Monday, 30 April 2012

Two Germans come to London

It could be the name of a terrible art-house film but alas I am referring to the signings of Lukas Podolski and Marko Marin. I say German, they are actually Polish and Yugoslavian - and people say Scotland are bad for stealing other nation's players.

Arsenal confirmed the signing of Podolski today, for what is believed to be around £10m. Nobody really knows but it's fun to make up numbers. By the time he signs for Arsenal he will be 27, which is incredible for a player who seems to have been around for about 20 years. Wenger seems pretty chuffed with himself and Arsenal fans must be delighted that they have actually signed someone good. Unfortunately for them it probably means they are selling Robin Van Persie this summer. There isn't room for two left-footed strikers and it surely doesn't take this long to sign a new contract does it? 
"Do you want to sign a new deal?" 

Marko Marin looks like a lovely chap, he also looks like a guy I play football with called Jim so that means I like him. Marin has signed for Chelsea for £8m. On his day Marin is brilliant, unfortunately he doesn't have too many of those days and has had a lot of injuries this season. Hopefully moving to Chelsea work out for him and all the pundits on Sky will say "Chelsea really have unearthed a gem!" - which is what they say about any player who plays in the Bundesliga. Then again, why would they bother watching German football, it's shit. When was the last time they had a team in the Champions League final? (I know, I know)

Modric might probably leave Spurs

So this one has started again. FML

Harry Redknapp spends most of every summer in his car, driving around looking for journalists to speak to. Last year he constantly told everyone that Modric wasn't allowed to leave and surprisingly he didn't despite all the rumoured bidders. Who would have thought that a legally binding contact would prevent an employee from leaving his current position?Now things are different and Harry seems pretty alright that Modric will move at the end of the season. He told the BBC:
"Last summer it was vital that we kept hold of Luka, I would be lying if I said I was sure that he would stay [this summer].
"You would like to think Luka would still be here, but you never know."
And then he talked about how he was pretty sure Gareth Bale wouldn't move, even though he's said he wants to as well. So basically, Spurs' two best players are about to jump ship leaving Redknapp to try and engineer a European place out of his depleted squad and now the England job has gone so he doesn't have that option to run away to either. At least there will be lots of journalists for him to speak to in his garden, which he seems to really enjoy. I, on the other hand, don't but that's because the journalists at my house want to know why there are so many dead prostitutes all over town. In my defence business was slow and it was possibly an ill advised Charlie and the Chocolate Factory style give away. The ticket isn't literally inside her. Ha ha ha dead prostitute jokes. What a lovely world. 

P.s sorry for the horrible formatting on these posts, i'm on holiday right now and it's not as easy doing this stuff on an iPad. Also I'm horrifically lazy.

Carlos Tevez is 'destined to score'

Because the BIGGEST GAME EVER is on later today, all the paper have been going tits about Carlos Tevez this and Carlos Tevez that. Because he used to play for United. DID YOU REALISE THIS???????!!!

The creature was lured over to the dark side of Manchester by the emporer Sheik Mansour and also his Dad, Roberto Mancini, who promised him that together they could rule the galaxy. After bailing on his loser friends in the red side of the city, Tevez set about using his incredible powers to tear opponents apart and now he faces his old mentor, Obi Wan Ferguson, who will be played by Sir Alex Ferguson tonight. The Guardian quoted the Man City manager:
I think Carlos is destined to score the most important goal in the history of this club," Mancini said. "This is my belief."
And now the stage is set. Tevez has been torn between his good side and his bad - does he want to piss off Fergie or Mancini more? Who annoyed him the most over the last few years? Will his friend Sergio Aguero finally pay the ransom to Frank Lampard the Hutt and will I have sex with Princess Leia? Maybe. In your mind counts if she's hot.


Roy Hodgson is the new England boss almost

Roy Hodgson met FA officials today to discuss his new job as England manager. Hooray!

Kenny Dalglish's best friend is set to be offered the job as England boss after those in charge deemed Harry Redknapp too much effort. It's a bit like if you really like this girl and you chase after her for ages, but she already has a boyfriend and its been going on for quite a while, so you go out to a bar one night to sort this out and after a couple of beers shag one of your old friends from uni because she used to be really hot and she's meant to be quite good at sex. Then you don't really care about Harry Redknapp anymore because you've had sex, and that's all that matters in life.

So with that incredible welcome, let's all say hello to Roy. Good luck with your impossible job, friend. The only way you are going to enjoy newspapers from now is if you use them as fuel for the fire in your future house on the streets.

Wayne Rooney is popular

Old lady banging striker, Wayne Rooney, has won a delicious award ahead of tonight's Premier League final, being named the most popular person to have on a shirt. As in loads of people get 'Rooney 10, on their football tops.

I have no idea where the people who gather this data get it from but apparently Rooney is ahead of Steven Gerrard, FERNANDO TORRES WTF, Cristiano Ronaldo and Frank Lampard in the popularity stakes when people get a name on the back of their shirt. I would like to assume David Beckham would have won this had he stayed at Manchester United but that's because I borderline genuinely want to fuck David Beckham. Also his wife. As long as she doesn't talk because girls suck. Especially her actually, because it would be all 'oh look at this fashion thing' and I would be like 'arghhhhg kill me'.

Some people might say its gay to want to have sex with David Beckham, and that's cool because I raise you this question: what's more gay? Going shopping for clothes or being pummelled by a chiseled sports star. Exactly.

Jose Mourinho is noble

When Sergio Ramos successfully launched his penalty into outer space during last weeks champions league semi final, you would have been forgiven for expecting manager Jose Mourinho to throw his toys out of the pram and blame referees for losing. Instead he congratulated Bayern.

Bayern manager Jupp Heynckes was keen to point out what a nice guy and how humble in defeat The Special One is, telling reporters after the game about his visit. What he didn't know was that Mourinho was secretly injecting all the players with a super drug using only the power of his mind, so all the players would fall asleep and he could take them back to his house to have his evil way with them later that evening. Except for Frank Ribery. There's no way you could get a boner looking at that haunted face. He'd be the bin.

Sunday, 29 April 2012

Lyon are patronising

One of the best things about the Internet is that I can pretend to know things about football and then back that up with hard stats. Also, we know things about foreign leagues that until 2003, no-one in the world would ever have known.

So that picture there is one of Lyon celebrating winning the Coupe de France, which literally translates as 'horny girls in Aberdeen want to meet you' according to my Internet browser. It's a strange name for a trophy, I'll give you that, but what makes it even weirder is that the guy in the yellow shirt actually plays for amateur team US Quevilly. This heroic team of part time cheese eaters and croissant bakers fought their way past teams like Marseille and Rennes, finally succumbing to the power of Lyon, who ended the Division 4 sides giant killing ways.

Then to rub in a bit more, Lyon captain Cris beckoned the Quevilly captain, Gregory Beaugrard, to the podium to help lift the trophy. Thats why he looks like such an awkward bastard in that photograph. It's like if you met some astonishingly hot girl, and you somehow manage to go on a date with her and she seems too good to be true, and you lean into kiss her but then suddenly some massive muscly dude rides in on a motorbike, laughs in your face and says "come on baby, let's get it on" and then they ride off into the sunset, while you have to pay the bill. Which always has cocktails on it. They are clearly not the same price as beer! Arggghhh it's not fair


Celtic 3-0 Blue Shark Knights

It was the final old-firm game of the season and it was as one-sided as it could possibly me. The soon to be named Blue Shark Knights were completely out-fought, out-played and out-everything'd by the Glasgow Celts.

Events off the pitch resulted in this being a rather subdued old-firm derby. Celitc fans did their jumping up and down whilst facing the wrong direction shite and sang about jelly and ice cream. Rangers played like a team terrified of what is going to happen to them when the season finishes. 

Charlie Mulgrew who has somehow turned into the best player in Scotland, opened the scoring with a diving header from a corner. Rangers made sure the posts were well marked but forgot about Mulgrew who is a human being who can run and head footballs. Kris Commons scored the second, he looks a bit fat these days but thanks to some good work from Gary Hooper he was played clean through, nutmegged Bartley and then dinked the ball over Alan "shagger" McGregor. Hooper got the third, hammered the ball into the roof of the net. We all know the SPL is rubbish but look at how well Jelavic is doing at Everton, Hooper should at least get called up for an England friendly. Only then can you laugh and pour scorn on our terrible standard of league.

Yesterday a few thousand, perhaps seven thousand ( I don't know, I didn't really pay attention to the news piece I saw) Rangers' fans marched to Hampden stadium to protest against the SFA's treatment of Rangers. You see it's their fault that Rangers are in so much debt and are not allowed to sign players over 17 for a year. It's definitely not David Murray, Walter Smith and Craig Whytes fault. The SFA should have stepped in earlier and said, "hi chaps, do you think you could maybe stop spending millions of pounds you don't have?". Then this whole mess would have been avoided. If the SFA go back on any decision they have made then it will be the biggest act of cowardice since the French's effort in World War Two. Too offensive? 

QPR are terrible. Torres is not so terrible anymore

QPR are not very good, don't let Joey Barton's tweets or Mark Hughes' nonsense fool you. This was compounded today by a 6-1 defeat to Chelsea, where even Fernando Torres scored a hattrick.

Playing on a pitch that resembled my old primary school playing field, Chelsea dispatched QPR with the greatest of ease. QPR were absolutely terrible, they went a goal down after about three seconds and decided that that were would be no point trying for the rest of the game. 

Sturridge scored the first, then John Terry scored from a corner to make it 2-0. Perhaps the QPR players were scared of him doing a racism so they left him completely unmarked. As always Terry celebrated with the grace of a ballerina. It's been really hard from him since he allegedly called Anton Ferdinand a black hard-C-word. 

Torres scored a hattrick and showed more signs that he is almost a footballer again. Actually aiming and putting the ball where I assumed he wanted it to go. He still dribbles like a retard, with a football not with saliva. It's like he hasn't really got full control of his legs back yet. Perhaps he was sitting cross-legged for a really long time and slowly but surely the feeling in them is returning. Malouda scored a sixth but by that time I had stopped paying attention. Cisse scored again for QPR which means in every game he has played in so far, he has either been sent off or scored. Stats are fun.

QPR have two games left - away Stoke then at home to Man City. I don't know why but I really want them to get relegated, probably because of Mark Hughes and Joey Barton - they are awful humans.

Southampton are in the Premier League

Southampton won promotion to the Premier League this weekend, meaning that Matt Le Tissier can finally start scoring amazing goals again.

If like me, you preferred the Premier League when Sheffield Wednesday, Southampton and Leeds were around and not shitty Stoke and Wolves, you will be delighted at the news. All we need now is Benito Carbone and Paolo Wanchope to start playing again and I can go back to living in the 90s as a child when everything was so much easier. There was no war or famine, and I was allowed to wear pyjamas at most times of day without being scowled upon by people at parties. I say parties, but I really do think funerals should count too. It's what your dead relative would have wanted!


John Terry is allowed to lift trophy

As I write this Chelsea are absolutely destroying QPR, with Mark Hughes' team game plan appearing to have been relying on the champions league finalists being knackered. They aren't, and also JT is allowed to lift the trophy if they win. With his allegedly racist claws!

UEFA confirmed the news to BBC Sport the other day, pointing out that banned players were only not allowed to sit amongst the substitutes and can take part in celebration ceremonies. They also said that there was no way the 6 suspended players from both Chelsea and Bayern would be allowed to play despite both clubs managers asking for it, playing the 'it's your own fault' card for players booked in the semi finals.

There are calls for this to be changed since you only really get to play in some of these competition finals once and it sucks if you miss out. Its therefore very comforting to know that if there's one thing that governing bodies of football do best, it's make timely decisions based on modern day facts. I have to go now, because they're about to hang Geoff Hurst for having pre marital sex. What a slut!

Saturday, 28 April 2012

Men who sent parcel bombs to Neil Lennon are arrested

Two guys that thought it would be a good idea to send mail bombs to Celtic manager Neil Lennon have been arrested for 5 years.  Aren't they handsome?

Trevor Muirhead and Neil McKenzie, both from Ayrshire, have been placed behind bars for sending the packages to Lennon because you just aren't allowed to do that kind of thing.  It's not on.  The fact that we have to have police for things like this honestly just blows my mind - why would you ever think it was a good idea to send a bomb to a fellow human?  You must grow out of stuff like this at some point.  Over football?!!  It's not even anything important.  It's not like they've been oppressed by some evil dictator and just want to make a political statement to try and achieve justice; their only motive is that because they support Rangers they are supposed to dislike 'the other guys'.

To make things even more idiotic, the explosives they sent were so fucking childlike that there was a 0% chance they could have gone off, as stated by a judge in court, presumably calling them wankers afterwards. There wasn't even a device capable of detonating what little explosives they had in the box.  They basically sent an alarm clock duct taped to some batteries because they saw it on Spongebob Squarepants.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Bombs in Ukraine. No worries say UEFA

We're all off (I'm not) to Ukraine this summer for the big football festival, tournament thing that's happening. A few bombs exploded in the city of Dnipropetrovsk but UEFA said don't panic, there's nothing to see here.

That's the police inspecting the damage done by the world's smallest explosion. I think it must have been one of those "bangers" that you buy from toy shops, you know the little white things that you throw at people? Four bombs went off and at least 27 people were injured in the blasts. At least 27? Maybe they just got to 27 and couldn't be arsed counting any more.

The good news is Dnipropetrovsk  is not host city. It was initially going to be one but was replaced in 2009, presumably because of things like this. Tram stops and a railway station were the targets because terrorists really hate public transport. Nobody died.

UEFA have said they don't foresee any problems and the attacks were just one of those unfortunate things that happen. Like when your cat shits on the kitchen floor or pisses in the fire place - every week. Thank God England will be playing 130 miles away in Donetsk. If John Terry or Ashley Cole got hurt I don't know what I'd do.  I imagine there would be alcohol involved. Celebrating or commiserating? You decide.

Someone finally bids for Rangers

It seems like forever since we first heard that Rangers were going down the toilet. At first I thought Christmas had come early, talk of liquidation and starting again Division Three filled me with joy. Then it all dragged on and on, first they beat Celtic, now they are 11 points clear of Motherwell, they have applied to play in Europe next season (despite missing the deadline) and now someone has bid for them. Where did it all go wrong?

Paul Murray is the leader of the Blue Knights, a group of Rangers fanatics who dress up in in armour and kill Celtic fans with swords. Of course that is completely made up, apart from the fanatical part. Joining forces with Brian Kennedy who owns the Sale Sharks, the pair have made a "substantial bid" for the club. Blue Knights and Sharks, at least if Rangers did have to start again they could be called the Blue Knight Sharks. How good would that be? Exactly. Oh and some fat American guy called Bill Miller has bid for them as well.

For the next 12 months Rangers can only buy players under the age of 18. Their fans might be worried but this is what I always do in Football Manager and if it has taught me anything, then Rangers will win the European cup within five seasons. 

There are lots of boring numbers and percentages but what matters is this - Rangers will not be going into liquidation. As much as it pains me to say it, the SPL does need Rangers or else it will end up like the Highland league or worse, the Irish league. Now I'm off to have the hottest shower I've ever had.

Guardiola resigns, Tito rises

Sexy trophy winner Pep Guardiola has announced his decision to resign from Barcelona at the end of the season, handing over the reigns to his assistant Tito Vilanova.


The former Barca captain has won 13 trophies in 4 seasons with the Catalan giants, inscribing his place as the most successful manager ever in the club's history. In these few short years he managed to make arguably the greatest ever club side make other rivals look like amateurs and he's also very responsible for how awesome Lionel Messi is. He's not dead, so there's no need to get emotional. This is what he told the press conference:

"At the beginning of December I announced to the chairman that I was seeing the end of my era at Barcelona,"

"Time has taken its toll - I rise each day and don't feel the same. I am going with the understanding that I have done my duty.

"You can only recover by resting and getting away from everything. It would have been a bad idea to continue. Perhaps it would not have gone wrong but I have the perception that it would. It is my time to go.

"Now we are out of the two main competitions it is a good time to announce this. I did not want to continue with the confusion.

"I want to thank my players who are responsible for everything that has happened here. I don't want to manage at the moment."

So basically he's just absolutely fucked from running the best team ever non-stop for the last 4 seasons. Now the former midfielder plans to go on a gap year to Thailand so he can try lots of different pills and have sex with people he won't remember, finally getting a job just wherever the fuck he wants after that, because he's Pep Guardiola.

It's the absolutely perfect time for him to go as we seem to have reached the absolute peak of 'sexy passing football' and get ready to beckon in a new era of whatever Germany win the championship with this Summer. Poor Tito now has the choice of either making Barcelona play the only way they know how, or trying something different, which if you go by how well AVB managed it earlier this year, should work amazingly. It's like he passed him the baton having tied his shoelaces together first - there's only really one way this can go and it's usually YouTube. Or in Tito's case, the land of unfulfilled dreams. Terry Connor is already there, weeping. What a happy time!

Gerard Piqué has amnesia

Gerard Piqué spent a small portion of Barcelona's semi-final defeat unconscious after Victor Valdes knocked him out accidentally. Luckily he doesn't remember a thing!

For some reason the medical staff allowed Piqué to play on after the incident, and that decision sounds stranger when you consider that he spent all night in hospital to make sure his brain still worked. The giant defender can't remember any of the 18 minutes he played against Chelsea and his parents had to tell him that they'd then lost the game, which probably caused him actual brain damage.

Upon reawakening from this news, Gerard decided that now was the time he'd win Madge back, and after running all the way to Ramsey street he shocked the inhabitants who were sure he'd died when he fell off that cliff all those years ago. With trombone in hand, he played a sexy tune and high fived Lou, later trying to find Pepper because she is smoking hot, and Madge is old and possibly dead. Then Karl Kennedy sang a song about how Victor Valdes sounds like a character from Street Fighter or the bad guy in a Tomb Raider game. Concussion sounds great

Chelsea vs QPR handshakes cancelled

Handshakes are a big deal - the worst one is when they limply stroke you and you don't know know how to react, or possibly it might be one that is FILLED WITH RACIAL HATRED.

It is because of this second kind of handshake that the FA has banned them from the upcoming QPR and Chelsea game, just in case JT is denied by Antonio Ferdinand and they start some sort of ugly hate fuelled grudge match which escalates into a global war. Terry doesn't have his trial until after the Euro championships, somewhat conveniently, but the racist accused now won't have to worry about the will they/won't they moment in the buildup to kick off.

Ferdinand's lawyers had advised him not to shake the Chelsea captain's hand already because it could prejudice the forthcoming trial and I think the only solution here really is for the pair of them to just fuck each other in the middle of the park. It would definitely make Match of the Day more interesting.


Lyon have a 3D strip

Lyon have set the bar for new football kits by making theirs 3D. It's like they're coming towards you out of the screen! Arghhhhhhh


I really fail to see the point of this. Unless you are wearing 3D glasses during the game you aren't going to see the effect, and also 3D is awful. It makes you feel like your brain is going to blue screen at any minute and makes you very aware that you are watching a movie. Theres nothing worse than trying to get yourself immersed in a film and then suddenly you start thinking, "I wonder what software they used for that bit" and "if it's in 3D surely they can see the fucking iceberg".

You don't have to have a wasp in my actual face to make it terrifying, and neither do you need to have snow flakes flying at my eye balls to make me realise it might be snowing. What do wasps even do? As David Attenborough once majestically said "They... are the true cunts of the animal world".

Lionel Messi is going to be a Dad

Football fans rejoice for our godlike hero, Lionel Messi, has successfully impregnated a human woman!

The Argentinian forward is widely regarded as the greatest player ever but now we know his skills range to the erotic world of sexy time. You kinda have to bear with this translation:

According to could know, the star of Barcelona already communicated to its relatives and intimate friendly to them that Antonella Roccuzzo, its pair, is pregnant. What will do I read neither or is born. All the details of the news of which the world will speak!"

Yes, young Lionel appears to have 'intimate friendlied' this chick all night long, eventually lobbing his shot over her head and into the goal. I don't know if that really makes sense but the only trophy he'll win at the end of this match is a child and no-one wants one of them. Unless you could train it to like deliver the paper to where you are sitting, or become a karate master. That doesn't sound so bad actually.

The worst part of the birthing process will be when Geoff Shreeves turns up and informs Messi that the baby is not his, punches the woman in the face and flies off into the sunset to live happily ever after.


Thursday, 26 April 2012

GB to play Brazil

A Great Britain football team has not existed for about 41 years. As it has been brought back to life for the Olympics in London, the FA thought they would organise a glamour friendly. They have done well and booked a warm-up game against Brazil on the 20th of July, but for some reason decided that it should be played in Middlesbrough. That's like getting a date with the hot girl you've been chasing and then taking her to Wimpy.

Stuart Pearce is the manager so expect a lot of passion but absolutely zero tactics, shape, style, ideas or medals. He's delighted that his GB team has managed to get such a good team to play against and believes it will be a grand occasion for all the family, especially Uncle Albert - he bloody loves Britain. I have no idea who Uncle Albert is but I'm sure somebody has one.

Middlesbrough was chosen because of the Brazilian connection with Teeside. As far as I'm aware the Brazilian connection with Teeside is Juninho so let's hope he turns up to watch or else we will all look really fucking silly. My prediction: Lots of horns and step-overs but absolutely nothing gained for either side-  apart from seeing what England would look like with a decent left-winger.

Pep Guardiola is a bad loser

Pep Guardiola and Barcelona win everything all the time and because of this we have never really known how Pep would react if things went wrong. It turns out he reacts like an Italian and is going to run away at the first sign of trouble.

Guaridiola's contract is on a yearly basis. At the end of each season, he assesses things and goes "won the league, won the european cup, scored 1,000 goals - yup might as well stay". However this season, things haven't gone to plan. Almost certainly losing the league to Real Madrid and knocked out of the Champions League by a Chelsea team who clearly have dealings with the devil, he is pondering not signing a new deal.

A meeting took place between Barca's president and Pep, it's believed that his future was discussed at length and an official press statement is expected tomorrow. I can almost guarantee that the statement will not be that he is leaving. Although they have fuck all to play for now so it wouldn't make a difference if he said he's leaving now or a bit later. Chin up Pep, you won 14 trophies in four years and had the easiest job in the world. Now things are starting to go a bit wrong, you are leaving - I think that's a smart thing to do. What's the point in doing a job that's hard when you can quit? Leave now and save what is left of your hair.

Rangers fans are really nice

If there's one thing we know about Rangers its that their fans are really great guys. "How great" I hear you ask, and well you might for now they've started threatening members of the SFA who sanctioned punishments. Hooray!


Ally McCoist says he is disgusted by the behaviour of one group of Rangers fans who still don't seem to understand what's going on. Its almost as if their brains can't quite grasp the 'if you don't pay tax that is bad' rule we've pretty much had forever in the UK, and so the ones that have evolved enough to read and write have taken to leaving threatening and abusive messages for those members of the SFA that fined the club and enforced a transfer embargo for the next 12 months.

Just in case that didn't get their well thought out opinions heard, even more highly evolved Rangers fans that know what an Internet is are trying to organise a march on the Scottish Cup Final. Here are some of my favourite quotes from their forum:

I'm up for going to war right now! Cannot express in words how angry I feel! No fucking surrender! With a rifle or a pistol in my hand!
If 50 of us could get tickets for the game , at diffrent entrances , we could handcuff ourselves to the turnstiles in a silent protest.Like the suffragettes did trying to get votes for women
The only real solution I have for people like this is to have them put down, but apparently that level of social cleansing is frowned upon these days. There are of course some nice Rangers fans who don't wave Union Jack flags about and don't actively anticipate the day they get to stab someone, but it really is a small minority. Even the clever people I know who support them come out with some disgusting stuff whenever game time comes around. They say things like "boo to you, sir. That was jolly unfair" and then they high five an owl, who delivers crumpets to all the many slaves of Egypt in years gone by. The pyramids are quite nice aren't they? I went to sea world yesterday. Here is a picture of a fish


Dirk Kuyt wants to go home

Liverpool striker/midfielder/creature Dirk Kuyt is set to leave Liverpool and move back to his native Holland, according to newspapers, with a release clause allowing a bid of £1million to be enough to secure a transfer.


Salomon Kalou played with Kuyt at Feyenoord and has been quoted as saying that the Dutch international is bored of being left out of a team that Charlie Adam starts in and Andy Carroll has something to do with, and so the land of tulips and drugs would make him a happier chap. He told someone:

Dirk told me he wants to return now. [he] said to me that I also must come, that we both have to return to Feyenoord.

It sounds like a really weird version of Thelma and Louise to me, but as long as they have each other their friendship and homoerotic undertones will overcome any obstacle. Except for the one where they don't get picked for the team. Even driving a car over a cliff won't change some managers' minds, especially if they don't know you've already done it and if it wasn't their car. In all fairness, I can't be expected to remember every license plate to every car that I relocate to the bottom of the ocean. I'm running a business here - not a memory club!

John Terry is not allowed

Chelsea captain John Terry is very pleased to learn that even if Chelsea do beat Bayern Munich on their home ground in the Champions League final, with 0 players, he is banned from lifting the trophy. Did I say pleased? I meant sad potato


Yes, shockingly UEFA takes exception to racists occasionally, even though on this occasion Terry's crime was simply kicking someone up the arse for absolutely no reason. Since UEFA doesn't want banned players from lifting the trophy, Terry will have to just sit and be quiet, unless Chelsea rebel against the system and hand it over to him anyway. This would just be "frowned upon" as opposed to 'not allowed at all' but I think you'd be hard pushed to find someone in that Chelsea team who takes rules into their own hands. Maybe Ashley Cole can take his gun and accidentally shoot some medical students while they're up there. What a lovely bunch of lads!

Meanwhile, Andre Villas-Boas draws pictures of his own face in a lonely basement, drinking gin straight from the bottle and using $100 bills to mop away his tears, like a serial killer on x-files but more handsome.


Steven Pienaar is bailed

Everton player Steven Pienaar has been bailed after failing to turn up to his date in court. It wasn't a date like a sexy date, unless speeding charges make you horny, because that's what it was for.


The South Afican was caught speeding twice 11 days apart and will now be sentenced next month for his crimes. I'm sure the courts will really teach him a lesson by giving him points on his license and fining him something huge like £1000 and so I've set up a support group to help deal with his rehabilitation. I might not have a lot of money, but forgetful Steve will need my help and as a poor footballer, might be crippled by the fine the British justice system awards. Also I intend to cook him. HE WILL MAKE A NICE SOUP


Wednesday, 25 April 2012

Manchester United fans rejoice! Owen is back

Manchester United fans are probably a bit nervous ahead of their match with Manchester City, after conceding a 4-2 lead to Everton.  The good news for them is Michael Owen is back and he is ready to save the day.

Michael Owen is probably the most boring man in football, I can remember him saying in an interview that he would like to be a pundit. I think I would rather have a St.Bernard sitting on the sofa, in a suit and drooling everywhere, than listen to Michael Owen droning on about that time he scored a goal against that team. In fact I definitely would, imagine a giant St.Bernard wearing a tie? Get ITV on the phone.

Mental preparation for Michael is the key. If he can get into that famous Mikey Owen goal-scoring zone, then there really is no stopping him. It could be against Man City, it could be against Sunderland, it could be against a 15 year old , nobody knows, not even him. For one so arrogant, even Owen has agreed that the chances of him getting into the starting XI are...well there are no chances of him getting into the starting XI.

With Rooney suspended for the start of the Euros, I think we should campaign to get Heskey and Owen back in the England squad. Perhaps we can get Darius Vassell in as well if he's alive. I imagine he sells used cars or goes round pubs selling stolen supermarket meat these days. Google tells me that he currently plays for Leicester City but that's really boring so I'll pretend he manages an ice rink instead.

10,000 Chelsea players suspended for the final

It's the morning after the night before and Chelsea really are in the final of the Champions League. I know this because every single person I've seen today asked me if I watched the game, then proceeded to tell me all about it despite the fact I told them I had. Now Gary Neville's orgasm has subsided and Geoff Shreeves has returned to his cave after ruining Ivanovic's life, we can now focus on Chelsea's suspensions and get our excuses in early for them losing the final.

Four Chelsea players will miss the final through suspension. Let's start with Captain Lionheart, John Terry. Terry solidified himself as a true Chelsea legend, bravely kneeing Alexis Sanchez in the back and taking a red card for the team. If he hadn't done this, Sanchez would have almost certainly scored an overhead kick and then taken out a gun and shot all the Chelsea fans in celebration. Only on reflection can his heroics be truly appreciated and one can only hope that someone else can step into the captain's arm-band and miss a penalty in sudden-death.

Ramires, Meireles and Ivanovic are the other players who will miss the final. Both Ivanovic and Ramires were booked for dissent, John Obiki Mikel believes that UEFA should over-turn the bans, because he also plays for Chelsea and he doesn't want them to lose the final. After the game Geoff Shreeves continued to show why he is the biggest cock in football and took great pleasure in telling Ivanovic that he won't be playing in the final. Yes Ivanovic, you definitely won't be playing in the final. Are you going to cry? I hope you do. What a dick.

Chelsea will play either Real Madrid or Bayern Munich. Ronaldo said "this is Real Madrid's moment", which means they are definitely going to be knocked out by Bayern Munich. England Vs Germany in Germany, what could possibly go wrong?

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Barcelona are shite

Over-rated Spanish failures Barcelona let a ten man Chelsea team draw 2-2 and book their places in the Champions Leauge final. To make things even worse, Fernando Torres scored. Guardiola out!

The game was one of the more exciting in recent history and Chelsea put ten men behind the ball, with Didier Drogba chasing other players around like a horny dog until mid way through the first half when John Terry very sensibly kicked Alexis Sanchez up the arse. It might have been because he is an idiot, or because he hates Mexicans that much - either way most of us were pleased to see his stupid face leave the field. Later he claimed that he didn't do anything and we shouldn't trust the tv because it is full of lies. Curse you cameras!

Sergio Busquets scored, Iniesta got a second, Terry was sent off and Ramires chipped Valdez from 20 yards. That was it. Then Lionel Messi missed a penalty because he's shit and then Chelsea just tried not to concede for 45 minutes. It was a bit like the scene at the start of Saving Private Ryan except less people died and also it was on a football pitch and not in a war. You idiot.

With Gary Cahill injured and Terry crying, Chelsea paired Jose Bosingwa with Ivanovic at the back and gradually most of their team earned bookings to make sure they'd miss the final. Blah blah blah some stuff happened and then finally someone punted a ball upfield and Barcelona either forgot to mark newly substituted Fernando Torres or just didn't think it was worth doing, and he ran the length of Barcelona's half, rounding the keeper and making Gary Neville jizz everywhere. If you weren't watching he basically came in the commentary box when Torres scored. "URGHGHGHHGGH OOOHOHHHHHHHHHHH"

After the game Geoff Shreeves sandbagged Branislav Ivanovic by telling him he was now banned from the final and everyone that works for Sky tried to tell us that it was the greatest game of all time. No-one makes Ivanovic cry so he ate Geoff Shreeves, live on camera. What? You don't believe me? Yeh you should probably read the BBC for your match report. And now I can tell you all about my exciting train journey. It all began long ago....


Kyle Lafferty is suspended

Cheating mink Kyle Lafferty might look like he was conceived in the worst nightclub of all time, but he's also been suspended by Rangers for not turning up to training.  Delicious!

24 year old Lafferty failed to report for work over the weekend and has since been suspended for two weeks by Ally McCoist.  It's quite likely he's slightly annoyed about having to take a 75% pay cut as part of Rangers' administration efforts but that's no excuse to not turn up for work.  A much better excuse is 'I have a strange rash on my penis' because they let you do whatever you want with that one.  I should remember that next time I want to skive.

Borussia Dortmund win the Bundesliga

Over in Germany things have gone from great to really great for Borussia Dortmund, who have just won the Bundesliga for the second year in a row.

Their team mascot 'Emma the weird looking bee thing' celebrated prematurely only a few weeks ago by urinating all over the Bayern Munich bus when the title rivals met.  Dortmund were victorious on that occasion and then beat Monchengladbach 2-0 on Saturday to confirm their place as champions, further highlighting their dominance in the German league.  To be honest, I have no idea if Dortmund really were good this year and I'm not even sure monchengladbach is a real place.  It could very easily have been the result of a reporter having a heart attack and landing on their keyboard, their last hand action being to accidentally hit 'publish' before having a chance to finish spell-checking.

In other news, we should all learn to fight giant gender confused bees incase that ever becomes a thing.  You can't be too prepared.

Rangers are banned from signing players

We haven't been back to castle greyskull any time recently to see what's going on in Rangers land, but it turns out things were pretty much as we left them.  Except now they aren't allowed to sign anyone and Craig Whyte is banned from Europe, or going to football games or something.

Good old Rangers have been banned from signing any players over the age of 18 for 12 months  as a direct punishment for going into administration and bringing the game into disrepute, while Craig Whyte has been banned for life from any involvement in Scottish football.  That's actually probably quite convenient for him because Scottish football sucks, as well you may know.  Sure, it might be important when Aberdeen play in a semi-final against Hibs, but once that game is over it just isn't worth watching anymore and the fact this is now a one team league makes it even worse.  The only thing that could stop Celtic winning absolutely every trophy next year is if Neil Lennon is still in charge.  OH NO HE DIDN'T!

Oh yes I did.

David Luiz has a nice cake

Chelsea defender David Luiz received the greatest birthday cake of all time from his chum, Juan Mata.  I like it most because it has someone from The Simpsons on it.

The afro haired Brazilian has been an integral part of Chelsea's campaign this year and will surely be hoping that Barcelona decide not to turn up tonight in order that he can grace this year's final with his presence.  This might be because presence sounds a lot like presents, and everyone likes presents.  This subtle word difference is just one of the many reasons that I don't like it when priests perform exorcisms on my house.  If I was invited round to your house, felt 'your presents' and then started throwing water all over the house you'd be annoyed, and if you replaced the word 'water' with 'irn bru', the word 'presents' with 'wife's tits' and 'invited' with 'broke in' you'd probably understand why I wasn't a very good priest.

Monday, 23 April 2012

Muamba might play again

Fabrice Muamba isn't satisfied with only nearly dying once so has decided to maybe try and play professional football again.  Oh and also he's really pleased that god saved his life.  Those doctors probably did something too but yeh, thanks for that floating man!

Bolton boss Owen Coyle has revealed that he would not be surprised if the 24 year old midfielder did eventually play again in the top flight but stressed that everyone should remember that he almost died.  He's not exactly break dancing at the moment.  Coyle said:
"I understand, because of the interest, that everybody thinks he's released from hospital so that's it, he's singing and dancing down the street. But people have got to understand there's room for continued improvement.
"His little lad hadn't been able to see him for a period so it's important we give them that time to be together."
As absurd as it sounds putting someone who almost died of a heart attack on a football pitch back on a football pitch, Muamba clearly loves the sport and Coyle also pointed out that he wouldn't be pushed into action if he didn't want to play.  Thankfully for him, he has the vengeful christian God on his side so can pretty much do anything he wants.  That guy sure sounds great.

The only problem is that after this incident, Muamba only has one wish left and that is of course reserved to set God free.  Will he keep his promise?  Only time will tell.  It's either that or new shoes.

Real Madrid win the league.....almost

This is how far behind we've been.  Real Madrid beat Barcelona 2-1 about 2 or 3 days ago and then Pep Guardiola got down on one knee and handed the kingdom of La Liga to his opponent.

Because it's 30 years since the Spectrum came out I drew this picture about 3 weeks ago and how appropriate it is, for our hero, Cristiano Ronaldo who scored and inspired the boys from the Bernabeu to victory over their arch rivals.  Khedira scored first, Alexis Sanchez equalised, and then Ronny got the winner, finally proving all his 'can't do it in a big game' doubters wrong.

Guardiola might just be playing mind games with Mourinho, but the 7 point gap almost certainly means that Real will take the trophy home.  Unless Pep can force the Madrid team bus off the road with his telekinetic powers there's no way they're dropping that many points in 4 games but then again, stranger things have happened.  Like when David May won a Champions League winners medal.  Terrifying.

Ian Holloway hates divers

There's been this whole big thing recently where Ashley Young keeps diving and winning penalties and absolutely no-one likes it.  GNev explained the rules about it, but now Ian Holloway has ventured into the controversial world of 'simulation'.

The 'wacky' manager has some sort of column in the Independent apparently and used this week's section to tell everyone how much he wants to tea-bag Ashley Young, and how once he dragged a player into his office and told him if he dived again he would be sold.  And then he fingered him
I feel the same way about Ashley Young, Didier Drogba and anyone else who likes to collapse to the ground like a scene from Platoon as I do about Dwayne Chambers. He shouldn't compete at the Olympics because to be an Olympian you should be as quick and as good as you can without additional help. It is the same in football. You shouldn't have to cheat to get an advantage.
Damn straight homie.  You ain't be fooling no gangsta with that fly-ass fallin down sheeit, no woh am sayin?  Maaaaan, you trippin' if you think we be all 'woh... penalty' and be all like up in they faces.  My auto-correct went fucking mental with those two sentences.  Either it's really racist or people don't really talk like that, or they do talk like that and just use proper grammar and language on computers.  Do gangsters use computers?  You never see them on computers in movies.  Like in The Wire, those guys are always just hanging out with friends and shady ladies.  And that's supposed to believable?  I live in the real world, pal.  No-one normal goes through an evening without hitting refresh on their Facebook at least four times.  I'M SO LONELY 

Chelsea are adventurous

Roberto Di Matteo has pledged to adventure and attack Barcelona in the two clubs' Champions League semi-final on Tuesday night.  Which is tomorrow.  This is a great idea and has encouraged me to put my life savings on Chelsea to win, because Champions League betting is actually pretty easy and Barcelona are rubbish now.

Di Matteo has warned everyone that Chelsea won't just sit back and let Barcelona finger them, because that's what sluts do, and they aren't sluts.  Wait I mean, that they won't just try and stop them from scoring, they'll actually try and do that as well.  Then it's slut time.  The Asian Pingu told BBC Sport:
"The tie is half-time, it's 50-50 - both teams still have the same chance to go through.
"I do think we will have to try to score. It will be difficult to just play for a goalless draw."
These are the words of a true master.  By simply outscoring Barcelona, Chelsea have a chance of progressing to the Champions League final where they can then finally lose.  It's as easy as that.  It's like if you wanted fajitas for dinner and all you had to do was go to the shops and buy tortillas, chicken, the old el paso spice mix and some onions and whatever, and then after that you have to put it in a pan and pray to the gods of electricity to make the cooker work and then hey presto, 10 minutes later you have fajitas.  The bit in the middle requires a woman because no matter how hard I pray to those gods, that hob thing just never seems to work.  I guess girls are just born with that gene, which is good because it makes up for the rest of their inferior brains.

In this example, Chelsea are trying to cook fajitas but instead of Asda they have to fly to Mexico, avoid being stabbed by natives, try and work out what spices in the ground you need for your dish and which ones will make you terminally ill and finally, do something that will stop Lionel Messi from scoring.  My suggestion would be cannon fire across the seven seas because I don't think we have enough battles with cannons anymore and also I like pirates.  Also I don't think Lionel Messi would make a very good pirate.

I think we can all agree now that this short break from writing all the time has really improved my skills.  Yes.  In fact, I think I will print this one out and frame it.

The PFA supports oil seed rape

Football is ran by absolute idiots. Either that or they sit around a table and intentionally think about what is the worst possible decision they could make on a daily basis. That is why I wasn't surprised to see that convicted rapist Ched Evans was in the PFA's League 1 team of the year.

Evans has 35 goals in 42 games for Sheffield United and clearly should be in the League 1 team of the year based on his footballing performances. However, maybe I'm old-fashioned but I don't think that anyone who has been sentenced to five years in prison for rape should receive an award.

Chief executive Gordon Taylor said that if the PFA had decided to withdraw Evans from the team, it would have caused a storm as it was fellow professionals who voted and it would be manipulating the vote. Footballers are not the brightest but they still understand that rape is bad. Well I think they do, I could list the 100s of footballers who have been accused but I would get in trouble. Alternatively you could join in on our facebook page and make your "accused XI".

Anyway, there is absolutely no way this would have caused the "storm" he was predicting. Like anyone really gives a shit about the League 1 team of the year. If it wasn't for this story I wouldn't have even known there was one. Someone called Rhoys Wiggins is in the team, is Rhoys really a name? He sounds like a mix between a gangster rapper and Mr Bean.

The PFA are happy to keep Evans in the team because it was a professional decision and not a moral one, showing they have the morals of a Nazi general. Evans is going to appeal his sentence and this is something they are also mindful of, as am I. If he appeals successfully, I will have to go and delete every comment where I have called him a rapist and I'm just too lazy to do that.

Return of the Richard Dunne

I come to you with electrifying news.... RICHARD DUNNE IS BACK IN TRAINING.  *rock guitar* *wailing solo* *light show*

Dunne looks like a miniature giant, and what I mean by that is that he looks like he grew up thinking he was a giant whilst living amongst a village of tiny people.  He always knew he was different but could never work out why, until one day he found out that his real Dad was an actual human and he'd been adopted.  Excited and devastated at the same time, he snuck out of the house to find him.

Overcoming adversity and befriending several hilarious creatures along the way, Dunne tracked his biological father back to his apartment in New York City where he set about trying to make a new life for himself.  Dunne Sr didn't pay an awful lot of attention to his son because he was a high flying lawyer and the big case was coming up and when he didn't even manage to turn up to Richard's birthday party, everyone knew this wasn't the life he craved.

Sailing to Aston Villa on a boat made out of lucozade bottles for extra energy and love, Dunne found out that sometimes your real family was around you all along.  And then Aston Villa finished 15th.  ACTION EXCITEMENT BUY SOME POPCORN BEFORE IT ALL RUNS OUT WWAAAAAAHHHHHH

They take football seriously in Genoa

Playing football in Italy must be quite hard. In Britain, if you lose you might be shouted at by some fat guy wearing a tattoo. In Italy, if you lose you might have a large amount of fireworks thrown at you.

Genoa were 4-0 down to Siena in Serie A, their fans weren't pleased and the ultras demonstrated their anger by launching fireworks and flares onto the pitch. Not content that this hadn't made their feelings clear enough, they attempted to get onto the pitch and demanded the players remove their shirts. You may think that the Genoa ultras are a notorious randy mob with a sexual attraction to athletic young men. You could be right, but their reasoning was that the Genoa players don't deserve to wear the shirt because they are a bit rubbish.

Play was help up for 45 minutes and eventually the players gave in and gave up their shirts. One player managed to keep his pride and testicles, he goes by the name of Giuseppe Sculli. Other players were reduced to tears as they were bullied by the big scary boys with fireworks but not Sculli. He even squared up to one of the thugs, this is a man who's grandfather is a mobster so I don't think a couple of sparklers would scare him.

To his relief, Genoa manager Alberto Malesani was sacked after the game. He is supposed to be recovering back in his family home after the traumatic incident at the weekend. It took doctors six hours to remove a roman candle from his rectum and you don't even want to know where the ball rocket went. The clue is in the name.

Disclaimer - he didn't really get a roman candle lodged in his anal passage or receive a ball rocket down his urethra but he definitely did get sacked.

Terry Connor is a sad potato

WOLVES ARE RELEGATED!  YAAAAAY!  Terry Connor is one of the most unfortunate men in football because he was essentially handed the wheel to a sinking ship, and had absolutely no chance whatsoever of looking even slightly good at any point of his time in charge.  He might not keep his job now!  sad potato

Terry Connor
a sad potato
Wolves had more chance of...... I dunno...... inventing another frisbee, but with wheels, that was super popular and everyone bought it and this one product brought about such financial changes in the club that they bought Latvia and just used it to like hang out and stuff, than they did of not being relegated.  I can't help but feel Mick McCarthy really dodged a bullet by being thrown off the side of the boat while it began to sink because he's been sitting on the shore drinking mojitos for the past 3 months while Connor had to help everyone throw coal into the engine furnace.  That's a thing, right?  An engine furnace?

Connor now has to be evaluated at the end of the season along with the playing squad to see who keeps their jobs, and that meeting will definitely go well.  As long as you don't hear any gun shots they might still be playing next year but poor Terry Connor's reputation disappeared the minute Wolves upper management realised that they didn't have anyone else's phone number except Mick McCarthy.

Brannigan: "Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. Nothing remains now but for the captain to go down with his ship."
Kif: "Why that's surprisingly noble of you, sir."
Brannigan: "No. It's noble of you, Kif! As of now, you're in command."
Kif: *sigh*
Brannigan: "Congratulations, captain!"

Roman Abramovich wants to buy Jose Mourinho

Roman Abramovich made a small error of judgement last summer when he decided to hire someone to do a job that they then set about doing rather poorly and then there was an EXPLOSION?!!  An explosion, at this time of year, located entirely within this kitchen?

Robert Di Matteo has taken Chelsea to a safe place since he became the manager by default but even his moderately successful tenure isn't enough for the blood thirsty Russian tycoon, which is the least successful of the 'Tycoon' series after 'Transport' and 'Rollercoaster'.  Rather than build a rollercoaster in Stamford Bridge, Abramovich has decided to spend all of his pocket money on buying out Jose Mourinho's contract at Real Madrid and paying him a lot of cash to restore his team to their former glory.  The fee of £25million has been touted for buying Mourinho and then a further £9million a year for his services, which for the amount of £££££££ I see means that legally Chelsea will own his soul.  As we all know, souls are completely made up which is why I sold mine a long time ago to pay for rent or something and therefore why Jose should just go ahead with that one.  In other news, I think my mirror is broken because I can't see myself in it.  How do you reset a mirror?  There's no home button on it.  Damn you Steve Jobs!

Robin van Persie wins a prize

Loveable scamp Robin van Persie is super popular and now has a trophy to prove it!  It is called the 'PFA Player of the Year award.

The Arsenal striker has scored 200 goals this year, most with only the power of his chiselled good looks and some with his footballing skills.  Some say he prowls through people's gardens at night under the disguise of a woodland creature, scavenging through bins and stealing milk bottles to gain sustenance and grow ever stronger but those people are wrong because that is actually badgers, foxes and hedgehogs and the other part is students running away from whatever wacky japes they got up to.  Those crazy students!  When will they learn?  IN CLASS

p.s sorry for the lack of updates this month dear friends, I've been moving out of my house blah blah blah and Jack has been doing whatever he's been doing.  We're back on it now.  Promise

Saturday, 21 April 2012

Anton Ferdinand is Shocked

Remember when John Terry called Anton Ferdinand a black c**t? Terry will be in court in July after England disappoint all their fans in June. Ferdinand has talked to somebody about his shock at the way some fans have reacted to the racist abuse he received.

You would hope that in the real world that if you were racially abused, you would be considered the victim but this is football land not the real world. Anton Ferdinand has said the abuse he has received in the last six months has been extreme and has even received death threats because he had the audacity to be racially abused and complain about it.  In his words - 
“How can they even be giving me any stick?”
I would have to agree with him. In the interview he also said lots of boring things about getting injured, playing for England and his brother being his rock. One thing he did say was that the chants and stick from some fans has not affected the way he has played and in fact he has had his best season ever. QPR are 17th so I think that means that Anton Ferdinand is not very good or maybe he is really good and all the other players are terrible? Basically Anton Ferdinand is saying the rest of the defence is shit. That's pretty harsh Anton, what happened to team spirit? If Joey Barton asks if you want to go to McDonald's tonight, don't go - he's probably read this and wants to stab you in the eye.