Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Unfunny bellend pretends to be Anfield cat on Twitter

I take it we've all seen that cat that was on the pitch during the Liverpool vs Tottenham match the other day, right?  It was literally the most interesting thing about that game.

Some jerk started an @AnfieldCat Twitter account seconds after this guy started wandering about the pitch and he already has 24,000 followers.  You absolute cunts.  Let me regale you with some of his 'funnies' so far:
Just had Villas Boas on the phone asking me to teach Fernando Torres how to get in the box
HAHAHA HA HAH AH O MY GOD THAT'S SO FUNNY because he's a cat and he shouldn't have a phone! Fernando Torres knows where the fucking box is as well, he's just terrible at football now.  Also, I've never seen a cat speak Portuguese so obviously he's actually lying about that.  Cats only speak English, or English in a slightly spanish accent like in Shrek.
A lot of people asking about the claws in my contract, reveal all tomorrow, don’t want to let the cat out of the bag too early
I'm actually going to murder someone if he uses anymore puns.  Also, he has an even worse grasp of the English written sentence than we do, which is astonishing.  In this one article alone there are enough mistakes to make my University lecturers punch themselves in the face.   Arguably there is a hint of jealousy too.  Follow us on Twitter if you like.  Tell your friends, whatever.

The real life Anfield cat is actually a stray and his name is Kenny.  I have no idea how newspapers figured this out because actually cats can't communicate with humans using language - I was joking above.  Presumably they used mind techniques to prise the information out of the cat, or perhaps they used a series of scientific brain probes and electron things.  Can you tell that I don't know stuff?