Because Carlton Cole is black we obviously can't say anything bad about him because saying anything bad about anyone who isn't white is racist. As a white middle class male, even trying to describe a non-white person to someone you don't really know that well can become the most awkward of situations. "It's the uhhh guy with the blue hat. Yeh. No, the other guy with the blue hat. Next to the guy with the green hoody. No, no, the other guy on the far side of the room. The black guy" and then everyone goes 'Ooooooooh! You can't say that.'
What I will say is that although all the papers seem to think he's playing a hilarious prank, maybe actually he's just really, really sexist. If that bitch doesn't clean the goddamn kitchen by the time he gets back, so help me, he'll be all up in her face! Cole tweeted:
Here I Got Your Present "Happy Valentines Babes" I Love You ahahahahahahahahahhahahah ahah ahahahaha oh my god, good one Carlton. That's just brilliant. It's almost as funny as that time I took out my balls, put them on the self scan and it went "UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA" and I then went "THAT'S NOT WHAT YO MOMMA SAID" and then I got thrown out.