Friday, 2 March 2012

David de Gea needs to cultivate mass

I can remember writing a very similar article when David De Gea first signed for Manchester United. It turns out he still hasn't gained enough weight so Fergie is now forcing deep fried pizza down his throat.

De Gea has been at Manchester United for a while now and it's time he sorted himself out. He has terrible facial hair and still looks malnourished. Time to hit the gym maggot. De Gea's 12 year-old girl's physique has led to many teams taking the "physical" route to goal. This means pumping long balls up in the air and getting their biggest player to jump into de Gea. Unfortunately he cannot deal with corners, crosses or long throws or shots straight at him. Hammer it at the stop corner at 100mph and he will save it no worries.

Because of this United's staff want de Gea to gain at least a stone in weight. What a hardship, getting paid to eat doritos and pies. The problem is they need him to bulk up but not lose his agility and reflexes. I can't stop thinking of Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. He's not fat, he's just cultivating mass.

I have a pet hate of thin footballers like Peter Crouch. You get paid thousands, millions even to play football., you train for about four hours a day so the least you can do is go to the gym and work on your physique to make yourself a better player you lazy twat. Of course I am allowed to say this because I am actually Ryan Gosling's body double. Or is that Ryan Reynold's? It's fine I can do both.