Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Barcelona are shite

Over-rated Spanish failures Barcelona let a ten man Chelsea team draw 2-2 and book their places in the Champions Leauge final. To make things even worse, Fernando Torres scored. Guardiola out!

The game was one of the more exciting in recent history and Chelsea put ten men behind the ball, with Didier Drogba chasing other players around like a horny dog until mid way through the first half when John Terry very sensibly kicked Alexis Sanchez up the arse. It might have been because he is an idiot, or because he hates Mexicans that much - either way most of us were pleased to see his stupid face leave the field. Later he claimed that he didn't do anything and we shouldn't trust the tv because it is full of lies. Curse you cameras!

Sergio Busquets scored, Iniesta got a second, Terry was sent off and Ramires chipped Valdez from 20 yards. That was it. Then Lionel Messi missed a penalty because he's shit and then Chelsea just tried not to concede for 45 minutes. It was a bit like the scene at the start of Saving Private Ryan except less people died and also it was on a football pitch and not in a war. You idiot.

With Gary Cahill injured and Terry crying, Chelsea paired Jose Bosingwa with Ivanovic at the back and gradually most of their team earned bookings to make sure they'd miss the final. Blah blah blah some stuff happened and then finally someone punted a ball upfield and Barcelona either forgot to mark newly substituted Fernando Torres or just didn't think it was worth doing, and he ran the length of Barcelona's half, rounding the keeper and making Gary Neville jizz everywhere. If you weren't watching he basically came in the commentary box when Torres scored. "URGHGHGHHGGH OOOHOHHHHHHHHHHH"

After the game Geoff Shreeves sandbagged Branislav Ivanovic by telling him he was now banned from the final and everyone that works for Sky tried to tell us that it was the greatest game of all time. No-one makes Ivanovic cry so he ate Geoff Shreeves, live on camera. What? You don't believe me? Yeh you should probably read the BBC for your match report. And now I can tell you all about my exciting train journey. It all began long ago....