Monday, 23 April 2012

Chelsea are adventurous

Roberto Di Matteo has pledged to adventure and attack Barcelona in the two clubs' Champions League semi-final on Tuesday night.  Which is tomorrow.  This is a great idea and has encouraged me to put my life savings on Chelsea to win, because Champions League betting is actually pretty easy and Barcelona are rubbish now.

Di Matteo has warned everyone that Chelsea won't just sit back and let Barcelona finger them, because that's what sluts do, and they aren't sluts.  Wait I mean, that they won't just try and stop them from scoring, they'll actually try and do that as well.  Then it's slut time.  The Asian Pingu told BBC Sport:
"The tie is half-time, it's 50-50 - both teams still have the same chance to go through.
"I do think we will have to try to score. It will be difficult to just play for a goalless draw."
These are the words of a true master.  By simply outscoring Barcelona, Chelsea have a chance of progressing to the Champions League final where they can then finally lose.  It's as easy as that.  It's like if you wanted fajitas for dinner and all you had to do was go to the shops and buy tortillas, chicken, the old el paso spice mix and some onions and whatever, and then after that you have to put it in a pan and pray to the gods of electricity to make the cooker work and then hey presto, 10 minutes later you have fajitas.  The bit in the middle requires a woman because no matter how hard I pray to those gods, that hob thing just never seems to work.  I guess girls are just born with that gene, which is good because it makes up for the rest of their inferior brains.

In this example, Chelsea are trying to cook fajitas but instead of Asda they have to fly to Mexico, avoid being stabbed by natives, try and work out what spices in the ground you need for your dish and which ones will make you terminally ill and finally, do something that will stop Lionel Messi from scoring.  My suggestion would be cannon fire across the seven seas because I don't think we have enough battles with cannons anymore and also I like pirates.  Also I don't think Lionel Messi would make a very good pirate.

I think we can all agree now that this short break from writing all the time has really improved my skills.  Yes.  In fact, I think I will print this one out and frame it.