Wednesday, 25 April 2012

10,000 Chelsea players suspended for the final

It's the morning after the night before and Chelsea really are in the final of the Champions League. I know this because every single person I've seen today asked me if I watched the game, then proceeded to tell me all about it despite the fact I told them I had. Now Gary Neville's orgasm has subsided and Geoff Shreeves has returned to his cave after ruining Ivanovic's life, we can now focus on Chelsea's suspensions and get our excuses in early for them losing the final.


Four Chelsea players will miss the final through suspension. Let's start with Captain Lionheart, John Terry. Terry solidified himself as a true Chelsea legend, bravely kneeing Alexis Sanchez in the back and taking a red card for the team. If he hadn't done this, Sanchez would have almost certainly scored an overhead kick and then taken out a gun and shot all the Chelsea fans in celebration. Only on reflection can his heroics be truly appreciated and one can only hope that someone else can step into the captain's arm-band and miss a penalty in sudden-death.

Ramires, Meireles and Ivanovic are the other players who will miss the final. Both Ivanovic and Ramires were booked for dissent, John Obiki Mikel believes that UEFA should over-turn the bans, because he also plays for Chelsea and he doesn't want them to lose the final. After the game Geoff Shreeves continued to show why he is the biggest cock in football and took great pleasure in telling Ivanovic that he won't be playing in the final. Yes Ivanovic, you definitely won't be playing in the final. Are you going to cry? I hope you do. What a dick.

Chelsea will play either Real Madrid or Bayern Munich. Ronaldo said "this is Real Madrid's moment", which means they are definitely going to be knocked out by Bayern Munich. England Vs Germany in Germany, what could possibly go wrong?