell asleep, waking up while a rerun of '2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps' was on, therefore concluding that the best thing to do with his career is become something that no-one wants to watch. If that show was a person I would honestly have punched it to death.


FA want to develop children

The FA has decided that it would quite like to win something in the future and that to achieve this England might have to produce players that aren't shite. All hail our new overlord, Gareth Southgate.

The penalty missing pizza advert star has been touring the country doing keynote presentations on changes that need to be made to youth development in the country and these have been approved in a vote sometime today or yesterday or something. And it probably wasn't keynote, Southgate looks like he'd be terrified to use anything other than Power Point layered with word art and arrows pointing to jpegs. hahahaha what a loser - get with the times, man.

The changes mean that children under the age of 13 wont play on full size pitches anymore. Why on earth were children playing on full size pitches in the first place? Basing it on my own Olympian athleticism, it would take like a day for an 8 year old to run the length of that... how have these changes not been in place the entire time? Scotland have responded by announcing their plan to revamp their youth development by adding vegetables and cutlery to the pre match meals and occasionally letting the kids stand on different mountains to kick it to each other. Fucking gee it laldy son


Stefano Mauri is arrested

The captain of Lazio, Stefano Mauri, has been arrested by police investigating match fixing. Delicious!

The police have gone tits all over Italy to try and stop illegal match fixing ruining football even though it's already really boring in Italy. I used to watch Gazetta Italia too, but man, the live games were so boring. Half the time I just watched it to see if Ronaldo or Del Piero were playing but it was like Jurassic Park - you never saw them. I'd honestly rather have just driven round the actual Jurassic Park but with the enclosures housing wild Ronaldos and Robert Baggios instead, and then we could watch them feed. There's nothing more majestic than seeing a live goat being hoisted in by crane to Ronaldo's paddock and then him firing into it. And then they drop in some tacos, and wings. And then another goat. He's a growing boy, he needs his bones to get strong!


Sol Campbell is trying to scare you

If you go down to the woods today you're sure of a big surprise, but if you go to Euro 2012 that surprise might be A BODYBAG!!!! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUNNNNNNNN

Sol Campbell likes to be in the news now he's retired and so that's why he's started taking to Panorama about things that scare him like ghosts, the economy and now racism. According to Sol it was wrong to award the tournament to those dirty racists in Poland and Ukraine and you need to stay at home in order to survive:

stay home, watch it on TV... don't even risk it
You hear that? Not you, whitey, but you should listen to Sol. He's trying to solve racism all on his own and he needs your support so he can "get rid of those damn Polish from my street". I'm glad you can't be racist to white people because that would make things really weird and I'd have to pretend to like absolutely everyone which would just be exhausting. Online UK bookmakers odds of you returning from Euro 2012 alive have been slashed dramatically, which is weird because I didn't know they did that. It doesn't seem like you'd really benefit in any way if you died. Crafty.


Sunday, 27 May 2012

Scotland are good at soccer

Craig Levein is doing very well at managing Scotland and last night/this morning oversaw a 5-1 loss against the USA. Our goal was an own goal. Hooray!

The USA goals were all scored by players like Landon Donovan and people like that who are actually really good, whereas Scotland were captained by Kenny Miller. I don't know what you expect to achieve by putting someone like that in charge of a team but then again I'm not sure Scotland really expect anything from life other than to lose at most things. I'd just like to survive past 50, winning a trophy would be an added bonus. I'd even just like a pint right now but even that seems like an effort. That is also mainly because I'm on a train at the moment. I should probably enter this article into a competition, I'm no Henry Winter but I've got a feeling about this one. It's deep in my bones, down in my pants. Oh no wait, that's my phone. Hello? No sorry wrong number. Why is my phone in my pants?




Gareth Barry might be injured

Man City midfielder Gareth Barry had to be taken off early in last night's international friendly between England and Norway because he's strained his groin. OMG

The most boring man in the world ever made his mark on the match by playing terrible passes to opposition players and occasionally appearing on screen until the moment he was withdrawn from action clutching his groin. Now a doubt for the Euros, England are expected to call up a broom with a face drawn on it to make sure that his effervescent personality is not missed in the changing room. It's weird cos the last time I saw someone being withdrawn from a team sport while holding their groinal area was in court only the other day, on a lovely big television. In my defence badminton is a very erotic sport to watch, I can't stop human nature!


Saturday, 26 May 2012

Sepp Blatter hates penalties

Freedom hater Sepp Blatter has called out for another method of deciding games to be invented to stop the heartache of penalty shootouts, even though it's widely accepted that penalties are awesome.

The FIFA president has sent his evil henchman Franz Beckenbauer to try and figure out a new way to decide games than making players take turns to kick a ball at a massive goal 12 yards away. Really? Your only job in a penalty shoot out is to put the ball in the goal. That's really easy. It's also really exciting and hilarious when people like John Terry miss or when England players miss, and yeh basically if you are a footballer and can't score a penalty there's something wrong.

I've been trying to think of a better idea than penalties for hours now and I don't think there is one. Unless they have like a drawing competition or a fight to the death. That should be the solution to most of life's questions. If I were to say to you, look we need to cut expenses by 50% by Tuesday and you said "well we can either all try and draw a horse or... I guess we'll have to fight to the death" I would choose.... drawing a horse. Do you have to win the competition to stay alive? I've forgotten the rules, let's just have penalties.


Friday, 25 May 2012

Morten Gamst Pederson is dedicated

Blackburn midfielder Morten Gamst Pederson has told everyone that he won't be leaving Blackburn Rovers this summer, despite the club having been relegated to another dimension.  Without his powers and intergalactic cartography skills, they may never return.

The NORWEGIAN NOT DANISH player, now 30 years old, has pledged his allegiance to the flag of Blackburn and revealed his deep heart ache at suffering relegation.  He told his own website:
"I have a contract with Blackburn Rovers and I intend to honour that.  As a football player the relegation was the worst thing that has ever happened to me"
"As a Blackburn fan it was devastating, it was cruel and I cannot describe the feeling I had when the relegation was clear and the season was over."
So I guess he cares, which is quite nice.  Conversely I'm not sure how many other teams would want to sign him on whatever quite lucrative contract he currently has, especially considering he hasn't been very good for a little while now.  Then again, it must be quite hard to perform when Steve Kean is your manager.  If you asked him to look after your burger van for half an hour you'd come back and he would have somehow opened a gateway to hell.

Roberto Martinez is in Miami

"Welcome to Miami", Will Smith once said, and this invitation has been extended to tiny bird faced manager, Roberto Martinez, who is there to talk with Liverpool's owners.  Or tap some booty. AIN'T NO TANG!

Regarded by Wigan chairman, Dave Whelan, as "the best manager in the Premier League", Liverpool will possibly look to the Spaniard to take them back to the glory years of the 80s or that time they won the Champions League.  Is he the man for the job?  Who cares?  Not me.


John Ruddy has a broken finger, is out of Euro 2012

Norwich goalkeeper John Ruddy has had his dream come true inclusion in England's Euro 2012 squad destroyed by breaking his finger.  Roy Hodgson called up some other guy I've never heard of.  Which is actually quite an easy thing to do, in all fairness.

The goalie, 25, was a surprise inclusion in Roy Hodson's squad if only for the fact that suddenly everyone  realised how awful England's selection choices really are.  Ruddy had to get special permission from England to attend his wedding, missing the VERY important friendly against Belgium as a warm up to the tournament but now that doesn't matter so he can get married instead.  He tweeted:
To everyone who has asked…as if it wasn't unlucky enough, it IS my ring finger and also my first ever broken bone!
But he'll have a different broken bone after his wedding night!  Am I right guys?  Ahhh you don't get it.

Some 19 year old kid called Jack Butland has been called up to action and this great because not only has he only ever played about 20 games in League Two, which isn't even a real league, but his name is butt land. hH AHa ah aha h ha a a


ha hah ah ahah ahahahaa

No but seriously, good luck, man.  And sorry for teasing you like this was a classroom, it's just that I'm..... not....... funny.  At all.

Fernando Torres is the main man

Chelsea striker Fernando Torres has been forgiven for moaning about he's been treated at the club and been assured he is now the main striker guy going forward.  Because who really needs to win things anyway?

Chelsea's chief executive, Ron Gourlay said:
"Fernando Torres is the man that we will go forward with and Fernando Torres will score us the goals.  Have no doubt that Fernando Torres is a world‑class centre-forward. We've just won the Champions League and Fernando Torres played his part in that. It's not all about goals. It's not just about the individual scoring goals  … Fernando's teamwork, he is a very, very important player. And I think you will see Fernando Torres score many goals for Chelsea."

This sounds great.  I think basing your entire team around a player that hasn't been good for three years is a great plan.  This is like if you were trying to build a house and you were helping out your sister by letting her son do it for you, even though the last few buildings he made fell down and exploded, and then he turns up on time and runs around the building site for quite a while and suddenly 3 months later he's put down about 8 bricks and there's some bits of wood lying around.  No house.  And also he's completely shit but you're paying him £200,000 a week anyway so he might as well do something.  It's either that or hide him.

No one likes Arjen Robben

Despite being one of the best players the club has had in recent history, Bayern Munich's Arjen Robben now gets booed by his own fans because he missed a penalty.  "Penalty jerk" they call him and they go "booooooooo, penalty jerk".  Let's all join in together

The Dutch winger has been encouraged to leave by team-mate Mark Van Bommell who thinks that when an entire crowd hate your guts, it's probably time to consider employment elsewhere.  His international team-mate Wesley Snipes then chipped in:
The fans' reaction was absolutely disgraceful. And that's not all. It's also remarkable to see that nobody at Bayern has defended him
So Robben misses one penalty in extra-time that would have secured his place in the club's history and suddenly he's being hounded out of the country.  You could argue that it's the crowd mentality in the fans that has caused them to act this way but this is Germany - I've never heard of anyone from there blindly following one other person into an immoral crusade to remove a Dutch person from his house.  Oh wait, I have.  WAR JOKES HA HA AH AHAH AHA HAA

War is never funny.  You should be ashamed.

Pep Guardiola wants to be seduced

Pep Guardiola is feeling super sexy ahead of his last ever game with Barcelona and has told everyone that he wants a month to recharge his batteries and then he might be ready for some erotic times.  Or another job.  A hand job?  Let's read on.

Having assembled arguably the greatest club side of all time, Guardiola leaves behind a Barcelona side that have won about 4 million trophies in the last 4 years.  After the Copa Del Rey final he will depart for his gap year and 'do Asia' before heading out to Australia, working for 6 months, going to New Zealand and then flying home with pictures of when he had a mohawk and when he got painted in neon and danced with random English chicks next to a beach full of drugs.  Or will he?
"I will receive all calls with pleasure, but for the next months I have to recharge my batteries and my mind," said Guardiola.
"I will be ready [to return] if one club wants me and seduces me."
OMG!  Did you read that Abramovich?  Roberto Di Matteo might as well start packing that little red and white scarf thing attached to a stick that people running away from home always have in cartoons.  Why don't they just use a bag?  IT'S SO MUCH MORE PRACTICAL THAN A STICK

Howard Webb is scared diving will KILL

Referee Howard Webb has said that he fears people who roll around on the floor pretending to be injured could endanger real injured players' lives!  MONSTERS

England's number one official has referenced his favourite crime fiction novel "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" as an example to those who fling themselves around a pitch the minute an opposition player brushes their leg.

He told the BBC:
"If we come under criticism for stopping the game too many times for doctors or physios to enter the field of play then maybe referees will be inclined not to stop the game,"
"I think the message we are trying to get across is that it is always better for referees to be safe rather than sorry, not to take chances and for everyone involved in the game to understand that a referee's first priority is to look after the players in the game he is taking charge of.
These comments are as a result of that time Muamba almost died on the pitch, where he just fell to the ground.  It was a pretty sneaky tactic to win a free kick that far up the pitch and just the mind control required to make yourself literally die is dedication to the cause.  If you can make your appendix explode on the pitch you deserve a penalty.  Hell, have three!

A bar fight with only footballers would be the weirdest thing ever - just 22 men walking up to each other, falling over and rolling around the floor holding their faces screaming, with the barman just sorta standing there looking confused and shrugging.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Owen Hargreaves is released

I have a feeling I already did this article about a week ago but ah well.  Our hero Owen Hargreaves has been released by Manchester City because he is simply too broken.  If he were a car he would have been melted into a futuristic robot, as is my understanding of where cars go.

Hargreaves managed a massive 13 minutes of Premier League football this season and that's just slightly less than the league champion's would have wanted.  I think they wanted 15 minutes.  So close!  Like Crystal Maze except instead of the gold ticket dome thing at the end he faces a dome filled with manic depression from a ruined career.  Look at those polaroids fly by, son - you used to play for England too!  I'm not sure if Richard O'Brien is in this version.  He might be.  This is your imagination as well guys, feel free to help me out from time to time.

Shockingly Hargreaves spent the end of the season on loan at Brighton which is most shocking because I didn't know that until today.  I thought we agreed to tell each other everything, man.  I can't handle these lies anymore!  I'm moving out.

David Villa will miss Euro 2012

Spain striker David Villa is going to miss Euro 2012 because he's injured.  I mean miss as in he can't play, not that he won't see it.  Because they probably have TVs in Spain now right?  Those crazy Europeans and their disco!

Barcelona's number 7 pulled out of the running to be in the squad because he's failed to recover from a leg break suffered at the start of last season.  He tweeted:
I've tried, but I can't be 100% to play the Eurocup. I called Del Bosque. It's the honest thing.
"Thanks to all of you for your support. I'll continue working to return as soon as possible with Barca and Spain."
I think that's a very noble thing to do and it must have been quite hard ruling himself out so as not to be a detriment to the team.  What a selfless gesture - it's one you'd think you'd see more.  MEANWHILE IN ENGLAND Sol Campbell and Owen Hargreaves are balancing anvils on the edge of mountains to try and injure anyone who looks like a footballer.

Meep meep indeed.  Meep meep brave soldiers.

Solskjaer tells Villa to go away

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer has told Aston Villa to go to hell as he wishes to stay in Norway with Molde and just keep managing them.

The ex-Manchester United striker has pulled out of the running to become Villa's new boss, rejecting the chance to replace the departed Alex McLeish.  It's a good move for the 39 year old manager because he's clearly quite good at his new job, having led Molde to their first title in ages/forever/a long time, and moving to take charge of Villa would have set him back about 100 years.  The only thing more boring or completely disappointing than Aston Villa is getting post in the morning and then it's just bank statements.  If I pretend the debt isn't there maybe it will disappear.

Emile Heskey is abandoned

Rampant sexual beast lord Emile Heskey has been released by Aston Villa because:
"he's absolutely shite"

Poor Emile, I used to think he was great.  I remember when he came on the scene with Leicester and scored a few goals against Newcastle and then his career just sky rocketed as he stopped scoring goals wherever he went.  At the age of 34, Heskey now finds himself in a situation where he must learn to fend for himself in the wild and truly learn what it is to be the hunter.  Be warned mortal human, for hiding up trees does not stop him from getting you, and once those powerful bear arms have taken their grip he will bestow upon you the happiest, fuzziest hug you've ever had.  The endorphins rush through your brain and the feeling will be so climactic that you will never feel quite as happy again and will long for his warm embrace, searching for it anywhere you can, until eventually you collapse on the bridge of a train station condemning your God for the futility of life and dying as you poo yourself.

I'm sure it's Emile Heskey I'm thinking of here.  It might be drugs.... but I'm preeeeetty sure it's Heskey.

Joey Barton is banned

Philanthropist ex-convict Joey Barton has been banned for 12 games by the FA after going on a killing spree in QPR's match against Man City which they lost 3-2.  Did I mention that Man City won the league?

I really like that picture.  I'm not sure Joey does, because he now has to miss a third of the season hahahaha that is ridiculous.  What an absolute retard.  There's no amount of William Blake and John Milton he can quote to try and justify his angry kick at Sergio Aguero, and Socrates and Plato aren't going to help with the gestured headbutt to Kompany or elbow to the face on Tevez.  And I know what you're thinking: "JJ, how do you know so much about poetry and philosophy?" and well my friends, it's because I used to study English at University, and these are all the names of people I vaguely remember having to reference or pretend to have read things of.  Strangely I still haven't brutally assaulted someone outside a McDonalds yet but I guess it's only a matter of time.  The perils of enjoying the arts!  What a world

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Robin van Persie is moving everywhere


I honestly think I might have heat stroke again despite being in Scotland.  In other news, Manchester City really want to buy Robin van Persie and at the top of every gossip column in the UK is a story linking him there, not that that is the only way we get any of our news here.  We receive it the old fashioned way, by an owl dressed as a postman, pretending to be a normal person postman but we know he's an owl.

Van Persie is set to ask for £250,000 a week if the club do come 'knocking at the door' and I can only assume that's a metaphorical door and not one we can actually find.  Maybe it's in your wardrobe like Narnia and when you step through it you end up in the Premier League with a dream house and football career!

That is honestly about the only explanation I have for Bebe.

Jailed Muamba Tweeter is sorry he's racist

Fabrice Muamba almost died recently and then some 24 year old student went on Twitter and said things like "fuck muamba" and then some racist stuff, but now that he's been to jail he's really sorry about it.

The student told some Welsh magazine/tv thing:

"[It was a] stupid, massive, massive mistake and I've paid a big price for it".
"What I struggle to get my head around was the week or two before I was just a normal kid getting on with my work in university, getting on with life, playing rugby with all my mates, then a week or two later I was just going to prison, everything had been turned upside down,
Oh yeh?  Paid a big price have you?!  Well Muamba almost died, which would have been the ultimate price and his death would have been because of those evil words.  But he tweeted them after he collapsed.  How does that work?  I don't think the BBC have got this one right.  Sticks and stones do hurt more than words unless the word is 'ugly', which I am not.  I'm very handsome.


I've run out of ideas for this one.  This story reeeeeally wouldn't be here if anything else interesting at all was happening in football land today.  Do you want another article about where Robin van Persie isn't going to go?  Yeh let's do that instead.

Capello is boring

I don't know what it is about Fabio Capello that I find so unappealing but the minute I hear his name my eyes try to escape into my brain.  wait, I mean the bath.  What.  No, what did you say?

Despite being statistically the must successful England manager of recent times, Capello finds himself behind a giant bird and a Portugeuse robot as Liverpool's choice of manager.  Roberto Martinez and AVB are both on their wish list and I can't tell if Capello is too, or that he just wants to be.  Like if that saying 'toss your hat in the ring' is a literal thing and that's what he's done, or whether he's phoned them up and said "hey it's Fabio I want to put my hat in your ring" and then they've construed that as a job application. It makes sense to me but try telling schools that when you apply.  Although I might have said 'fist' instead of hat by accident on that occasion, now I think about it.  Heroin is a very powerful drug, I can't be held responsible for everything I say.

Bendtner knows how to party

Nicklas Bendtner had an interesting time in London sometime last year because he was drugged.  Or just accidentally got hammered.  BUT WHICH IS IT?!  Let's find out

While talking to a Danish magazine, Nicklas revealed that he was the victim of a vicious drug assault by.... possibly the bar man.
“I was out with a friend who I was visiting and we were doing shots. When I woke up in my bath my mind was totally blank. I was told that I’d lain down and had to be pulled from the water.
“The club had been closed for an hour at the time and then someone obviously called the paparazzi. I was drugged, I think.”
Oh yeh big deal Bendtner.  I do that most Mondays, Thursdays and Tuesdays and Fridays and sometimes the weekends but you don't see me making a big deal about it.  My family do on the other hand.  Man, those guys are a drag, always "please stop drinking, you're going to kill yourself, we want to help" and crying all over my shoes.  I just really like gin!  What's wrong with that?  Maybe I've been drugged this whole time!  Yes, that must the reason.  Terrorists.  Pretty sneaky, Iran!

Mourinho is rich

Joe Mourinho has signed a new contract with Real Madrid that will keep at the Spanish giants until 2016. WHERE IS MY MOON BUGGY??!?! GET BUSY SCIENTISTS!

This is where we were supposed to be living in the year 2016 - on the moon.  What happened to that?  Why am I still in Aberdeen?  Some argue that it's a combination of economics, social geography and the financial state of the globe, others say I'm really lazy and need to 'move out of my house and get a real job'.  Either way, I'm not Jose Mourinho or any closer to working out my perfect escape plan for if a bear came into my house, or whatever it was I was supposed to be doing.  Building a moon buggy?  That doesn't sound like me.  Ah hah!  Television, my old friend.


Drogba is leaving

Protector of worlds, Didier Drogba has confirmed that he will definitely leave Chelsea this summer, with the club refusing to offer him a two year deal like he wants.

The Ivory Coast striker wrote on the club's website to end speculation about his future and indicate his intentions to protect another part of the world.
"It has been a very difficult decision for me to make and I am very proud of what we have achieved, but the time is right for a new challenge for me.  As a team we have accomplished so much and have won every single trophy possible.
"Saturday was a very special moment for everyone at the club and for all the fans. I am very proud to have played my part in bringing many trophies to this club, which has been my home for the last eight years. 
So there you have it boys and girls.  We're doomed.  If you want to keep London, or indeed the UK, free from attacks by terrorists or giant robots you should probably start building those Drogba scarecrow sets we handed out last year, right now.  It's either that or just surrender.  Or go to the gym and fighting school to be prepared to fight hoardes of evil creatures.  Why does doing good take so much effort?  It's why bad guys are always fat, like Shredder (voiced by Uncle Phil of Fresh Prince).

Monday, 21 May 2012

Cancer sucks balls

I hate cancer, today it claimed the life of Robin Gibb and he joins the millions of others this dreadful disease has claimed. If cancer was a human, I would kick him square in the nuts. Well fuck you cancer, you didn't get Eric Abidal.

That is Abidal trying to call cancer a loser but he got confused and the L is the wrong way round. Almost seven weeks after having a liver transplant, Eric Abidal has left hospital. His cousin Gerard donated his liver, which is pretty much the best present that a man could ever give to another man who needs a new liver. Closely followed in second place by a dog.

Last year after having a tumour removed from his liver, Abidal said "up yours science!" and returned to play football for the remainder of the season, helping Barca to lift the league and Champions League. That probably won't happen this year, firstly because the season is finished and secondly because that would be absolutely mental.

Reading about this made me think of Stilian Petrov, best of luck in your battle Stanley. I know what you're thinking and the answer is yes, of course he reads FitbaThatba.

Pat Fenlon is the best at losing

If you are going to get beaten in a cup final then go big. Hibs and Pat Fenlon in particular, showed everyone how to lose in style.

Hibs and Hearts hadn't played each other in a cup final since 247BC. Hearts had the upper hand, considering they have actually won the cup this century. For some reason people were giving Hibs a chance, the fact that this was an Edinburgh derby clearly making them forget just how rubbish Hibs are. Plenty of people moaned about the referee and the red card but Hibs lost 5-1, that is a good old-fashioned hiding. 

Pat Fenlon was mega-pissed off and got himself sent to the stands for shouting abuse at the referee. After he was sent to the stands he made the gesture above. This is a gesture that he denies making to the Hearts's fans and actually this was aimed at nobody in particular. His players kept giving the ball away so he conveyed his anger with an aggressive gesture to the air. Curse you air! I remember I once got arrested for something very similar. The police thought I was gesturing towards some Rangers' fans but I explained to them that I really don't like seagulls and they fully understood. 

Hopefully Hibs will continue to be dreadful again next season so I can say with confidence there is at least one team worse than Aberdeen. And that team just so happened to beat us in the Scottish Cup semi-final, how embarrassing.