Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Squatters move into Joey Barton's new house

What a sensational headline that is. Footballer, part-time criminal and Twitter addict Joey Barton wasn't very happy when he found out squatters had moved into his house. The thought of how angry this would make Joey Barton fills me with happiness.

Technically his new house is still a building site but that didn't stop manky squatters moving into his house and changing the locks. Barton was away with his wife beating up teenagers outside McDonald's when he found out and he was not happy.
'Didn't think squatters could break in? Anyone know the law regarding these creatures? Who ever they are, I hope their f****** fast runners."
I'm assuming that was his grammatical error so we will leave it in. I can't say too much about grammar, thank god for my sexy ghost editors. Barton has given up violence so rather than threaten to beat them up, he said it would kill them using a variety of dangerous animals such as snakes and spiders. If you are going to fantasise about using an animal to kill someone, then at least make it interesting. Perhaps a silverback gorilla wearing a bowler hat? 

According to Joey, they were all heroin addicts so they wouldn't have lasted very long anyway. Before Joey could get his hands on the them, they had already scarpered. They were probably logged into Twitter on Joey's I-pad when they saw the death-threats coming in thick and fast. Threats from most people online don't really carry much weight but I can understand them getting the fuck out immediately when they heard Joey was after them. He burns out cigarettes on eyeballs, the man's more like a gangster. 

This squatting thing confuses me. I am poor and certainly cannot afford a house. If I just take my laptop and go and sit in the next door neighbour's living room, how long does it take before that house becomes mine? I'll go and check...........

Well I still don't have a house. It seemed to go well until their kids started screaming.